I am jealous, paranoid, anxious.

Postby sierrami » Wed Apr 26, 2017 3:35 pm

Hello everyone,
first of all I want to apologize for my English but it is not my native language, i'll try do to my best to be understood.
I am here to seek help about a problem I am developing (again) with my new girlfriend.

I always been a jealous and a paranoid person, in all my relationships I always feared to be cheated and because of this I end up by beeing a stupid and ruin everything.

Some examples of what usually happen:
not leaving enough space, beeing obsessed about what she's doing online in whatsapp, getting paranoid if she don't write me "i love you" or if she send only one kiss instead of four, thinking all the time that she might meet someone else, that some ex might text she, I get hurt by her past, I close in myself, become rude and idiot.

Obviously this not only leads problems between us but I also suffer, a LOT, I am jealous, obsessed and paranoid.

Now she is also leaving with her friends for four days for a small holiday, i fear to overreact, to send she stupid messages, to get drunk or crap like that.

While I know she have been cheating her ex husband (my best friend) she looks to be in love with me, she text/call me very often, she try to find as much time as possible to stay with me, she send me love songs, she pubblish our pictures on socials, sex is fantastic, kisses are so passionate, she also want a baby from me (and we're trying this), she keep repeating me how I looks good and how much she love with me, sometimes she stay awake hours looking at me and giving me cuddles.
It is hard to explain but I really feel her love.


I must admit that I have not been a good person in the past, I have cheated hundred of times, I have been liar and evil.

I understand to be the problem! in my last relationship that has last only two years I have been a decent person, at least I never cheated on her, I tried to be a better person, but even in this relationship i was too much jealous and i ruined everything.

So my question is, why I am so? where I can find directions to change this? can someone tell me step by step what to do?
I don't want to ruin everything again.

I know i lack of Self-esteem but how I can fix this? my life is horrible like this, please help me.

Thank you.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 26, 2017 4:13 pm

sierrami wrote:I know i lack of Self-esteem but how I can fix this?


By building self-esteem.

I understand you want to be in a relationship, but we are not always ready for what we want. I want to run a marathon, but I'm in no condition currently to run a marathon. How can I fix this? By practicing, by building up my stamina, by running and eventually in time I will be able to run a marathon, but it takes effort and time and enduring some pain.

At this moment, you are best not being in a relationship. You need to focus on you and building self-esteem. This means setting some small goals, building your confidence and self-worth.
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#2

Postby sierrami » Wed Apr 26, 2017 4:31 pm

Hello Richard, thanks for your answer, I do understand what you mean but is hard, leaving my girlfriend because I lack of self-esteem is not going to happen for various reasons.
Can I do something now? can you help me with some hints/books/articles/things to do beside quit the relationship?
you mentioned goals, won't be a good goal of not beeing an a**hole paranoid and idiot? but how?

I mean, I am already subcribed in the marathon, I cannot give up.

Can you confirm that all this is cause by lack of self-esteem or I should dig more deeper?

ty
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 26, 2017 7:41 pm

sierrami wrote:... leaving my girlfriend because I lack of self-esteem is not going to happen for various reasons.


I understand. It is not easy. It is hard for a person that is not in shape for a marathon to accept it and drop out of the race. Some make it a few miles, some half way, and a few even prove to themselves and others they can go the distance. That, of course, is what everyone hopes. And it is not necessarily the wrong path. It can be a great learning experience. Point being, as stated you have already entered the race. I'm not suggesting you quit, rather the marathon will take its natural course and you will learn from it and possibly make it all the way. It will be a learning experience. However, if/when the relationship ends, consider taking some time to better prepare.

Can you confirm that all this is cause by lack of self-esteem or I should dig more deeper?


Trying to find a label to attach to behavior is crap. It doesn't matter what we label it, low self esteem, anxiety, passive aggressive, introvert, PTSD, label, label, label. Then search for a specialist to treat the label, a pill to take, books to read. We focus on causes related to past as if those causes somehow force us to take a particular path moving forward. Right now, choose to go to the store and buy a piece of fruit. Can you choose any piece you like or are you compelled by some mysterious past cause to only buy an apple? Maybe because you were raised a certain way, you don't think you can buy strawberries? Bull crap, you can buy any piece of fruit you damn well please. You can behave however you like moving forward and should focus forward instead of trying to discover a label to apply to yourself.

Can I do something now?... you mentioned goals, won't be a good goal of not beeing an a**hole paranoid and idiot? but how?


No, the goal to not be an a**hole is not a formal, structured goal that will help build confidence. Instead, how about a goal to earn a degree, learn a foreign language, fitness goals, write a book, run an actual marathon, travel the world, save a certain amount of money, etc. etc. etc.? Goals that add to your credentials, that prove to yourself what you can accomplish, these are goals that when accomplished can't be taken away.
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#4

Postby sierrami » Thu Apr 27, 2017 7:34 am

I got much to learn for you and this place.



Thank you very much.
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