36 years, my story and my struggle

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Jul 22, 2017 12:49 am

36 years my story

What a great/useful forum, I'm so glad I found this place. I've been reading now for a few weeks and have gained more knowledge than expected. It's a relief to know I'm not alone in this and that others have been through(or going through) the same. I think it would be a lot harder to face this if I hadn't received the knowledge I have through all you guys, I thank you all.
I think the unexpected might be the scariest. ...Being blindsided by something you don't expect when your at your weakest can blow things right out of the water I'm sure. I desperately need to tell my story to someone who will listen and hopefully understand and I'm sure I found that on this site. I have no one who could understand at home, they might listen but can't really help me right now. So here goes, I'll try to keep it simple as I can...



"It makes the sky a little more blue, the grass a little greener." I still remember what my cousin told me 36 years ago before I tried marijuana for the first time. We spent the night in his old clunker going from pot party to pot party, jamming to led zeppelin. I was hooked instantly. I had just lost my father and found later this was a relief from reality, I had no idea I could do this. My mother didn't understand and figured it was better than alcohol so she never came down on me to hard about it.
I spent my entire high school high. I struggled so much I quit before I graduated and turned around and got my GED. The the easy way out. What a loss but I didn't care.
I had never dealt with emotions over my father passing away so I was always angry which threw me deeper into pot. Had a failed marriage because of anger and not dealing correctly with young emotions.
Trying to turn my life around I struggled hard and got a decent job as a draftsman, as I got better at my job I was able to do it stoned so smoking in the morning was a relief. This was my stoned life for a long, long time, just getting by so I could be high. ..I raised two kids stoned and missed so much it's ridiculous. This was my biggest loss I think. ...I know.
I eventually found high grade and this changed my world. Was able to be high again, what a relief. I just didn't realize how thick the fog was and started really failing at everything I did. Eventually I lost my job and had to depend on others to support me. Moved back home and started smoking the lower grade, it was all I could get. It took quite a while before I could get high from it but I had all the swag I wanted. It was making me sick because it was trash weed so I figured I would get smart and try to make hash from it. Here we go again, it was great. I got better at pulling hash oils and this was all I smoked, no way I could get high from the regular pot now. All the cheap weed I needed so I existed like this for a good while.
I found myself going back smoking in my little lab a created every damn chance I got. (Every 30 minutes or so)...It was making me sick again, I went through a jug of milk every two days to settle my stomach but remained high as possible all the while... How weak!
When my mother passed during this I couldn't deal with my emotions and was so angry at myself I started evaluating what was left of my life. I'm a lifelong pot junky, what a surprise.
I put together a plan to quit, becoming more and more determined as I did. I set a date(July 17 2017 at 5:00am). I stopped making and smoking hash oil 7 days before my quit date, only smoking the trash weed. I burned and busted my lab that week, it was on. The momentum of my decision was driving me now, I was physically and emotionally sick at what I had become and there was no turning back. Somehow I think I was sensing a relief which drove me even more. I never got high that week even though I smoked like crazy, now I'm so glad I did this. It would've been a lot harder on me if I hadn't quit the HO.
It's day 5 now and I'm writing this on the side, I don't think I could've written all this before now. I'm also keeping track of what I'm going through. Reading what others went through seemed to help me more than anything so far. Will post this as well.
Marijuana is a thief that will steal, kill, and destroy. ....It stole my life but it WILL NOT steal from me anymore.
I've never known a normal life. I hope I live long enough to see this through as I am 50 now. If I don't, so be it. Either way... I'm done with it. I don't want to die high and none of us are promised a tomorrow.

Thank you for listening to my story,
Scott






36 years, my struggle

Day 1
Awoke at 5am alarm still high from night before. Panicked slightly but a since of relief as well. Okay till about noon. Tension starting, withdrawing. No desire to smoke. Just anxious. Took awhile to get to sleep, headache setting in.

