Early Withdrawal, Fearing PAWS, Depression

Postby Achtung » Sun May 14, 2017 3:18 am

Hi guys.

First I'd like to say that I've been reading many of the posts and stories on here and find them to be frightening sometimes but mostly inspiring and helpful. I thought if I got feedback on my personal experience than I could gain more inspiration, so here I am with my first post. It seems I have a different habit and experience than most others on here, but whether anybody can relate or not I'd really like some feedback.

I quit smoking weed 27 days ago, but prior to that I had been smoking daily, sometimes twice or thrice daily, a minimal amount for probably about 2-3 years. Not even enough to get high really, as I often found if I smoked enough to get high it would cause me general anxiety (not paranoia) for ~15 minutes before tapering off, and my "highs" have for a long time not lasted over an hour at most. Just a hit here and there, a quick boost of energy.

I started smoking when I was 15, and I'm 21 now. The first year I only smoked on occasion and then got into the routine of smoking once a week on the weekends. At that time, it was easily manageable, and the highs were simply amazing and completely unlike what I experience from smoking now. Over the next few years I began to smoke more and more often, even with the occasional anxious/paranoid high and on three occasions....psychotic highs.

The first time I experienced psychosis it wasn't too bad. To call it psychosis is maybe even a bit of a stretch, because while I was having visual hallucinations I wasn't really freaking out or losing contact with reality, although I was quite anxious. I simply took a huge amount at once, more than I've ever taken from smoking. The other two times I became so paranoid to the point of delusion, plus auditory hallucinations. Why these experiences weren't wake up calls to me, I'll never know.

My diminishing love of weed and to some extent, life, began probably about 4 years ago after a week of smoking all day, every day while on a trip with friends. It just wasn't the same after that. I've heard from other people in real life that they "don't even really get high anymore" and I definitely feel the same way...I've felt that way for awhile. Anybody else experience that?

I'm aware all of this speaks so much of addiction, but my withdrawal so far has been pretty tame compared to others it seems. The first 3 days off were literally nothing, but days 4-9 were excruciating. My symptoms are almost entirely psychological/emotional: anxiety (occasional existential), depression, feeling lost or alone. I've had trouble sleeping but it's actually not troubling me all that much to my surprise. One morning of waking up in sweat. Dreams have not "returned" as I still had them occasionally prior to quitting, but I've had them nightly, and its actually been a positive aspect to my quit so far, although I had one dream that I was smoking, it didn't bother me that much. Haven't had any cravings, from what I can only guess is how unenjoyable and pointless smoking had been the last couple years. I continue to feel out of sorts, having mood swings (depression, then euphoria, etc), irritability, but it has been better than the 4-9 day period. I've read for some people the hardest period is after the first month until the 6/8/12 month breakthrough period, and that scares me. I'm concerned that quitting weed will only yield a small benefit what with my light habit and other difficulties going on in my life.

Honestly, I'm not even sure how much withdrawal is playing into all this. I've had many bad days for awhile now, despite smoking, "medicating" with weed AND taking an SSRI antidepressant that I've been on for 4 years. I take Luvox for OCD, depression and social anxiety, and I also have Asperger's syndrome. I consider myself a "maladaptive daydreamer" and I really think smoking weed has created or exacerbated this. Even now while I've cut out weed the times I feel best are when I'm having fantasies of success, friendships, a relationship, etc, similar to a stoner's deep thoughts but not actually doing anything with them. I think I'm experiencing limerence for another person, another addiction within itself, and it's really eating me up. I really, really just tell myself I want to be friends with this amazing, kind person, and I do, but my infatuation I'm afraid is getting in the way. I'm unable to read her well but I do know that she cares about me for some reason, but the uncertainty of where we stand is nurturing the limerence. I want it to stop.

On a more positive note, my dissatisfaction with my life has caused me to make some positive changes in the last 6 months even before quitting weed: working out, getting more exercise, eating healthier, trying to socialize more, new hobbies, etc. It's also been extremely difficult. I sometimes feel like I'm going to lose it. However, I've had depressive phases starting when I was 10, and I got through them. What I'd really like to know is - did you have depression/anxiety, etc before starting weed and did those symptoms persist after you quit? And if so would you consider weed an effective medication or have you been better off without it? For those who have overcome their addiction...what period of being off weed would you consider the most difficult?
Achtung
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