Introspective Rumination - My brain is fighting itself

Postby DEKOTA » Fri May 19, 2017 2:46 pm

This is going to be long as ****, but if you have an interest in psychology or feel similar you could find this very intriguing. Please try to understand my perspective on this, I've found it hard for such a long time to express what I feel in words in a way people will understand. I feel like I've finally figured out my mind, and the reason it has been driving me crazy. It's going to go pretty deep into metapsychological functions so if you aren't interested, I fully understand lol. But for those of you who do understand what I'm saying, leave your input below or share any similar topics.

Descriptive words: distant, detached, dissociated, empty, numb, vague, apathetic, numb, bored, fatigued, suspicious, introspective, anxious, neurotic, introverted, ruminative, observant

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I feel as though I move from one task to another mindlessly distracting myself from figuring out what I really want in life.

I research, read, and try to educate myself on psychology, biology, spirituality, etc and have become obsessively introspective in desperate hopes to find a logical recovery method to solve all my problems without actually implementing anything learned into my life consistently. My mindset is to self-actualize, be mindful, expand my perspective and gain and understanding of myself and my life considering it so obviously needs to be fixed. This has been a repetitive process I'm aware of but can't seem to stop no matter how hard I try. Quite honestly, it's been hard to come to the point I can openly admit all of that without my mind trying to fight it, procrastinate and repeat the brutal cycle of rumination but it's gone around in circles so many times repetitively my brain is starting to recognize what's happening.

For example, you can see I'm well aware of my rumination and thought process. We've established I somewhat have an understanding of where the problem lies. Let's say after typing this, I feel the motivation to try to fix one of the problems addressed, it might work for a few hours or maybe even a few days but eventually no matter what habit I try to start, or positive lifestyle change like eating healthier, meditating, exercise, socializing, the general things you do to improve mental well-being it collapses and fails. Why? I can't figure it out. I've seen the process happen so many times, each time going into it with a fresh perspective, optimism and motivation but it doesn't work out.

I feel like I've hit a breakthrough recently by opening my mind to the potential the problem could lie within my perception of reality, and myself. I discovered this after I finally managed to meditate for a while and inspect my thought process of the subconscious.

I feel as though there are two sides that construct myself, the left and right side of the brain. The left side being intellectual, logical, rational, conservative and the right side being creative, impulsive, intuitive, and unpredictable. Sometimes I feel mentally fatigued, and when I do the right side of my brain takes over.

Picture the left side of the brain as a conservative, analytical scientist. His intention is to observe and inspect reality in order to come to a logical understanding of the world.
Picture the right side of the brain as an intuitive, free-minded artist. He paints his intention with imagination, possibilities, and wishes.

Sometimes, if you over-think, over-analyze, and stress yourself out with logical problem solving the scientist within you gets tired. Just like if you were to think of creative ideas all day, and express yourself intuitively eventually the artist within you gets tired, this is connected to writers block.
I think my problem initially started from the fact I don't trust my intuition. When I begin to question my thoughts so does my subconscious. Metaphorically, the scientist and artist both know I'm having doubts about my capability of handling situations around me. When these thoughts are re-occurring, and persistent they think they'll just do me a favor and let the artist take over because he thinks less, and stresses less. The problem is the artist without the scientists input is a wild, impulsive, thrill-seeking lunatic. Just as the scientist without the artist is a conservative, obsessive, black-and-white thinker.

It leaves us unbalanced, It's like the yin-yang.

Purely left side brain thinking can leave us in a cycle of over analyzing, over thinking, perfectionism, compulsive habits and rumination. Searching for a logical answer with no emotion connected to the cause is like fishing with no bait. It's a long process waiting for nothing. When all you have is logical, rational, conservative thinking things become a bit boring, we need intuition and creativity to maintain a realistic perspective of life just as bad as we need logical, rational thinking.

So, when my brain gets tired and decides to let the artist take over I might come up with some creative ideas or interesting abstract theories but what I'm thinking isn't rational. The artist within me can imagine great, inspiring things but he doesn't know how to make them reality without the logical, constructive thinking of the scientist. This is my problem. It feels like the artist within me has basically said **** you to the scientist and now they are continuously fighting with each other, like a war going on in my mind. They destroy parts of my mind in their battle resulting in memory loss and amnesia contradicting each other with information and competing against each other in who serves a better role in regulating my thoughts and emotions.

When I meditate, they fight even harder. I sometimes literally feel emotionally overwhelmed when I try to go inside myself to see what I can find, these days it seems like they've destroyed everything and when I begin to meditate all I can feel is them saying "No, no, no stay out of here!" to try and protect me from something.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 19, 2017 3:05 pm

DEKOTA wrote: The artist within me can imagine great, inspiring things but he doesn't know how to make them reality without the logical, constructive thinking of the scientist. This is my problem.


Or maybe the problem has nothing to do with metacognition and a left/right, ying/yang struggle. Maybe you are still overthinking things and reality is that accomplishing whatever you want is much, much simpler.

You climb a mountain one step at a time. Pretty simple. There is no mystery, no secret, no metapsychological challenge in need of understanding. Introspection/rumination is most often just another word for procrastination.
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#2

Postby DEKOTA » Fri May 19, 2017 3:20 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
DEKOTA wrote: The artist within me can imagine great, inspiring things but he doesn't know how to make them reality without the logical, constructive thinking of the scientist. This is my problem.


Or maybe the problem has nothing to do with metacognition and a left/right, ying/yang struggle. Maybe you are still overthinking things and reality is that accomplishing whatever you want is much, much simpler.

You climb a mountain one step at a time. Pretty simple. There is no mystery, no secret, no metapsychological challenge in need of understanding. Introspection/rumination is most often just another word for procrastination.


You're very right there, I know in reality things are much simpler than my mind interprets. I guess, it stems from a thirst for higher knowledge than I need. Basic is not good enough, I need a complete understanding of every little psychological function where realistically I need to learn to let go

I still feel as though there are two sides of me that completely contradict each other which will always confuse me.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 19, 2017 4:28 pm

DEKOTA wrote: Basic is not good enough, I need a complete understanding of every little psychological function where realistically I need to learn to let go.


I get it, I too enjoy and have found myself falling into the introspection trap, but there is an easy fix. You control your time, you control where you focus your energy.

What I do, and maybe it will work for you, is Sunday is the day each week I give myself to indulge my fantasies, to plan, to introspect, and to gaze up at the top of the mountain. When the sun comes up Monday, my focus is on execution, on being mindful and actually climbing the mountain. Introspection is not allowed Monday through Saturday, but no big deal as I know Sunday I can use the entire day to ruminate if I so choose. I control my time, no one else. If I find myself ruminating during the week, that is procrastination, an excuse to avoid climbing the mountain.
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