Day 4 Weed free and struggling

Postby naturegirl » Sun Jul 09, 2017 6:16 pm

Hello Internet world,

I just wanted to jot down some thoughts and see if anyone can relate. I am a chronic stoner. I've lived in a mental fog my entire life. Considering I'm almost fifty, I've been smoking everyday for about 30 years. I can't believe it. It is kind of sad. I have a lot of fellow friends who smoke, and I have friends who don't. It is difficult to talk to my stoner friends about this issue, and it is hard to talk to my sober friends because I don't feel they can relate. Therefore, I'm talking to this computer. Honestly, I'm more of a night time stoner. I like to watch television and zone out. I teach, so it can be tough. I feel that pot has always been my stress reliever. I don't smoke during the day because I like to have my mind intact. I smoke at night because it shuts the thoughts out. I've explained this to many friends who encourage me to keep smoking and tell me that it is okay. But you know what, I don't feel it is okay. I don't like how my brain feels. I don't like that I can't remember things. I'm a teacher! I'm supposed to be a role model. Now, look, I'm okay with people who do smoke. I have friends that do not experience the same brain fog that I do. They are super smart. On the other hand, that's not me. I feel like it takes me so long to recall information that it bothers me. I like knowing things. I like being able to think. I want to live a life that isn't dependent on a drug to get through. I like that I'm a pretty healthy person. I would like myself even better if I could deal with life head on and not need a substance to get through. I've dealt with a lot through my forties both of my parents died. I spent a year with my father who had brain cancer. It was tough, and I felt so sad for him. Both of my parents were in their sixties when they passed away. I don't want to get to the age of retirement and die early because of my lifestyle. Anyway, I just wanted to get some thoughts out of my head and see if there's anyone else out there struggling. If you are, stick with it. I've quit before only to go back. I'm going to live life day by day and do what I feel is right or best for me. I'm studying a foreign language and trying to exercise. It's hard to replace those old habits. I struggle the most at night. Hopefully, my sleep patterns will come back to normal. This is what I need to figure out. I need to learn how to shut those thoughts out so I can sleep. I love feeling rested. I do feel a bit angry right now or moody. I hope this will go away as well. I feel pot addiction is not necessarily a physical addiction but more of a mental F$%k. Hopefully, with time, I can replace it with something else. I'm not quite sure what that is but I'll figure it out. Thank goodness I have my furry friends and nature to escape. Well, anyway, I hope you have a great day and thanks for reading my words. Cheers! And send me your thoughts.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Sun Jul 09, 2017 6:48 pm

Hi there... try not to be too down on yourself and the situation. I was a similar smoker to you but I'd smoke all day long and in to the night if or when I could. You need to embrace the chance to change your lifestyle and look for the positives it will bring.... in time.
I think you're right that it's a psychological battle but many feel it's physical. I got nothing other than a week of night sweats. There is no magic way but if you choose not to smoke it means you get power over your actions. Cravings don't make you score or smoke. Giving in to them does. Get lots of early night's. Read in bed where you didn't smoke because you have to break habits. I found doing this helped me sleep. Plan how to fill your nights with non smokers and beware those who toke as you'll be surprised how they'll envy you and maybe try to get you back as this normalises their smoking. Psychologically you'll battle yourself because your primative brain will feel threatened and try to convince you to smoke as a reward for not doing so for a while. It'll tell you it's okay, everyone does it or just cut down etc etc... you make those choices nobody else. You can do it, anyone can but you need to want to more than to keep smoking... good luck. It's so much better not having that anxiety of needing it, finding ways to smoke when you're out etc and when you're running low.
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#2

