4.5 years gone for the new life

Postby sunshine24 » Sun Jul 23, 2017 2:28 pm

How to start?
First off, I saw this forum recently, and its giving me a clearer perspective on weed and its good/bad sides. Giving me a clearer picture of myself, by seeing other addicts with similar problems. Yeah, I say addicts, cause thats what we are right?
I always had a problem realizing that.
I should say, I smoke weed for about 10 years, but it has not been a problem until about 5 years ago. I always did it in moderation, couple of times a month at best, but slowly increasing, never going other way around.

But real change from moderation to heavy use happened lightning fast, I got hit by life really hard, lot of bad things occurred in a short time span. I just woke up one day, had weed, smoked it, liked the feeling, and continued to do so whole day, every day.
I should say I was never a happy person. I was happy at one point, but as with weed, as I got older, somehow all was getting worse. Before I started smoking heavy, I should add there have been some suicidal thoughts, though I was almost sure I would not act upon them, I'm just not that kind of guy. I always knew it was just depression talking, and I should just work on it.
Well, instead of just man up and do that, I found easier way out. Smoking whole day, every day seems to solve all of the life problems, as long as you have money for it. And I do, but barely, giving up everything and focusing only on weed, I can support myself, barely.

First year or two were ok, it was something new, and it was helping, albeit just concealing the truth and even making it worse, but drugs seem to have that exact effect on people. Makes it easy to forget your problems, as you forget a lot of other important things in the process. And a lot of people have no problem with that, some even become functioning addicts. I'm not like that, since I was barely functioning without weed, it only made matters worse. Some things that were hard to do before, I would just start avoiding. A lot of commitments, work, even friends, everything started to become a chore. So I avoided it as much as humanly possible.

Fast foward to today, I can honestly say I hit bottom, I could go even further, as all things in life, I can make it worse, but I don't think I would survive it. I just feel like this is my last chance at life I always wanted. That I should draw the line and say I can't go further, if I do, I will lose the person I was before all this.
And I somehow know I'm ready. I want to be in that depressive state, its not even bad, and at least unlike many other people battling depression/anxiety, I always knew what my solution is, I just wasn't ready. That one thing is hard work, being, I think the word for it is diligent, in every aspect of life. If I only did that 1 thing, I know I would be happy and content. That is the only thing that ever got me down, even though I say a lot of bad things happened to me, I know I could ignore it all if only I worked hard at becoming what I want to be. I just don't want to be lazy and wait for life to come to me, it just doesn't work that way. Its who I was my whole life, and weed just added a lot to it.
Since as I say, I barely did anything, got through everything by doing the least amount of work possible, even being at the edge of failure and balancing, I somehow feel I'm in the better position than anyone to start.

I think that all correlates with this addiction, as I feel I should start there, while I also work on other aspects of my life. I found this forum, and I wanted to write so I remember what I'm thinking on this journey, and maybe help some other people in the process, since reading other people battling addiction here contributes to my resolve.

I should add a timeline, I didn't smoke since the beginning of july, not even sure exact date since I didn't want to count, but lets say 20 days. Haha, its not even a month and feels like an eternity.
I did stop couple of times before, for one reason or another, never made it more than a month, and I still occasionally smoked in between. But maybe thats why initial symptoms don't even seem that hard, as I already been through them couple of times. I can eat properly, I sleep properly (well, not easy, but it doesn't seem as bad as before, and surely not bad as some people who post). Only problems I have is I'm not feeling myself, get anxiety a lot, and every day I do crave weed, but lets say its only about 30min to an hour every day, rest of the day I don't think about it much. At those moments I am always determened to say no.
Another thing, don't know how better to describe and I don't think of it as craving, I do get thoughts of weed, of smoking it, throughout the day, some days more, some none at all, but those pass as fast as I think of them. I don't associate those with cravings because they happen instantly, like I think "man I could be high right now", seeing something thinking "this would be so cool if I was high", but as soon as I do it I forget about that thought and my mind focuses on what I am already doing at that moment.
Way I write about it seems a lot like craving, maybe it is, but mild ones, it is a habbit after all and I smoked 2-3 grams a day, whole day, so I guess its only logical that kind of thoughts will enter my mind throughout the day.

