Day 4 Weed free and struggling

#30

Postby naturegirl » Tue Jul 25, 2017 1:48 am

Okay, it's the end of day 8 and I once again I want to say thanks to my fellow friends. It was an eventful day. I had to call AAA and have my car towed to a local shop. I managed to step on a huge dog turd while directing the AAA guy who was trying to turn around on my dead end street, which leads to a huge canyon. I was about to snap and then I caught myself mentally and had to laugh. I had a good conversation with the tow truck driver, who was young and reeked of alcohol. Oh the days of being in my 20's. I then spent most of the day at the mechanic shop waiting for them to fix my car. I had some delightful conversations with a few strangers and by the time I got home, I started to feel pretty darn good.

I know that as I move forward that I need to change my mindset. Thank you ScottMoore! You reminded me to catch myself and quit with the crappy negative thinking. I think being in a negative state of mind is a comfortable place and easy to fall into. What I enjoyed about today was to listen to good people share their life experiences. You know sometimes we are so inundated with so much negative information on either the Internet or television that we miss the good in our world. As well, I know that there are some who are truly struggling and my issues are just small potatoes. I need to focus on all the blessing that I have. No matter how small they are and to know that I'm okay, and getting better everyday.

StubItOut, it's okay that you smoked. I know I might reach that final breaking point and cave, but I'm not there right now. I want to stay true to my heart, and you are right, if it were to happen, I'll just jump back into trying to quit. This is a long life time habit and it's going to take a long time to change. I know that even some of these posts might start to sound old like the proverbially broken records, but I like having this source to think about my feelings. I do want you to be careful. You know what will work for you. I just know that I quit for about 3 months last year and then finally, threw in the towel on a whim. There's going to be a lot of moments where I'm going to want to crack. And yes, all of us on here! If we make a mistake, let's be here for one another. No person is perfect and that's okay. We need to give ourselves permission to fail. What is important is that we dust ourselves off and get back up and try again.

I think what I want to start focusing in on is why I want this change so much. It's deep in my heart. I do feel there's person who is trying to get out, but there's stoner girl who wants to push them away. I don't know. It's hard to explain. Anyway, you guys all rock!

Cherrybomb, I'm sorry that you are struggling. When I said I feel like I have an itchy brain, I mean it's like I have so much THC built up along my neurons that I just want to scratch them out. I'm not having quite the struggles that you are. It is okay to talk to a doctor and get some help. There might be something psychologically going on that some medication might help. Definitely, it is not fun to become sober and have so many physical angst. My heart goes out to you!

Well, people, life is okay and it looks like day 8 is done. Soldier on my friends!
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#31

Postby naturegirl » Wed Jul 26, 2017 3:52 pm

Okay it's day 10! I'm on count down to 2 weeks. So, I just woke up, and I feel good. I'm still sleeping crappy, but I think part of that is just getting older. I know that I'm not as busy as I normally am. Once the school year starts, I know I'll have those days that as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll be out. At this moment, I'm trying to get used to living life and building a routine where I stay sober all day. It's a boring life, and that's okay. I think I smoked because I've always been that rebellious teenager that did what everyone else didn't do. I've never striven to be the good girl in life, but I want to get to know her. Sometimes I look at people, and I wonder what it is like to always be sober. Now, I'm living that life, and it's all right. I hate to say it I still struggle at night because of the habit. I want to light that joint and watch television and just melt into bed. What I have to focus on is the after effect! When I did smoke, if someone called me, I wouldn't pick up the phone because I don't like interacting with sober people when I'm stoned. Now, I have stoner friends that have no problem with that, but not me. My heart would start racing and paranoia and guilt would overwhelm me, and I would want the phone to go away. I realize that I have been hiding from the world. I'm still doing it, but I don't feel as bad when I know it is my choice. I will be happy when I get 6 weeks in and know that I could pass a drug test. There are so many reasons to why I stopped smoking and I have to focus on that. I can't focus on why I enjoyed smoking pot because I'll trick myself into going back. Once you've been sober for a while, I think it's easy to make an excuse to want to smoke again. I know though that if I do smoke that I'll quit everything altogether. I've done it. It's tough. Anyway, it's nice waking up this morning and knowing that I did it. Each and every day is still tough. It's going to take time. I hope all of my sober friends out there are doing well and hanging in there. We've got this. Let's focus on what is working right now and be proud of ourselves. Whether it's just a day or years, we should be glad that we are actively embracing change. We can do this.
So, for now, I'm going to continue to think about why I'm doing this and get to know sober girl. Keep on writing and telling your stories. They help people, and I'll do the same. Hopefully, our words will continue to be an inspiration and keep people going.
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#32