Day 2
Wide awake at 4 head screaming, nausea setting in. Been here before but this seems different somehow. By noon nausea has set in pretty good, no way I can eat. Head hurts worse. No desire to smoke, staying determined. I ate some but had to make myself. By nightfall head spinning full force, nausea full on, headache severe, body pains, throwing up now. This is crazy, wasn't expecting these effects, didn't read about it. I was surprised. Able to sleep pretty sound cause I was so sick.

Day 3
Up at 4 or so, awoke to my first thought not being about my stash(first time in many years). Mentally examined my body and was surprised that I seemed a little better. Head still screaming but wasn't nauseous as night before. Slightly optimistic...
Before noon everything was back full force. Puking, had to hit the bed again with a wet rag. Discouraged but tryin to dwell on the fact that I hit a wave. I knew it was gonna be day by day but this feels like it's been breath by breath. I'm crying, wth.. I hate it(pot) more than ever now. No desire to smoke, how the hell is a joint gonna fix this anyway... Marijuana not addictive..right..lol. Trying to be optimistic without dwelling on this being the beginning of a long haul. Was able to sleep some cause I was still sick. ..and what's up with this amazing amount of saliva I'm producing..lol. Not a problem just annoying.

Day 4
Awoke again to other thoughts besides my stash. I'm so glad. Headache a little better, nausea is slight but constant(this is the biggest relief so far). Was able to eat. Not puking now. All symptoms back at about 1/2 force but I know I have kicked it right square in the balls. Hanging on tight, counting waves. Trying to deal with emotions, ..I expected this though. Forced myself to get in the 98 deg heat and work a little this eve, this was a tremendous help. I feel better. I just need to nut up and force it. Have urges now though. They never seem to last more than 30 minutes.

Day 5
A different kinda night. Very little sleep. All symptoms reduced except this raging headache and scattered emotions. Thoughts are rampant and hard to control. Had a bad day with very few waves. Regardless, hanging in there. Dreaming some now, haven't dreamt in years. I miss my dreams. Tomorrow will be a better day. Some urges. Need to sleep.. Was gonna try to get out and work/sweat today some but just couldn't physically do it.



Well world there you go, this is where I am right now. I hope this can help someone as some of you have helped me through your experiences.


Thanks for reading and please post good or bad. I can handle criticism. Just not my life as it is anymore.

Scott Moore
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#1

Postby cleanofgreen » Sat Jul 22, 2017 1:41 pm

Hey Scott
Welcome to the forum, great to see another long time smoker kicking the habit. I smoked for 24 years and like you, only started seeing real problems when I switched to high grade. Quitting was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've ever done in my life.
Once the fog lifts, you'll be amazed at how easy everything in life becomes. I'm not going to sugar coat it, your in for a rough ride over the next 6 - 8 months. I really feel for you, but my advice is don't keep looking back at how you screwed up, that part of your life is over now and its time to look forward to how amazing life will be without weed clouding everything up, and dumbing everything down. The key to success is that you have to find a good habit to replace the long term one which dictated every waking moment of your life and you might as well make it an exercise program. Almost every long term quitter here has recommended intense exercise as the key to their success. Find something which will make your heart pound and sweat and do it for at least 30 mins a day, 6 days a week. This will help get rid of the anxiety and depression which many experience. Also have a read up on PAWS as knowing what to expect is crucial. Here is a link to it
http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=104580

Some things that might help exercise (this one is crucial), meditation, healthy eating, omega 3, vitamin B complex, avoiding alcohol and most of all being kind to your self whiel going through recovery for the next few months.
Good luck and stay strong.
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#2

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Jul 22, 2017 2:25 pm

Thanks Clean, the PAWS thing is new info and I need all I can get right now. Good stuff man.

It's day 6 now and I slept. It helped tremendously. Most all symptoms are reduced now except for headache and it seems to be going away slowly but surely.
Now I can really feel the fog lifting. I even laughed a little earlier.
I will take all that advice to heart and will do it.

Again, thank you for the support
Scott
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#3

Postby mrprankies » Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:28 pm

Congratulations on your accomplishments. We can all relate that getting to where you are right now was no joke. It is terrifying how powerful this "harmless" drug can really be. I know not everyone struggles with it from an addiction standpoint, but for those of us that it overtakes, its "harmless" reputation can make breaking the cycle even more difficult, and it's a struggle that many simply won't understand. But we know what you have been through, and you know what you have accomplished. Be proud!