Postby naturegirl » Sun Jul 09, 2017 7:06 pm

Thanks tokeless! I appreciate the thoughtful words. What I dread is the long haul. I quit last year for about 3 months and then I just talked myself right back into it. Therefore, I do need to take it day by day. What is hard is that I have pot right now. A lot of it. I haven't thrown it away because in my mind, I want to be able to quit and have it around me. Perhaps I'm self sabotaging myself. I feel guilty about getting rid of it because it is so darn expensive. Yet, to be honest, I didn't even buy it. My friend gave it to me. You have to love your stoner friends. LOL I'm still reflecting to why I'm quitting. I'm on summer vacation, which is usually my time of self reflection. I told my friend who is a fellow stoner that there are two me's. There is day time me who does not smoke and gets angry at night time me who doesn't think it is a big deal. I have smoked everyday my entire life. I do occasionally smoke during the day but it makes me paranoid. I guess the whole reason why I am quitting is I'm tired of my paranoia and how I isolate myself from people. I didn't mean to make light of the physical side effects. My major issue is the chronic insomnia. This is another reason why I smoke. I am trying to replace old habits with mental habits like crossword puzzles and movies. What I do appreciate is not eating out the refrigerator. I'm fighting being pre-diabetic and I know that night time eating is the worst thing to do. Therefore, I am proud that I am not mindlessly eating. As well, I'm tired, but I'm dealing with that. Again, I appreciate the words, and I love that I have a place to dump out my thoughts and to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Honestly, this is going to be a struggle. I just need to reason out why I truly want to quit. I want to become a better version of myself and getting rid of this habit is part of the new me. Cheers.
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#3

Postby ScottMoore » Sun Jul 09, 2017 9:14 pm

Hi, naturegirl,
I'm new as well 37 years in a fog as well. I won't go there yet as I just found this site and still reading.
I wish you well and would suggest reading deep into theses posts. I'm sure knowing, but not necessarily expecting what your facing is a big part of success. In other words I want the knowledge but we're all different and I don't want to set my mind up for something I might not experience, but if I do I want to understand so I can overcome.

I've given myself a week then I'm done. Been working up to this and studying for a while now. I've gathered all my smoking utensils to be disposed of. Starting tomorrow I'll smoke only outside, no more making or smoking hash oil. My lab is packed up ready to be disposed of. I'm going all in as I have no choice. I'll explain in my post when I get ready.

Not my business but if you are gonna do it ditch the weed. Maybe you don't need to we're all different, but if it was me I'd build a nice little nature fire and burn it. That's what I plan to do this coming weekend. Kind of a symbolic fu to the thief that stole my life.


Again, I wish you the best and would really like to know how your doing. I noticed there's not a lot of people with 30+ on here. Please keep posting.

Hang tuff
SM
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#4

Postby naturegirl » Mon Jul 10, 2017 12:51 am

Hey, thanks Scott,
You know I think we're from a generation and culture that embraced smoking pot as a life style. Again, I'm not against it. I know medically that it can do a lot of good. I think what frustrates me is when I'm in meetings, and I want to recall a name and for the life of me it won't come. I want to take care of my brain. Watching both of my parents die so young, I don't want to get to the point of retirement and not have a functional mind. I don't know. This is a constant battle in my head. The night time girl really enjoys tuning out. But, I'm starting to feel like that is a sad way to live. Life has so much to offer, and it seems the more I smoke the more I want to hide from it. I think that I sometimes avoid certain situations because I lack confidence which I feel comes from my smoking habit. I've been doing a bit of research as well, and I read a list of 70 reasons to quit. I was reading people's comments and I could totally relate to what people were saying. Then, there were a few posts from the same fellows who were discouraging people to quit. This kind of angered me. To each is their own. I think if someone gets it in their mind that they want to change that people should support their decision and not get their feathers ruffled. Yes, I have to give some deep thinking about my stash. I think the stoner girl still isn't ready for the funeral. LOL I really appreciated finding this site today because I don't want to be discouraged by others. I want to find like minded people and talk it through. So, hey, let's stay connected. I'm here to support anyone's decision. I like writing out my thoughts. I think it is important to reflect. I think another physical withdrawal symptom is feeling super emotional. I watched a movie today and I was so captured by the characters and I started to cry. Hence, I think I'm a bit of a basket case, but I'm holding it together. Tomorrow will be day 5 and I know with time it will get tougher. I've done this before. I just need to figure out how to make it permanent. And it is nice to talk to someone that has a little age and experience. Kind of hard to believe that a habit like this could stick around for 30 + years. Yikes!
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#5

Postby Gitana » Mon Jul 10, 2017 8:03 am

Welcome to the forum NatureGirl! Thank you for sharing your situation and experience, reading your circumstances was quite mind-opening. We re from the same generation, so i can relate on many of your views. To me it seems to me like you have all the good reasons to make this move.