Postby ScottMoore » Wed Jul 26, 2017 6:35 pm

Hi Naturegirl,
I get a since that you are doing better. You're posts are more and more positive and I can tell you're dealing with it a little differently today. This is great girl. Be proud. Be positive. You got this. I'm even more sure/proud for you now.
It could be you set yourself back a little when you cheated earlier on.. Don't fret it man, just try to recognize. We learn from mistakes or choose to ignore them.
Until we actually climb a mountain we're not sure we can do it even though we've seen others shimmy right on up there. Be confident.

You seem like one sharp individual and are well read. Keep on dissecting this mess, push forward..

Go out and reward yourself maybe, how much cash have you saved the last two weeks.. :D
Carry on soldier.. Your not alone

Scott
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#33

Postby naturegirl » Wed Jul 26, 2017 11:58 pm

Thanks Scott,
You know I am feeling better. I mean there's those moments that I want to cave in, but it is getting easier. I went to my exercise class today, and that really helps. Nothing better than sweating hard and building muscles. I think now I want to focus a bit on my weight. I feel a little heavy. No, I feel a lot heavy. LOL In my class we had to lift our bodies off the ground over and over again and I felt like a heavy bag of potatoes. So, maybe those late night munchies have not helped. Don't get me wrong, I am a beautiful, healthy gal. I just want to feel better about myself. Now, that I am getting this smoking thing under control, I might start focusing on getting strong and getting lighter. Why not?

I'm glad that you are reading into my positive energy. I really was cracking last week. It's funny how much you can mentally change in just a few days. I am taking a few supplements and I always try to eat healthy. I think this lends well to my transformation. I appreciate the compliments. I can get down on myself at times and I think that's a learned behavior. Why is it that we are our own worst enemy?

So, I hope you are doing well. I love that you are spending time with your family. I think the best thing you can do for your kids and wife is to quit smoking weed and become more present in their lives. You know time goes so fast and before you know it your kids are going to be grown up. Cherish this time! Create some memories. Because when we reach the end of life, all we will have are those memories to take with us and to leave behind.

Scott, life is good. I am a lucky girl. I look around me and I see so many people who are suffering. We can't let the small stuff hold us back. I say charge. Live life to the fullest. Live it eyes wide open and sober. Thanks for checking in with me. There's a small group of you that I've grown to care about. I love knowing that we are making it through this journey sober. It's not easy. One day at a time!
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#34

Postby ScottMoore » Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:00 am

Lol, girl my kids are well int their 20's now. I am so blessed that they came out so well. They are drug free decent young people and I couldn't be more proud of them.

I was truly my worst enemy for many years. Still trying not to be sometimes but I have to catch myself. Old habits die hard for real.

Ya know, I've never felt for my stoner friends like I do now since I'm going through this. Everything is in a different light now.

Good advice, I'll have to try and support instead of coming down on them. It would be real easy to do I guess and I'm no better than anyone else.

Good stuff, thanks Naturegirl..

Oh, I love my plants and stuff as well, love to garden too. I end up giving away most of my produce anyway. It's always made me feel good. There really is something about it I can't explain..

Scott
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#35

Postby naturegirl » Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:36 pm

Scott, I keep forgetting that we're old timers. LOL Of course, I don't feel it. Well, maybe my body does, but not my spirit.