Now that you have shattered the illusion of this "harmless" substance, I hope you get to embrace and enjoy your new fog-free life.
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#4

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Jul 22, 2017 6:38 pm

mrprankies wrote: But we know what you have been through, and you know what you have accomplished. Be proud!

Now that you have shattered the illusion of this "harmless" substance, I hope you get to embrace and enjoy your new fog-free life.





YES.... That's what I need to hear. Thank you man
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#5

Postby naturegirl » Sat Jul 22, 2017 7:09 pm

Wow, ScottMoore, we are like two peas in a pod. I love that we both quit on the same day, July 17. We both have been smoking about the same length of time. We are both about the same age. We both have had our parents die on us. We both used pot as a way to forget our lives and feelings. Hang in there my friend. I am also so incredibly inspired to hear people's stories and listen to their new journey. Day 5 was so hard for me as well. I kind of had a mental break down. It was good to be around some people and listen to laughter and music and not focus on this addiction. We have a long road to travel. I'll keep writing about my struggles and my successes, and I hope you do the same. Today, feels like a good day. I know there's going to be future bad days. Even once the withdrawals are gone, I know there's going to be a lot of buried stuff that's going to surface, and I want to learn how to deal with it without having to try to block it out with a substance. It's okay to feel. Isn't that the whole point of living. Yes, get out in that yard and sweat and breathe and feel and live. I'm going be 49 in September, and I realize that I have lived a huge part of my life in a fog. I want to learn to embrace life eyes wide open. You know I had a conversation with my parents when I was in high school how they preferred that I smoke weed instead of drink. I believe we grew up during a different time. I know that pot is becoming more accepted in our society which is fine to me, but buyer beware. I do have a friend that suffers with chronic pain, and I told her that I completely embrace her smoking. For me, this is just a personal issue. I like to wake up and have a clear head. I want to learn how to deal with my emotions. I don't want to fear being drug tested. I just want to live life. Anyway, I caught this post and wanted to give you some feedback. I agree with you. People's words are very supportive. It's nice to know that there are people that are struggling like you and want to change. It's nice to know that there are people who have kicked the habit completely. I know that this is going to be a long process. Again, have a beautiful day! And be proud of yourself! Really cool to hear.
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#6

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Jul 22, 2017 8:20 pm

Thanks Naturegirl,
I kinda got that too. Yes, it was a very different time and I'm glad your here. I will keep posting and you do the same.. I did not realize we quit on the same day. A pleasant coincidence in the least. Let's hang tuff together. Lol.

Again very glad your here,
SM
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#7

Postby ScottMoore » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:24 am

Day 8

I worked myself in the heat today like crazy.. I feel so damn tired and so good at the same time it surprised me. Hope to sleep well as I have stayed away from alcohol (thx Cleanofgreen, good advice). Alcohol affects our decision making and at my time of weakness it's excellent advice.

Still reaching for my dugout in my left pocket sometimes tho. Don't care staying strong.

Not many withdrawal symptoms now. Headache clearing rapidly too.
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#8

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:39 am

Hey Scott,

I acknowledge your integrity. Glad you made the decision to quit. Quitting after 36 years is better than 37 years, 38, ... 50 years. And so much life left to live as well. Happy for you.

G
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#9

Postby ScottMoore » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:44 am

Thank you very much G, you're supporting words really help, as do others. It feels good to be here around people who actually understand. Thank you thank you

Scott
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#10

Postby ScottMoore » Wed Jul 26, 2017 6:18 pm

Day 10

Some sleep problems but it's okay. Working outside and being in the heat helps. I've sweat gallons I'm sure. Eating right is tuff, I'm just not hungry so I'm sure I'll lose a little weight not that I need to really, I'm not in bad shape.

