Detox From Weed - Started as Early Teen - Life Questions

Postby Deff » Tue Aug 22, 2017 2:44 am

Hi All,

Really have never been one to share my emotions or look to others for answers - but am currently struggling. I am on day 14 of no smoking weed or tobacco and haven't quite felt anything like it before.

My condensed story is as follows:
I started smoking weed at the age of 13 I am 25 (almost 26) now. Puberty hit me pretty hard is really the only explanation I have been able to come up with. I thought that it would be "cool" to smoke - so I started. I wasn't a daily/habitual user until the age of 15, when I had my first knee surgery/infection, and have no clue why I continued to smoke and experiment with drugs. Rehab#1 (outpatient) happened at age 16. I wasn't "hooked" on anything but was experimenting with anything I could get my hands on, cocaine, oxy's, ecstasy, you name it and wasn't being careful about it either. I wanted to do more than anyone around and be "bad donkey." Never stopped using and gradually became angry, hateful, and jaded. Rehab #2 (inpatient) came along when my parents had had enough and were scared for my future as I dropped out of high school. This time I went through withdrawals from oxy's pretty hard. I eventually got clean and moved out to a ranch to learn "life skills." I felt good and 6 months later moved back to southern California - this is the last time I would feel good. I then went to Junior College and transferred to UCSD and graduated with honors and now have a job in private equity that I worked very hard for. College years were used to "prove to the world that I could be successful in life while doing whatever I wanted." My parents had told me otherwise my whole life. I lived a fake life is the best way I can put it. I partied did drugs and got belligerently stoned when I could. I thought to myself "hey I hav a then fiance and had a great job everything is great" - to anyone who didn't know me life looked grand. I even stopped using hard drugs (mdma at the time, the toll on my body was too much) and thought that smoking weed was fine.
Life hit hard a year and half ago. I called off my wedding 2 weeks before it was supposed to happen - long story but condensed version is her family didn't like me. Every other aspect was great but seemed silly to go into a marriage with that. There are a loooooot more details but that is the jist. It hurt and started smoking a ton and using wax to literally sedate myself to the point of passing out. Somehow I through all of this I continued to pursue my passion - rock climbing. I was climbing foolishly, suicidily without a rope on routes I had no business on. I survived somehow.
About 3 months ago I began to wonder if I had ever dealt with the trauma from my last relationship. As I began pondering this it hit me. Did my brain ever develop? Have I ever matured or dealt with any issues in my life (there are more I left out as this is getting wordy)? I finally decided to QUIT smoking and see what feeling sober is like!
Holy sh**...... There are actually withdrawals. Insomnia, sweats, anxiety, restlessness, body numbness, nausia, body aches, and fever. I was not expecting this.
Another life crisis hit - I developed blood clots in my lungs and chest. I had vascular thoracic outlet syndrome (constriction of artery and vein in you chest cavity) from all of the rock climbing I have done. I spent a week in the ICU at the hospital allowing the clots to clear. I then hit rock bottom while I waited for a surgery to correct the issue. I couldn't face life. I smoked more than I ever have to sedate all feelings I had while I waited for my surgery. I thought to myself "I will just make my surgery date my quit date." This is what I did.

I am 100% never going to smoke again but dang this is hard. So many thoughts swimming in my "cloudy" head. Do I even know who I am? What happens when I am sober for longer than 6 months? I have never known this person in my adult life. If I am honest it horrifies me - but I am so determined to find a sober life and truly discover myself.

Does anyone have a similar story or any words of advice on how to tackle these life questions? I don't feel I need "counseling" as I am successful etc.... (not trying to sound cocky). But damn have I ever felt so lost - wandering aimlessly with no purpose in life. I don't want this to sound like a pity party. I don't feel bad for myself - I dug this whole.

I will be posting on a weekly basis of my progress, both on detoxing from weed and discovering a new life, from this point forward - just writing this now seems to help. I would love to find others either quitting smoking with a similar timeline as me to walk through the journey!!
Deff
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#1

Postby Gitana » Thu Aug 24, 2017 7:40 am

Welcome to the tribe Deff - your path doesnt seem easy but you seem to have resolve, motivation and good reasons to stop.
The bad news is that regardless of how we got there, getting out of it is just a one day at time process - so regular posting on this site is for sure a good way to monitor this gradual process.
It s not easy but quite simple actually, that s the good news.
Looking forward to following your journey!
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#2

Postby Deff » Tue Aug 29, 2017 1:37 am

Gitana - thank you for the kind words and advice above. Boy are you right about one day at a time..... Not sure time has ever gone this slow EVER!
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#3

Postby Deff » Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:04 am

Well I limped into week 3 and will begin week 4. Positive news is that I am 21 days clean.

This was a hard week for me in multiple ways. I am currently interviewing for new jobs and dealing with the amount of stress and anxiety during this process has been hard to say the least. I feel as if my mind needs time to relearn how to deal with these issues as I failed the 2 interviews I had this week - disappointed in myself. I am of the opinion that my brain will be going through lots of changes and will need to rewire itself - any comments on this?

My motor skills in my brain seem as though they are completely messed up, at least 99% of the time. At a few points during the week I felt sharp for 30 minutes and then would turn into a babbling mess - stumbling over words, stopping mid sentence, and could not formulate thoughts clearly. Is this really part of the process? I really hope this cloud in my brain is not permanent.