As for plants, the soil here is horrible. I'm surrounded by redwood trees, which provide a lot of shade or filtered sunlight. I'm having to grow everything in pots and it is hard to find plants that will survive. I live in California where we've been fighting droughts. Fortunately, last year it finally had a good rainy season. I was so relieved. I felt like our state was dying. So, I like to get out and find some plants that will help the environment. I am a bit of a hippy girl. I worry about our bees and butterflies. Yet!!!!! I've struggled to keep some of these new plants alive. I don't get full sun. It's a bit frustrating. I was having a conversation with a milk weed plant and telling him I was quite angry that he was dying on me. He's not listening. You know something that I have learned about plants is that you can't overly nurture them. Some of them need to struggle a bit or be left alone. There's a message there that can be transferred to life. Nature is always the best teacher. I feel humans are out of touch with her and are not heeding her warnings. Our poor planet is a mess. I'm trying to do my small part to make it a bit easier for other life to survive. I feel it would be such a boring planet if it only had humans living on it.

Therefore, I've decided to keep the yard clean which seems like a never ending job and good exercise and stay away from planting! I am a spoiled girl. My parents have blessed me with a wonderful home and environment. I definitely am feeling a bit zen. Thanks for the feed back Scott. I always love reading what's on people's mind, especially your mind. Have a beautiful day and hope the sun is shining down on your soul. Cheers Heather!
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#36

Postby ScottMoore » Thu Jul 27, 2017 9:02 pm

naturegirl wrote:You know something that I have learned about plants is that you can't overly nurture them. Some of them need to struggle a bit or be left alone. There's a message there that can be transferred to life !



Ya know that reminds me of something I read about a year ago, I'll try to see if I can get it right..

There was a man studying the effects of the human body due to weightlessness in space. As he watched the astronauts getting off their craft he observed the weakness they had despite how much they exercised. As he was dwelling on this he started to apply it to his own life, then to other aspects of life and determined there was always a struggle no matter what. The effects of gravity are always with us and even though we struggle against it in return it keeps us strong. If we want to be stronger we lift weights etc. realizing this he applied it to the psychological. If we want to be smarter we hit the books to make our minds struggle, in return we get wiser. In relationships we might be tempted by other sexes to cheat but we resist, making our relationships stronger. I forget the other details but he just kept on applying this to other things in life... Long story short, and what I actually got out of it was the simple simple fact that almost all resistance makes us stronger. I've dwelled on this lil' bit of information quite a lot actually and man am I really trying to apply it these days. I wanna smoke bad today(more so today than the the others ) but I know if I do it will set me back, weaken me etc.

The Borg had it wrong, resistance ISNT futile...lol.


I live in northeastern Louisiana, the Mississippi delta. You could grow a dead stick if you planted it. On the downside it's hot.. I mean hot. It's 97 degrees with a dew point of 76. So, I'm taking full advantage and getting out with the kids putting a shingle roof on a local church here. Talk about sweat, I've been through 3 cases of bottle water in about 4 or so days. I love my water though, it's about all I drink anyway unless it's juice or the like. Not a health nut it's just what I've always done. I was born here but this isn't where I wanna be. Arkansas, especially northwest AR is where I wanna be. Lived there for 15 years and boy do I miss it. Raised both my youngans there. Excellent fishing and hunting and I miss my fresh fish and wild game. (Not a trophy or sport hunter, I only kill what I eat and I do it humanely as possible). The biggest reason is the beauty of the land, rivers and streams. Many times I would go and hunt and never load my gun or bow, just be there. Being on the water was the most peaceful, grab my canoe and just go. Catch a few trout or smallmouth, make camp and fry em up right there. Of course I was stoned as hell and always thought that made it better. I can't wait to clear my mind and experience it for what it really is...without fog.

