Day 4 Weed free and struggling

#45

Postby Gitana » Sat Aug 05, 2017 6:02 pm

Hey NatureGirl!
Just stopping by, wanted to congratulate you for the half a month milestone - you did it! And you seem to be delivering pretty well on the being active part, lots of good decisions!

As for dealing with the negative forces around us, it is part of the journey i think : people who challenge me by doubting my resolve are actually only making it stronger in a "I will succeed, even if only to prove them wrong" type of dynamic. And naturally they have their own demons and insecurity. There s no wrong way no wrong path, whatever works. Remember you are unique yet not alone, and that you can also tremendously help them by the way you react to their attacks: we lead by exemple, dont we?

I m about half a year of quitting and my cognitive fitness in only starting to rear its head - and again this is not even a straight curve - here too, one day at a time.
Anyway, very nice to hear you re in a good place to achieve that mission of yours :)
Peace
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#46

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Aug 05, 2017 6:28 pm

naturegirl wrote: ....I know these continuous dreams reflect insecurity....
..... I am still ashamed to say that I haven’t thrown away my stash. I have at least a couple ounces of pot. I’m not strong enough to just flush it all down the toilet or have a ceremonial burn......
...... I pray that I don’t need it as a form of medication. I don’t know. My heart still isn’t truly committed,.......

:x



We're gonna have to learn to embrace the bad days as well as the good ones. You know this. I see you trying to be more positive and it's working. I also see you being hard on yourself as well.
I really wanna give you some tuff love but I'm not sure that's what you need. Then again, it might be...
I realize you're an emotional person. I don't understand really 'cause I'm not. I am the only person who is gonna be tuff on me so I am. Who's gonna be tuff on you when you need it? I hope not me because that's gonna be hard for me when it comes to you. I call em like I see em though, a spade a spade etc so you know you can expect that from me..... I'm sure you also know I care about you and others struggling here. I care because I understand and want us to be okay. I also know that a lot of people are wasting their own time and will relapse into the old ways and probably worse. I don't believe you will do this. You're too smart for that I'm thinking. I do believe your making it harder than it has to be...and it's hard enough as it is.


I love my dreams. Haven't dreamt in many many years because of pot and now I can't wait. I look forward to them every night good or bad. As far as reflecting insecurities, okay yes I suppose your right but so what. They are your dreams and special to you and no one else. Ever notice when you tell a dream to someone else that they really couldn't care less, much less understand why it's important enough to repeat? Or even listening to others dreams how you just don't get it like they do. When it's said and done they're just dreams. Brush off the bad ones and love the good ones.
My daughter told me she has learned to somewhat control her dreams. She called it lucidity, or lucid dreaming I think. I did a double take on that one and went and did a little research. Seems others can as well. News to me but I'm now working on it. What the hell huh. Why not.
http://m.wikihow.com/Lucid-Dream



What would your mind do if you trashed that stash you have been clinging to? Why do you have it? What good is it? How does it help you to keep it in your home that your Father worked so hard on? (I know that was probably a hard one but...)
Really though, if you trashed it would you cry, would you feel relief? How would it hurt you? I really don't think you're gonna freak out and go get more and start smoking again. But... If you feel it's the right thing to do then keep it I suppose. I bet it's good stuff though, how would you feel if you smoked it? :roll: :oops: :cry: :|



Not committed... It sure doesn't seem that way from where I stand. Look at what you've been through, how far you've come. You have a new ride, an almost new deck, plans to improve that you probably would not have had before, ...I'm sure there's a lot more. Your thinking clearer now. It's all flooding in on us both. We just gotta adjust accordingly and get control. Don't worry about school, you got it. It will help you. Gonna be like riding a bran new bike. Just imagine how much more effective your gonna be now as a teacher.
Medication.... For what? If you need to be medicated then so do I.

