Living With Mother In Law

Postby Kiwilana » Sat May 27, 2017 3:05 am

Normally I do not complain, but I think I need to vent. As of this year, my mom passed away and her death hit me hard. My husband and I lost our place, I lost my mom, and we had no where to go besides his mother's house. At first I thought this was totally fine, but my husband was apprehensive about it. I couldn't understand why as I really liked his mother. Boy, was I so wrong.
When we first moved in, my fiance (now my husband, we married about two weeks ago) were happy just to have a place. At the time, his mother told us we would not pay rent and she was glad to take us in. Before I go into detail about everything let me explain her predicament.
She is a stay at home, self owning type business woman who struggles just to make rent everyday, has four boys who live under who roof (ages 18, 16, 13, and 11) who she is supposed to be homeschooling. These kids do NOT do anything. They are slobs, leave food out, complain about doing chores, do not do any school work whatsoever, and are loud and fighting all the time. My MIL does nothing about it and just screams at them to shut up or she wishes she could just run away and never deal with them again. All she does is sit at home on a computer to do social media work. Her husband and her split over a year ago due to personal reasons and they barely talk. Mind you, I give it to her, she's working, but god I think I'm to the brink of pulling my hair out. Anyway:
The oldest, the 18 year old, does work, but he's a little smart donkey who does nothing besides complain about his brothers. The second is damn near mentally disabled. He can barely speak coherently and all of them are in third grade, as far as learning goes.
No my husband and I moved it because she said we could live rent free, help her around the house, and she would help us with our baby. (He was six months when we moved in, he is now almost 11 months) at first that is what I did. I helped her with her kids, my husband worked, and she kind of babysat and helped me with my son, especially since I was in and out of state because of my mother's death. None of this really happened though. Upon my return, I discovered that my MIL was charging us $500 for a room and was not even babysitting forcing my husband to take several days off from work while I was away. My husband and I managed to talk to her and she dropped it down to $350. But besides that, I deal with his family EVERYDAY. Normally, I wouldn't care, but her kids are messy, loud, and fight all day long.
To top off it, the eldest boy, the 16 year old, took a knife to our kid because he had just learned to crawl and kept getting in the kitchen and trying to get in the dishwasher. I was appalled and feared for my kids life and told his mother that was not okay. She just shrugged and said "kids would be kids". I was completely astounded and even after we told the kid he couldn't be around our son, she was angry.
So, anyway, just this month, we were getting ready to move, when my husband lost his job due to too many absences (they recounted and he had too many) it was really hard as we were so close. So we went to tell his mom and her first worry is if we are going to pay her rent. We were shocked and said "Of course not, he doesn't have a job." and because my mother in law doesn't want to watch my son, I have to stay at home and take care of him. She barely takes care of her own kids.
Well she knows I get a benefit that I received after my mom died and said she wanted that for rent. Mind you, that's all the money we have until my husband can find a new job and it's only $260/mo. My husband sold a lot of his stuff we had in order to give her the rest of rent and instead of letting us keep it for diapers, food, or even formula, she took it and we had nothing. My husbands dad, who is apparently this "big bad guy" heard what was happening and gave us money just to get by. I just am at the end of my rope as I have had a hard year so far. I am going to school and I plan to get a job once the classes are up, but god I was so shocked that this woman, who I expected to be like a mother to me, was so heartless and cold. And now we are stuck here and I think my brain is going to explode as she threatened to kick us out because we can't pay her rent.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 27, 2017 4:21 am

Kiwilana wrote: I was so shocked that this woman, who I expected to be like a mother to me, was so heartless and cold.


Conditions in her home do sound bad. It sounds like she really struggles and there is simply not enough money for her to provide for 8 people all by herself, hence asking for help from her son. She might be an unfriendly person, she might lack in social and parenting skills, but she doesn't sound heartless or cruel to me. To me it sounds like she was already straining with 5 people in the home to feed and she was kind enough to take in 3 more people under her roof.

Anyway, you need money immediately. With money you and your husband can find your own place. You get money by taking a loan or getting a job. If this means delaying school, that is just a small bump in the road of life as you get back on your feet.

The situation is difficult. There is no good solution, just a less bad solution.
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#2

Postby Kiwilana » Sat May 27, 2017 7:12 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
Kiwilana wrote: I was so shocked that this woman, who I expected to be like a mother to me, was so heartless and cold.


I should clarify. When my husband is around her she degrades him, talks down about him and makes him seem like he isn't her son because he wants to be close to his father. When my mother died, she turned around and told me "Well that's what happens when you are an alcoholic," and proceeded to tell her kids that my mom looked horrible at the end of her life because she smoked and drank. I'm not even kidding. I have been kind to this woman. Paid for her kids to have new clothes, paid for her to have a day out with me when she was struggling and needed a day off and even helped her buy groceries when we had money to help put. She has recently upped her business and has more money coming in. My point is the minute her son and I needed help, after offering her help, she basically threw us to the wolves. THAT is my biggest problem at the moment. While she has money coming in and we are sitting trying to make it by, she took a lot from is and didn't even help us out. I clean, cook, take her kids out and have been as helpful as possible since she did open our home to us, but being treated the way she has treated us has been heartless.
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#3

Postby Candid » Sat May 27, 2017 7:34 am

Your mother-in-law is not the problem. You and your husband need to find a way to stand on your own feet financially.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat May 27, 2017 1:21 pm

Kiwilana wrote: but being treated the way she has treated us has been heartless.


She doesn't sound like a nice person to be around. It sounds like some of the things she has said are not very kind. But her actions show a person that has a heart. She had 5 mouths to feed on just her income and then she took in another 3 people into her home. And you are still there, she hasn't kicked you out. Kicking you out would be pretty heartless, but given your contempt for her would you blame her? Probably so.

She is not just the mother, she is the leader, she is the provider. It sounds like she is horrible at her role. She does a lousy job managing this life raft full of 8 people built for 4. It sounds like some real animosity for her, because she is not the leader you expect her to be, as you said, the mother you want. This woman is not meeting your expectations, she is flawed or as you put heartless.

With the above stated, your focus is misguided. You are wasting your time/energy on the leader you don't like. You are not going to change her. You are focused on her bad leadership as the matriarch. Where you need to focus your time/energy is on leaving.
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#5

Postby kyrani99 » Sat May 27, 2017 4:07 pm

Get unemployment benefits, public housing or whatever you need to do, but get out of there. It is a very unhealthy environment, especially when you have a young child.
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