Pregnant with distant boyfriend

Postby Daniguzmangl » Mon Jun 19, 2017 8:03 pm

Thank you for reading. I would like to mention every detail of what is going on so my post might be a little long.. I am 23 years old, pregnant of my one year boyfriend. We met while I was traveling last year and he asked me to travel with him for a few months. In november last year, he got a seasonal job and i went visiting him for some days. Our relationship has always been so loving, caring and really fun. He is my best friend. While we were there he said he would like to come to my home country and meet my family, and would like if I came with him to meet his (he is from The Netherlands and we were both in Central America). Two months later i had booked my flight and he was coming home for almost a month. We were so excited and everything was great, until i read some texts with a girl. He confessed they had kissed but he regreted everything and was extremely sorry. I felt betrayed but something told me to forgive him. The rest of his stay here he proved to me that he really cared for us and was really looking forward to make things more serious. He left to The Netherlands three weeks before my trip and days after that, we found out we were pregnant. It was a big shock for everyone, especially us. At first everything was okayish but I felt like he kept growing distant. I asked him if everything was okay and he said it was but he needed time. He said he always wanted to start a family with me but it was all so soon, that he was scared and that he felt we were growing apart. I tried being strong but deep inside was scared that he would disappear and that i would never make it to the trip to actually talk about things. I finally made it and the first days we didnt really talk about things. I felt a litttle distant from him,i think as a way of self defense. He introduced me to his closest friends, to his family, to his grandparents and everything. After some days we were talking about things and he sounded excited once we went to the doctor to get an ultrasound. He would kiss my belly and always talked about the future. Some days i would be a little distant, some days i felt he was not committed enough. We went traveling and after that we talked about telling his parents. I wanted to tell them as soon as possible because i felt like i was lying to them in a way. Time went by and we traveled again back and forth.. on my last weeks of the trip he told me he was a little worried to tell his parents because he didnt have a job nor anything to offer me and didnt want them to worry about it. He wanted to tell them once everything was sorted which i got a little upset about. However, i could tell he was excited and much more caring and loving. Before i traveled back we decided that it was the best idea to have the baby there and called to the register offices to see the process. I needed some paperwork and other things so I decided to take my trip back home to do that, and he would get everything ready once I came back. He also asked me to leave many things, clothes, some baby things we had which seemed like a good sign to me. Once i came back he would call everyday, many times a day for sometimes hours. But one day he got a job offer in Brazil (before finding out i was pregnant we had made plans for that job). The job was from july to october and i am due november. I was of course upset just by the fact that he even considered it. He told me he really wanted to do it and that everything will work out fine, that he wanted to feel "free" and enjoy his job one last time (he is a kiting instructor) before the baby was here. I freaked out and went crazy on texts insultinghim and pretty much telling him things i regret. He just told me he had rejected the offer and that he was also sorry to even think about it. That it was hard for him to adjust to the idea but he would do everything to make me comfortable. After that i apologized too and told him i would control my temper but itnjust doesnt feel the same. The timezone is si different so its a little hard to get in touch brcause he works pretty much all day long and when he is home its past midnight here. But that didnt seem to be a problem before so now i dont know what to do :( im really desperate. My trip back to him is in august/september and i dont know what is going to happen in the meantime. He isngrowing distant again and im scared he will just disappear.. please help me :(
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Jun 20, 2017 3:45 am

You are scared, because what you want or expect to happen is not necessarily going to happen. There are unknowns and unknowns can be scary. You want:

-1- Him to love you.

-2- Him to be a father.

You have an expectation of some ideal where you are a couple that has the child in the Netherlands in November and you live together happily ever after. You are a family.

When his behavior is consistent with the above you feel good. He calls, he is supportive, he says to keep baby things or kisses your belly, your expectations are being met. But, when his behavior is to kiss another girl or take a job in Brazil this does not meet your expectations and this scares you.

The thing is...and this is the tough part...you can't force your expectations to become true, because you can't force another person to do anything they don't want to do. You can't control another person. And when you get angry with another person because they are not meeting your expectations, that just pushes them farther away.

I recommend you start being open and realistic about what you both expect. It sounds like he is trying to be supportive of having this child with you, including having it in his country and taking legal responsibility. It sounds like he is trying to make it work, meeting 80% of your expectations, but that is not enough for you. You expect him to meet 100% of your expectations and that isn't happening as you push him away and don't work with him on what he wants.

Think about these questions. Do you expect he is faithful? Do you expect he is there for the child? Do you expect he is there for the birth? Do you expect financial support? Do you expect he love you? Do you expect you live together?

Now, if you had to give up your expectations of this ideal relationship, which would you sacrifice first, second, third? Would you not expect him to be there for the birth as long as he was faithful to you? Would you be willing to accept he not live with you as long as he provided financial support?

Bottom line, you have a set of ideal expectations. You are becoming angry when he doesn't meet 100% of those expectations and this is just pushing him further away. You need to be ready to accept that this man might not be willing to meet every expectation you have.
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#2

Postby Daniguzmangl » Tue Jun 20, 2017 4:43 pm

Thank you for your reply. You are very right.. I am being too hard on wanting him to meet every expectation I have and Im not even considering his. However I apologized for not taking his feelings into consideration and we have barely talked ever since. He sends me pictures of random things but pretty much ignores my calls (he is offline but he obviously sees it once he gets online).. Im just a ball of emotions right now and try not to push him further away but I also want to talk with him about things.. :( would you recommend to text more or just way for him to come to me?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 21, 2017 12:07 am

It doesn't sound like you are ready to talk with him. It sounds like you have not taken the time to reflect on which of your expectations you are okay with him not fulfilling. Are you okay with him not supporting the child financially? Are you okay if he doesn't love you? Are you okay if he doesn't live with you? Which expectation comes first, second, third?