I tell you what.... If you smoke
So will I.
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#47

Postby naturegirl » Sun Aug 06, 2017 2:53 pm

August 6, 2017

Gitana and Scott, thank you so much for the feedback!
Gitana, I’m almost at a month. It’s officially three weeks today. It is nice hitting any kind of milestone. I was listening to an NPR podcast about a fellow who liked to set 30 day goals. He explained that in order for something to stick that it took between 20 and 45 days, so he decided to pick 30 days as an experiment to see if he could finish those goals. Well, I’m almost there, but I know I’ll need a lot more time to make this stick. I think it will always be an issue, but the longer I go the stronger I get. It’s like establishing roots. I need those roots to grow deep, so that I can grow tall and strong. Time, time, time
And as for people in my life, I’m not worried about being around people who smoke. It’s rare when I am. I just want to be around people who are supportive. I feel like I am a closet smoker. In the work world or in my neighborhood, I’m just the friendly teacher. For the most part, my close friends got my back, but I’m still not sure they understand my struggle. So, I am grateful for this place. It helps me incredibly.
Scott, don’t you dare smoke! You smoke. I smoke too. I appreciate you saying that to me. I won’t crack. Two years ago, I tried to quit for the first time. I just decided that I was tired of being stoned girl in the evening. I was tired of fearing phone calls, and tuning out the world. I was tired of not remembering or being able to recall information. So I quit for about three months. Then school got hard. I didn’t have any support system such as this site. I started to question why I was trying to do this, and then, I was haunted by my mother’s words of telling me to smoke. My parents very much encouraged me to smoke pot. Their friendship was based on pot. If I came to visit and seemed uptight, they would tell me to smoke to mellow out. Therefore, when I was stressed from school, I went back to those lessons, and threw away all my hard work. And once I started to smoke, I thought the whole idea of quitting was pointless. I was back to the old me. It’s funny how the brain tricks you.
So, I think to myself, “If smoking pot is so great, why do I have this urge to want to quit?”
The answer is I want to change. I want to experience life and face problems head on and not hide under a cloud of fog. I think of the relationships that I have had in my life, and they were always with stoners. I have to think that smoking pot has caused me to be immature when it comes to choosing quality men. I found that a lot of the men I was with were very selfish. Now that’s not to say that all stoner men are this way. My father was a great man, but he did have a hot temper. He worked long hours painting. He was part of the painters union. He had crazy hours. He worked the nightshift and then they would switch him to a day shift. I understand why he smoked. It did make him more relaxed on his down time. In a way, I’ve taken over my parent’s life style, smoke a joint, kick back, and watch hours of television. I’ve actually wanted a partner that would do that with me, but now a days, people are on the move. It’s go, go, go time. That’s why I like my solitude here in the hills, I can relax and work on the yard and be at peace. But, I look back at my mom and dad, and I see how much they missed out in life. My poor mom was sick most of her life, and my dad took care of her. She was bed ridden for probably the last ten years of her life. She was heavy in weight. The poor girl had so many health issues throughout her life. My mom survived stage 4 uterine cancer. She eventually got MS. She had quadruple bypass surgery, and finally, breast cancer. I felt really bad for her and I admire that my dad never cheated on her, and they enjoyed one another’s company. I just wish things could have been different for them. I wish they could have enjoyed their retirement together. Maybe got out and traveled a bit. Hence, I find myself nesting like them, and I feel like I’ve become them. So, I am trying to change.
So, the last time I quit, I had no support system. I called my friend who had a medical marijuana card, and spent $400 dollars on pot. I just think that is so stupid. Then, eventually, as always, my friends who grow pot gave me a bunch. I have always had access to pot. I either grew it, had a boyfriend who dealt it, or someone just gave it to me. The pot I have now my friend gave to me. I think I’ve held onto it because I fear that I’ll cave and desperately need it again and don’t want to spend a ton of money on it. Right now, it’s a safety net. I just want to see how I handle school. I can’t explain what my job is like. I work with kids who are academically very far behind. It stresses me out. I do everything in my power to lift their grades up. I work in a poor community with immigrant children. They are great kids. They have so many challenges to have to deal with. The standards are being raised so high and keep changing. There is so much stress in school. I don’t want to break. I don’t think I will break this time. I just don’t know. I’m going to give it a few months, and then, I will throw it away. I just need it to be there. As I write this, it sounds foolish. I know. It’s just what it is.
Scott, I read that you are hitting a wall. I know that as we quit smoking that we are going to change as people. We have to. Pot is the crutch we use to pretend that everything is right in our world. I think that you should go to counseling with your wife. Sometimes it helps to have that third voice to help nurture a relationship. They can give advice on how to bring you both closer together. I hope that she is embracing your change. She might be a bit confused right now. I think she would prefer you to smoke to “mellow” you out. This is why she needs help too. She needs to understand why you are choosing this path. Please stick with it! I plan on going the distance. I feel that a lot of couples struggle with communication. You both have to learn to talk to one another. Relationships are never easy, and if you truly love her, you can work this out. Talk to one another. I’ve been single a long time, so I’m probably the worst one to give advice. I do know that sometimes in long relationships that people can fall out of love. You need to recapture that love. It can happen. It takes work, and it takes the desire to make it work.

