Can a book help?

Postby FallenMelek » Sat May 06, 2017 11:31 pm

Ok... It's really difficult to explain my situation in short, but I will give it a try anyway...
When I was born, I would not stop crying for almost even a second, I was sleeping about an hour in 24 hr period and drove my parents crazy. I was extremely advanced child; and always a few years ahead of my peers, but I was very stubborn, needy and caused a lot of headache to my parents, and because of that I used to get beaten regularly. To this day I don't know whether to blame my parents for lack of patience on their part, or not. I hate my childhood, and hated it while I was growing up. As much as my parents didn't know how to handle me, they were very protective, so I was never allowed to do the same kinds of things as my friends. I wasn't kept a prisoner; they were just very strict. Because of that, and the fact that I was a bit chubby as a kid, I got teased a lot, and I got bullied by my "friends" all the time. They used to beat me, too, every occasion they got. Beatings kind of stopped when I started high school, mostly due to the fact that I was able to defend myself. Between ages of 11-14, my country was in war. My family was very hungry, we had no running water, no electricity, nothing. We lived in our basement for the most part, hiding from bombs. I guess that has to be another thing that formed my anger into shape it's in right now.
After my first boyfriend and I broke up (was 18 at that time), I ran into, by accident, to my 5th grade crush, whonever really wanted to have any kind of relationship with me. He just wanted to hook up, and when he realized I wasn't interested, he tried raping me, but somehow I managed to get away ftpm him.
I was single for a while, until my high school friends kind of pushed me into a relationship with what I thought was not a very handsome dude. After 4 months, and wanting to break up 10 thousand times, I gave in and lost my virginity to him. After that he became abusive and started hitting me- first was slap over my face, a month after another one, and then he started using his fists to beat me whenever I'd say no to something... I was tolerating this for over a year, and I don't even know why. Now when i think about it, I believe i felt that I desrved it and that because of all the beatings i got as a kid that this was normal.
After I finally told my Mom about the beatings, she made sure that the guy never crosses my path again (my Mom called his parents and threatened with the court).
After this, things kind of started going down, and I started hooking up with more and more guys, in search of a perfect one that would understand me and saved me from all the bs I'd gone through... I graduated feom university, got a job and tried living a normal life, but wasn't able to find a boyfriend due to the bad reputation. I also ended up not having any true friends, it was really hard for me to form a relationship with anybody who didn't 100% agree with me. As far as I can remember, I had anger issues, periods of depression (Itried commiting suicide in 8th grade by taking a box of my Mom's anxiety pills, but ended up just sleeping for 3 days), outbursts if anger where I'd just flip out, scream at the top of my lungs, break stuff, cut myself. I'd started developing bulimia, and then anorexia, but managed to get my life back on tracks after over a year of purging food. I got married at 28, to a guy that lived in a different country. I thought that he was my saviour and would give me a chance to get away from everything. I am still married to him (6 yrs now), but I am not a happy person, not a happy wife. If things are not the way I want them tobe, I am upset. He doesn't understand me and what I've been through, and as soon as my mood goes a bit down he gets angry with me and we end up having a fight. I am so tired of my anger, unresolved issues, falling into depression, etc. I got so upset with him earlier today, that I threw his PS4 joystick against the wall and broke it, and this happened 4 hrs after the argument when he left the house to go out and play tennis with his friends... I am so mad I wan't to just destroy everything around me and I want to seriously hurt him for not listening to me, not being able to understand me, provoking me, and not caring about me at all. Because that IS what he's showing every sungle day- that he doesn't want to even try to understand/ help with my issues.
I have tried teraphy- did not work, have tried medication, but had to get off because I am trying to get pregnant. Is there a book/ workbook that somebody can recommend for me, something that'll teach me how to cope with whatever diaorder it is that i have...
Please help.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 07, 2017 12:07 am

A person can be focused on the past, the present, or the future. They can also be focused on themselves and what they can control or on others, things they cannot control. Where you choose to focus is causing you anger.

All of your time (at least this thread) is spent focused on the past, thinking about the actions of other people and things you cannot control. You don't spend any or minimal energy reflecting on your skills, your abilities, your strengths and how you can use your abilities to improve your future. You spend no time on what you can control. Why?