Instead, it sounds like you just want to talk about his expectations and figure out how you can make him happy. That won't work. You do need to understand his expectations, but not until you understand your own expectations better.

You need to step back from trying to communicate with him and start communicating with yourself. Take out a piece of paper, write down what you expect and in what order they are your priority. What are you willing to sacrifice? At the bottom of the list is you having no expectations of him. You do not expect him to love or support you or your child. Right above no expectations, what then is the absolute minimum you expect? That he know the child? That he communicate with the child?

Once you have a better understanding of your expectations, give it a week. If he has not wanted to talk to you by then, reach out and tell him you want to discuss your expectations and see if he is able to meet them or not. Find out where you stand.
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#4

Postby Daniguzmangl » Wed Jun 21, 2017 12:19 am

Again, thank you for your reply. That sounds like a great idea. I havent actually had any time to think about what i want and expect first after everything happened. One time we talked about what we both felt and he told me he was scared i only wanted him to give the baby the dutch passport and then inwould walk away. I felt really bad and tried to prove him it was not the case. Also he kept asking me if i loved him,if i missed him while he was gone and I do. I just want us to move past this and just be together because it seems so much clearer :( when he rejected the job in brazil he told me that we should go next year once the baby is born, together. I feel loved by him but now that he is so distant i dont know what to feel anymore.. it sucks not having him around and not being able to talk this.. :(
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#5

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Jun 21, 2017 2:15 am

Daniguzmangl wrote:...when he rejected the job in brazil he told me that we should go next year once the baby is born, together.


This shows you his expectations. He expects to still travel. He expects to still be a kite instructor. He expects you and the child to travel with him.

Do you not believe him? Do you think he is joking or lying?

Are his expectations not suitable to you? Do you expect he not travel, not be a kite instructor or that you and the child stay in one country while he works in another?

It seems like he has told you in various ways what he expects. He expects the baby to be born in his country. He expects to be the child's father. Are these expectations not sufficient?

it seems so much clearer


You want clarity as clarity brings peace of mind. That isn't going to happen. He cannot provide you 100% clarity. He can only provide you what he expects to happen. He expects the baby be born in his country, he expects you and the child travel with him. Is that not clarity enough?

The more you push him for greater clarity of your future and when he cannot provide 100% clarity the more the future will become unclear. Does that make sense?

For instance, he might be very clear. He envisions a future with you at his side, the baby in your arms on the beach in Brazil as he instructs some new students how to kite surf. Then he wakes up to a missed phone call, several messages and a few insults. That clear future suddenly becomes less clear. He starts getting confused as he no longer is so certain if you will be with him on that beach. He doesn't want a life where the person on the beach is insulting him or is too needy. So his future becomes less certain, less clear and this results in creating distance. The same as you want more clarity, so does he.
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#6

Postby Daniguzmangl » Thu Jun 22, 2017 12:24 am

I wrote down what you suggested and you have no idea how much help its been. I actually see i with more clarity and I think I needed someone else to tell me things straight forward. I was a little too confused and too emotional and wasnt thinking rationally when the answers where pretty much there. I cant ask him to be someone he is not, however, we are looking for things that are going to satissfy our needs and our baby's. We both really want to travel with her (its a she❤) and have a life filled with adventures and more things we've shared so far. I got to talk to him today.. he called me and it seems like we are moving past things. I dont feel ready to talk about everythinf yet because im working on controlling my temper and my emotions. Im also working on being more patience and tolerant. I know its going to take time but I know everything will be fine. I wanted to ask you, when I address things to him,should i ask him for his expectations first to hear him or the other way around? Or should i tell him that we should both make the list and see things from there? Thank you so much Richard. Its been such a great day☺
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jun 22, 2017 3:48 am

Daniguzmangl wrote:... im working on controlling my temper and my emotions. Im also working on being more patience and tolerant.

...when I address things to him,should i ask him for his expectations first to hear him or the other way around? Or should i tell him that we should both make the list and see things from there?


Definitely you both should write down your expectations, but not just this once. Life is not static. Expectations will change as life happens. Periodically you should review your expectations in life. Every 3 months I look at my list, set my goals, confirm my values and what direction I'm headed. Being in a new relationship with a child on the way, you two should be constantly working to make sure your expectations are aligned, that what you expect and what he expects works.

The temper/emotions is an issue, because while the lists you both create will make it much easier to discuss your expectations, there will eventually be a difference in expectations that cannot be resolved. If he can't or won't meet your expectations on an issue, getting angry will just push him away. Instead, you need to prepare in advance things you can do when he doesn't meet your expectations, including an expectation to which he may have agreed.

For example, what is your expectation currently about communication? Is your expectation a minimum of 1 video chat per week, 2 chats, daily communication? What are his expectations? Anger, frustration over lack of communication is I'm guessing a point of contention based on your previous posts and the current physical distance.

What if he missed or neglected to follow through on the communication, would you be angry? I bet currently you have no understanding of expectations regarding communication, rather your expectation is ill-defined. You get angry or frustrated when you call or text and he doesn't respond as timely as you would like, even as he has no way of really knowing what you expect. Anyway, if you agree to X chats a week and he doesn't meet your expectation, what are other ways to respond than anger? Instead of responding with ugly communication and insults, how about shutting off your phone, stepping away from the computer and spend some time focused on yourself. Get out of the house and go somewhere for a few hours. Go to a park, meet a friend for lunch, get a cup of coffee. Get your mind off the relationship.

The next time you talk with him, you will be ready. The next talk you focus on the expectation of communication and what went wrong. Maybe he forgot, maybe he had a good reason, maybe the Internet wasn't working. By stepping away and having the list of expectations it will make it easier to be more patient.
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