Day 4 Weed free and struggling

#60

Postby StubItOut » Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:33 pm

Hey nature girl. I haven't read all of your post yet hut I got to the part about wishing you didn't think so much and just lived. That's exactly how I feel too.

I look around and everybody else seems to be content, just getting on with life. While I stand by, locked in thought, over analysing everything.

This is half the struggle I have with weed. I see others smoking it, just accepting it as part of their life but I have this constant battle with myself about it. It feels unfair almost.

Well done on almost making it a month, that's awesome. Keep it up.
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#61

Postby naturegirl » Mon Aug 14, 2017 5:03 pm

StubItOut,
It made my morning to see you post something. You've been on my mind. At least we are trying to change and listening to that inner voice. We may fail every once in a while but that's okay. Just keep it real. I think it's important to stay in touch with your thoughts; otherwise, we will never grow as people. Keep on keeping and stay strong and be proud of all the small steps that you are taking. This is not an easy process at all, especially, when it has become part of you life.
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#62

Postby ScottMoore » Mon Aug 14, 2017 6:51 pm

Hey, I don't plan on smoking again. That wasn't what I meant. It could be that it's a life or death thing.. Look what it did to my BP. I admit I've had trouble with it for years but it was starting to regulate somewhat. I don't know if the pot, or emotional part set it off so much, I just know I can't smoke anymore. Now I'm so utterly depressed I can't even go to work.
My Mom literally passed in the blink of an eye. I doubt I go that easy.

Screw this mess. I truly hate what I've done to myself over these many years. Get better or not. I'll deal with it from now till I die and that is the way it is.
Yes, I'll get better, get my spark back etc. but I'll damn well fight for every bit of it from now on. And that is exactly what I deserve from the decisions I've made in my past. This is the reaping of my seeds I've planted all my life. So be it. I accept it. Deserve it.

Onward I go

Day 1... Again. What a setback

I wish my wife knew me at all. That's a whole other set of seeds though.. Oh well.
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#63

Postby naturegirl » Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:36 pm

Scott,
I'm glad that you are hanging in there. I've been thinking about you all day. I need to have that fellow comrade to fight this battle with me. I hate that I constantly think about pot. It's hard to explain to anyone. It is probably hard for your wife to understand too. It's no fun trying to explain the emotional roller coaster that quitting puts you through. Honestly, even in my small little world, I don't have that go to buddy that can relate to my woes. My friends that don't smoke think it's great that I'm not smoking, but I don't think they understand how hard it is to quit. My friends that do smoke want me to explain why I don't just smoke again if it's hard for me to quit. They think I'm nuts. It's such a yo yo situation. LOL

When I first quit early in July, all it took was one outing, a few drinks, and a fellow smoker to coax me into smoking. This is what makes it so darn hard. I know that they sometimes tell you that you have to cut off ties with people that have an addiction, but I love my stoner friends. I love them for them not because they smoke. I feel people who smoke pot are the easiest for me to relate. Yet, when it comes to quitting, they usually are the ones who don't understand why you don't want to play any more. Therefore, when I know I'm going to be around them, my guard is up pretty high. It's all about self control and will power, which is not always easy to have!

I know when I quit for three months a few years ago that I didn't have this site to go to. Knowing you and a few others makes me feel accountable for my actions, and I need that. And hey, any time you need to talk whether privately or here, shoot me a line. I'm hear for you. I was worried that you were being way too hard on yourself. I do know that when I did smoke last time that I was pretty pissed off at the person who talked me into it and at myself. But, it's a learning experience as well. I hope you have a good day, and it's okay to start back at day 1. You're still on the same journey just taking a different crossroad. It's all good.
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#64

Postby sunshine24 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 9:20 am

Hello naturegirl
Yeah, I understand what you are saying, about the friends part. I myself mostly have trouble with just that.
I can't seem to say no to everyone, I can to the people I see on a daily basis, I can explain, but then I meet someone unexpected, or someone who I haven't seen for a long time calls me, and I'm not sure why its just harder to say no, or explain my situation. Although, maybe 1 person in the world only knows I really have a problem with weed, rest think everything is as usual.
As I have tried to quit couple of times before, every time this social aspect was my downfall. By myself I am okay, and I can be strong, but I somehow justify smoking with that long term friend just that time, and after it creates a big problem for me. :)
Guessing we need to work on that, what I can say is to some people, that 1 time is nothing, they do it every day, or couple of times a week, but to us who have a problem, even that 1 time opens a path that can only lead one way, and going that way after a month, or two of abstinence is just not worth it, because every time we fail a quit, we just get weaker, we gain nothing from it...
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#65