One day soon,
Scott
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#37

Postby naturegirl » Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:21 pm

Scott,
I love this post. Yes, life sometimes seems to be one constant struggle after another, but I think of it as the butterfly effect. We can't transform ourselves unless we struggle. I've had a lot of things thrown at me in life. Sometimes I wonder why. Yet, I know it's the struggle that changes us into that better person. Or it's the struggle that is trying to teach you something. It's up to us to listen, to dig deep, and figure out what that message might be. I think I've always smoked because I want to drown out those feelings and just enjoy that haze. But! If I keep living in a fog, I will never hear the message. I wasn't raised a religious girl. My mom was raised to be a Mormon, and my dad was raised Catholic. They both had difficult home lives and ran a way and eventually found one another. They struggled. They didn't have a lot of money, but they had love for one another. My dad told me, "Daughter, when you get older, you can search out and choose your own religion."
I guess as I've grown that my religion has become the heart beat of the Earth. I do believe in God. I believe that he whispers things in our ears and he tries to guide us down a certain path. I feel I've resisted his guidance. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life especially when it comes to men. Now, I've reached a point where I've found peace in my heart. I love my solitude. I love being here away from the world and watching the birds and working on the yard. Recently, I was talking to a friend who traveled back from Italy, and I told her that international travel doesn't interest me. I would love to go back east or south. You live in such a beautiful area with so much interesting history. Yet, I know that humidity can be a killer.
When I was in my 30's I lived in Chico, which is further north, and a lot of my friends were hunters. And as a kid, my family always had a mini farm. My dad would raise rabbits and a pig. I actually know how to butcher a rabbit. I respect hunters they help to keep a certain population of animals down like deer. I just hate trophy hunters. Our ecosystems are out of balance and I don't want certain species of animals to disappear. We have to keep the food web aligned. One thing that has made me happy is getting in my car and driving across a few states and seeing vast territories of undeveloped land. California is crowded and it worries me. Anyway, my point is that I can imagine those moments out in the quiet. I know that hunters like to get up in the early morning and sit and be at peace. Yes, it will be better to experience it with a clear mind.

You know we are both going to have those down days. I have started to recognize and see that a lot of people who smoke have good hearts. We smoke because the layers of crap make us want to escape. I guess I want to try to learn how to not have to zone out and feel that haze. It's tough. It's a comfortable feeling. It's an old friend. It's an familiarity. It's what I've done sense I was a teenager. I know my emotions go up and down like a yo yo. I just need to learn to breathe and maybe cry hard and let it all go. So much has happened in life. Watching my poor dad die of brain cancer was the saddest thing ever. He missed so much in life. I don't want to smoke and forget my life. I worry about my memory sometimes. I think about how much I forget. I figure I've gone almost my whole life being stoned, but I wasn't stoned as a little kid. I'm trying to live like that innocent child. Wake up day to day and face it. Now, look, if we break one day, it's okay. This is a hard habit to quit. Just dust yourself off and start again, but if you hold on, think of how good you will feel about yourself when you are having a good day. I'm glad you're getting out and sweating. I especially love that you are helping your church. That makes your heart feel good to be part of your community and to give back.

Finally, I love that you are a Star Trek fan. The borg was one of the best story lines. I remember watching that series with a group of my surfer friends. We would buy a pizza, smoke out, and be blown away. Good times: )

You can do it. Thursday was an exciting day for me. I actually went and bought a car yesterday. It was such a big decision for me. I've been dealing with my Jetta breaking down all of the time. I finally decided that I wanted a safe commuting car. I have a horrible freeway that I have to travel and there's not much of a shoulder. My engine light came on last Friday at night, and fortunately, I didn't break down. I was tossing and turning to whether I should take the plunge and spend the money. So, I finally did it. I bought a Toyota RAV4. It's not the sexiest car, but it's reliable. It's perfect for doing a mountain commute. Scott you seem like such a cool guy. Thanks for telling me about your life. I can feel that heat and humidity and envision those trees, grasslands, and just pure beauty. I hope you are well. I hope you have a better day. Just remember to take deep breaths and go for a walk. Do you have a dog? I have two old timers that love their morning walk. Keep reflecting. Keep writing. And breathe and stay connected with God. He's got your back. I like that poem "Footprints" I like the idea that sometimes he has to hold you up in life. You'll be okay. Your pal, Heather
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#38