A side note, you are not ready to be a parent. You are currently unable to care for yourself, let alone deal with pregnancy and raising an infant.
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#2

Postby Leo Volont » Sun May 07, 2017 5:18 am

Dear Fallen

Welcome to the Forum. Yes, there are Books that can help you. It is good that you have finally arrived at that line of Thinking. You are not as young as you best should have been for Changing Your Life, but you could have put it off much longer. Some people don’t arrive at the decision to Work Seriously on Themselves until well into Middle Age. But in such things it is true that Better Late than Never.

There are many good Anger Management Books on the market. There are also some cheap commercial books written by predatory serial Self-Help authors who write books about whatever they think will sell (there books are usually just outlines of a 3 Day Seminar that they have developed). Anyway, you should look for books by Psychologists or Trained Medical Professionals, and stay away from any author that seems too “New Age” (almost any book with a Picture of the Author).

Nowadays, and for a few decades now the Mode of Therapy that has been found to work the best (for Anger, Depression, Anxiety, etc) is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The Working Premise behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that your Troublesome Thoughts and Behaviors are basically Habitual. You Think the way you do because you have always Thought that way, and you Behave the way you do because that is how you always behaved. Now, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy does not care WHY. It’s a Waste of Time to dig into the Past, trying to Assign Blame. With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you are encouraged to Examine your Thinking to determine whether it is positive, beneficial and productive, and if it ISN’T to Dispute the Thoughts and attempt to determine what you Really Should be Thinking, and then to Start Thinking that way. It is the same for Behavioral Habits. If a Habit gets you repeatedly into Trouble, well, that means it is a Bad Habit, and you should wonder what you ought to do instead, and when you decide on a New Behavior to fill in the Gap, you should practice, practice, practice. I even Practice Anger Management in my Dreams!

I read a book recently, “the Angry Brain” by Ronald Potter-Efron, who has written a number of Anger Management Books – even a few College Textbooks. This guy is the Real Deal in Anger Management. But what impressed me about “The Angry Brain” … well a number of things… but for Here and Now, the important point is that the Brain Can Adapt and Change – We can Become Different and Better Persons, BUT you have to Practice the New Thinking and New Behaviors daily. You got to Replace the Old You with a New You, and you have to do that by Deconstructing the Old You and Building Up the New You. You can’t do it by simply Resolving To. It is not some simple Zen Insight that you get that will Change your Life. It is Work Work Work Work Work. For example. When I was about your age I decided to take up the Violin, and to learn to play it by ear. It took Years of Daily Practice, an hour or more a day, before I started to sound okay and begin to demonstrate some flare for it. My Brain had to Set Aside an Area ( a Complex) and slowly Build Up and Elaborate my Skill. If I was not Musical Before, well, I developed a Musical Brain over Time. This is what it will be like for learning to Think and Behave Like a Civilized Person.

Oh, and about your Marriage and Family. If you decide to Stay with it, you must become Utilitarian and Practical about it. Your Life of Romance, at least in your Marriage, is over. You must realize that this marriage might never make you Viscerally Happy but that if you Behave in a Pleasant and Congenial Manner, then the Relationship might Smooth Out and both of you might become Content with each other. And from what I have heard about and experienced in Marriage, to be Content is probably the Greatest Happiness you can ever hope for.

Anyway, please let me know if any of this helps. I am always here if you wish to talk.
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#3

Postby FallenMelek » Sun May 07, 2017 7:28 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:A person can be focused on the past, the present, or the future. They can also be focused on themselves and what they can control or on others, things they cannot control. Where you choose to focus is causing you anger.

All of your time (at least this thread) is spent focused on the past, thinking about the actions of other people and things you cannot control. You don't spend any or minimal energy reflecting on your skills, your abilities, your strengths and how you can use your abilities to improve your future. You spend no time on what you can control. Why?

A side note, you are not ready to be a parent. You are currently unable to care for yourself, let alone deal with pregnancy and raising an infant.