As for the dreams, I think I’m the only stoner on this site that has always had dreams. Even in my stoner state, early in the morning before I would rise, I dreamed. My dreams that I have and have had are centered on school. When I do start to have bad dreams, I wake myself up. It’s just that they tend to carry with me. I need to listen to the message. I have a lot of soul searching to do. I completely understand this whole midlife crisis thing. There’s stuff that I’m conflicted about, but I know I’ll figure it out. The one important message that I learned from my parents is that I don’t want to miss out in life. The last year I spent with my dad I felt incredibly sorry for him. I saw how much he missed in life. Fortunately, I know he didn’t see it, but I did. It breaks my heart. As I continue to heal, I want to create new relationships with people. I’ll see where this leads me. All I know is that life is definitely a journey, and we don’t know where it will take us, but we are the decision makers. We decide how we will walk our path. I choose to do it with a focused lens. I know we will have bad days and good days. Go back and read your posts. You had one of them where you were so focused and strong. Be proud of yourself. I will try to be a little less hard on myself. It’s just an attribute that I need to shake. Life is good. Cheers!
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#48

Postby ScottMoore » Sun Aug 06, 2017 3:30 pm

Man you're full of surprises, I just misread you. I think your doing better than I gave you credit for. You've got a better handle on things right now than I do. I'm glad.

I feel a little better about my situation than I did a few hours ago. It helps to write things out. I never realized how much. Thanks and you might be right about counseling.

Gtg, got a full day ahead.

Thanks
Scott
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#49

Postby naturegirl » Sun Aug 06, 2017 6:21 pm

Scott, I feel like we trade places. One day I'm off mentally, and that day you're on target. We both have to realize that we are going to become different people and that we have to face reality our problems head on rather than hide in a haze. You've said things to me or written in your own post words that have helped me to stay on track. In a way, this is becoming my MA forum. It helps me to know that there are like minded people out there struggling. If we talk our thoughts out, we can help one another, and I feel it's important to keep it real. I hate fake people. LOL I'm glad you're hanging in there, and something you had said in the past is that it's all about our mindset. Let's stay focused on the now and live in the present moments. Big cheers, and I'm a hugger, so big hugs, Heather
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#50

Postby naturegirl » Tue Aug 08, 2017 11:34 pm

Tuesday, August 9 2017
Okay, it’s time that I check in plus I’m tired of painting my deck! Man, I’ve been thinking about my poor dad, and wondering how the hell he could have been a painter his entire life. I find painting incredibly monotonous and tedious. Of course, he used a good, old airless paint sprayer, which makes life a whole lot easier, but the thought of having to do this job everyday would be like ground hogs day over and over again. I would want to shoot myself. Another reason to admire him. Yet, spending time painting has been somewhat meditative and makes me think about life.
I realize that I need to get rid of my pot before school starts. I am aware that I am setting myself up for failure. I am becoming more and more committed to this process every day. It’s going to be hard staying sober and I know it’s only going to get tougher. I can’t keep my weed. Keeping it is setting myself up for that day of failure. I can’t do that. I have to change. I need to change. I want to change. I need to learn how to be a different person. I can’t use it as a crutch anymore. I can’t cave. I just can’t. I have a few people in mind that I’m going to give it to. I’m not going to just throw it away. I might as well treat someone to the pot. Just because I want to quit, the world doesn’t have to quit with me.
I’ve been looking at a few youtube videos, and I’m sadden to know that I have damaged my poor brain. I swear I can still feel the THC holding on to their receptor sites. I have to commit to this. I have to let my mind heal. Thirty plus years of smoking is ridiculous. I think what concerns me is interacting with people. I do feel a hidden anger inside of me that is difficult to control. I feel emotionally stunted sometimes. I am going to have to learn to control myself and not simply react. I need to weigh my words, and learn to sometimes keep silent. It is going to be a challenging year. What I have to get a grip on is my mental perception of each and every moment. For example, I’m dreading school because of a few of my coworkers. I have to change that mental perception. I have to get excited about the start of a new journey and know that each day should be cherished. I can do it, but it’s going to be hard. I’m feeling good, but I still get some days where I feel like I just want to cry all day. Like this deck job I started, it is starting to overwhelm me because it’s such a huge job. But, I have to look at what I’ve accomplished. I’ve painted two complete decks. I’m on the third deck, and I have two more to go. LOL It will get there.
I don’t know. School is creeping up, and I wanted to have this all done before it started, but it will be okay if that does not happen. I’m going out with a friend on Saturday night to hear some music. It will be good to get away from this. Life is good. It’s exciting that I’ve come this far even though it’s only a beginning. Cheers to all! And stay sober! It’s not a bad thing. Leave that poor brain alone.
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#51