I too have been around the green stuff for over 30 years, and brain fog is no joke. Also living permanently without accessible memory gets old. Yet i couldnt find a real motivation to stop the pattern (like you, night smoker only). To me the trigger has been the crazy political shift around the world (i live in the USA..) - i realized that i was now living in a far-right country, that this was the reflect of a real shift in a big part of the western world s mind, and that there was no way i could keep on living in a fog while this was happening. More than ever I needed my memory back. I need to be able to access my brain, to remember, to think, to make decisions with all the datas, not just vague blurry feelings. So that was the last drop to tip the bucket ;) It has been almost 5 months of quite a roller-coaster ride, and i m not there yet, but i am finally starting to reap some benefit. I can remember things, my mood is pretty stable these days, i sleep naturally, i m more relaxed overall. Not sure how this will unfold, but as of now, i feel like i have a better grip on life, and that alone is really comforting.
My condolences for your parents - they were so young, i am quite shocked actually.. Mine are both still here (on another continent though), and this reminds me how grateful i should feel; this Spring they started to have health issues (this is the first time, they are both 75) - so i had to spend a lot of time over the phone with them in the past 2 months - having a clear mind was really appreciated. Timing is divine..

Bear with my long stories (i could speak FOREVER when high, and this didnt go haha..) - i just wanted to say hi, welcome, hold on, keep on reporting, you re not alone, we re not alone. And yes, this community helps. Like you, my last attempt was not the first one, but that s the first that lasted for so long, and coincidentally that was the first while reporting on this forum! Stay strong!
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#6

Postby naturegirl » Mon Jul 10, 2017 3:15 pm

Gitana,
Thank you for the reply. I woke up this morning, and I feel pretty disappointed with myself. I smoked. It is such a bummer. I actually was coaxed by someone to do it, and I have mixed feelings. I don't date much, but I met a nice fellow at a 4th of July party. I was actually having a political conversation with a gal and he had joined into the conversation. To make a long story short, he had asked the friend I was talking with for my phone number. So, we met for the first time and went out and drank a few margaritas. I talked about my life and sure enough he smokes pot. I had told him I was on day 4 of quitting and he replied, "Can I corrupt you?"
I know that alcohol and a good time loosened me up and next thing I know I smoked a bit. Honestly, I think I did it because I wanted to sleep hard, which I did. So, I'm starting over. You know this is a long, long habit and a life style. I'm going to tell him to not encourage me to smoke. I think going out on a date made me nervous and I don't know. I lost being true to myself. Again, I think that fellow stoners make such light of this argument. I received a million compliments from him on how I was a smart person and other flattery. It's okay. It's baby steps. I'll keep stopping until I can make it stick. It is so hard that I seem to be drawn to stoners. Here in California is such a common place thing to do. Anyway, I agree with you on the political aspect of things. I do believe we need to keep our eyes wide open and look at the changes that are taking place here. I am disturbed by the pure hatred that people suddenly are willing to convey openly. I work with students who are predominantly second language learners, and I am saddened that people have so much anger towards their culture. Their families are some of the best people I know. And on a final note, keep close to your family. They are a precious gift. I was grateful that I was able to be with my dad as he fought brain cancer. It made me think of how precious time is and how we need to make the most of it. I have a lot of soul searching to do, and the date I had last night put my head in a whole different space. I realize that I have completely shut my heart off to men. I think that it slowly happened. Now, I wonder if I'm capable of opening it back up and if I even want to. So, I'm here to confess my mistake. And thank you for the greeting. I am liking a place to share my thoughts. There's so much to figure out. Sucks!
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#7

