15 years of weed - Day 1 of freedom

Postby StubItOut » Thu Jul 13, 2017 8:15 pm

Don't really know where to begin so I'm just going to type and see what comes out.

Hi all. This Is the third time I've been on this forum in the last 9 years for the same issue. My weed habit. I made my first post at 21 years old, and 9 years later I'm still here smoking the demon weed.

I started smoking weed at 15 years old. And somehow I am still smoking away 15 years later. That is my entire adult life under a cloudy fog and when I think about it like that it is overwhelming.

I've been through so many half arsed attempts at quitting, so many promises of only smoking once a week etc yet still here I am, toking daily. Constantly having a mental battle with myself, one minute I'm telling myself it's fine to smoke, the next I need to stop. Up until a few days ago I was getting ready to start a little indoor grow again and I had a couple of plants in the back garden. Now I've binned all my gear and I'm determined to quit once and for all.

Im so tired. Im tired of the constant merry go round of buying and smoking. Telling myself each bag is the last one, but it never is. Im tired of the constant mental struggle I have with myself about it. I actually don't even enjoy the high anymore. I wait all day, going through the motions at work, wait till my daughter is in bed and then it's straight for a spliff and veg out all night. It just makes me anxious now and nearly every time I'm stoned I sit there wishing I wasn't stoned and just generally feeling edgy but I can't stop.

All the usual things that go with it as well. You've read them all before. Amplified introversion, social anxiety etc etc. Can't focus on things hardly either anymore, I used to really enjoy reading books but I struggle to focus nowadays and the thought of starting a book seems like a massive effort.

It dawned on me earlier that I actually don't even know who I am. My entire adult life has been spent under the influence of cannabis. That thought alone is absolutely depressing. And what's more depressing is the thought that stoned me is the only me there can be. What if I do quit and 12 months down the line nothing has changed? That scares the deal out of me.

There's so much I want to write but it's not coming out coherently. I think I'll leave it here for now and hopefully I can get more out as time goes on. I intend to use this as my quitting journal and my first goal is 30 days. If I can look back in 30 days not having had a spliff I will be proud of myself.

Today is the end of day 1 weed free. I'm actually quite proud of this single day because there have been times I would normally reached straight for the weed but instead I'm in bed with a chamomile tea and I'm going to attempt to get into a book I bought 4 years ago and still haven't read.

Until tomorrow

Stay sober
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#1

Postby Gitana » Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:48 am

Thanks for reporting StubItOut - good move, not easy, but having been through all the stages, your motivation might be on point this time - you do it for yourself! Past frustration is a good reminder for acting better in the future (i.e today on)
Enjoy the book!
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#2

Postby cleanofgreen » Sat Jul 15, 2017 10:36 am

Hey Stubitout

What if I do quit and 12 months down the line nothing has changed? That scares the deal out of me.


If you've smoked for 15 years solid, then I can assure you that if you stay clean for 12 months you will be a completely different person, a Stubitout 2.0 , a much better version of who you are now. The mental strength it takes to quit a long term habit like this will make you a better person than if you had never smoked. You'll be able to take on anything that life throws at you, kinda like a mental ninja.

Good luck and stay strong.
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#3

Postby bluey105 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:42 am

How did you get on over the weekend SiO?
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#4

Postby StubItOut » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:15 am

Thanks for dropping in all.

It's still going well. I have 3 full days smoke free now. Yesterday I took my daughter to the sea life centre so that kept me busy all day. In the evening I had a few beers with the Mrs so didn't really think about weed at all.

Today will be the first real challenge as my daughter goes to her grandma's at lunch time and stays until tomorrow. Generally Sundays are spent doing not much other than smoking weed all day. But not today.

I have found the reading and chamomile tea before bed is really helpful. It relaxes my mind and stops me thinking about smoking.

I'm finding motivation comes in spurts. One minute I'm super positive about stopping the weed and the next minute I'm wondering why I'm doing it and if I really need to. That crafty old brain of mine is trying to feed it's need for thc, but it's going to have to learn to live without it!

This forum is a massive help. It's crazy how much in common people who struggle with weed seem to have. I've read so many things in so many different posts where I've just smiled and thought 'that's me all over'.

A big one for me is being the best dad I can be. I think I'm a good dad but why be good when you can be great? Someone wrote about clock watching to get their kids in bed so they could smoke...thats me and it makes me sad. Once it gets to a certain time I just want my kid in bed so I can have a smoke and some peace. It's sad and it's not going to be me anymore!

Another one that hit me....'you can't think your way out of this One'....thats what weed does isn't it! Locks you in your own thoughts and everything is something you are going to do but not a lot of it actually becomes a reality. Thoughts and plans end up as tangible as the smoke from each spliff they were born from!

Unfortunately I mix my weed with tobacco. But I don't actually smoke cigarettes, only spliffs. So I'm now struggling through cravings for the nicotine and the weed. I keep thinking if I should buy some tobacco and smoke a few rollies here and there to alleviate the nicotine addiction but I'm resisting so far because I don't want to end up a smoker again - I quit smokes about 5 years ago which was obviously easier due to the fact I was still smoking spliffs.

Anyway im rambling. Today I focus on 4 days and once I get through this I need to focus on making it through the working week smoke free. If I can do that then i'll have done 9 days and I will be proud.

Until tomorrow folks

Stay sober
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#5

Postby Gitana » Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:42 am

You seem to be doing everything quite properly, good job! I hear you about nicotine - i too stopped both altogether (and sugar too) and it for sure didnt make the ride any easier. After 5 months (!) , i seem to be totally done with both (though i m back into buying chocolate..).
Yup, this forum is incredible - we are so going through the same patterns, it s pretty comical!
Happy ride!
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#6

Postby wolfyt78 » Sun Jul 16, 2017 9:42 pm

Hi there
Just read your posts and I can totally relate to everything you said it's crazy! .I'm also few days into my quit
Similar story to yourself so will be on the same road.
hope we can finally be free of this for good . Stay strong brother
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#7

Postby StubItOut » Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:27 pm

So here I am at the end of day 5.

