Unable to commit to any kind of work

Postby ltkipras » Wed Apr 26, 2017 6:26 pm

Hi I am 19 years old. I have been struggling with mental issues for 3 years now. Starting with depressive episodes lasting up to 3 months, and last year I started taking medication for bipolar, and I've improved substantially. But that is not why I am writing this post.

3 years ago I dropped out from school. Since then I have been spending my time figuring out, what I wanted to do with my
life. I had at least 9 jobs with since then, most didn't last more than a few weeks, some I quit in a matter of days. Then I tried working for myself, reselling stuff on ebay, growing microgreens.

And then I started making youtube videos, been making them for over a year now. But even this has been a very bumpy road for me to be consistent. I've uploaded about 60 video first 6 months, and only 27 videos in the last 8 months.

I started looking for a job again last week, got a couple interviews the next day, and I had to go on a trial shift this Monday, but the days leading up to that, I've been dealing with excessive amounts of anxiety. And decided not to go when I woke up. And then spent all day cycling through manic and depressive moods, almost going into panic at some points. I calmed down only after I told myself "**** it I don't have to do anything. things will sort themselves out somehow". I've spend this week mostly hanging around with friends.

I am able to enjoy the work that I do, no matter what it is, if I start I will dot what has to be done. But a nights rest can result in me fearing to get anywhere near my workplace.

I've tried giving myself a reason, a purpose to do work, which helps, but only to pull through a couple more days, and then I stop caring about that as well and stop.

No matter what work I do, if I work on something daily, I continue to get more and more miserable as the days go by, eventually falling in to depression. I often shift my focus towards something else after that. Making videos has been the only thing that I always come back to whether it be days weeks or months, I will probably get back to making videos for some time.

So yeah, I have been presented with many great opportunities. But at the base of everything there is nothing that can really motivate through them. Not the type of work. not money. not the people.

Last couple of days, I have been living in the moment, not even considering what isn't now.
Which is great, but even that is something I can't commit to, the anxiety is already causing me to ask for help in this forum.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Apr 26, 2017 7:47 pm

Work is about trading your time to help other people. It's that simple. If you don't care about others, then you will never be satisfied, you will never be able to commit.

What are your YouTube videos about, why did you create them? Did you create them to help others?
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#2

Postby ltkipras » Thu Apr 27, 2017 9:36 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Work is about trading your time to help other people. It's that simple. If you don't care about others, then you will never be satisfied, you will never be able to commit.

What are your YouTube videos about, why did you create them? Did you create them to help others?


You have a good point. Last time I was in a job. Thinking about others is what motivated me at first to stick through. And I quit because I was afraid of going back to the people I worked with.

I started making videos to help myself. I made vlogs, as a way to take look back at my life, and try make some sense of what was happening with me. After I started taking meds for bipolar, and adjusted to them, It was like being born again. Life was great so I continued making videos, and sharing my life with everyone.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Apr 27, 2017 3:08 pm

ltkipras wrote:I started making videos to help myself. Life was great so I continued making videos, and sharing my life with everyone.


But like other things, your commitment began to wane because it wasn't about helping others, it was really about you. You didn't or don't care about others and people can pick up on that. Point is, to be able to commit to a kind of work, you need to figure out in what way you are willing to help others.
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#4

Postby ltkipras » Fri Apr 28, 2017 10:36 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:You didn't or don't care about others and people can pick up on that


So what that others pick up on that, caring about what others think of me is just gonna cause more fcking anxiety.

There are people I care about (or at least I think I do), but at the pace that things are going, there is not that much helping that I can do, apart from just being around those people. Because if I simply spend time with people. I end up being helpful in some ways.

But help only goes so far, there is a point where you help by not doing anything at all.

What if I do not start caring enough to help others. Do i just quit life and become hobo.

Seems like an unreliable way to get any kind of work done.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Apr 28, 2017 1:11 pm

ltkipras wrote:So what that others pick up on that, caring about what others think of me is just gonna cause more fcking anxiety.


Maybe start by addressing your anxiety. For what reasons do you have anxiety?

Are you homeless?
Do you not have clothing, food/water, shelter?
What skills do you have, i.e. are you employable?

Caring what others think about you? Why is that a legitimate source of anxiety? Plenty of people do care, it is a common form of anxiety, but why? What is the worst thing that can happen if someone doesn't like you?

It all circles back to you and being focused on yourself and not others. Where or from who did you learn that what others think is so important? Are your parents highly image conscious?
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#6

Postby ltkipras » Fri Apr 28, 2017 5:19 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:...about others and people can pick up on that. Point is, to be able to commit to...


I do not care what others think of me.

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote: Maybe start by addressing your anxiety. For what reasons do you have anxiety?

It all circles back to you and being focused on yourself and not others.


Anxiety is a symptom of bipolar or whatever it is that I have. I've asked psychiatrists and psychologists, and they looked just as clueless as I am on what to do about anxiety.
Best solution I found is to do whatever worries you right away. But it only works short tasks. Anxiety wins every time on anything long term.