Postby Gitana » Mon Jul 10, 2017 6:04 pm

Things happen NatureGirl, no big. It had been very important to me to feel like in a steady place before i could really stick to quitting, which is a mental process before anything. When i was feeling ok about the idea that i was done with the fog and wanted to improve, all the rest lined up. Like you i had just gotten some when i made the decision - but that was helping in the sense that i never felt "stable" whenever i was about to run off - not smoking while being able to in case, that was the stable ground i needed to be relaxed about it.
After that, i too had a date who told me "would you make an exception for me? it s my birthday!" - to whom i explain that i wasnt quite where i wanted to be, so no. And i didnt. I hear you, lots of stoners around haha..
Dont beat yourself up over this, we make better decision when at peace no?
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#8

Postby naturegirl » Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:13 am

Gitna, I appreciate the support. I'm typing on a horrible device so I will keep this brief. I'm taking baby steps. My heart wants to continue and my brain wanIts a break from it all. Ill write more tomorrow. I just wanted to say thanks!
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#9

Postby naturegirl » Tue Jul 11, 2017 11:01 pm

Well, I just wrote a short post and I see that it didn't save. That is a bummer. Thereforel, I'm going to summarize my thoughts. I know that quitting a long habit is going to take work and I might fail here and there, but that's okay. I think as long as I strive to become a better person that is all that matters. I notice online that there are a lot of depressed people who are missing the good in life. Suddenly, I realize that I have so much to be grateful for and I might not be a perfect person but I have a good heart and that's a blessing. I'm going to continue to focus on positive changes and if I fail, I'm not going to put myself down. Baby steps! Yet, I think it is essential to focus on what you like about yourself and quit focusing on your faults. Change takes time. I think I might start a new post on the importance of finding inner happiness, and the battle against the dark. Although life is a challenge, we have to find the good in it and quit focusing on the bad. This is way too easy to focus on all the negativity in life. Get out and breathe the fresh air. Give a stranger a compliment. Let's spread some sunshine and be grateful for the small things in life.
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#10

Postby Gitana » Wed Jul 12, 2017 5:42 am

Indeed NatureGirl, inner happiness is the bottomline - and feeling grateful for what we have, that is solid ground to improve upon. The way i reset my mind was no different: i listed everything that i was really happy with in my life (that was quite a list!) and followed with what i was not so happy with (that one was shorter actually) - that gave me clear indication of what i had to improve (as if i didnt already know haha..). From there i realize how much was more or less direct consequence of pot. Now i had a clear culprit. Then i made the decision to stop being a slave from weed - not quitting per se. My secret dream would be to become like those friends who can smoke at a party or occasionally, and that s it. Like many, i had tried and failed more than once, so i knew better. But to get there, i first had to break the pattern, reboot my mind/body, and then would i be able to start clean. So that s where i am at at the moment, cleansing, relearning to live without addiction (i also cut sugar) - and i actually enjoy it! I dont have the desire anymore, so it s easy. Yet if i ever get back (never say never), that d be with no-name-low-grade stuff, that is for sure.

To each its own, find the way that works best for you - who knows, maybe you can switch directly to "weekender" mode and be fine (that wouldnt work for most of us here though, we had to go cold turkey..) - but i agree with you, life is about enjoying it!
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#11

Postby naturegirl » Wed Jul 12, 2017 4:41 pm

Gitana, you so get me right now. I think making a list is a good idea. I will sit down and do this. I also went to the doctor and got a physical, did my blood work, and I've been exercising. I've started taking a b-vitamin complex. I'm a vegetarian and I think that I don't always get all my nutrients, and I know low b can make you depressed.