Well, you didn't tell me anything I don't know already. I am 100% aware of the fact that I am too focused on the past. My past hurts, OK? I was never able to forgive, because I have never found a way to do so.
The comment about me not being ready to be a parent- if I feel that I am ready, nobody else has any rights to tell me the opposite. I am not on any medication; I've visited 2 different psychiatrists and both told me I was a normal person (after extensive testing and conversations). I admit that I have issues with controlling my anger from time to time (once a year or so), and I don't see that as any kind of barrier. I simply asked for advice on a book that would help me to learn how to control myself better, that's all. I didn't ask for your (un)professional opinion/ psychoanalysis.
And how am I unable to care for myself, would you please explain? I work 50 hrs a week, go to school part-time, I do every single thing around my house: cooking, laundry, cleaning, mowing grass, everything you can imagine. I am more than capable if taking care of myself. I am always very well dressed, clean and tidy; my home is sparkling clean, and I cook fresh meals every single day. So please tell me in what way am I uncapable of taking care of myself?
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#4

Postby FallenMelek » Sun May 07, 2017 7:37 pm

Leo Volont wrote:Dear Fallen

Welcome to the Forum. Yes, there are Books that can help you. It is good that you have finally arrived at that line of Thinking. You are not as young as you best should have been for Changing Your Life, but you could have put it off much longer. Some people don’t arrive at the decision to Work Seriously on Themselves until well into Middle Age. But in such things it is true that Better Late than Never.

There are many good Anger Management Books on the market. There are also some cheap commercial books written by predatory serial Self-Help authors who write books about whatever they think will sell (there books are usually just outlines of a 3 Day Seminar that they have developed). Anyway, you should look for books by Psychologists or Trained Medical Professionals, and stay away from any author that seems too “New Age” (almost any book with a Picture of the Author).

Nowadays, and for a few decades now the Mode of Therapy that has been found to work the best (for Anger, Depression, Anxiety, etc) is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The Working Premise behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that your Troublesome Thoughts and Behaviors are basically Habitual. You Think the way you do because you have always Thought that way, and you Behave the way you do because that is how you always behaved. Now, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy does not care WHY. It’s a Waste of Time to dig into the Past, trying to Assign Blame. With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you are encouraged to Examine your Thinking to determine whether it is positive, beneficial and productive, and if it ISN’T to Dispute the Thoughts and attempt to determine what you Really Should be Thinking, and then to Start Thinking that way. It is the same for Behavioral Habits. If a Habit gets you repeatedly into Trouble, well, that means it is a Bad Habit, and you should wonder what you ought to do instead, and when you decide on a New Behavior to fill in the Gap, you should practice, practice, practice. I even Practice Anger Management in my Dreams!

I read a book recently, “the Angry Brain” by Ronald Potter-Efron, who has written a number of Anger Management Books – even a few College Textbooks. This guy is the Real Deal in Anger Management. But what impressed me about “The Angry Brain” … well a number of things… but for Here and Now, the important point is that the Brain Can Adapt and Change – We can Become Different and Better Persons, BUT you have to Practice the New Thinking and New Behaviors daily. You got to Replace the Old You with a New You, and you have to do that by Deconstructing the Old You and Building Up the New You. You can’t do it by simply Resolving To. It is not some simple Zen Insight that you get that will Change your Life. It is Work Work Work Work Work. For example. When I was about your age I decided to take up the Violin, and to learn to play it by ear. It took Years of Daily Practice, an hour or more a day, before I started to sound okay and begin to demonstrate some flare for it. My Brain had to Set Aside an Area ( a Complex) and slowly Build Up and Elaborate my Skill. If I was not Musical Before, well, I developed a Musical Brain over Time. This is what it will be like for learning to Think and Behave Like a Civilized Person.

Oh, and about your Marriage and Family. If you decide to Stay with it, you must become Utilitarian and Practical about it. Your Life of Romance, at least in your Marriage, is over. You must realize that this marriage might never make you Viscerally Happy but that if you Behave in a Pleasant and Congenial Manner, then the Relationship might Smooth Out and both of you might become Content with each other. And from what I have heard about and experienced in Marriage, to be Content is probably the Greatest Happiness you can ever hope for.

Anyway, please let me know if any of this helps. I am always here if you wish to talk.


Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long reply. It is a wonderful feeling knowing that there is somebody out there who understood my post and what I needed out of it. I will buy the recommended book and read it ASAP. I really, honestly want to change, because the way I am right now is eating me up alive. I want to change to make myself happier, not others; maybe that's selfish, but I need to heal from all the hell I've been through and find a way to re-direct my thoughts and change my feelings.

Thank you for your support, I will most certainly hit you up if I need to talk to someone. Again, it's a great feeling knowing that there is somebody out there whose words make me feel understood.
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 07, 2017 8:34 pm

FallenMelek wrote: The comment about me not being ready to be a parent- if I feel that I am ready, nobody else has any rights to tell me the opposite.