Other withdrawal symptoms, more or less, I don't think are that bad, most I wouldn't even notice if I didn't read about them. I get most of whats expected, but seem to ignore everything but the psychological side effects. Those I find worst, as I mentioned them, and they are the ones that always win when I relapsed before.
I think this time I am more prepared, and will focus on getting my head in the right direction.

One last thing before I post, maybe my biggest problem with withdrawal is that I still don't feel bad about weed. I still get thoughts that even if I quit now, I would never be able to do it for a lifetime. I still like it, after all bad things that it caused for me. I still think of it as something good, life-improving, but only if one is able to moderate it. But I also know that I have really addictive personality, when I like something, I can't stop doing that even if it kills me, that reflects in my love life also, if I like someone I go all or nothing, while maybe being to clingy.
So, at least I know what the problems are, I know everything, and the only thing that is left is that one thing I avoided all this time, and that is doing something about it. Working really hard on improving everything.
For the last part, the one that I'm not sure if I can go my whole life without smoking, I will set a time, 2.5 years from now. Then I will know if it was only addiction that made me think that, or is it really that I want to try moderation. Anything before that and it would be a rush decision, one made by me as an addict who just rationalizes every chance to just get high. Like I see a lot of people posting on forums after one week, month, saying they are changed, enlightened, resolved and all other bull*** and they think now they will be able to moderate it. Sorry to say, but for most people, myself included, thats just addict talking. Maybe 1 in 100000 people really do change instantly, but even then only after some lifechanging event, but for the rest of us its better to stay safe now than be sorry later. Its just human nature, years of something don't just change overnight or after a week in bed thinking about change. They only change with a lot of hard work, and after you put a big chunk of time into it.
Staying in bed every day thinking about and imagining you are building a house for a week, a month, will not build a house. Going out and doing it is what does it.

Don't know if someone will read this, I wrote a lot, I could have written a lot more but tried to make it short. Hopefully I will stick to this and after some time make this post worthwhile by being the first one, one that began this new chapter of life.
I will post my progress when I have free time, or when I feel I got something to share, maybe daily, maybe after a while.
For now its 20 days going strong.
Wish you all the best, and good luck in your efforts. Feel free to post and add to this thread, the more people that change with me, the better, and I appreciate all the support I can get, and would like to help anyone and everyone that needs it. Message me as well if you feel like it, I will try to at least check this forum daily.
edit: wow it didn't seem like this much until I posted, i must have been writing for an hour. :shock: :roll:
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#1

Postby gsaint28 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:00 am

hi there,

I read about 60% of your post. I got the gist of what you're going through.

What stands out is when you said, "I always knew what my solution is, I just wasn't ready. That one thing is hard work, being, I think the word for it is diligent, in every aspect of life. If I only did that 1 thing, I know I would be happy and content."

Consider that now with weed being gone, it is now the time to focus on the things in your life that hard work will bring forth. For us "addicts", weed was our purpose, it was our daily agenda, it is what all our efforts went toward and were generated from.

Now, as is common with weed quitters, the focus goes from "smoke weed every day" to "don't smoke weed every day." There may be some other things on the agenda, but by and large the main goal is to not smoke. It makes sense, but it also makes no sense.

NEVER do I put "don't smoke crack" or "don't commit suicide" on my to do list. NEVER is it the forefront of my agenda, my purpose. It's not wrong to make not doing something a part of the agenda. I'm demonstrating that it's just kind of silly, although a very, VERY understandable approach to quitting pot. I say this with compassion and empathy.

Really, what this is about now, is what you want to make your life about. If not pot, what? This is where you get your life back.

:)
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#2

Postby sunshine24 » Mon Jul 24, 2017 4:10 pm

Hello there, and thanks for the reply. I read your posts too, maybe its a coincidence, but your post acctualy made me start a thread here to keep my updates. I saw you returned after 2 years to your thread, and I thought to myself, maybe I will need that too in the future to remind me, and if even by a little, give some perspective to other people here. I haven't posted on other threads, but I will try that as well, I just needed this to "break the ice" first.
There are too many people posting on the internet after 1 week, 1 day, and then never returning, those can really get you down, thinking wow, so many people just surrender, is it really all worth it, maybe I should too?
I'm hoping I don't become one of them, but as things stand now, I don't think I will.