Sleep was decent for 4 days this week. The other 3 not so much. I fall asleep fine but will wake up after 4 hours of sleep on the dot. I believe the key is not taking naps and hard cardiovascular exercise. THANK GOD my surgeon cleared me to run this week. I am trying to focus on positives. I only had this surgery 3 weeks ago and he was impressed with my recovery and cleared me for activity. The anxiety is literally killing me, I constantly feel like I need to be doing something, fidgety, butterflies in my stomach, and time goes by so slow. These 21 days feel like months of my life. Does anyone have advice on this or is it a one day at a time deal?

I was reminded why I need to permanently quit my habit this week. Both times I was rejected for jobs the very first thought in my head was to get high. I hate rejection and need to learn to live outside of my fantasy world in my head. I immediately went for a run and meditated to correct my thoughts. It helped but was not a perfect fix. Suggestions are welcome here.

I will continue to fight and battle my way to a happy healthy life and will cling to the few positives in my life at the moment. Focusing on a bright future and remembering the reasons why I am quitting is important.

Thanks for any replies or taking the time to read I appreciate it and will be back in a week.
Deff
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#4

Postby Furtive » Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:14 am

You're doing well, just need to keep going at being sober.

All that turbulence and worry about life's big questions will settle down with time.

I found after a while of hard, cold, scary self-rejection I was able to reclaim stuff back from the 'box' of stoned life I'd rejected.

Think of it this way - you saturated your thc receptors. You have to wait for them to normalise before you can get the right reward from running and be back in your right mind.

But the hardest bit is over. :)
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#5

Postby Flucktoo » Mon Sep 04, 2017 12:32 pm

Keep us all updated on here, I'm going through the same kind of sh** and your progress will keep us going :)
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#6

Postby Trustguy » Mon Sep 04, 2017 4:29 pm

Hello everyone :)

Im on this way to and we really should get medal for this :) heheh

Im now 8month clean and I still have some mood swings..(mild anxiety,mild dizziness,strange vision on time to time,tired on the afternoons,and cant sleep at night some days)but from 100% pain and creepy feeling im now on just 40% bad felling so its going on better,still got ringing in ears everyday but i see improvement...
SO warriors just keep in there it will all go away in time,im helping myself with omega3,magnesium,B vitamins

Sorry for my bad English :)
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#7

Postby ScottMoore » Tue Sep 05, 2017 10:10 pm

I really relate to your story Deff. The wax, the sedation level, the reasons etc.

My problem at your stage, about a month in, was the way I became supercritical. Overwhelmed. The extreme never ending amount of details. I couldn't step back and mentally breath. I didn't reward as I should I believe.
You sound like you have the right mind going into it. Keep strong and keep your guard up. Also keep posting and writing, it helps.


SM
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#8

Postby Deff » Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:20 pm

Hi all thanks for your words of encouragement.

Unfortunately I completely fell off the sober band wagon last Friday - Monday. I though it would be possible to go out and casually drink with a few buddies at a baseball game and did OK the first night. However, this turned into a 3 day binge drinking fest, rationalized smoking then proceeded to smoke a bowl both Sunday and Monday - "the hangovers were to much" or so I thought at the time.... So here I am back with 3 clean days under my belt and will begin my journey again. MAN is it demoralizing all of the hard work and progress just shot down a toilet! The insomnia came back the crazy, almost unbearable amounts of anxiety and the sweating. Does anyone know if just two small bowls will set me back completely back to square one or will the first two weeks be more mild (I had 28 days clean)?

The hardest part is before I smoked I knew I would hate myself for it, but did it anyways. I am starting to believe there are more underlying issues here causing the heavy marijuana usage and binge drinking. I get to a month sober and then lose my mind.

However, I am just as determined as before - albeit really bummed I screwed up and can only say I am 3 days clean. I am doing my best not to beat myself up over this blunder... Anyways I will continue posting my journey on a weekly basis and really appreciate the words of encouragement on this forum - you guys rock!
Deff
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#9

Postby Deff » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:55 pm

10 days clean and man..... It hurts just as bad as last time. Just two bowls of smoking completely set me back. As I am typing this I can barely keep my eyes open from the exhaustion. On the positive side things should begin to get marginally better in a few days if my progress continues as prior to my relapse.

The depression, second guessing all of my actions, and thoughts of everything I have done wrong in my life continue to dominate my thoughts. It is not making quitting any easier. As soon as I stop any activity whether it be working out or work my brain floats and brings up all of the nightmares of my past and how I screwed up relationships. It hurts and am hoping this goes away soon. I do not like being sad and dark - this just isn't me. Not sure how correlated all of this is but have now been single for the longest part of my life with no end in sight. It almost seems as if my whole personality (especially charisma) and demeanor has changed. Not sure if this is fixable.

I am feeling really sluggish this week and my brain feels like it is working in sticky molasses. My sleep has returned to somewhat normal activity 5-6 hours a night.

I think that the anxiety I am experiencing is the underlying issue to all of my problems. I become restless with a racing brain, can't focus, butterflies in my stomach - then my thoughts turn dark (as above) and I contemplate the purpose of life and what the f*** the point is - then I become extremely fatigued and tired with cloudy thoughts.... Repeat. Is this part of the process or can anyone second having symptoms like this?

Not such a great week this time around but am sticking to the plan and will be back in a week to claim 17 days clean.

deff
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