Not sure where all this fits

Postby harrison » Mon Aug 28, 2017 3:40 am

So I began by planning to post under anger management, but in reality I must admit I'm far more messed up than just that. I'll just go through things separately and in h no particular order.

1. My anger has always been slow to build but explode when I got to my limit. However, when I was younger, I exploded once every few years. Now, in my late 30s, I'm exploding once every two or three months. And when I say explode, I go off. Once I put 12 holes in the walls of our home. Another time I threw a spare tire through the back window of my own car. I've smashed iPads, computers and cell phones. I've pushed my wife out of the way, I've threatened her, I've even hit her two times. Both times she went and got a knife to threaten me before I exploded. Right now, I'm on diversion for breaking a car mirror.

I'm normally a very calm guy that is very open minded about people and things. I have my interests that I enjoy. I have a job I love doing. My family is awesome. My kids are amazing. I am an introvert and prefer avoiding crowds, noise and long social interactions. Those things tend to overwhelm me and make me very anxious and irritable.

But when I'm pushed, as my wife knows how to do very well, I get defensive. 99.9% of the time, I stay calm and Zen. That 0.1% though is awful. I say and do unspeakable things. I've made up so many lies just to hurt my wife's feelings, I can't begin to list them here.

When an episode begins, it happens very suddenly. I feel my temperature rise a few degrees then I snap and go to surface of the sun hot. I often forget much of what happens during these episodes. I do know that my concept of consequence goes out the window. I have zero forethought beyond 30 seconds into the future. I have threatened suicide and have even attempted once.

2. Addiction problems are something I've had since probably 5 years old. I was addicted to nicotine then and still am 30 some years later. I don't smoke nor chew. I use nicotine pills. WAAY more than is recommended. Given the opportunity to drink alcohol away from my family, I have overdosed and certainly binge drink whenever possible to hide it. I have stolen prescription medication. I am always searching for a way to feel good/not hurt... even though there really isn't any physical ailment afflicting me.


So, I guess my questions are many. Should I be locked up? Should I be on medication? What the heck is wrong with me? I'm like a monster and I hate it. I just want to be normal and love my family without the drama.
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#1

Postby Calm » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:09 pm

Hi Harrison,

I was just going through the Unanswered topics and see that this one's been sitting idle since August. Yikes. Hope you are doing ok and have found some resolution since you posted this.

You are not a monster : ) You are a human who has some anger and addiction issues. All is resolvable. Let me know if you are still in the same place and still looking for a hand with things. I don't want to go off on a tangent if you are in a different place.

Sending peace.
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#2

Postby laureat » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:36 pm

the problem you have: is that you are a little obsessive so you build up frustration and the only way you know how to get rid of all that is by "exploding"

there are better ways to get rid of frustration: which you should be aware about
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#3

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:16 pm

Hi Harrison,

I am sorry you are in pain. I truly felt your pain reading your well written comment. I hope you are OK. I hope you find a solution.

I think your wife will put the number of abuse and anger opposite. I think she will say you are seething or exploding at 99% and at quiescence at about 1%. You see it this way because this is how you see it yourself. But in reality, if this was the case, you would not be here and you would not have any problems in this area. That is the normal and healthy way. So you see yourself normal and healthy and yet you listed things no normal and healthy person does...so one of the statement must be wrong? I think the numbers are wrong.

You were getting angry and explosive when you were younger (in longer intervals) cause you did not have control. Now you have control over your wife, your children, and your physical body so you feel the right to explode justified. There are no parents who may ground you or abuse you or kick you out. It is your house and your rules and you are entitled to behave this way....YOU NOTICE YOU DO NOT DO THIS AT WORK! because you have no power there....if you did, you will be fired so you contain yourself...then you go home and you are free to abuse, bully and go crazy!

MY ADVISE TO YOU IS THIS: Trauma therapy. You have symptoms of CPTSD. Something major happened to you and you are getting older and old issues are coming to the surface. BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR FAMILY AND JOB, it is better to join a group of men who have similar issues (if there are none...start one at Meetup) and find solution to your problem. You need to vent, share your pain through your mouth and stop this cycle before you pay the ultimate price - going to jail for domestic abuse.

If this is not doable, SEE A THERAPIST ALONE!

I am very concerned for you. I think the fact you did not come back here is worrisome. or maybe after you read what you wrote, a light bulb went on! I truly think you are treatable. You have more to lose to this anger. You have more to gain and maintain (happy children) by losing.

I think all that anger, there is a little abused or neglected or abandoned boy. Try to see that boy and get him help ASAP.

There is a great website called Pete Walker...google and hope you find some resonance there.

I cannot link it: Pete Walker about CPTSD.