I also understand what you are saying, quitting should never be perceived as something you focus on, as its not something you can really do anything about. It can be a priority in your head, meaning you don't want to smoke anymore, but the main focus should be on improving one self. Working towards and focusing on your goal in life, in my case getting a better job and a degree. And in that process, I'm hoping I will just put aside my addiction, until eventually its not even a problem or a side effect anymore.

All of us had reasons for becoming addicted to this plant, and if we just quit and did nothing else, its easy to see how even in a year, nothing would change, it would even be worse since in my case, weed has made my life 10 times harder than when I started for that same reason, life being hard. :)

Well, I did remember now when I acctualy smoked last, it was 24. june, the week went fine, but I went to a party around 2. july and kind of relapsed hard, but only that evening, so I guess those 20 days I mentioned are good starting point. Today being 21st day that is...

Now for the bad part, since dont know why, but my post seem like I know it all and like I quit decade ago. But thats not the case, its just that, like many of us, I wanted to quit for some time, and read a lot about it, heard a lot of stories in RL from people who quit, and I just try to ignore or actively prevent all withdrawal symptoms.
The one I can do nothing about are vivid dreams. I started dreaming almost every day, and I even like it. Sometimes they are bad dreams, that stress me out or scare me in the dream, sometimes wake me up, but even those I like, since I know they are just dreams. :) But day before yesterday I dreamed for the first time I was smoking, with a guy I barely know, and a friend I know doesn't even smoke weed. That friend I did met day before. In the dream, just before I woke up, I remember I also bought a lot of MJ for later... It really threw me off track more than I realized since yesterday I couldn't sleep whole night, first time since I quit. All is ok now, and I didn't even crave, I just couldn't fall asleep. Weird. :)
I also figured out that my dreams are connected to the things I did the day before, or things I thought about during the day.

One last thing, I still just find ways to pass the time, not doing anything constructive. I am working out, and that helps, but I did that even when using so I dont find that changed. Maybe I should intensify it, add jogging to that or meditation.

Other than that, everything is fine, haven't tried any suplements or medication, as I don't think meds would help me achieve my goal, I want to know myself for who I am, and medication will surely change that.
edit:another chunk of text. Should work on making my posts simpler, its just I started to write after a while from quitting and I feel I had to catch up a little. :)
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#3

Postby gsaint28 » Tue Jul 25, 2017 12:51 am

Maybe 1 in 100000 people really do change instantly, but even then only after some lifechanging event, but for the rest of us its better to stay safe now than be sorry later. Its just human nature, years of something don't just change overnight or after a week in bed thinking about change. They only change with a lot of hard work, and after you put a big chunk of time into it.



Hey :)

Your decision to be weed free comes in an instance. Being weed free does not have to be earned only after X days, months, or years of being weed free. The X days, months and years of being weed free is due to the decision to be weed free, a long time ago.

You can declare being weed free now, and you'll still have to deal with cravings and such. But who you are in dealing with the cravings and such is now that of a weed free person.

Who you are is not a product of the results. The results are a product of who you are.
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#4

Postby sunshine24 » Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:32 am

Just wanted to post an update, and reflect on my feelings. Its been like 29 days, or something, so a bit short to a month. I think this might be the longest I have been without green plant in this 5 years of abusing it. I said I tried to quit before, but honestly, those couple of attempts I have never gotten to a month, and even then, I smoked in between, just only once-twice so I kinda didn't count it thinking "its nothing compared to how much I regularly smoke".
Well, this time its 0 times.
Luckily, I really don't have problems sleeping. I did start going to the bar almost every night, or call a friend so we can drink a little, but I never had alcohol problems, and liter of beer really isn't that much. I don't plan on drinking more and more to cope, and I don't see that happening, it just helps me sleep, maybe. But I do sleep even without that, and at least I don't have bad mornings, when I don't drink. :)
Also, I found out about a week ago the guy I mostly called for my plants moved away so I have been even more chill, don't know why. I have other means of getting more, but I don't seem to want to go through the process of calling old contacts. In my mind, I think I just want to be free.
Still no meds, don't think I will try them since 1. I don't want to change one addiction with a worse one (for me it is worse, know a lot of people coming of meds, I really don't want that in life)
2. most are prescribed, and I kind of don't want to go to a therapist here as it goes on your record, and it can, and mostly will, impact if you can get a gun license/permit. And I would like to get one, maybe even start collecting when I get some spare cash. That is unexplored hobby for me, one that I like but have been putting of, and it will have to wait, but at least I can be prepared for when I do start.