So far it has been easier than expected but there have been moments.

Yesterday (sunday) I was on my own for a few hours from around 10am to 2.30pm and that was the hardest time I've had yet. Stress level went through the roof and I could have killed for a smoke.

A few months ago when I was trying to cut tobacco out I bought some hemp buds off Amazon (contain roughly 0.3% thc). They are still in my drawer and I actually almost went to the lengths of making a bong out of a juice bottle and a pen so I could just smoke something but fortunately I came to my senses and realised the ridiculousness of that plant pretty sharpish!

I've not yet experienced trouble going to sleep because I've been drinking tea and reading before bed. However I did wake at 3.45 this morning and couldn't settle properly again and I was up at 5.45 for work. Strangely I still felt pretty well rested.

Today has been ok. I've had a few moments but I find you just have to ride the wave for 10 minutes and the urge to smoke does pass. There has been a couple of times where my brain has been on auto pilot and I've thought 'Oh I'll do this and go for a smoke' and then I immediately remember that I'm not smoking and I feel a pang of disappointment. That's actually quite a difficukt.monent but it passes quickly.

Feels good to say I've done 5 days but I have been here before a few times so im not going to get complacent. I find it's so easy to lose focus when you're quitting and you have to constantly remind yourself why you're doing it. I long for the day I can live without cravings and I hope I get there soon.

I am enjoying the clarity of being smoke free though I have to say. Even after a few days I can already feel the mist in my head lifting a bit. Feel more.engaged in conversations with the Mrs and the feeling of wanting her to be quiet is not as strong as when I'm stoned :D

I'm going to try not to post again until I hit the weekend which will be around the 10 day Mark but I will if I feeling will prevent me lighting up.

Here's to Another day smoke free

Until tomorrow

Stay sober folks
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#8

Postby StubItOut » Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:49 pm

Meant to say ridiculousness of that plan - not plant. Fat fingers small phone :)
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#9

Postby naturegirl » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:19 pm

Are you drinking a tea that helps you to sleep? This is what I'm struggling with is the whole can't shut my brain off. Well, I've decided to restart today. Gitana and wolfyt78 have both motivated me. Man, I hope it sticks. Hang in there! You're a few days ahead of me but we got this! Love seeing like minded people who state the exact things I'm thinking. Awesome!
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#10

Postby StubItOut » Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:43 pm

Hey naturegirl.

Yes I believe the tea is helping me sleep.

I'm drinking chamomile tea which is known for its calming effects and I can say that I believe it works 100% and at the moment I'm swearing by it. I've just had a cup not long ago and I've been struggling to keep my eyes open through a couple of chapters of a book.

Strange because I've never beloved in herbal remedies which is a bit ironic as I've been smoking a herbal medicine for the past 15 years haha.

All th ebest naturegirl. We can do it. It's all in the mind. I truly believe that now. We just need to be the masters of our own thoughts and actions!
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#11

Postby naturegirl » Tue Jul 18, 2017 2:21 pm

Okay, I got through day 1 and it sucked. I can't sleep. I'm going to buy some chamomile tea and give it a try it can't hurt. Since I have the summer off, I'm might as well figure out this insomnia now. What day is it for you now? Day 6? Keep it up man. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm not going to give in. I got this!
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#12

Postby StubItOut » Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:19 pm

Yes today is day 6. I've not long been home.from.work and I could kill for a smoke. Feeling pretty unpleasant right now actually.

Im.going to have a chamomile tea and hope it sooths the cravings.

Try reading a book at night as you have your tea. When you get into the book it takes your mind off thinking about weed as well which is probably contributing to the insomnia.

I actually feel like giving up right now to be honest but I know if I smoke I'll end up p!ssed off with myself as soon as the first drag hits the back of my throat. And the last 5 days smoke free will have been for nothing. So I soldier on.
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#13

Postby naturegirl » Tue Jul 18, 2017 10:44 pm

StubItOut, you know it's the early on stages and about two months in that makes it so hard. I've been outside working on the yard and man, I am so frickin negative right now. I bought some new plants and I kept thinking that they're all going to die and what was the point. I finally had to quit and come inside. I didn't get to the store today. Well, I did but it was a plant store.

I have some sleepy time tea so I'm going to try that. It's a struggle. I know I can hang on. I just need to be able to sleep. I feel pretty darn tired. I feel so darn pathetic. Such a stupid habit that I so miss. But, I want to keep my mind clean and I swear I feel those neurons trying to unclog their receptor sites. One step at a time is all we can do. I know my mood will get better. Keep it up man! Let's soldier on. We got this.
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#14

Postby StubItOut » Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:52 am

Trying to make a post but it's telling me it 'looks spammy for a new user please remove offsite urls' but my post doesn't contain any.

Very annoying.

Anyway I'll just have to re write a short one.

Yesterday was day 7 and it was absolute hell on earth for me. I think I had become complacent and a bad day hit me hard. I was in a foul mood all day and I actually don't know how I didn't have in and smoke.

Fortunately I remained smoke free and today I'm actually feeling really good. I know today will be another smoke free day and I'll have completed 8 days before i know it.

For anyone that is struggling just trust me that the feeling will pass and no matter how hard it seems just stay focused and hang tough. We can all do it we just need to recognise the wave of crave and ride it back to shore!

Until tomorrow

Stay sober
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