He has a book too that can save your life.
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#4

Postby harrison » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:23 pm

Folks, I want to sincerely thank you for your thoughts and advice. I have not been perfect since posting that in Aug, but I haven't done anything too outlandish. I do still have my job. My marriage is all but disintegrated though. I've completed all the mandatory items on my diversion and basically waiting for that to be over. I was recommended for an anger management course, so I'm sure that'll be added to my diversion stipulations.

So, two days ago, I got an attitude with my wife for getting really pissy with me for no reason that I could see. She got upset and said I had no business even having an attitude, then she kicked me out of the house. Told me to grab some things and leave. I maintained calm very well, despite her yelling at me the entire time I packed a box full of clothes and grabbed toilettries, etc. She was mad that I wasn't faster. Finally, I raised my voice to tell her that her yelling wasn't helping, but still maintained distance and calm demeanor. When I went to the storage room to grab a suitcase, she followed and grabbed a bottle of bleach. She followed me back to the bedroom yelling at me to hurry up. Once there, I was just putting the last few items in the suitcase when she opened the bottle of bleach and poured it all over my stuff in the suitcase. I quickly grabbed the bottle and tried to take it from her. She resisted, so I jerked the bleach out of her hands. In the process, bleach got all over her. I'm just dumbfounded at this point. Who has the anger issue here? Really? I did nothing to deserve bleach. I had been calm and avoided being disrespectful. I was trying to quickly grab what I needed and leave, but her interjections made that impossible.

So, anyway, life just got harder. I'm so disappointed. I'm seriously thinking I might want to consider separating from my wife. She's so resentful towards me that she's unable to keep a grip on herself now. I've created my own personal hell. I'm either tip toeing around her to make sure she's happy or getting the full force of hell's fury rained down upon me for the smallest things.

I really want to go to therapy. I do. Right now, I'm managing the stress with lots of pills and alcohol to be perfectly honest. I know this isn't who I am. I hardly recognize myself anymore. I'm going to read up on Pete Walker and find his book. I think it's beyond question now. I need help. Thank you all again for just being awesome human beings. I pray you have great things happen in your lives.
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#5

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:31 pm

I do not know why your wife did what she did but a common sense tells me few things:

All the anger you have shown over the years impacts others around you...so maybe she is flibbing over just like you are!
This is like the chicken and the egg which one came first...your anger or her anger? Did you meet a woman who was just as angry as you or did you meet woman who put up with your anger until she lost it?

Only you know and at this point it does not matter.

In any case, drinking is not helping you psychologically or financially...and you said nothing about your children.

I hope you find therapy...even free group therapy...even AA (I do not believe them much) but being around those who are sober and talking about how deep you can fall into the well may help you.

I still sense you are not fully awaken and taking responsibility and focused on the wife....

I can tell you with 100% if the wife dies today, you will be just as angry. The anger seed is from before your wife. Your wife is just a poke on a wound because you said it yourself, you had same thing before it is only becoming more...well most diseases are the same...they start small and with a bad life style, they get bigger!
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#6

Postby harrison » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:49 pm

I'm sure you're correct Infinite. I still deny the extent to which I've damaged things and others around me. It's been painful these last year in the marriage. I have honestly tried my absolute hardest to fix myself, to be a better husband and father. Instead of making progress and improving our marriage, it has only gotten worse. I see it in my wife's eyes. Every week she hates me, despises me a little more. To see that developing and being completely powerless to fix it has been devastating and I don't like to admit all that pain I see is my fault. I hate seeing the one I love getting hurt by me and unable to stop it!

As for anger sources from earlier in life, is have to say the most traumatic thing I had to learn toi deal with was my brother. He got spinal meningitis when he was 6 weeks old and after a year of ICU, he lived but just barely and not without very severe brain injury. He was left a quadraplegic and unable to speak. He suffered roughly 7 seizures every day, bad ones. I remember very clearly being so angry at God for letting him get hurt like that, to never once know what it is like to walk or talk. I still harbor a lot of anger towards God for that. THEN...34 years later my daughter gets injured during surgery and has 9 strokes, losing a lot of motor control to the point she couldn't hold get head up when she came home. She was perfectly normal before that. Those two things have been an ongoing point of pain for me throughout my life.
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#7

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:54 pm

Do it quick Harrison...finding help. That was a lot of pain for a child (you) around the pain of your brother! your anger and not being able to process it as achild is palpable!

You are relatively still young. You can stop the crazy train to become your daughter or your other child becoming like you!

You may lose the wife (or not) she has to get her own help in her own time, but I truly believe the best gift in the world is healthy parent for your children.

good luck
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#8

Postby harrison » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:56 pm

Thank you Infinite. I will.
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#9

Postby Calm » Wed Nov 01, 2017 4:48 pm

Wow, the bleach thing is crazy. You must have been so stunned that it got that bad. But the writing was actually on the wall. You two have had a lot of years of festering dynamics.