If I focus on others for too long, I start noticing, and thinking about all the flaws that people have, how wrong everyone is, become egoistic, obsessive. get angry more easily. I am aware of all of that because I know how it affects people around me. Sometimes I need time away from everyone to get my sh** sorted. Sometimes I completely shut down and disconnect from everyone temporarily, until I feel better.
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#7

Postby ltkipras » Fri Apr 28, 2017 5:40 pm

In short I get depressed. I come back up. I get depressed. and it cycles like that all the time
Even thought I am taking medication, which makes it a lot better, to a point that I can handle my moods on my own, and I can deal with most things like anyone else.
But things like job, school, relationships. where you are expected to give a significant amount of your focus. these things can't deal with me being disappearing for a couple days without an explanation, me acting odd or whatever.
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#8

Postby neutralusername » Fri Apr 28, 2017 7:55 pm

Do they have Uber in your area? Uber and other app-based "gig economy" companies are good jobs to have when you need to be able to take off at random times. Ideally not Uber, since that requires owning a car, which involves some resppnsiblity. I might recommend looking into this area of work, how much people really make, speak to real people. If it interests you. There are services such as Caviar, Postmates, Amazon Flex, and TaskRabbit, depending on your area. From what I understand, you can literally take off whenever you want and don't even need to let anyone know in advance. You will need to be polite to people when you're on duty though. Or they will complain to Uber and you will get deactivated.
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Apr 29, 2017 2:01 am

ltkipras wrote:In short I get depressed. I come back up. I get depressed. and it cycles like that all the time


Why?

To some extent you are going in circles. You can't commit because you are anxious, you are anxious because you are depressed, you are depressed because you can't commit. I'm not saying that is the exact circular argument, but you don't to seem to know where to focus. Should you focus on anxiety, depression, commitment or is there some 4th or 5th issue?
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#10

Postby ltkipras » Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:43 am

neutralusername wrote:Do they have Uber in your area? Uber and other app-based "gig economy" companies are good jobs to have when you need ... From what I understand, you can literally take off whenever you want and don't even need to let anyone know in advance. You will need to be polite to people when you're on duty though.


I've tried some online gigs like user testing. and others. But I don't get much work where I live. There is uber here, there are some similar taxi apps here as well, don't have a drivers licence though. gonna look into it a bit more maybe.

when working I don't just randomly snap, these bad traits start to appear after 2 or 3 weeks of continuous work. They creep up slowly. So when I first notice them I take it as a sign to take some time off.
But normally I am very adaptive to any workplace, even when everyone is rushing I am able to stay cool and react calmly and responsibly. It's like I block all my emotions for the time, but at some point they all come back around. That's usually when I pull the plug, pack my sh** and leave, with no intention to come back.
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#11

Postby ltkipras » Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:55 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:Why?

To some extent you are going in circles. You can't commit because you are anxious, you are anxious because you are depressed, you are depressed because you can't commit. I'm not saying that is the exact circular argument, but you don't to seem to know where to focus. Should you focus on anxiety, depression, commitment or is there some 4th or 5th issue?


Anxiety is what stops me from taking action, when I am depressed there is just more of it and it has more of an effect on me.
Depression is something that I know will go away, it always does, so I can deal with that.
But not anxiety.. this explains it well https://youtu.be/-eBUcBfkVCo?t=3m23s
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#12

Postby VeeGlasses » Sat May 06, 2017 4:59 am

19 is extremely awkward for millennials. If this was 60s or 70s (before the second wave immigration in the late 80s) minimum wage would be about $20 per hour and competition for jobs would be significantly less. But constant flow of low-wage workers from places like Mexico and Vietnam, wage stagnation set in in the early 80s and hasn't wavered. Not to mention, manufacturing jobs for less-educated workers went to South America and Asia. Couple that with cost of college tuition (which has quadrupled in the past 40 years) and basically your generation is standing on a foundation built on quicksand. I don't want to weigh you down with negativity but basically your only options for a decent living are:

a). A college degree, if you cant afford one enroll in a good online course. Don't attend a diploma mill.
b). Go into a trade such as welding, auto mechanic, etc.
c). Civil service, although competition for this has gone up significantly as well as many people compete with college degrees.

Unfortunately, these are the only industries left in this country that you can actually earn a decent living from. And once you find the right career, it will take you about five years until you are experienced enough to actually feel secure in your role.
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#13

Postby ltkipras » Sun May 21, 2017 3:34 pm

VeeGlasses wrote:19 is extremely awkward for millennials. If this was 60s or 70s (before the second wave immigration in the late 80s) minimum wage would be about $20 per hour and competition for jobs would be significantly less. But constant flow of low-wage workers from places like Mexico and Vietnam, wage stagnation set in in the early 80s and hasn't wavered. Not to mention, manufacturing jobs for less-educated workers went to South America and Asia. Couple that with cost of college tuition (which has quadrupled in the past 40 years) and basically your generation is standing on a foundation built on quicksand. I don't want to weigh you down with negativity but basically your only options for a decent living are:

a). A college degree, if you cant afford one enroll in a good online course. Don't attend a diploma mill.
b). Go into a trade such as welding, auto mechanic, etc.
c). Civil service, although competition for this has gone up significantly as well as many people compete with college degrees.

Unfortunately, these are the only industries left in this country that you can actually earn a decent living from. And once you find the right career, it will take you about five years until you are experienced enough to actually feel secure in your role.


I am not from America, the jobs currently available for me are anywhere from 380 euros to 800 euros, per month.
Welders, builders and mechanics do make a decent living here.
I would make more working in a kitchen than in civil service.

But that is not the point.
I feel like any job, eats away at my limited willpower, and I start treating it as a threat, avoiding it at all cost.
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#14

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 21, 2017 4:02 pm

ltkipras wrote: But that is not the point.
I feel like any job, eats away at my limited willpower, and I start treating it as a threat, avoiding it at all cost.


Any job?

So if you were born into a hunter/gatherer society you would expect others would do all the work for you so that your limited willpower was not threatened? You would expect others to hunt, provide for your safety, gather wood, provide medicine, and take care of all of your needs and you contribute nothing?
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