I read a post where a chef had told himself that he would smoke on a certain day. Well, time went by and when that day would come, he decided he just didn't need it. I would love to be the once every two months social smoker. But, I just need to get the time in and break the habit. I need to gather up my pot and give it to someone or throw it away. It seems like such a waste, and I fear the one day when I'm super stressed out and want that brain fog, that I'll regret not having it. I see through my writing that I still haven't fully committed myself. There's a part of me that wants to quit and then there's a part of me that doesn't. As for now, I do eat healthy and shoot looking at my blood results, I see that I am very healthy. Therefore, I know that I am a lucky girl and should be happy with myself. I hope life is going well for you today, and I appreciate the advice. It's nice to talk to a like minded soul. I know I'll get there. I just need to get the time.
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#12

Postby Gitana » Wed Jul 12, 2017 11:01 pm

Very glad to hear about exercise, vitamins and healthy blood result lucky naturegirl! You re definitely starting on some solid place!

To me, eating healthily is a major act of self-respect - wasnt it our mother s first concern after all (in our first years at least..)?
And maintaining that functional body we re been born in (lucky us!) is another one.
From there, it s only natural to want to address the rest (brain, spirit, soul, all those things) i think.

I wish the B vitamins are doing you some good if you re suspecting depressed feelings (they didnt prevent my mood to reach some unfunny lows as i was (poorly) reporting here at the time).

Life has been good, thank you (actually, i became a citizen this morning, one less thing to worry about when passing the border, never a good idea to be a foreigner in a far-right country..) Funny i did a blood test too before my quitting: it too showed excellent result - doc actually said i had the numbers of a 20-something and the blood-pressure of a teenager (not sure it s such a good news but well). I hadnt seen any doctor in over 15 years, so that made me feel good (i havent eaten meat in 2-3 decades either) , and i wanted to fix the last remaining dark spots in my life even more. Thus this forum ;)

Initially i kept my stash for 2 months, in case - before happily giving it away to friends in need - as i never got tempted once. You said it right on, timing is everything, find your own tempo, no need to rush it
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#13

Postby naturegirl » Thu Jul 13, 2017 4:22 pm

Gitana, I swear you are like a lost sister. I'm very happy for you to get your citizenship. I'm so disappointed with the direction our country is going right now. I am a teacher and a majority of my students are second language learners. They work very hard in my classroom, and they have big goals in life. I have had students approach me and ask questions about some of the laws that have been created in our country. I feel some of our citizens isolate themselves too much. If they were to get to know some of our immigrant families, I feel their tune would change. It's shameful how the pure hatred and racist's attitudes are being put on display. I know you had mentioned in a previous post how it was important to have a clear mind so that you could stay politically aware. I agree with you. It's essential that we stay informed.

I think I feel pretty relaxed right now because I am not teaching. When I am in school, I put a lot of time and effort into what I do. I worry about some of my students because they live such troubled lives. There's immense amount of pressure on students to succeed, and the standards are extremely high. I struggle to get my students to read, but ultimately, it is up to them to hear the message. This is a major reason why I feel guilty about smoking. I want to be a positive role model to myself and my students. I know it must be hard to live the life of an immigrant, and I am sorry for the hateful world we are living in. But I do know that there are good people in our world and eventually, attitudes will change again. Time will tell. Keep your head up and your spirits lifted. You sound like you have a good heart. It's hard when we are sensitive people born into such a cruel world. I would hope we would become more enlightened as citizens and learn to embrace our differences. It starts with education. I am appreciating this forum because it is nice to read people's thoughts. It shows we are all human and that we all struggle. Living is not always an easy thing to do. I am again grateful that I have so much. It is important to count our blessing.
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#14

Postby Gitana » Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:02 am

You totally get it NatureGirl - thanks for your good words and concerns :)
i m good and out of any potential trouble now, time to turn to others.

Indeed people are simply people, all over the planet, they think with what they ve been experimenting - and low exposure to differences likely create low acceptation for the unknown. That is just the way beings are - animals are no differents - so thank YOU for that beautiful mission of yours! I understand your job is all but easy, and i hope you enjoy your deserved rest - Education is key as we know, and you are part of the solution.

If this guilt you mention helps you in your quitting, then that could be a good thing, one more motivation in your new chapter! :)
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