Sure they do. It is actually pretty normal. It is called giving advice and it is the right of free speech. When an immature person, such as a young teenager says they are ready for a child, parents, friends, and society tries to explain why it is a bad idea. They explain to the person that they are not ready, that it is a ton of responsibility and that they are not in a place where they should be considering bringing another life into this world.

You lack maturity. You are an immature person as evidenced by your initial thread and subsequent response. I have the right to that opinion and the right to point out that you should not and are not ready to have a child.

You have the right to disagree with my opinion. You have the right to get offended, throw a tantrum, and do whatever you wish as it relates to having a child with a man that you say you want to hurt and doesn't care for you. BRILLIANT idea don't you think? There is a man in your life that you say you want to hurt and doesn't care about you and you think "let's have a child together!" What a fabulous idea.

I wish your child the best of luck.
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#6

Postby FallenMelek » Sun May 07, 2017 9:00 pm

Hey, if you intend to be like that, feel free to delete your post. I am not here to be lectured in any way, I am here to find understanding. I am sick and tired of poeple like you, who think they know everything and totally lack empathy for others.
I asked for advice, and that's not what you gave me. Who are you anyway? One of admins? Who put YOU in charge of giving advice? My God... Ridiculous.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 07, 2017 9:10 pm

FallenMelek wrote: So please tell me in what way am I uncapable of taking care of myself?


You asked.

If you want to take it as a lecture that is up to you. I simply provided my opinion which I believe is accurate. It is your words, not mine that you want to have a child with a husband that you want to hurt and think that he doesn't care for you.

You believe it is a good idea to have a child with someone you want to hurt? You believe it is a good idea to have a child with a person you say doesn't care for you?
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#8

Postby FallenMelek » Sun May 07, 2017 9:28 pm

Told you to go away from my post.
Whether I am having a child with my husband, whom "I want to hurt", or not, is my problem. I don't remember asking any advice about that in my original post... Did you read anywhere: "Could someone olease provide an advice on whether I should or shouldn't have a child with my husband?" Did you read that? NOBODY asked for your opinion about any part of my life. I simply explained my situation, from my birth, until yesterday, in order to give insight into my particular case, and hoping that somebody who is competent and educated in this stuff would be able to tell me whether the book might help me to learn how to control my anger better. In other words I was asking if people here thought my anger was a result of chemical imbalance, in which case I'd have to go back to meds, or if it's a result of habits and past experiences and behaviours. I have never asked questions regarding personal stuff like "Should I stay in this marriage?", or "Should I have a child with this man".
The fact that you don't understand that, and you're doing everything you can to prove a point that I'm not interested in at all, makes you the immature one.
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 07, 2017 10:16 pm

FallenMelek wrote:Told you to go away from my post.


That is not how a public forum works. It is not the way the world works. I am free to post in whatever thread I wish.

It is a common issue with those that suffer from anger, focusing on trying to control others, lashing out and trying to control what they cannot control, instead of reflecting on the underlying issues that they can work on. They waste so much energy trying to control others.

In my very first post, I provide the advice to focus on your strengths, on the things you can control, on the positives. Instead, here you are focusing your energy on an opinion that you don't agree with, trying to influence or exert yourself over another person.

Whether I am having a child with my husband, whom "I want to hurt", or not, is my problem. I don't remember asking any advice about that in my original post... Did you read anywhere: "Could someone olease provide an advice on whether I should or shouldn't have a child with my husband?" Did you read that? NOBODY asked for your opinion about any part of my life.


I am not saying you are immature, I'm saying choosing to have a child with a man you want to hurt and you believe doesn't care about you is an immature act. The fact it is not what you want to focus on at this point in time matters not. Once again, it is a valid question that anyone with a bit of common sense can see is a bad idea. Just because it is what you want, doesn't make it the right path to take. That is my opinion and as already pointed out you are free to disagree with my opinion, regardless of how evident it should be to a person not to have a child with someone they want to hurt.

Anyway, I will let you in on a little secret. You can control in the forum a person being listed as a "friend" or "foe" and I believe if you choose me as a "foe" you will no longer see what I write. I'm not sure as I have never used such an option, as I'm not inclined to want to shut out what others have to say. Still, this will not stop me from responding to the thread, because it is a public forum and the advice posted is for everyone, i.e. for the public, not just for you.