Postby naturegirl » Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:09 pm

Sunshine24, I know what you mean. I swear I'd be a complete hermit if I didn't allow a little drinking in my life, but it's a fine line to walk. I want to have fun with my buddies, but when I drink a bit, that wild and crazy girl comes out. The idea of saying no becomes very difficult. Fortunately, I try not to drink too often and when I do go out, I try to keep a low profile. And when it comes to seeing people from the past, that's a tough one. It's hard not to want to just go down memory lane, and party like a rock star. And I also agree that when you slip that one time, it's hard to get back on track. That's why I'm grateful for this site because I like being held accountable. I hate letting people down.
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#66

Postby naturegirl » Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:27 am

Okay, I thought I'd check in and reflect a little about this week. Let's start with Monday. I had a training at our district that was voluntary. It was based on our new language arts curriculum that we adopted last year and I loathe. I thought my partner teacher would be there so I woke up at 6 in the morning to get ready. Right away, I was a bit bummed because I felt like hell. I was thinking that since I've quit pot that I should be full of zest. Well, that wasn't happening. I drove the 35 plus miles there and walked into the room and saw that everyone had their district laptop. I also saw that someone signed and then signed out. The woman that ran the training said I could go borrow a laptop. I stood there and reflected for a moment. I thought to myself, "You know what, I don't want to be here."
I turned around walked out to the parking lot and drove home and started painting the railing on some stairs. I really!!!!!!! want to get this paint job done. And I don't!!!!!!!!!! Feel like I'm going to do it before school starts. Ugh!!!!!
So then, Tuesday, I painted some more and started to think about a school leadership meeting that was voluntary and I signed up for on Wednesday. I took my dogs for a walk and started to think about school and I started to feel a bit angry and overwhelmed. There has been so much change at my school, and I am someone who hates change. We've gone through 4 principals since I've worked there. We've changed from a k-5 and now are going to be a k-8. We've changed the math curriculum. We've changed the language arts curriculum. We now changed the state science test with no curriculum to support it. We've added new teachers. We've changed the population size. I such a bummer of a year with students last year that I think my cup has filled over.
On top of this, I've been borderline diabetic. I've been measuring my sugar level each morning: 149, 157, 167. I woke up this morning and I felt cranky, tired, and I irritated. I decided that part of this might have to do with high blood sugar. I swear I get up at least a million times all night long having to go pee, which leads to crappy sleepy. So, I emailed my doctor and asked if I could try metformin to help lower my sugar. I hope this helps.
To make a long story short, you would think that I would be feeling super excited for a new school year, but to be honest, I'm scared stiff. I know it will be good to get busy and to have the distraction. But to be truthful, I miss pot. Now, it is getting easier. I know that I just need to get more time invested. I know that I have some demons that I'm going to have to deal with. One I do like is that I'm trying to do things to relieve the stress. Instead of quitting on this paint job, I'm making it a priority and putting other things on hold. I'm glad I walked away from the training. I'm glad I missed the leadership meeting. I'm glad that I'm prioritize things that I want to accomplish. I know that it's only going to get harder. I remember when I got to three months and it was kind of easy to quit the whole process. I'm not going to do that this time. I do worry about going out with my friends. I have to be very alert and aware of my actions. I think it is way too easy to say f-it. But if I do, I'm not going to stress. This is going to be a battle. Cheers to my struggling friends out there. Know that you are not alone. Know that we are all having a hard time. And, feel free to just fake it. Fake like every thing is rosy. That's what I plan to do for a while.
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#67

Postby naturegirl » Thu Aug 17, 2017 1:43 am

Ignore the crappy grammar. LOL
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#68

