Introspective Rumination - My brain is fighting itself

Postby DEKOTA » Fri May 19, 2017 2:46 pm

This is going to be long as ****, but if you have an interest in psychology or feel similar you could find this very intriguing. Please try to understand my perspective on this, I've found it hard for such a long time to express what I feel in words in a way people will understand. I feel like I've finally figured out my mind, and the reason it has been driving me crazy. It's going to go pretty deep into metapsychological functions so if you aren't interested, I fully understand lol. But for those of you who do understand what I'm saying, leave your input below or share any similar topics.

Descriptive words: distant, detached, dissociated, empty, numb, vague, apathetic, numb, bored, fatigued, suspicious, introspective, anxious, neurotic, introverted, ruminative, observant

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I feel as though I move from one task to another mindlessly distracting myself from figuring out what I really want in life.

I research, read, and try to educate myself on psychology, biology, spirituality, etc and have become obsessively introspective in desperate hopes to find a logical recovery method to solve all my problems without actually implementing anything learned into my life consistently. My mindset is to self-actualize, be mindful, expand my perspective and gain and understanding of myself and my life considering it so obviously needs to be fixed. This has been a repetitive process I'm aware of but can't seem to stop no matter how hard I try. Quite honestly, it's been hard to come to the point I can openly admit all of that without my mind trying to fight it, procrastinate and repeat the brutal cycle of rumination but it's gone around in circles so many times repetitively my brain is starting to recognize what's happening.

For example, you can see I'm well aware of my rumination and thought process. We've established I somewhat have an understanding of where the problem lies. Let's say after typing this, I feel the motivation to try to fix one of the problems addressed, it might work for a few hours or maybe even a few days but eventually no matter what habit I try to start, or positive lifestyle change like eating healthier, meditating, exercise, socializing, the general things you do to improve mental well-being it collapses and fails. Why? I can't figure it out. I've seen the process happen so many times, each time going into it with a fresh perspective, optimism and motivation but it doesn't work out.

I feel like I've hit a breakthrough recently by opening my mind to the potential the problem could lie within my perception of reality, and myself. I discovered this after I finally managed to meditate for a while and inspect my thought process of the subconscious.

I feel as though there are two sides that construct myself, the left and right side of the brain. The left side being intellectual, logical, rational, conservative and the right side being creative, impulsive, intuitive, and unpredictable. Sometimes I feel mentally fatigued, and when I do the right side of my brain takes over.

Picture the left side of the brain as a conservative, analytical scientist. His intention is to observe and inspect reality in order to come to a logical understanding of the world.
Picture the right side of the brain as an intuitive, free-minded artist. He paints his intention with imagination, possibilities, and wishes.

Sometimes, if you over-think, over-analyze, and stress yourself out with logical problem solving the scientist within you gets tired. Just like if you were to think of creative ideas all day, and express yourself intuitively eventually the artist within you gets tired, this is connected to writers block.
I think my problem initially started from the fact I don't trust my intuition. When I begin to question my thoughts so does my subconscious. Metaphorically, the scientist and artist both know I'm having doubts about my capability of handling situations around me. When these thoughts are re-occurring, and persistent they think they'll just do me a favor and let the artist take over because he thinks less, and stresses less. The problem is the artist without the scientists input is a wild, impulsive, thrill-seeking lunatic. Just as the scientist without the artist is a conservative, obsessive, black-and-white thinker.

It leaves us unbalanced, It's like the yin-yang.

Purely left side brain thinking can leave us in a cycle of over analyzing, over thinking, perfectionism, compulsive habits and rumination. Searching for a logical answer with no emotion connected to the cause is like fishing with no bait. It's a long process waiting for nothing. When all you have is logical, rational, conservative thinking things become a bit boring, we need intuition and creativity to maintain a realistic perspective of life just as bad as we need logical, rational thinking.

