Today is pot quit day

#15

Postby Cleanbeginning » Sat Aug 12, 2017 1:24 pm

Well I made it to a week.

Having the nursing program is good motivation because if I fail the drug test I'll probably get kicked out.

But it feels good to have a clear mind. I am preparing to have this big surgery on Monday and am stressed out of my mind. But the stress I feel clean is different than when I was high all the time. When I was high, the stress felt like this incredible frustration. And the way to ease it was to smoke more and try to accomplish some things. Now that I am clean, the stress feels more like an urgency, and the way to ease it is to accomplish some things, which I can do way more efficiently now. LOL.

When my mom got sick and moved in, in the summer of 2012, that's when I started smoking all day every day. Then my life continued to be scary, with my ex moving out, my sibling dying of a drug overdose, losing homeschooling and having to send my kids to public school, losing my financial security, starting my private practice. I was like a zombie, so afraid all the time, frozen, paralyzed. Soon pot wasn't enough and I added cigarettes and kept smoking them for 2 years before quitting in early June finally.

The pot helped keep me paralyzed, I can see that now. I am so much more effective without it.

I am still dealing with this bedbug nightmare, and I don't even know if I'll get the whole house set before monday morning's surgery. Literally all week I worked and cleaned the house, with two outings for fun two of the evenings.

My sleep is a little weird, and I am oddly exhausted. I am tired in a way I have not felt in a long time. Bone tired. I haven't gotten any exercise because my exercise has been cleaning and debugging.

The positive is, cannot IMAGINE if I discovered the bugs one week later, when recovering from surgery. What a total night mare that would have been!! So I am super super lucky that I realized what was happening and had a week to deal with it. I am off to home depot to rent a steamer, going to steam all my rugs and baseboards.

Normally I am a neat and clean person but again with this chaos of my last 4-5 years, that changed and my house slowly became cluttered and dirty. I am so happy that I have this chance to give a deep clean before surgery. it will feel good to have the place clean.

I need super human strength for the next four days of my life though. LOL
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#16

Postby naturegirl » Sat Aug 12, 2017 4:31 pm

Good job woman! The first week is a tough one. I'm glad that you are staying positive and continuing to focus on the positive changes. You do have a lot on your plate, but I see you're recognizing that it's better to deal with it with a sober mind. I know the sleep thing is a tough one for quite a long time. It will get easier with time. You just need to continue to hang in there. It is good that you have the nursing program to keep you accountable.

The bed bug problem is horrible. I have heard that they are incredibly difficult to get rid of. Keep on cleaning. Having a clean home is like creating a sea of calm.

Again, good luck with the surgery on Monday. Continue to be proud of your hard work and soldier on!!!!
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#17

Postby naturegirl » Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:53 pm

Hey woman! I hope your surgery goes well today, and that you are taking care of yourself. I just wanted you to know that you were on my mind and that I hope you are okay. Cheers, Heather
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#18

Postby Cleanbeginning » Sat Aug 19, 2017 4:13 pm

Heather, you really have a way of putting things into words! My mid 40s have been tough! But I do feel like I am ready to move past that paralyzed, deer-in-the-headlights part and into the next phase of my life.

I had my surgery this past Monday, so I am 5 days post op. I have to sit around and do nothing. My kids left last night and won't be back until Monday morning, so I have 3 nights on my own here. I am missing pot but at the same time I am not. I am happy that I am being forced to do this with a clear head. Even though I am bored and kind of sad, etc., I am not stoned. I am present. I have a problem with my foot and I have been researching that. Also have a few things I need to buy for nursing school so looking into that as well.

Anyway I just wanted to check in and say I am still here. I kind of feel like I am cheating because I have the nursing school drug test to keep me honest. I am not sure if I could do this if it wasn't for that. But I truly am enjoying being clear headed. There is a mental and physical heaviness that comes with being stoned that I do not miss.

Even though I quit smoking June 3, because I kept smoking pot until August 3, my lungs didn't clear as much as they would have. So now that today is 2 weeks with NO smoking of any kind, I am starting to cough. Which is a very bad thing with the pelvic floor surgery I just had! LOL. Hopefully my lungs will find a way to clear without me coughing too much.

My drug test could happen less than 4 weeks from my quit date, and almost certainly less than 6 weeks from it. So I am a little worried about that. My friend has some urine test strips so I will be able to see how I do. There is a possibility that they will do a blood test... I have no idea.

I just want to add that I can see how smoking pot added to my anxiety, depression and sense of being stuck and paralyzed. I thought it was helping but it was creating it. I am so much more motivated now. It's only been a few weeks but already I feel more confident in my ability to get things done and figure things out.