Postby quietvoice » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:58 pm

naturegirl wrote: I'm a vegetarian and I think that I don't always get all my nutrients, and I know low b can make you depressed.

naturegirl, would you like to up your game? Check out on YouTube "robertmorsend", and also, John Rose.
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#52

Postby naturegirl » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:11 pm

Thank you quietvoice, I will take a look at their information.
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#53

Postby naturegirl » Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:40 pm

August 9, 2017
Hello World,
Well, I finally did it. I got rid of my pot. I knew this was something I needed to do if I was going to stay committed. If I’m going to take this process seriously, I shouldn’t have anything that would allow me to slip. It is amazing what a hard process this is. What I need to hold onto is the fact that change does not happen overnight. Becoming that better version of me is not going to happen in three weeks. I think that a lot of us are programmed to want instant gratification. We want that weight to come off our bodies right away, but we don’t want to watch what we eat or exercise, so we go to a doctor and have them liposuction it away. We want that good grade in a class, but we don’t want to do the work, so we pay for someone else to write our paper. We live in “a want it now” society. This isn’t a reality. Change takes work. It takes a lot of self-reflection. It takes patience. I constantly have to remind myself to be kind, to be patience that things will eventually get easier. That these cravings will eventually die away. It will take time.
I do like that I read on someone’s post that they saw small changes occurring with quitting pot. I feel this is something that I need to focus on to keep me going. I need to focus on the small accomplishments, and appreciate that I haven’t stopped the process. I want to make this a permanent aspect of my life. It’s not easy. I’m so programmed to live a certain way. I swear my brain is screaming for me to smoke. This is why I knew I had to get rid of the pot. It’s too easy to say f-it one day and go back to the habit. So, I’m proud of myself. I tell you that it was not easy.
I bought a fun little software program on Amazon called Brainiversity. It was only about twelve dollars, and I like it a lot. I have been exercising my body, but I need to also focus on exercising my mind. I need some activities that force me to think quickly and respond. Here’s a small change that I should appreciate about myself. I’m trying.
That’s it. That’s all I have to say. I appreciate people checking in and letting the world know that they’re sticking with this process. I also see that some people will start this process and quit. I know that I slipped at the beginning, but this forum helped me to get back on track. I have to give a huge thanks to Gitana for her words of encouragement and many more of you. I want people to know that it’s okay to slip. What is not okay is to give up! I hope all is well in the world. This is not an easy process. It’s not about the withdrawal. It’s about the psychological challenge. It’s about the learned behavior. It’s about finding the heart and willpower to stick with it! You can do it. We all need to change that inner voice in our mind. Focus on the process and the moment and have the strength to embrace a healthy and better version of yourself. Cheers to all!
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#54

Postby naturegirl » Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:48 pm

Hello Sober People,
I wanted to check in and let people know that life is good. I’m almost finished with another deck. Now, I need to complete a small one that has stairs that lead to the entry of my house. After that I need to paint a side deck, and then, start the whole process again with a second coat. Ugh! But that’s okay. It’s good to stay busy. I’ve been listening to podcasts or an audio book while I paint away.

I’ve also been doing exercises in the evening, trying to strengthen my core, buttock, and arms. Getting older, it’s important to increase your muscle mass. I’ve seen I’ve gotten pretty darn weak. I’m proud that I’ve been sticking with this all summer. I see small changes in my body, and I have to remind myself that it’s not going to happen overnight. All of the aches and pains I feel in my body is just a reminder that I’m getting older and that now is the time to quit smoking. I have lived way too many years in a haze. I’m absolutely sick of it.