Postby naturegirl » Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:22 pm

Saturday, July 29, 2017
Okay, I’m rewriting this post because somehow I hit a button and lost it all. How frustrating is that! But, I want to get these thoughts out of my head and share with the world my struggles. I just finished going on a walk with my dog, and I did a bit of soul searching. I was reflecting on some words that a friend said to me yesterday that seem to be echoing in my mind.
So, yesterday, I had a friend call me. He wanted to congratulate me in regards to buying a new car. I briefly shared my experience with the whole negotiation process and then I excitingly told him that I was 12 days free from smoking. Without hesitation, he replied, “You won’t quit!” and then began to nervously laugh in good humor.
Now, some background information about this friend. He is a hardcore recovering addict. He is also a childhood friend and a short time ex-boyfriend. We broke up when I was about 19 and went our separate ways in life. He eventually became a drug dealer and spent a majority of his life in jail. He finally decided to do a complete 360. He joined NA, became sober, and even sponsor’s people. Therefore, he was the last person that I thought would say that to me. He really annoyed me. Now, to be honest, I know this person likes me more than I like him in an intimate sort of way. I just want to be his friend, and he treats me like a friend. He occasionally goes out with me and my girl pals to listen to music. I admire that he doesn’t drink. He recently quit smoking cigarettes and is an amazing person. His words really hurt me.
I have read a great book called, The Four Agreements. It is a short read, and it is based upon four guiding principles. The first principle is about the power of our words. Sometimes we say things to people and the words just flow out of our mouth with no thought. These words land on people, and they can greatly alter their perception of themselves. This leads to the second idea that we allow people to have power over us. We can’t take what people say about us to heart. We are in control of how we let those words influence our thinking. Next, the idea is about how we assume what other people think about us. We have these conversations in our head and argue about what people think or feel about us without really knowing. Finally, the last idea is that we should always do our best in life no matter what the job is.
Okay, so, my friend’s words hit me hard, and I guess he got me feeling self-doubt. Maybe he is right? Maybe I can’t quit? Maybe I will fail? Maybe I don’t have a problem? I don’t know. I do know that I shouldn’t let these words influence me. I do know that I’m trying to change. I do know that I’m a bit scared about going back to school and getting stressed and wanting to self-medicate. I don’t know. I really don’t know what is going to happen down the road. I do know that this addiction is a psychological addiction with me right now. I still have problems with not sleeping well, but it’s getting better. I do still feel the THC seeping out of my brain. It is hard to not give people’s words power. It is hard not to believe what they say.
I do know I have been around pot my entire life. I have grown up with it. I remember being about 8 years old and an adult was having a birthday. They passed around the birthday joint and we all smoked even me. I come from a period of time where pot was just a normal way of being. I never talked about it with other kids. I knew that this was a forbidden topic. It just was, what it was. As I have grown, many people in my life have always encouraged me to smoke. I am highly emotional, and I do know that pot changes my thought process. I have smoked to mellow out. This has always been the way that I have learned to deal with stress. Smoke a joint and tune out the world. I have justified smoking pot as being a sort of depression medication, my personal medication. Therefore, I worry about the future. I worry about not knowing how to deal with my emotions without having to self-medicate. All I can do is my best and try to morph into a different me. I’m going to continue to take it day by day and see where it leads me. I do know that I have a lot of deep soul searching to do and I have things that I need to get out of my head. It’s important to learn how to deal with life without having to use a substance. I know that I like to place a giant blanket over the issues of life and try to make them go away. It is much more difficult to face the world sober. Hence, why so many people drink so much in the world. Anyway, that’s it for now. I’m going to continue to take it day by day, and spend a bit more time solo. This is what I need right now. I’m talking on this forum because I feel there are like minded souls who can relate to my struggle. I know that maybe my pot smoking isn’t a big deal, but I do know that I am struggling to quit. It’s hard. It’s a lifestyle. We shall see. You never know where or what will happen in the future. Today, I choose to stay sober. Peace to all
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#39