I totally agree with Infinite that the anger is not about your wife. It's a seed. You have it and your wife has it. We all have it, in fact, to greater and lesser degrees. We have to learn how to manage it and how to eventually uproot it. Totally possible. Our minds are extremely malleable (and they are the source of how we see things and respond to things).

You've been sitting on a of mountain of stuff (i.e., your bro and then your daughter) and it would definitely do you a world of good to get help, talk about it, reflect, understand the root of the pain. Just to shine a little light on something that is clearly unresolved and clearly causing problems.

But the first thing to do, IMHO, is to get help with the pills and the alcohol. Because that, my friend, is the biggest problem you have. It's making e v e r y t h i n g worse: your anger and frustration, your relationships with everyone, your pain (you get temporary relief, but your head's even more of a mess), your inability to understand what's going on, your feeling of hopelessness.

And I would start with AA. Why? Because it's everywhere, it's free, and you'll meet people there who won't think you are a freak AT ALL : ) I quit drinking 10+ years ago and I cannot tell you how much better everything got. It's not easy, but it is SUCH a relief to have clarity and peace of mind and the INTEGRITY of knowing that you are not creating problems for yourself and others but are living a solution.

I had no interest in going to AA (I was kind of anti) but I got wrangled into it and I'm so glad I did. I would not be here writing this if I hadn't gone and done my stupid 90 (meetings) in 90 days. Is AA perfect? Hell no. I'm no cheerleader for it, but I do think it saves lives. And the steps are brilliant (everyone should work them!) Plus the support is VITAL if you seriously want to turn this around.

You can do it, man! Just decide to.

Sending peace,
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#10

Postby harrison » Wed Nov 01, 2017 5:17 pm

Calm, many many thanks for that. I know the pills are the worst part. Yes, they dull the pain but I do lose clarity like you said and I then get frustrated more easily. They're not helping. I can't go cold turkey. The withdrawal shock would likely send me to the ER. So, I'm stepping it down starting today. Cutting to half for 3 days, then 1/4 for 3 days then off for good. I can't let that go on anymore. As for the drinking, already quit yesterday. Just riding that out cold turkey. I really hadn't done it long (like 2 days hard core, but nothing else before that for literally weeks).

Regardless, I think you both are right. I need to find some folks I can talk to you. Be it AA or a counselor or whatever, I need to talk to someone.

Thank you again Calm. I'm taking everything you all have to say to heart here. You are my sole friends right now.
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#11

Postby Calm » Wed Nov 01, 2017 6:02 pm

Hi Harrison,

Might be wise to get a hand with the tapering down of the pills. Can you afford some kind of an outpatient detox? If you've been on them a while, it's likely you need a medical hand. Are they opiates?

Check out AA of NA in your area RIGHT NOW : ) Just pull up the website. See where and when there is a meeting near you. Get to a meeting as soon as you can. It will be really good for you, even if just so you can feel like you are doing something about things, and so you can see that you are not alone and that there is support our there, right near you.

Be open minded (I was rolling my eyeballs at my first meeting!) Funny to look back. I had to go to a lot of them before I got it how helpful it was (and what a mess I was in). I was pretty smug and thought I wasn't that bad off ; )

Please let us know how things are going. Brilliant that this forum exists.

Be well.
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#12

Postby Calm » Sun Nov 05, 2017 9:46 am

How are you Harrison?

We're rooting for you over here.

Let us know.
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#13

Postby harrison » Tue Nov 07, 2017 5:50 am

Hi Calm, thank you for checking on me. Let's see, I have so much I want to say but I highly doubt any of it will be interesting to anyone. I'm going to just tell the story because honestly I think it'll just feel good to get it out. Don't feel obligated to read it though.

Let's see.. after the bleach incident, I moved to my office for a couple days. Spoke to my wife off and on. Lots of anger both ways. Lots of talk of divorce. Finally, on day 2, my wife sent an email saying I needed to come take care of the kids. When I got home, she told me she had taken something like 420 mg of oxycontin. I tried to take her to the hospital but she wouldn't go. So between playing with the kiddos, I watched her. She told me after awhile that she'd taken 240 mg instead of 420mg. She actually got through it pretty quickly. So I stayed on the couch that night and the next night. We decided to stop the nonsense and work on our marriage together. I tried to get back to normal but tensions were still there.

On Friday, we took a little family trip out of town to a nearby city. We actually had a pretty good 2 days. Then on day three, she came unglued at me for being lazy and not getting out of bed quick enough. She basically said she'd go get breakfast sarcastically, i didn't pick up the sarcasm and said that would be nice and that set it all off. We argued the whole way home on that Sunday. I was seriously ready for divorce Sunday night but she again talked me out of it as she had done on that night she'd taken so many oxycontin. This time she just talked though.