Had a job offer today at a local flying service as office manager. Good job, good money and I love planes. This isn't exactly my forte or what I'm used to doing but I could handle the job I think. The deal is I'll be dealing with the public and even though I know most of the customers that I would deal with I'm concerned about having bad days. I know most all employees at the company as well and they are all decent people they just like to drink pretty regular. This isn't much of a problem for me either just something I need to be expecting if I take the job.

Soooo, ...I go in the office to meet up with the owner who was out on a flight. I checked radar and he's on his way in so I wait around a bit talking to customers when a co-owner(who I don't know) comes in and walks behind me to go around the counter when I get a whiff of some quality herb. This is the first time I have smelled it since I quit. I was surprised at how it wasn't a trigger. It made me wonder just how I might've smelled to others all my life. Sad. I did a little evaluation on the guys attitude and demeanor, I could CLEARLY see the lack of spark and the sluggish attitude as he tried to go through the billing records(would be part of my job). I forced this to be just another reason to be proud of myself. I'm doin my best to embrace these moments for my betterment. I've noticed I can actually talk to people now a whole lot easier. Communication is coming on a lot easier now but I don't want to be overconfident as I know I'm still vulnerable. I know I need to give this one a lot of thought.

Something else I've noticed is a major drop in my T level, things just don't look up like they used to. Pun intended. Lol. It's not a problem really in that aspect I mean everything works when it needs to but I figure it could be a reason why I feels so damn tired all the time. This could actually be something the doctor could help me out in but I think I might just let all this acclimate on its own. ....lolol, hope that's not to much info. :oops:

Man staying busy is a lot easier as well. I find myself making more since to myself and others and being a more productive person. I look back and read what I wrote the first week and that seals it even more. I was really really suffering but that phase seems to be over now so on to the next phase... So glad I found this forum, it has helped me to recognize what I'm going through and to be successful as I embrace these changes. This IS the process. I'm starting to realize this for myself now.

I've noticed my lungs are clearing up like crazy, not hocking those nasty luggys anymore thank God.

I am smoking cigarettes more though, need to keep a grip on that as well. Not ready to quit those.....YET.
My daughter gave me her vape pens because they quit nicotine. Fortunately I never vaped my BHO so I might try and use those some. We'll see. One thing at a time one day at a time.


My heart goes out to all here who are beginning their journey/process.. Just remember to be as positive as possible and be very careful what you tell yourselves. Our brains are listening and for the most part will go where you tell it. Educate, be prepared, be positive. We did this to ourselves and we can undo it.

On with the mental battle, I will overcome.
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#11

Postby gsaint28 » Wed Jul 26, 2017 6:52 pm

Onward you go. Keep doing what you're doing, it appears to be working.
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#12

Postby ClintonW » Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:11 pm

Hi Scott. Well done on getting this far. I remember the early days of quitting. I used to really struggle sleeping. I would often wake up in a cold sweat. It gets better after a week or two. You will soon really enjoy your sleep.

I'm going to give you four letters to keep in mind for when things get tough. HALT it stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If you're any one of the four then take a step back and fix it. If you're two of them then stop what you're doing and go and fix them. Try not to get to three and definitely not four. Being any of them makes you vulnerable. So many times did I let being hungry, angry, lonely or tired cause me to want to seek out the weed. Eventually the drug will stop calling you.

You're stronger than you know. Keep up the great work.

Mathew
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#13

Postby ClintonW » Wed Jul 26, 2017 8:26 pm

Just read you're on day ten. You're doing great. Wow, I've just been reminded of the extreme fatigue. It's really common. I've read that the good news is it's a side effect of weed coming out of your system. I can assure you though that it does go away after a few weeks.
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#14

Postby ScottMoore » Wed Jul 26, 2017 9:44 pm

Hi Mathew,
HALT... This is new to me. I will definitely take this advice. All advice I've received here has helped actually.

I can see where this will help me later on for sure as well . It makes a whole lot of since.

I read your other post and it was inspirational as well. I'm glad you kicked this and are doing so well. Hearing how you and others have gotten clean of this and can actually live life without needing it makes me feel like I can do this as well.

Thank you, I will not forget it... Probably ever..lol
Scott
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