Off to catch up with all of your posts. Have a wonderful weekend.

xoxo
Cleanbeginning
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#19

Postby Cleanbeginning » Sun Aug 20, 2017 2:51 pm

Interesting that I had major surgery 6 days ago, and I am only taking ibuprofen for a headache that I suspect is caused by marijuana withdrawals....

Insomnia has set in also. Just trouble falling asleep initially, I seem to stay sleep ok once I fall asleep.

I am 16 days sober. I hope it alleviates soon.

I did take some oxycodone the first two or three days after surgery, but only a few each day. Maybe some effects from that too.

I am so bored. Thank God I have quit, I would have been smoking up a storm during this recovery. I am sure I saved myself several anxiety attacks about the odd pains I'm feeling during the recovery.

Cheers to a new, clean life. <3 <3 <3
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#20

Postby naturegirl » Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:45 pm

Cleanbeginning,
I'm sorry I haven't responded. I didn't see that you had written. I've been wondering about you. I'm glad that you are staying strong, and I would think after six weeks that you would be able to pass a drug test. I went to a birthday party last night with a lot of people smoking pot, and I felt good that I didn't want to participate. I talked to someone about quitting last night and they were really supportive. It is surprising how many fellow stoners will tell me that they've thought about quitting before or that they quit for a while but decided to smoke occasionally. My friend said that he never buys pot and only smokes when he is offered it which is usually at some social outing. It would be nice to have some kind of control over this habit. I know that I have to stay away from it period. If I even start, I know I'll just go off the rail.
I think I would be feeling better if I could get my blood sugar levels under control. They've been high in the morning which causes me to sleep horribly. I need to focus on my diet right now and get in a better habit of eating on a regular basis. I usually like to go all day without eating and then eat a big dinner which is no bueno when it comes to getting your sugar regulated. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm staying connected. I know that people don't always respond to people's posts, but that doesn't mean that people are not reading it.
I know what you mean about being bored. I love tuning out the world stoned and watching movies. Now, I do crossword puzzles or read a book or work on the yard. It's important to figure out a new schedule or routine. Stay strong and I'm proud of you. Cheers, Heather
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#21

Postby Cleanbeginning » Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:25 pm

Hi everyone,
I tried to write a few times and lost my posts. For some reason I can't post on my phone.

Today is 3 weeks pot free!!

I am very happy.

I'm also day 11 post op. Still healing but a little better every day.

Not sure how wise it was to wait to quit so close to surgery, as I cannot exercise for two weeks. But here I am. I need to focus on what I can do.

So the night before last, I had a short dream that I remember.

I opened a door to find my late brother standing there. He looked great and had a big smile, and he hugged me. He looked different, and in the dream I understood that he looked like he would have if he'd never been sick. He was a longtime prescription drug abuser who died at age 50 after multiple overdoses over a one year period. It was a brutal death.

I still have bad days where I really miss pot. I don't think that pot helped me with anxiety and depression as much as I thought. My anxiety so far is much less, however my depression is about the same. A little post op depression is normal I guess. And I have just generally been depressed for a while. So I guess that is to be expected.

I have orientation for nursing school on Tuesday. There will be a math quiz and I am studying.... In a way the timing for my quit was good because I have a lot going on to keep my mind occupied.

I have begun wondering how long it will be until my brain heals and the canniboid receptors or whatever they are begin acting like normal again. I know pot affects dopamine action in our bodies so I am eager for my dopamine to be back to normal. :)

It's a beautiful Saturday and I am not stoned, and I'm grateful to have you all to commisserate with you.
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#22

Postby naturegirl » Sat Aug 26, 2017 9:14 pm

Wow, time flies. That is great to hear. I know that I'm about a month and a half into this and it's taking a while for my brain to have clarity, but I'm slowly starting to feel it happen. And yes, I don't think that pot helps us with depression. I actually think it makes us more depressed. I personally feel the whole reason we smoke is to not deal with life and to numb our minds. I am pretty stoked that I hung out with a group of buddies and I told them to go outside with me and they could smoke. I'm totally comfortable around people who smoke pot, and I'm not even tempted to try it. I know that I really want to experience truly mental clarity and see how I feel. I think I've spent way too much time tuning the world out. I'm much more out going now that I'm pot free. It's a tough one. I've smoked for so long, and it's always been a around me.

I also know what you mean about the dreams. I have had a few people who have in the past come to visit me in my dreams. It's pretty strange or surreal because they seem so alive. I know your brother would be proud of you. Keep up the hard work and yes, it's good to be in school and to use that brain. It sounds like you're in a good place with life right now. Keep that in mind and keep being good to yourself. This is a slow process. It's a slow transformation. It's key that we stay positive and to not expect too much at one time. Have a great weekend!
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