Postby naturegirl » Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:26 am

I watched a movie tonight called Collateral Beauty, and I had a good cry at the end of it. It got me thinking about life and change. It got me thinking about how I don’t like change, but I like butterflies. I started to think to myself that I can’t become that butterfly if I don’t embrace change in my life. That movie hit me hard. It’s difficult to think about the characters time, love, and death. I’ve experienced so much of it, and like the characters in the movie, I’m a bit angry at the three.
It does seem that I let time slip through my fingers and that I’m not always appreciative of it. This realization is so painful. We are on this planet for a blink of an eye. I try to cherish each and every day and make the most of it, but there are those days that I wonder. I have to be honest that I’ve had that moment where I didn’t want to be here anymore. It was after a painful break up and I just felt so much pain in my heart that I wanted it to go away. I felt that death would be the best solution to not having to feel emotions. I’m glad that I never made that choice because I would have missed being able to change young people’s lives.
Love is such a tough one. Love and death. I’ve always acquainted the two together. Sometimes I would avoid breaking up in a relationship because I knew that once we did that it was like death. I would never see that person again, and that thought always seemed so painful to me. My heart has been broken so many times that I have learned to live life alone. I protect my heart from people like a soldier protecting the realm. I would rather live alone than to be with someone who doesn’t make me happy, which leads me back to the concept of time and death.
I’ve been watching my two dogs and seeing the white in my black labs face, Sadie. She has been such a huge part of my life. I remember the day when I woke up hung over in Chico. I walked to the tiny community store across the street and was told by the owner that my neighbor, a Sierra Nevada beer truck driver, rescued a little black lab puppy. He had brought the dog home while he finished his route. I went to the kennel and looked inside and saw these beautiful dark eyes with a ringlet of white beneath them. It was love at first sight. I opened up the cage, and cradled her in my arms and knew that God had given me a precious gift. We have spent so many years together hiking a thousand miles. I think about not walking this path in life together and think about the small amount of time we have left together and I know that it is the right thing to get sober. I’ve been feeling pretty darn emotional this week. I’ve been trying to embrace a new life and be a new Heather. I know it’s the right thing to do, but there’s a silent death that I feel on top of it. Perhaps, it’s a break up. It’s the love I had for weed. I found out that he is no longer a friend to me and that it’s time for us to part. But like I say, I don’t do well in break ups. I don’t. Yet, then again, I will never transform into that better version of me. And whatever time that I have left on this planet, isn’t it better to live it sober than to be in a foggy haze? So, for now, I will feel my emotions and continue to cry and release and to let it go. Hopefully, one day, I will wake up and no longer ache. That is the beauty of time. It does allow us to heal. We just have to believe one day that we will get there. As for death and love, I feel that I need to not think so much about the two. Love is a beautiful thing but fleeting, and death is someone we can never escape. Enjoy the time we have here on our planet, and make the most of it. Feel life and don’t be afraid to morph into a better version of yourself. No matter how painful it might be at the moment.
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#69

Postby naturegirl » Sun Aug 20, 2017 4:15 pm

Alrighty now, I’ve been impressed that I have not smoked. I went to a birthday party last night and people were smoking a joint. I was offered a hit, and I smiled and said, “Hey, I’m a month in with no smoking. No thanks. I tell you it’s been a hard one.”
My friend looked at me and said, “Then, why did you quit?”
And I explained myself and he said, “Hey man. I hear you. I’ve quit for five years once. I never buy it, and I only smoke when I’m at a party or social outing.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had people tell me that they’ve thought about quitting, or that they’ve quit before, or that they don’t smoke that much. It’s not an uncommon story. My friend said that he knows what I mean about wanting to shut that brain off. I swear that pot relaxes me like no other medication could ever do. I would love to be able to smoke only on occasion, but I know that it doesn’t work with me. I’m either all in or all out. There’s no in between. I told him that I wanted to go at least a year and see how I feel and see if I like myself better. I want to know what it’s like to be a sober person and not have to be living in a fog. He smiled and said, “I totally get you. Do what feels right.”
So, I am feeling better. I think my hormones were a little out of whack last week. Oh, the struggles of being a woman. If I could get my blood sugar levels in control, I would be feeling great. This is actually frustrating me. I need to figure out my diet and eating habits. I tend to eat a light breakfast. Then not eat all day and have a carb loaded dinner. I realize that this is not good. And it sucks, because besides loving pot, I love my bread. The thought of having to give up bread or potatoes or all the fun things in life makes me even sadder. LOL Of course, it’s all good. Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s time to take a closer examination at myself and dig deeper.
I am still not sleeping well. I know this has to do with many variables: high blood sugar, age, hormones, food. Etc. This whole aging thing kind of sucks. At least, I’m learning to like and accept myself. I talked to a few women last night and we were discussing how hard we are on ourselves and how the media makes it more difficult. I had said, “At what point, am I going to like my body and like myself? Wouldn’t it be horrible to go your whole like always picking on yourself?”
All of my women friends were in agreement. Women are too hard on themselves. We are our own worst critic. I think at some point you have to accept yourself. I think you should always set goals and try to improve what you don’t like, but you also have to learn how to look in that mirror and be grateful that you have a healthy body and work on having a healthy mind as well. Okay, that’s it for now. I just like checking in and letting people know that I’m hanging in there. I hope you are as well. Or if you smoke, I hope that you just refocus and try to stay sober. Honestly, there are worse drugs out there. Personally, I don’t think an occasional smoke is that bad of a thing. I’m just staying sober because I’ve been doing it for so long that I forget who that person was before I smoked. It’s a tough one to figure out. So, I sojourn. School is getting close. I have mandatory training tomorrow. A mandatory meeting at school on Tuesday, and hopefully, I can get into my classroom and get it organized and ready. School starts August 28th. It will be a good thing to get busy and meet a new group of young minds. Cheers to all! Hope life is good for you. Don’t get down. Embrace the ride. Buckle up it’s going to be a bit bumpy. LOL
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#70