As I said in previous posts, and that is still the case, I mostly deal with lack of motivation, depression, anxiety, and some panic attacks. I haven thought of them as panic attacks before as I had them most of my life, but they might be, at least mild ones since at that moment everything strikes me at the same time, mind racing, huge anxiety, sweating all over, just bad. No feelings of falling unconscious at least, that is inconceivable for me as I never fainted, even on harder drugs I can stay myself when I realize something is wrong. So it just might be some mild withdrawal problem, not a full panic attack, just some anxiety attack.

The rest is just fine, I work out a lot, I'm trying to stay busy, my biggest problem is no motivation for doing anything, I make myself do everything through sheer willpower.
Anyone can feel free to post here, maybe we can help eachother, I check the forum, but don't have much in terms of daily updates for me, since withdrawal is kinda going slow for me. I was ready for physical and mild mental issues before starting, so I mostly deal with more serious issues for myself.
Cravings and all that still there probably, I am just somehow more prepared and committed, and block them away.
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#5

Postby Whoppa1 » Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:37 pm

Hi sunshine read your thread pretty much I've used weed for over 20 years heavy toner half ounce a week stopped cold turkey about 16 days ago pretty much had a so called moment of clarity went to beach to think stuff over rolled up a joint went to light it up and couldn't thought of my kids decided then and there to quit and thew half an ounce into the sea going through the with drawl motions deppression and mean anxiety headaches but I know one thing I learned from giving up cigarettes 10 years ago to truly give something up you must want too if you are not prepared to help yourself then no one can help you my journey on giving up weed is only just started too its a hard one too start because weed has been that comforting friend for so long you know the freind that comes before all other freinds stay strong
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#6

Postby sunshine24 » Wed Aug 09, 2017 1:35 pm

Hey Whoppa, didn't answer your post since I didn't have much to add for myself, so I waited a couple of days to think things over. Good for you for being determined, if I had a joint in my hand, I never could stop myself from smoking. Even if I was really determined, I never could throw it away, I always thought it best to smoke all up and then stop. But I think throwing it all away is really better as it shows your commitment to it. Stay strong for your kids man, I don't have any, but have always thought if ever I do have, I would get myself clean and really work hard for them. I'm not sure if I am that kind of guy right now, and if I had kids, would I still be smoking like so many others. But I'm hopping to become that man, since its just not right for a kid to have an addict parents, speaking from experience...

For myself, its been about a month+8-9 days, I find it better to just not calculate all the time, I'm satisfied with not knowing exact number, and counting every day would just make me think more about it and be more conscious with withdrawal side-effects, maybe even focusing on them.
Reason why I post today is because I had couldn't fall asleep last night, I stayed in bed all night, tried reading a book, it didn't help. I was able to sleep only an hour-hour and a half in the morning, but after I woke up feeling really itchy arms and legs, like from the tingling you get on first week, feeling restless unable to stay in one place thinking I will go crazy. So just couldn't stay in bed, got up, even though I had no work today and could have slept in if I could. Don't know what the problem was, I wasn't craving or anything, I was even tired and if it wasn't for that I could have fallen asleep easy. But I had to get up... Maybe it has something to do with not working out for about a week, not even running, I was really busy this week, and when not, kind of lazy... So I will need to work on changing that in upcoming days.