I think besides the fact you want to hurt your husband and think he doesn't care about you, in my opinion you have such anger issues that bringing a child into this world is not a good idea for you at this point in time.
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#10

Postby FallenMelek » Sun May 07, 2017 10:30 pm

Ok sir. I kindly thank you for your opinion. You were so nice to take all this free time of yours and to focus your energy on something so insignificant, on me, who you don't even know yet you're trying to help me in every way you can. I so very much appreciate it. Ok? Are you happy now?
I'm about to become a lesbian any minute now, just because of guys like you.
My God... My husband is golden. This whole time, for 7 whole years, I thought I've never met a person more stubborn and in his ways than my husband. And then you come along... Thank you.
I actually don't want to hurt my husband anymore, so thank you. Well done.
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#11

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun May 07, 2017 10:34 pm

FallenMelek wrote:...yet you're trying to help me in every way you can.


Yes, you...but not just you. There is also your husband, a child you wish to have, society in general and other people that might have similar thoughts as you. It is a public forum, not just a conversation between you and I.
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#12

Postby quietvoice » Mon May 08, 2017 12:12 pm

FallenMelek wrote:I'm about to become a lesbian any minute now, just because of guys like you.

Maturity demands that one doesn't use others as an excuse for one's own actions.

FallenMelek wrote:My past hurts, OK?

Your past is nothing but thoughts in your mind. Your past is not right now, unless you make is right now through your thinking about it. Your past can only hurt you if you let it hurt you through your own thinking about how it's "hurting you."
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#13

Postby Leo Volont » Tue May 09, 2017 11:53 am

Dear Fallen,

Wow! Usually I am the one who baits the New Comers into Fights, just to see if they ARE really Angry. But I don't keep going with it... or maybe I do, but I shouldn't. Anyway, These Are the Types of Quarrels and Interactions that Disturb Our Peace of Mind. I can only imagine how your Head must be Spinning with all the "I should have said This and That's".

One of the Tricks about maintaining your Peace of Mind is to Interact Cautiously with People and say only what is Pleasant. Of course, one must do and say more than that out in the World, but it is good to Watch Yourself and be careful about Picking your Battles. Most the Time you Gain Nothing, and Most People don't listen to you anyway... and the one's that DO Listen, well, one can usually speak pleasantly with them anyway.

If you think about it, it is what you DO and SAY that agitates your Mind and keeps Returning and Replaying in your Head. Think about the Times when you were simply too busy to Care about what somebody said, and so you choose not to react -- not to Do or Say anything. Well, how quickly you must have gotten over it. What we Don't Say or Don't Do rarely keeps us up at night.

Also, there are a lot of People out there who Love to Fight and Argue and Quarrel. It gets their blood flowing, and they are addicted to the Adrenaline Rush of Raised Voices and Sweeping Hand Gestures. And it seems that you are relatively easy to "bait". Remember, YOU are not the Only Person with an Anger Problem. People with Anger Problems sometimes collide. So, be on the Look Out for other Angry People and try to AVOID them. Now, Richard, here on the Forum is perhaps our most Sensible, Helpful and Intelligent Person, BUT, there is probably a Good Reason why he is here at the Anger Forum... perhaps he has a History of Anger. So, Madame Fallen, it would probably be a good idea to be a bit suspicious of Anybody who comes to this Forum. the Natural Saints probably have their own Page.

Well, I hope you enjoy your Reading. and thank you for your appreciation for what I had written. So many people never bother to even acknowledge it... but it's not like it is my Job or anything. So, thank you for your consideration.
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#14

Postby FallenMelek » Tue May 09, 2017 8:09 pm

Actually, my head is not spinning at all. And weirdly, I didn't feel as angry as much as I felt offended by That Richard's remarks. I came here to seek help, thinking I'd find people who would be able to help, and I opened myself up like never before, and here he comes judging me for wanting to have kids and telling me that I'm immature? That is offensive, in my mind at least. Well, after his second reply I found it amusing actually, because no matter what- he wouldn't let go. What is that if not crazily stubborn? (considering that I haven't been looking for advice in that particular area at all).
I just came to find out if the book would help, you gave me the answer. I bought it 15 min after I read your post, and I just got back home from work, and the book waited for me at the front door, so we'll see. I'll give it a go.
Thank you for your advice once again.
And really? You should not be fishing like that for angry people... Somebody might get really p***ed off.
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