So, when my brain gets tired and decides to let the artist take over I might come up with some creative ideas or interesting abstract theories but what I'm thinking isn't rational. The artist within me can imagine great, inspiring things but he doesn't know how to make them reality without the logical, constructive thinking of the scientist. This is my problem. It feels like the artist within me has basically said **** you to the scientist and now they are continuously fighting with each other, like a war going on in my mind. They destroy parts of my mind in their battle resulting in memory loss and amnesia contradicting each other with information and competing against each other in who serves a better role in regulating my thoughts and emotions.

When I meditate, they fight even harder. I sometimes literally feel emotionally overwhelmed when I try to go inside myself to see what I can find, these days it seems like they've destroyed everything and when I begin to meditate all I can feel is them saying "No, no, no stay out of here!" to try and protect me from something.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 19, 2017 3:05 pm

DEKOTA wrote: The artist within me can imagine great, inspiring things but he doesn't know how to make them reality without the logical, constructive thinking of the scientist. This is my problem.


Or maybe the problem has nothing to do with metacognition and a left/right, ying/yang struggle. Maybe you are still overthinking things and reality is that accomplishing whatever you want is much, much simpler.

You climb a mountain one step at a time. Pretty simple. There is no mystery, no secret, no metapsychological challenge in need of understanding. Introspection/rumination is most often just another word for procrastination.
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#2

Postby DEKOTA » Fri May 19, 2017 3:20 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
DEKOTA wrote: The artist within me can imagine great, inspiring things but he doesn't know how to make them reality without the logical, constructive thinking of the scientist. This is my problem.


Or maybe the problem has nothing to do with metacognition and a left/right, ying/yang struggle. Maybe you are still overthinking things and reality is that accomplishing whatever you want is much, much simpler.

You climb a mountain one step at a time. Pretty simple. There is no mystery, no secret, no metapsychological challenge in need of understanding. Introspection/rumination is most often just another word for procrastination.


You're very right there, I know in reality things are much simpler than my mind interprets. I guess, it stems from a thirst for higher knowledge than I need. Basic is not good enough, I need a complete understanding of every little psychological function where realistically I need to learn to let go

I still feel as though there are two sides of me that completely contradict each other which will always confuse me.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri May 19, 2017 4:28 pm

DEKOTA wrote: Basic is not good enough, I need a complete understanding of every little psychological function where realistically I need to learn to let go.


I get it, I too enjoy and have found myself falling into the introspection trap, but there is an easy fix. You control your time, you control where you focus your energy.

What I do, and maybe it will work for you, is Sunday is the day each week I give myself to indulge my fantasies, to plan, to introspect, and to gaze up at the top of the mountain. When the sun comes up Monday, my focus is on execution, on being mindful and actually climbing the mountain. Introspection is not allowed Monday through Saturday, but no big deal as I know Sunday I can use the entire day to ruminate if I so choose. I control my time, no one else. If I find myself ruminating during the week, that is procrastination, an excuse to avoid climbing the mountain.
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#4

Postby societyisatrap » Thu Oct 19, 2017 3:58 pm

I can relate to you on so many levels. I'm glad I came across your post as it's put into words what I can't.

I haven't really looked into my issues in a philosophical such as yourself, but more so in a scientific way. Your description matches what I feel like is going on in my head. I found that it's most likely due to a chemical imbalance of dopamine/norepinephrine/serotonin and therefore could be treatable if linked to a neurotic disorder.

I found a link to a similar post that describes your symptoms on a practical level. I'm in a situation almost exactly similar to the OP.

(I can't actually add the link as apparently it's spam. If you search for "blank mind devastating cognitive lethargy" it should be the top link, it's on netdoctor).


Good luck!
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#5

Postby quietvoice » Fri Oct 20, 2017 12:18 am

DEKOTA wrote:I research, read, and try to educate myself on psychology, biology, spirituality, etc

I wonder if you've looked into the Three Principles of Mind, Consciousness and Thought. Search on that if you haven't.
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#6

Postby Infinite » Sat Oct 28, 2017 12:07 am

Hi Dekota,
hmmm where to start.

