Girlfriend situation

Postby Blessed1 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:06 pm

Hello All,

My girlfriend that I love shares a lot about her previous relationship. And also recently she shared with me that her ex boyfriend mother called her to say hello and that she missed my girlfriend.

How to know if she still has feelings for him?

She says she doesn't, but there is usually a reference of him on a weekly basis.

Thank you for your advance.
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#1

Postby Blessed1 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:38 pm

Blessed1 wrote:Hello All,

My girlfriend that I love and want to marry but she shares a lot about her previous relationship. And also recently she shared with me that her ex boyfriend mother called her to say hello and that she missed my girlfriend.

Periodically her ex calls or sends a text which she doesn't respond to.

How to know if she still has feelings for him?

She says she doesn't, but there is usually a reference of him on a weekly basis.

Thank you in advance for your advice.
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Wed Aug 23, 2017 1:10 pm

I think the most immediate question in my mind is how long ago did she breakup with her previous boyfriend and how long have the two of you been together? Did she drop him and start going out with you all very recent?
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#3

Postby Blessed1 » Wed Aug 23, 2017 7:35 pm

It has been over a year since the split.

I don't want to over analyze a particular situation, but I care for her very deeply and dont want to waste time if she is not completely over her last situation.

Thanks
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#4

Postby adjai » Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:09 am

Hi.

She is in relationship with you. It means that she has some feelings for you. It's the only thing you should think about and take into account. It's the only and the most important point. No matter if she has some feelings for he ex boyfriend or not. You can't do with those feelings anything. The only thing you can do is to make your and her relationship much stronger, so as to overwhelm her possible residual feelings for her ex.

The fact, that she mentions about her ex regularly is actually bad sign. It's the signal for you. It means that the memories of her past with her ex boyfriend are more vivid and spectacular then her present with you. You should ponder about your relationship and decide what you can do to diversify them and fill them with vivid emotions. Think about planning some mutual events, trips or any other activity, which can fill her with blissfull emotions. This emotions will be associated with her new relationship and with you.

Try not to concern about her feelings for ex boyfriend, try to think more about how you can strengthen her new feelings for you.

Good Luck! That's up to you! Put some guts into it!
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#5

Postby Blessed1 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 12:41 am

Thank you Adjai.

I agree with what you mentioned about focusing on our relationship and I have.

We have made some fond memories within the last few months. Trip, Dinners, Events, etc.

I will also monitor how often her past is mentioned without negativity.

Thank you very much again for your advice.
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#6

Postby laureat » Thu Aug 24, 2017 1:49 am

could you possible reject the conversation by simply telling i dont need to know about your x relationships?

Yes you could , so why didnt you do that?

So you allowed her tell the stories but somewhere you was like : why is she telling me all that?
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#7

Postby Blessed1 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 2:35 am

I did say after we had discussed the disappointment of her past relationship that I don't want to hear about this person.

But she is very open and would tell me if someone would call or text. I wanted to handle the situation which would cause more of a stressful situation.

My girlfriend told the person to stop all communications.
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#8

Postby Livetowin » Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:54 am

Blessed1 wrote:It has been over a year since the split.

I don't want to over analyze a particular situation, but I care for her very deeply and dont want to waste time if she is not completely over her last situation.

Thanks


If it's been over a year since her split, then she has not reconciled the situation properly. I have two rules in life - I only control myself and I do not let others define me. I have to always know where I stand and whether it's where I want to be whether it finds agreement with others or not. We all have to live with ourselves before we do time with anyone else, so being content inside is very important.

As a rule, someone who is looking back can not be making informed choices about what is in front of them. So rather than getting lost in the maze of where her intentions lie or how much you think you might care for her, look at the situation for what it is. You have someone who is unable to make basic decisions about what to put to bed or keep on the table.

Who cares if the ex's mom is calling her? Why should she care? All she has to do is tell her, " It's always good to hear from you, but I do want you to realize I've put my relationship with your son behind me and I'm moving on. I appreciate your kind words and will always think warmly of you when I see you." End of story.

Terminated relationships should not be a living document, that get reopened and reexamined every time someone from that circle pops into the picture. What will she be unsure of next? How will she react when the two of you get into an argument? Will that rock her delicate world so that she needs to go talk to someone else? Maybe her ex?

Relationships are never about running a perfect race. Everyone brings their faults to the table and we have to work through them to see if we are compatible. But you also don't buy a new car with no tires on it either. I'm sure you didn't start dating this girl to become a psychiatrist part time. So you need to ask yourself some pretty basic questions. Is this the kind of hand holding you were looking for or are you delaying the inevitable?

Are you in her life to make her feel better about herself so she can go back to him? So make sure you understand where YOU stand in this. Relationships are not one way delivery systems. She needs to be there for you and at least have some reasonable explanation for being with you besides helping her deal with her past. So ask yourself these honest questions and decide if this is where you want to stay. I doubt her dysfunctional issues will dry up if she quits talking about her ex. Being indecisive about obvious issues is typically a sign of bigger problems ahead. I wish you all the best.
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#9

Postby Blessed1 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:08 pm

Everything you said is very profound. I am taking heed of the advice and listening very well.

I have told her if there is anything left there to please go. Because I do not have to time waste. She said there's is nothing there, but I am watching actions as well as words.

Every relationship has something to learn from.

I thank you very much for all of your advice!
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