Postby naturegirl » Sun Jul 30, 2017 4:53 pm

Sunday, July 30, 2017
Well, hello world,
I guess I’m starting to use this site as a bit of a journal. I hope my sober friends out there are sticking with it. Man, I have to say I had such a good, hard sleep. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. I like those sleeps. I feel like they help to heal my brain. I also had a good Saturday, and I wish to tell you about it.
So, first off, I realized something about life. I have a plant that was dying on me. It is a milk weed plant. I thought I was watering it too much. I was getting mad at this plant. I couldn’t understand why it was dying on me. Its inability to thrive made me feel like a failure. Then I concluded that I was overly nurturing it, and so I decided to ignore it for a while. Plus, I couldn’t stand how it looked.
Then one day, I walked by this sad looking plant, and looked more carefully at it. I noticed that its root ball was super dry. I had thought I was watering it enough, but in actuality, I wasn’t taking care of it enough. I soaked it in water. I soaked it in water again. Yesterday, I saw the branches lifted up high, and I saw that it was beginning to heal. It’s kind of like me. I finally decided to take a deeper look inside of myself. I always thought I was taking care of me. That’s probably true, I eat well. I try to exercise, but I was only taking care of me at a surface level. I wasn’t getting deep into the roots and nurturing the heart and head. Now, that I’ve quit smoking pot, I have time to care for the inner girl. You can eat the best food in the world, run, exercise, but you can’t forget about the inner person. I think as we pile on life experiences that we tend to ignore how our heart feels. I feel that smoking pot is a way to smother that inner voice. It’s so essential to allow that voice to speak.
Another thing I observed… I’ve been waiting for a fellow to come over and repair a few broken boards on my deck. I bought the wood, and it has been sitting there for a few weeks. It was a simple job. Yesterday, I finally decided to do it myself. I used a crow bar and pulled out the boards. I got a skill saw and cut the new boards. I got a hammer and hammered in those nails. And you know what, I did it! Of course, it’s not a perfect job, but it something I did on my own. As a female, I feel like we depend on men to help us way too much. I hate feeling like that helpless damsel in distress. I hate having to depend on other people. When I finished this simple job, I felt so good about myself. I thought about my dad because we had laid a few of those boards together. When I worked with my dad, it was the first time that I actually hammered a nail all the way into a board. I never thought I had the strength to be able to do it. Yet, it took trying to figure it out. Likewise, I didn’t think I could repair the deck, but it took trying to figure it out.
I guess my point is that sometimes we don’t think we have the strength to do things in life, so we avoid life. Instead of thinking you can’t do something, it’s important to change that mindset and think you can do it. As I continue to be sober girl, I am going to continue to try to challenge myself. I’m also going to embrace failure. It’s okay to make mistakes in life. It’s through those mistakes that we learn. However, we have to allow that inner voice to speak; we can’t cloud it out with a substance; otherwise, we can’t grow. We can’t learn, and we can’t thrive like my beautiful milk weed plant. Cheers to all!
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#40

Postby StubItOut » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:25 pm

Hey nature girl.

Just stopping by quickly to say I'm still following your thread.

Keep it up dude you're awesome. I really enjoy reading your thoughts.

You've been super supportive to others on here as well. You're a diamond.

All the best
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#41

Postby StubItOut » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:27 pm

Oh and don't worry too much about what u you're friend said about you not quitting. It's a knee jerk reaction is all. I don't know him but I'm sure it wasnt personal. If people have known you to always smoke weed then it's natural they can't imagine you without it. But that doesn't mean they're right!
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#42