Postby Levant » Mon Aug 21, 2017 1:10 am

Wow. my stoner soul mate. I have smoked weed on consistent now for like 5 years, I know that's a drop in the bucket compared to the years you've put in but I've been feeling like you described in your original post. the only exception is that I do get the munchies and eat out of the refrigerator. I'm diabetic and that is a bad thing for me. However I definitely feel your pain and wish could offer you some good advice to help with your struggles, just know that you're not alone. Keep your head up and fight the good fight
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#71

Postby peabody1180@gmail.com » Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:15 am

WAY TO GO!!! 4 days weed free!!!!!!
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#72

Postby naturegirl » Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:46 am

Levant,
I know what you mean about eating out of that refrigerator. Since I love to smoke in the evening, my favorite thing in the world was getting the munchies and mindlessly eating. I have to say that since I'm weed free that I have so much more self control. I was pleased to see my sugar level was 101 this morning. I almost fainted in disbelief. I realize that I have to not go all day without eating. I do like to eat that evening big meal, but that's just not okay. Kind of sucks. LOL Hang in there my friend. I think it's important to put our health first and eat like food is medicine for the body.

Peabody, 4 days weed free! That is super awesome!!!! It makes me so happy to hear that other people are trying to go sober and face life head on and not in some foggy haze. Keep it up my friend. I think that's what is so special about this forum is that we can all cheer one another on. Whether we succeed or fail, it's nice to know that someone cares and that they understand the struggle!
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#73

Postby Gitana » Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:18 am

NatureGirl, reading you makes me think that you are so over it already - very impressive!

It seems you mastered the quit and the munchies, that s no small feat. I hear you about that aging thing, it gets old, right? I chose to fix all at once (pot, tobacco, munchies, chocolate, sugar, night owl hours (whilei had previously (like 15-20 years ago) stopped caffeine, tea-ine, alcohol, meat, processed food, refined grain, etc.) - my point being: it s easier to change several habits altogether than just one it seems. You re doing pretty well regardless.

As for food intake, the old adage (breakfast like king, lunch like a prince, dine like a beggar) really seems to be making sense - personally i ve been doing that all my life and it worked pretty well - granted, i gained a couple of pounds since my quit (6 months ago) but it s a combination of slowed-down metabolism (no tobacco), automatic munching (unoccupied hands..) and general apathy (depressed mood from no high), especially during month 2 and 3. I m now better. Anyway, wanted to congratulate you, you sound fantastic!

And i m delighted to see you meet that goal you enunciated early on: a fresh brain for back to school!!
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#74

Postby naturegirl » Wed Aug 23, 2017 1:06 am

Gitana, I so appreciate you. You've been one of my biggest supporters. I do see the next couple of months being tough. I'm getting better though. I went for a run after school training today, and I realize that I have to force myself to sweat and try to get that thc out of my brain. I swear my brain has sponged up so much thc through the years. I still struggle with clarity of thought, but it's getting better. And thank you, I am stoked that I am starting the school year with a month into being sober. It helps.
Also, I agree with the food advice. I want to say that I've been eating the opposite direction for too long. Now, that I've been eating throughout the day, I'm waking up with normal blood sugar levels. Plus, I'm taking a natural supplement that helps.
I'm proud of you too. I like that you have some time under your belt so you can advise me the bumps I might hit along the way. I do worry about the 3 month marker. It will be way too easy to just throw in the towel. My biggest struggle is the lack of sleep that I'm getting. I just can't figure this one out. I think I just need to physically exhaust myself, which I know will happen once school starts. Thanks again, for checking in. It's always nice to hear from you.
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