MIL recovering addict

Postby unabletothinkclearly » Fri May 19, 2017 12:52 am

My husband asked me if his mother could come to live with us because she was a drug addict and if she did not come out of that she would die (she is a 65 years old woman). I did not want her to come to live with us, and I expressed this to him telling him that the house was mine as much as it was his, but I did not agree with his mother coming. He then talk to his aunt (his mother's sister) and they both agreed that MIL would stay 1 month at our house and 1 month at the aunt's. They did a family meeting where I was invited to tell me the plan and also that his mother would help around the house while she was with us.
After about a week or so my husband put his mother into a detox program that lasted about three months. While the program lasted she was not home from morning to afternoon and I did not feel her presence that much. We had a few issues but, after a while she understood her position in my home. She completed the detox program and decided she would not leave the house even though her doctor had sent her to different specialists due to her health issues.
I traveled outside the state for work and as a habit I always look at cameras to talk to my dog. I then realized that one day after another MIL would watch tv for hours, from morning until night. Never leaving the house. I knew then she was there to stay and something needed to be done.
I talked to my husband and he contacted his aunt and asked her to please take his mother for a while. This happened after she had spent 6 months non stop at our home. The aunt took her, but after a month she is now back to our home again. I am not ok with this, I do not want her living with us.
Am I a monster for not wanting her in my home? She tries to stay out of my way, but in doing so I feel she spends hours in the room watching tv, doing nothing productive.
I have a cousin living with us, but she works all day; she only comes home at nights. My husband told me if MIL had to go my cousin has to go too. Is this fair? :?: :!:
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Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 19, 2017 1:10 am

unabletothinkclearly wrote: My husband told me if MIL had to go my cousin has to go too. Is this fair?

It is absolutely fair that if another person (a guest) is in your home, that you have the right that they leave, regardless of reason. The same holds true for your husband. Neither you nor your husband should be forced to live with a person in the house without your consent, even if it is a parent or family.

It is absolutely fair that you go to your husband and ask him to respect your wishes as his wife to no longer have his mother in your home.

And it is absolutely fair that he ask you to respect his wishes that your cousin no longer live in the home.

Whether your MIL or cousin is or is not productive or a polite guest is irrelevant.

The fact your husband disrespected your wish to not have the mother and had her stay in the home anyway says a lot about the health of your marriage. You need to focus on your relationship with your husband and once that is fixed you will be in a better position to address other issues.
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Postby Leo Volont » Sat May 20, 2017 11:10 am

Dear Unable to Think

Nowadays I think we have a problem with how the Institution of Marriage has evolved. Marriage is now an Equal Partnership, which is Wonderful in Theory, but in actual practice, unless there is Perfect Agreement about important decisions, that have to go one way or another, well, somebody will end up feeling unjustly screwed over.

Obviously you want to be the Boss of the Marriage. so you need to make your Ultimatum -- either your Husband agrees to abide by your Word in Everything for now on, or you will Leave.

Now, you may feel as though issuing such an Ultimatum may seem 'pushy' and confrontational. but look at what your Husband did. He was not confrontational at all. He simply just assumed control and took charge. He swept you aside. I wonder why you stay?

Do you NEED him? Could you Live on your own? You know, if you HAVE NO CHOICE, and if HE HOLDS ALL THE CARDS then you really need to get used to the fact that you are effectively a Dependent, and be grateful for whatever considerations your husband shows you. The years where your Husband pretended to let you think you were Coadjutor of the House and Properties, well, you can think of them as the bygone Good Ol Days. Cherish those Memories. Now your life has become something of a Return to Childhood. Your Husband and His Mother are now the Parents, and you must feel lucky to 'have your own room'. Do they let you stay up and watch TV?

But if you have your own Career and Credit Line, then why are you still there?

Now, if you ARE Dependent BUT if you are NOT ready to concede a Full and Humiliating Surrender, well, you can Hunker Down, gather your forces, and start to secretly maneuver. Start squirrelling away money. Pilfer money from Grocery Shopping and all the other bills -- whenever you purchase something with a debit card or check, ask for some Cash Money back on top. Unless your Husband carefully audits you, he will never know the difference (that is what my Ex-Wife did to me, and it worked fine... for her). If you do not already work, get a job. If the kind of job you can get doesn't provide an Independent Livable Salary, then you might have to take a couple of years to go back to School and Train for a Career. It might take awhile, BUT you can eventually Leave your Husband. He can be Boss of himself, but The Day Will Come when he will discover that he can't be the Boss of You too.
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