Best wife ever, and I am ruining it.

Postby robkat » Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:00 pm

First post here.
So, I was raised by a single mom who is horrible at relationships. She is a yeller, swears, argues about everything, overly negative person, and is a bit much to handle (married and divorced 3 times). With that said, I ended up in a marriage that was similar in my 20's. Mostly passionate but explosive, dramatic and negative. After 10 years I called it quits without any ill feelings nor regrets.

I met my current wife 3 1/2 years ago, and she is radiant sunshine. Positive, loving, caring and a perfect 10 with beauty. She loves me and my son explicitly and is a hidden gem. She also had a bad 10 year marriage to a guy who cheated, put her down, and treated her very badly. She vowed never to be in a relationship like that again...

When we met, I was on such a high, feeding off her personality and radiance, that perhaps it brought out the best in me. But now, 3 1/2 years later, I am seeing myself slipping. Not with her, or the feelings I have for her, but I am being negative and nasty at times. She clearly doesnt deserve it.

I can tell you (in a nutshell) we have had stresses from both our jobs lately, and her mom is an alcoholic who recently moved close by (so we deal with that) and I think those stresses are piling up and I am becoming like my mother. THAT is not what I want. How do I break this cycle and turn this around? I started a "grateful journal" to write daily exercises about how grateful I am for our life and for her, and genuinely I could not be happier with anyone else. I am messing it up, and when we argue I put her down and I see a darkness that comes out and I hate it. I guess I may not be looking for advice, so much as anyone who can relate and experiences they can share to talk/chat through them. I feel like I'm screaming "I can't change my spots" but I know I must to keep this marriage and I will at any cost.
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:32 pm

The situation is a huge factor on how we behave. A simple example is the Stanford Prison Experiment, but the implications of that experiment are profound. People are heavily influenced by their environment.

Most people don't realize how strong situational influencers can be and instead look to solve the problem by searching for a cause from their past, e.g. my dad was an alcoholic so I'm an alcoholic. No, you're an alcoholic because you work in a bar.

Point being, you mentioned some stressors such as her mom moving closer. What I would do is start analyzing where the stressors are coming from, your job, her job, mother, etc. and try to modify those aspects of the situation. Stop focusing on your spots so much and instead focus in the situation.
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Postby robkat » Mon Apr 24, 2017 2:49 pm

Thats good advice. I agree, I am trying to not use the excuse of "I'm being like my mother" or "This is how I was raised, how can you blame me" because at the end of the day, my actions are wrong and I am not being very kind. I am trying to talk through and make her understand what is triggering my issues / bad behavior. Stress is #1 on the list, and although it is not caused by her directly, it affects us, so therefor it is brought into it.

I seem to be irritated by things beyond my control. If the kids do something stupid and it irritates me, I get in a "mood."

If work stresses me out and it's pretty bad, but again, nothing I can do, I get in a "mood."

Little things seem to be dragging me into a funk sometimes, and it is NOT my wife. If her and I were alone on an island, I swear, it would be the best thing, we love each others company. Not lately obviously...
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Postby janine073 » Tue May 16, 2017 12:39 am

You have realised you have an issue, which is the first step! A lot of people struggle to see that there is a problem, and many can't admit that they are part of the problem! So well done for realising that! It's going to be hard to hear it... but sometimes you have to just take a break. It sound like it would be the best thing for you both right now, because ultimately you need to focus on yourselves rather than trying to make each other happy. Once you are happy with yourself you will no longer feel the need to take you're anger out on her, and will be able to be the fantastic husband you are wanting to be! Sit down with you're wife and explain that you need time apart, but it is only temporary so that you can work on yourself and be the man she deserves. She will appreciate you identifying the issue and trying to resolve it! and ultimately you will come out a lot stronger for it !
hope that helps
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