Other than that everything is fine, I do get occasional cravings, mostly in the evenings, but they seem to pass much quicker than before.
I get much less anxiety, and I'm not depressed most of the days, only things that do get me down is that I have a lot of work and study I need to get done in a really short time span, not even sure I will make it in time, but I'm still procrastinating and even in little time I do spend studding I find it really hard to concentrate, even when not thinking about anything, my mind just goes blank, I read but nothing sticks, I can go through 10-20 pages, and not remember a thing. I will probably have to double the effort to keep it up, and I'm hoping that will help, or else I'm kinda doomed...:/
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#7

Postby sunshine24 » Sat Aug 12, 2017 9:23 am

Ok, so it happened. Yesterday I relapsed... So its been like month and 10 days. Wow... All this time, it feels like it has been a year, and its just a month... Can't believe its this hard.
As for smoking, I had a friend coming over from a different city, we used to smoke together since high school. We smoked together, then went out to meet some people. It was not a big joint, like we got couple of hits together, but anyway, I got really high, and for the first time, I also got anxious when we went to meet couple of friends. I was quiet for most of the evening, at one point even my heart started beating really hard. It never happens to me, maybe because I felt it was not right to myself, that I want to quit, I'm not sure. Still, it happened.

I know there will surely be more of this situations, there are a lot of people around me who smoke, but hopefully I can avoid joining them. I already did tell most of those people I don't smoke, but this guy was my friend for a long time, and we smoked together for a long time even before weed started being a problem for me, so it was hard to say no, don't know why.

Anyway, I will not count this as starting from day one, if I did that, I would just return to my wake and bake, and not care. If every time I slip up I need to start counting from scratch, well, its not worth it.
So I guess I will continue like almost nothing happened, since I still got my mind set on quitting.
It has created bit of a problem, since even those couple of tokes got my anxiety back, and today I just can't seem to sit in one place, I get restless, and I couldn't sleep much last night. Had some vivid dreams by morning.
My concentration is also worse then before, so Im not sure how much work I will get done today, but at least I'm sure I will not be smoking, not today, and not anytime soon.
The thing is, something like this would just get me to return to my habbit, thats how I did last couple of times I tried to quit, smoke with someone, then get a need to buy more, and after its wake and bake all over. Not this time. If anyone reads this, try to learn something from my slip. If you are committing to quit, smoking just that one time will feel weird and its not worth it. I did not believe it until I started reading about it, and when I think about it now, every time I smoked after a long break, it didn't feel so good, I just didn't think about it much since every other time I returned to my habbit and forgot how I felt that time I sliped.
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#8

Postby ScottMoore » Sat Aug 12, 2017 1:39 pm

Ouch, I feel for ya on that one.

I ran into a an old smoker friend the other day, we're old fishing buddies and I got invited to fish the Mississippi with him. I told him I was almost a month clean and he asked why.
Our smoker friends don't get it like we do. I don't think they ever will. It is, what it is I suppose.

I wanna go bad, but then again I don't wanna hide from life either.. I don't know if he'll abstain or not because of my decision, I mean it's his boat and I was invited.


I do not, will not smoke anymore, but I don't want to have unnecessary urges due to situations I've put myself in. It's a tuff one for sure.

SM
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#9

Postby sunshine24 » Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:50 pm

Hello Scott, tnx for posting. Just stay strong, its really worth it.
I myself have no problem with other people smoking, its their choice. But now I realized I should just avoid situations where people smoke, or when someone asks me to. Not forever, but at least for a while, until my head is in the right place, and I think I can just say no.
Thing is, I did say no on couple of occasions this month, but don't know what happened this time.
As for yourself, I would say don't even think about going. I don't even fish, but man, a river or even better lake, a boat, maybe couple of beers and for me that equals I would cave in for sure if someone around me smoked...
But its just not worth it, those things should be fun without weed, and since we got ourselves in a situation where we only have fun if we smoke, there is something terribly wrong that needs to be repaired.
In the back of my mind (fueled now by my lapse :) ), I honestly still think I will be able to moderate it in some way, some day... Maybe its just my addict brain trying to cope and cling on to it, and thats what I intend to find out. But I'm not lying to myself thinking that day will come tomorrow or anytime soon. Maybe it never will, and I should get myself okay with that.
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#10

Postby sunshine24 » Mon Aug 14, 2017 8:36 pm

This will be so f-ing hard ffs. Why can't I be like most people that have better control of their life? :/
I feel like its getting harder every day. Maybe its the relapse, but thoughts keep coming back... Or maybe because my dealer got back from his trip, so I know he is in town, and we go way back, he was my main source throughout my addiction.
Maybe I was just pretending being ok with quitting since he was not here, and now the real fight begins.
Its not so much that I crave, its just that last day or 2 I keep getting this thoughts I can maybe try moderation. I did try it countless times, it did not work, so evidence is there that this time nothing much has changed...