I’ve been working on my memory. I’m trying to use that brain as much as possible. I think with each and every day that I’m starting to buy into this process. I think it’s ridiculous that I’ve been stuck on stupid for so long. I’m still trying to develop different life rituals to rid the desire to want to smoke. I’m starting to feel like this habit is a bit evil. It seems to possess your soul. I feel like I’m getting stronger. I’m going out with my good friend tonight and will listen to a band play. I’m debating if I will drink? I’m enjoying sobriety. I don’t usually like to drink. It’s never been my thing. Sometimes when you do drink, it makes you more vulnerable to make rash decisions. We will see.

That’s it. I’ll try to check in tomorrow. It’s good to write and get your thoughts down. Get it out of your head and move on with life. Cheers to all!
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#55

Postby ScottMoore » Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:16 am

naturegirl wrote: I’m starting to feel like this habit is a bit evil. It seems to possess your soul.





You just touched on the crux of the whole issue.
Since you mentioned that, I can explain but I would have to pm you. I'm just not sure if you want to hear it...

You see, I have an un-secret weapon. It gives me strength, .... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness. Among other things of course.

If you tell me you don't want to hear it I'll respect your wishes and never bring it up again if your wondering. I mean I would never try to push anything on anyone that doesn't want to hear it.
But, I can present things to you like no one has ever before I think.

Just bear in mind, I'm not trying to push you away or anything, I value your support. And others. Pushing you or anyone else away is the exact opposite of what I want. I need the support here as well..

SM
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#56

Postby naturegirl » Sun Aug 13, 2017 4:44 pm

Scott, you're always welcome to give me your thoughts. it's always a persons choice to agree or disagree. It's nice to have other perspectives. I know I say I'm sensitive, but I always love to hear both sides to an argument. We can't grow as people if we don't consider other people's thoughts.
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#57