Postby naturegirl » Wed Aug 02, 2017 1:54 am

August 1, 2017
Okay StubItOut,
You motivated me to write something. LOL I wasn’t sure if anyone was reading my babble. It’s nice to know that maybe a few of my thoughts might help another person out. I do know that I read what people write, and I see common struggles, and common themes. Quitting this stuff is not easy. It’s good to have a support group to help, and this place has definitely become my place to sort things out. I have a few thoughts on my mind that I wanted to get out, so here it goes.
Yesterday, I went to the Raider’s training camp. I am a season ticket holder, and I enjoy spending time with my brother. We are ten months apart in age, and I love him so much. We have gone through a lot together, and he is definitely my best friend. I don’t get to see him a lot, so our football activities are a time we can get together and share what’s going on in our lives. I told him that I have gone two weeks without smoking, and I felt pretty good. Yet, I explained that I felt like I had THC brain. Honestly, I feel like my brain has been one big sponge of THC. I looked up some information on the Internet to learn what pot does to your brain. There’s so much conflicting information out there. The pro marijuana people argue how it helps your brain, and the researchers argue against their opinions. Personally, I feel pot can help those who are truly sick. I am a huge advocate for medicinal pot. Yet, if you’re born with a healthy brain, and you have no serious medical conditions, I don’t feel like smoking pot is the best thing for you. I do think it stunts your mental growth. That’s just my opinion.
Anyway, I feel like my poor brain has been beat up. Sometimes, it is difficult for me to make quick decisions and good lord, my memory is so bad. I actually probably would still be smoking if I didn’t have such poor recall skills. Now, I’ve noticed that this is not the same for everyone. I have some stoner friends that have fantastic recall. I’m so jealous because to be real, I miss it. I miss smoking pot a lot. It’s like a bad break up, but you’re the one who wanted to stay together. I long for that stoned out haze. Yet, I worry about my brain. I want to protect it, and keep it healthy. I’m going to be 49 in September. Seeing both my parents die in their sixties, I want to age and be healthy. I want to continue to enjoy the later years of life. I know that this habit could have some serious negative consequences, so I’m going to keep on trucking and do my best to stay clean.
So, we are driving home from Napa, and I missed one of the exits. My brother teased me and said that I really did have a stoner brain. We both laughed. I have to say that quitting pot is a slow healing process. It’s not like you quit one day, and you’re fixed the next. I see that this is going to take time. Online, it said that it would take about six months before you start to gain cognitive strength. This leads me to my next topic, patience.
I had mentioned that I had done a little deck repair, and how good I felt. Well, I went to Home Depot and bought more wood and five gallons of deck paint. I started to paint a part of the deck, and I began to realize that I have started a huge project (by the way, I pressure washed it on Sunday). The paint is very thick, and it’s difficult to get in between the boards to make it look nice. It’s also difficult to paint a deck when you have two dogs. I put one of my dogs inside the house to keep him away from me. He’s one of those furry friends who has to stick their nose into everything you’re doing. As I put him inside, he started to bark over and over again. I moved him to another part of the house, so I could tune him out. My apologies to my neighbors. I continued to paint in the incredible, hot weather, and I started to rush my job. This is where I caught myself, and knew it was time to call it a day. This leads me to understanding that a big job is not going to be finished in one day, and that’s okay. It’s best not to rush things. If you rush your work, you will be disappointed in the long run. It’s kind of like quitting pot. You can’t think that you’re going to wake up and suddenly be transformed into this high functioning normal person. It doesn’t work that way. It’s going to take time, patience, and whole hell of a lot of will power. So, I will sojourn onward and know that each and every day, I’m getting a little stronger. I yearn for the day that I don’t have the urge to want to smoke in the evening. I’m not sure if that day will ever come? For now, I’m going to focus on the positive in life and pat myself on the back for having the strength to say no. It’s not easy. I see here on this forum people who want to quit, start to quit, and then fall back into old behaviors. As far as I’m concerned, I think it’s okay to fail. It is just so important to dust yourself off and try, try, try again. Thank you StubItOut for the nudge. It’s good to reflect and write and get these thoughts out of the head. I hope all is well today! Stay strong and be proud.
naturegirl
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#43

Postby naturegirl » Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:14 pm

August 2, 2017
I’m noticing that we live in a country whose citizens like to bully one another. Instead of appreciating differences of opinions, we have like to belittle and attack one another to prove how we think or feel and to prove that our stance is the most right. I don’t know if this is something that is being taught or modeled by parents? I like to read the opinion section after an article, and I’m starting to think I need to stop doing this. Some things that people say are so mean and spiteful. It’s like they are excited to have their moment in the spot light and they want to shine hate and disrespect for other people. I found this forum because I wanted to find like-minded people who understood the struggles of quitting pot. I sometimes refer to this as quitting smoking. I know that when I first wanted to quit. I searched the internet trying to find people who quit and wanted to know how they felt. I often ran into people making derogatory comments towards others. They seemed so offended by the idea that someone would no longer want to smoke pot. Then, they would go off on their high and mighty tantrum to why their opinion was correct and how everyone else were fools. This just angers me. If someone wants to change and do something different, it doesn’t mean they are wrong. If you don’t agree with their decision, you are absolutely allowed to support your view point. But, if you deliberately go to a site that is created for people to get help and you go on a triad about how those people are fools, then you need to check yourself. I don’t need someone to tell me that my thinking is wrong because I choose to quit smoking pot. Hell, I have a lot of experience with this topic. I think I have repeated myself time and time again that I don’t care if someone wants to keep smoking weed. I understand why they might feel that there’s nothing wrong with their lifestyle. I’m quitting because I am thinking about the future me. I am quitting because I want to feel healthier. I want to quit because I know weed effects my mind in a way that I am not comfortable with anymore. I certainly hope that people can respect my decision. And if I decide to make a comment on someone’s forum to support their choosing this path, I don’t want to be put down or judged by others who disagree. Jesus, if you don’t have anything nice to say, then keep it to yourself. Mind your words. Think about what you say and how it might affect the other person. Feel comfortable that other people might not agree with your position. Anyway, I woke up this morning and read a rude comment by someone who doesn’t know me. I know that my nickname on this site might seem a bit fluffy or I don’t know? I do care about this planet, and I hate the mindset of a lot people in this world. I appreciate being able to have my opinion, and I don’t appreciate being belittled. What I am trying to say is that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to quit pot and to think that it’s not addictive is simply absurd. All right, I’m moving on. I just wanted to vent a bit. Leave people alone if they want to quit and don’t go on a high and mighty rant about why marijuana is such a wonderful thing. Being free of any substance is pretty awesome as well. Respect it!
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#44