Guessing this is just part of my recovery path, but man its hard... For a month now I've been putting off seeing some people that called me to chillout and blaze, not sure how long I can do that, and maybe the best thing to do is just tell everyone we can hang out but I just can't smoke... I just still can't picture myself doing that, since most of my interactions for the last couple of years have been chilling out at mine or someones place, blazing into the night. I would just feel weird and left out. :/

Atm life is not great... But I will stick with it, I have a job interview in a month, I'm also applying to transfer to another college around that time, there will be some exams I still haven't prepared, a lot of work I haven't even started.
There is still time, and with some luck, hopefully everything goes according to plan, if it does, I think I would be able to do this. I know its hard now because even without withdrawal and me quitting, this is by far the hardest and most stressful part of my life. Its so easy to just give up everything right now, but I will not, and hopefully because of it I get a chance to get better in life.
If only I get this one lucky break, I will just cut all ties and be done with everything/everyone that was pulling me back all this time...
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#11

Postby mrprankies » Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:06 pm

I am really relating to your struggle right now. Many of my friends, people whose company I crave, are still heavy users. They are supportive of my decision, but you can tell they don't really "get it". If you hang out with them, you will be tempted, and many addiction programs would encourage you to avoid them. But it's painful to let go of those friendships, particularly when it is the majority of your social circle.

Maybe you can suggest some kind of activity with friends that would allow you to have fun without the aid of the drug. Some kind of field trip as opposed to hanging out at someone's house while every sits around getting high. I've found it's actually hard to coax many stoners out of that comfort zone, but it can be done. If you go to someone's house where everyone is just sitting around smoking, you are going to feel awfully left out. See if you can convince a friend or two to do something with you in the real world, instead.

You know in your heart of hearts that casual, part-time usage is not an option for you right now. I don't want to claim to know what your head space will be like in a year or two clean, but you are at a major crossroads right now. I think we both know exactly what will happen if you call your dealer or meet up with friends who are smoking. The most likely scenario is that all your progress will be lost, and you will find yourself back in the fog for untold months/years before getting back to where you are now. Until that gremlin of addiction is utterly slain--and who knows if it ever will be--you have to fight. It is clear from your writing that you know that gremlin is alive and well, and it continues to nag and justify why "just a taste" won't be a big deal. But it will be a big deal. It's just trying to get its foot in the door. Don't open the door.
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#12

Postby sunshine24 » Tue Aug 15, 2017 8:17 pm

Hello, thank you for taking the time to reply. Well, its not those friends I see often that I have problem with. Most of them I told I am quitting, so they kind of understand. I also told them I might be seeing them less in this first period, because Im really tempted when around weed, and even if they support or not, its just hard to be around it for now. Told most they can call me when they plan on doing some other activity, but in reality thats almost never since most friends I smoked with are hard stoners as well, and all activity involves weed in some way or another.
The problem I have is with that odd person that calls or I meet, someone who I haven't seen in a while, and with whom I mostly also smoked when we do eventually meet. :)
I think the best thing to do is try and avoid them, no matter how long it has been since we talked or seen each other, and if that means losing touch with someone along the way, so be it...
Maybe this is a period I should focus on myself, and put only myself and my well-being first. Even though it should be opposite, since its weed that caused me to distance myself from quite a lot of people and friends, this is a hard time for me and I don't think the answer is to over socialize, and why would I since I won't even be myself for a while.

On the other note, its been like almost month and a half, and almost nothing changed. I think this is very little so I didn't expect more. Cravings are there, but not the same as when I started, and when I quit previous times. There's just days that I just get the thoughts about "just this one time", but honestly I can't even think about how better I could have spent the money I already spent on weed, and how much I will save by just not smoking, not even this one time.
I think that might even be the biggest reason for my quit, aside of professional aspect and me getting better at it. I will save money just by not doing it, and thats a start. I don't even have to work more, and I will have more money to spend on whatever I want.
Weed just makes me content with what I have, that I delude myself I don't want anything more, but like everyone, I do want more.
sunshine24
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