Postby naturegirl » Sun Aug 13, 2017 6:05 pm

Good morning world,
Well, thought I’d jot downs some thoughts. I went out with a group of friends last night and two of them were my hardcore stoner friends. I talked with them about my struggles with quitting pot, and they both were humored by my choice to want to quit. Now, of course, bars are loud, and it’s hard to have a deep conversation when you’re shouting your thoughts. So, I didn’t truly get an opportunity to explain myself. One of my friends is understanding. She supports my quitting and respects my choice. She has explained to me that she smokes because of physical pain. She has chronic pain because of a neurological illness. I understand why she smokes. Matter of fact, I understand why all people smoke in general. This is the reason why I smoked for so many years. The people that I’ve had in my life have influenced my actions.
So there I am in a bar reflecting to why I’m wanting to quit. It is all kind of silly. I mean drinking, listening to music, and smoking are the perfect cocktail. Matter of fact, it’s the perfect disaster zone for a person trying to stop pot smoking.
Anyway, it was an opportunity for me to think about and explain why I am making this choice. I told them that I want to feel what it’s like to not smoke for a long period of time. I want to know what it’s like to have my brain unclouded. I wanted to strengthen my memory, and become a better teacher. Also, I want to learn how to create new relationships with people who have different lifestyles. Man, this is a whole different topic for another day.
Now, that I write this, I’m thinking to myself, “There you go again, Heather. Trying to seek people’s approval.”
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. I’m doing this for me. One thing that I’ve realized about myself is that I constantly seek people’s approval. I’m like the perfect example of a Sally Field giving her acceptance speech to a crowd of fellow artists. It’s kind of pathetic. I know that there’s a little girl inside of me that is a bit broken. Growing up, I never loved myself, and not to put my parents down, they didn’t necessarily nurture my self- esteem. I believe that parents play a huge role on what their children become. How they talk to them or the actions that they do towards them impact how they respond to their world. I know that my father was not loved by his dad. My grandfather was abusive towards him. My mother pretty much ran away from her mom because her mom was cruel. In my twenties, I lashed out at my mother with anger towards my childhood. She was hurt and confused by my words. There was a short period of time that I distanced myself from them and simply lived my life. I eventually came to terms with them and know that my parents loved me, and they did the best that they could do with their own life experiences. Yet, this is not to say that I don’t sometimes feel that hurt little girl. I am not sure what to do about this. I think this is why I like writing because it makes me question myself and identity.
As I write the reasons to why I stopped smoking and how I justify it to people, I realize that it’s not important to care how other people think or feel. The stoner crowd is a tough group. I understand their perspective because smoking weed is a sub-culture. For years, people have been forced to smoke behind closed doors because it has been illegal in our society. Slowly, it is becoming more accepted. Therefore, more and more people are coming out and letting the world know that weed is a wonder drug for them. What concerns me is shaping a society that is mindlessly tuning out their world. This is a sensitive topic and people have their own opinions. It is not my role to convince people to live a different life. I don’t like when people force their own values or beliefs onto me. That’s the point of living in a free society. We should live in a country where we can choose our own path in life. For now, I choose the path of not smoking, and I respect others who don’t.
Just one last comment, I don’t want anyone to read too deeply into what I say. It’s hard to get your voice down on paper. I sometimes see that people misinterpret my thoughts. To describe myself, I’m a laid back, loner, some-what philosophical, chilled, nature loving, self-proclaimed environmentalist. I say that I’m sensitive, but I’m also a tough woman. I’ve gone through a lot of sh** in life. I try not to be judgmental. I wasn’t raised a religious girl, but I definitely feel spirituality. I love diversity, and I dislike how our country is changing. I believe people should be free to say what’s on their mind as long as it doesn’t hurt others. Our experiences shape how we think or feel and we all have lived different lives. I believe it’s important to have an open-mind and to understand history and the past. This site has given me a place to open up and share what’s on my mind. I want people to feel free to share their thoughts with me. I might not agree or I might agree and that’s the whole point of communication. We do not grow as a society if we don’t learn how to speak to one another. Sometimes, I see people bully another simply because they do not share the same perspective. This shows a lack of education and empathy. We will continue to divide ourselves as a county if we do not learn how to openly share conflicting ideas. It’s all about how we decide to share our words. This is the beauty of writing because it slows you down and makes you think about your ideas and how they might influence other people.
Okay, I’m babbling. So, I hope people are well. And I appreciate the support that I’ve received from this site. It’s fun to meet people from different countries, and states. I see a commonality between us all which is a wonderful thing. And I do want people to always feel free to share what’s on their mind because it might impact someone else and change their life or way of thinking. I’ve read many people’s post and I so appreciate having a glimpse into their mind and knowing their struggles because a lot of their struggles are my struggles. It’s so important that people continue to share their experiences. It’s also okay to fail and share those experiences as well. We are not perfect people, and we do not live in a perfect world. There is nothing wrong with failing. You just need to pick yourself up and try again. Cheers, Heather
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#58

Postby ScottMoore » Mon Aug 14, 2017 2:56 pm

I'm sorry
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#59

Postby naturegirl » Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:20 pm

Scott, you have no reason to apologize to me. I love your thoughts, and I love how your mind operates. You are a wise soul and there is nothing that you could say that would hurt my feelings. I hate that this habit is so ingrained into my soul. There are those days that I want to give up and just go back to the old me. But, I feel a need to live a life that is not dependent on some substance to make me feel better. It's so hard. I'm going to assume that you feel and understand the struggle as well. I see we are both coming upon our 1 month anniversary! I'm proud of myself, but I'm disappointed that I'm still going through a mental battle. I know I have to give it at least a year, and see how I feel. I do want to let my head heal and continue to do some soul searching. I sometimes wish I didn't think so much, and I just lived. Yet, it's part of my personality, and I'm going to try to love all parts of me. Sucks that it is so hard. It should not be hard loving yourself, but it is. I think my smoking pot has always been a way to ignore my emotions. It is what it is. I need to break this grip over me. All l I can do is take it one day at a time. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I really appreciate when people check in and say what's on their mind or just talk. I need to hear those thoughts. I need to know that I'm not the only insane person struggling. LOL Don't read too deep into this. I'm find. I just hate that I think about smoking on a daily basis. Those thoughts wander into my mind, and I have to take control and replace them with new thoughts. I'm on such a roller coaster ride. One day I feel strong, and the next day, I feel weak. It is a good thing that I don't have it around me. It makes it so much easier to stay in control. Anyway, I do like the sober me, and I'm going to try to be kind to that girl. Hope you are well. And again, I always love hearing from you. You are my buddy, and I can relate to you. Big hugs, Heather
naturegirl
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