After things had calmed down Sunday evening, she suggested we meet with her divorce attorney to just see what divorce would be like. I said i was not interested.

This morning, Monday, she came out if the bedroom and said she'd thought it over and wanted us to see the attorney today. I didn't say anything. She later recalled this and and blamed me for lying to her and really actually wanting a divorce.

I was sick and came home from work early. In essence, I spent the entire day denying various accusations that I was making snide comments and having an attitude. In fact, I worked very hard to put up a Christmas tree (while feverish and nauseous) and play with the children to show i was ready to be a part of the family again.

This evening, I opened up to her that I was depressed. I am at a stand still in my career due to funding issues at the state level. My marriage is in the toilet. I had a new small business I was starting that I was actually excited about but she put her foot down that if I pursued I'd be effectively saying I wanted a divorce. So I had to halt that. Now I have a marriage even worse off, a crappy job I qualified for 15 years ago and nothing else. I'm depressed, sick and tired of fighting off accusation after accusation.

To give you an exemplary example of the sort of accusations i have to fend off every 5 mins, earlier this evening my wife brought up a comment I made during an argument. Basically, I said I don't go out with friends anymore because I don't want to have to deal with the accusations and the hour-long interrogation I go through whenever I used to go out on rare occasions. She said that was a lie. I said we should do an experiment then. I'll go out Thursday evening and we'll see what happens when i get home. She accused me of hiding something and setting this whole argument up so that i could go out and not have any questions. I told her that behavior she just displayed was what i was referring to, the wild accusations and even the conspiracy theories. I finally reminded her that she brought the subject up in the conversation so the idea that I set this all up was laughable. She stuck by her accusations and, I'm certain, will be quite grumpy come Thursday if i actually go out. (I haven't gone out with friends in years actually... for the exact reason i stated to her. It was just not worth it. I would meet a friend for a beer after work, then have a pissed off wife the rest of the night asking a trillion questions and making all sorts of accusations if couldn't give her EXACT details about every part of the evening, and I mean the EXACT words someone used when they said something kind of details.)

She tried to help me with my depression at one point this evening. Basically, after telling her why I was depressed, she said it was all my fault and I shouldn't be depressed because it was my fault. I felt so much better after that. Wow. So much better now. Ugh.

I'm tired of fending off the nonstop ridiculous accusations. I'm done. I don't know if I can keep doing this. If I leave though, she's made it very clear that she's going to lie to my diversion officer and say I hit her so I go to prison for a year. It's starting to sound like a better place than here though. What the hell do I do?

So once again, I'm on the couch. She's pissed off and in the big bed.
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#14

Postby Calm » Tue Nov 07, 2017 11:51 am

Hey Harrison,

Post read in full : )

Seems like your relationship has had these elements for a very long time (the mistrust from her, the mutual resentment and frustration, etc.) and that they've been left unaddressed for so long that they've gotten quite out of control. You are both pushed to your limits right now. Not a pretty sight, I can imagine ; )

Something needs to change, obviously. There's a back and forth reactive dynamic that is just making things worse for both of you, and undoubtedly for the kids who are sharing this tense and unfriendly environment with you.

Divorce may be the only solution, since it's gone on for so long, but it's not a bad idea to try couples counseling. It will bring things to the surface. There is clearly a lot of unspoken stuff, a lot of assumptions, expectations, things not expressed. And all this will kill any relationship.

Couples counseling is a brilliant way to make things clear and find harmony. Whether or not the relationship continues would depend on what comes up there. But for the sake of both of your hearts and minds (not to mention the kids!) it makes sense to try to find harmony, even if it means separating in a harmonious way. Can you investigate resources in your area?

Of course, she has to be on board, but you might propose it to her in this light (that for the sake of the kids it would be a good idea to at least break up harmoniously if you are going to break up). Why did you not want to meet with her divorce lawyer? Because it was HER lawyer and you'd like someone more neutral?

It's tricky because she wants you there and doesn't want you there, and you want to be there but don't want to be there! One thing is for sure, she is definitely not the person to go to for support on feeling depressed right now : ) It's all just too loaded.

IMHO, depression often stems from trying to look at the big picture of our lives when we are feeling down. We are trying to crawl out and feel better, but we start adding all kinds of "problems" to the mix and then we just feel trapped and hopeless. Especially when we lack support. Try not to look at your whole life right now. Just look at what's right in front of you and what you can do to take some steps in a positive direction.

Is it possible that part of the depression and being sick is related to either taking pills/booze or tapering down? How's that going? Again, regardless of how messed up your situation feels, the pills make everything worse and are your starting point for remedying this situation. Don't doubt that. Get your donkey to a meeting! What are you waiting for?! : D

Sending peace and strength, Harrison. This, too, shall pass. Keep your heart open.
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