Postby naturegirl » Sat Aug 05, 2017 2:34 pm

Saturday, August 5, 2017
Hello World,
I thought I’d check in and let people know how I’m doing. I woke up pretty early this morning around 5. I had a bad dream about school. I’m a good teacher. I know these continuous dreams reflect insecurity. I hate it. Waking up early and getting up, I started to think about going back to school. I normally wake up at 5 and get to school around 6:30 to be ready for the day. One thing I’ve come to realize that when I’m not fully rested, I get emotional and feel insecure. I need to figure this out. I’ve been feeling good about not smoking, and I know it’s been easy because I have the luxury to sleep until 7 and feel rested.
I’ve been continuing to work on my deck. I replaced several more boards yesterday, and they look good. I had a heck of a time with driving the nails into the wood. I know most carpenters use screws. My dad used nails. I have two more boards to replace and a section of a wall that needs to be replaced with a big sheet of wood. I quit my exercise class on Thursday because I decided I need the time to work on these projects, and they are physical jobs. While working, I have had a lot of time to think about my behavior through the years. I certainly have conditioned myself to be a chronic stoner. I realize that it is absolutely a mindset. I’m trying to change my way of thinking about my relationship with pot. I wish I could say that I didn’t miss it, but I do. Yet, I do feel like I’m getting stronger. Reading people’s posts helps me to stay strong. I see a continuing pattern of people saying that they want their mind back. I see people saying that they don’t like how pot makes them feel. I especially love the success stories of people making a long term commitment to quitting. I know the more time that I invest into this process the easier it will become. I just need to give it time to break the habit, to break the grip it has over me. Yesterday, I felt empowered. I felt like I was morphing into a better version of myself. Yet, waking up today and feeling that fatigue has me concerned. But once again, I will repeat to myself that I have to take it day by day. I am still ashamed to say that I haven’t thrown away my stash. I have at least a couple ounces of pot. I’m not strong enough to just flush it all down the toilet or have a ceremonial burn. I need school to start, and see what it is like for me. I pray that I don’t need it as a form of medication. I don’t know. My heart still isn’t truly committed, and I feel a bit ashamed to say that. But I’m trying. Right now, I am strong, and I am determined. Tomorrow will represent three weeks of staying sober. I’ve searched online to find information on how long it takes for THC to get out of your body. I know it’s still in me. I want it out. I’m still so fresh in this whole process. It will happen. I am starting to get mad at it. I hate that it has controlled so much of my life. I hate how isolated it has made me. I know that part of my personality craves solitude, but pot makes me want to hide from the world.
Once again, I have to say that I am grateful for this forum. I appreciate people who are so supportive of one another. You people are like a small virtual family. It’s hard to talk to other people about this struggle. It sure is a struggle. I do see some of you flowering into a better version of yourselves, and I feel the same is happening to me. August 17 will be 30 days. I can’t wait for next summer to write that I made it a year, and that I survived a school year. If I can do that, I know that I will forever be free. Hope all is well for everyone. Cheers, Heather
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