I will just write my thoughts randomly. I am a student of psychotherapy now but I used to be like you in the past. I see few blind spots that I used to have and more so here I go:

You are tired of thinking because thinking brain takes and needs more psychic energy....where feeling does not. That is why when people (similar to you and I) who intellectualise a lot of their feelings can get depressed (we are not but we could)...and hence the tiredness thing. Creativity is not as tiring (or not tiring at all as intellectual rumination).
What you are suffering (or one of the many is), you are not feeling. You are thinking a lot. I do not know about your life but I think you do not have intimacy in your life. You have way too much time to be alone and ruminate and if this goes on for too long, you will have a breakdown...you cannot stay this high on intellect. Even Neitze got nervous breakdown! or Jung...

Another thing I am noticing is this you are trying to self actualise without even overcoming some trauma or some struggle or some past issues...this is like running in the Olympics without ever winning anywhere else.

If you are really interested in finding yourself and getting healthy (what you describe sounds quite sad if it goes too long), read Erik Erikson's children and society (textbook but it helps) or read the theory of love.

You are smart, intelligent, you do not need anymore thinking...YOU NEED FEELING. without feeling you are basically masturbating forever without release.

I truly hope you find a great psychodymanic therapist or group therapy....to practise empathy. You are not truly being self compassion which is one of the most important path to self actualization.

I truly enjoyed your post. I did the same. I came up many solutions and also I got down to the source of my issue for me: it was I did not know love. I felt. I had a lot of feelings (too much maybe) but my source of lack of love.

I think this much of self introspection without changing is lack of love. Ultimately you do not want to change because finding love, needing others and getting out there is more painful than self rumination. but guess what? if you take THAT RISK, you may be pleasantly surprised. If you can surprise this much of rumination without clinical depression, you are actually stronger than you think...you have natural resilience and no rejection will break you (from what you post ).

Basically until you face your shadow, demons heads on, you will be in the loop, what Freud called repetition compulsion...and it is tiring...IT IS EXHAUSTING.

imagine all you could accomplish if you get out of the loop.
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#7

Postby laureat » Sat Oct 28, 2017 4:01 am

There is nothing wrong with intellectual thinking when trying to solve problems: infact it’s necessary but there are also moments and places which there is no need for intellectual thinking

for example disco and bedroom you dont want to be intellectual there, one you celebrate, you play, you dance, and the other you quit, you stop, you sleep

I often read/hear ppl identify oneself with one state of the mind: but a state of the mind is just one piece of you, and you have so much more

Ruminating = obsessing = fighting

Quit fighting, and there be no obsession, no rumination
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#8

Postby Infinite » Sat Oct 28, 2017 4:38 pm

laureat wrote:There is nothing wrong with intellectual thinking when trying to solve problems: infact it’s necessary but there are also moments and places which there is no need for intellectual thinking

for example disco and bedroom you dont want to be intellectual there, one you celebrate, you play, you dance, and the other you quit, you stop, you sleep

I often read/hear ppl identify oneself with one state of the mind: but a state of the mind is just one piece of you, and you have so much more

Ruminating = obsessing = fighting

Quit fighting, and there be no obsession, no rumination


No one will ever say something is wrong with thinking and of course thinking solves problems both practical and some emotional issues. The problem with the poster here is not he can think (0r she can think) but that her thinking is taking over her other issues and yet still not solving whatever that is causing rumination and psychic fights.

There are three brains so far we are aware of: Limbic, Mammalia, and Neocortx.
In order to be healthy and self actualise they all have to be balanced. Whenever one is taking over the other, there is a huge problem...no matter how functional you may appear to outside people.

In my assessment, and I can very wrong, this poster is suffering in the mammalia area - socialising and feelings. Socializing for either he/she is in the wrong relationships causing the source of tension/anxiety or cannot find a relationship to provide safety and stability...it feels extreme in his/her word. I also said feelings were lackging..cause all that ruminations cannt be all intellectuals. If I knew this person, I could see some emotions on his/her face, but without that, I would ask, do you cry? are you sad? are you disappointed? are you lonely? I would look for some feelings as a result of all these ruminations.

that is all
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