My quitting weed journal - my progress

Postby Flucktoo » Mon Sep 04, 2017 2:09 pm

First off, I'm going to say that this will come with many updates as the days go along, but here's my story so far...

I first smoked weed when I was 13, because a few of my close friends were getting into it. I didn't inhale properly the first time, but when I finally felt it the second time, I fell deeply in love with the feeling. It permanently embedded itself into my soul, and from then on would be an obsession. At first I would suppress and control the obsession, seldom smoking and I made sure my brain stayed in tact. When I noticed my memory wasn't as good, I took a 6 month break and it all came back. My usage after that began to snowball effect, until I became really close friends with this stoner, and eventually I started doing it on the weekends, then after school, then on my own, then every day. I started to lose all my friends except this one guy I smoked with. It came to a point where I realised I HAD to stop, I had no friends, I didn't like who I was anymore, weed had killed my personality and social skills and I didn't feel like the same creative, quirky, intelligent innocent kid I used to be. It was then when I decided, I'm out.

Week one: now this is weird because at first I never intended to quit, me and my friend were just taking a tolerance break, but four days went by and I realised what the weed had actually done to me. When this hit me, it was like seeing yourself dissipate into a million shards, I was crying and crying and crying, the articles on the internet started to imbed into my mind "smoking weed during adolescence gives you permanent brain damage" etc. I became absolutely obsessed with this, and it came to the point where very thing I said, did or thought I would analyse and think to myself "is that what I would have used to think/act/do?".

Week two: this was the week where I could finally stop crying every day. I was able to get through some days without breaking down and thinking about suicide. I realised that weed has made me extremely self-analytical and I looked weird and schizo to other people, not knowing where to look and put my hands or what expression I should have on my face which was especially severe when someone was looking at me. I felt like everyone always stared at me. I felt like a soulless robot.

A month: this is when I started to feel a bit better. The schzoid paranoia, social anxiety and weird over self-analysis was very faded, and now I was left with the shittiest social skills known to man. I couldn't think efficiently enough to have even a decent conversation with anyone, my focus was shot to pieces, my cognitive ability was atrocious but my memory had slightly improved. This was also when I relapsed for the first time, some shitty "friends" came up to my door drunk, and since I was "the guy" they asked if I could smoke them up. I still had some very good quality weed under my bed and a bunch of paraphernalia which I for some reason haven't thrown away to this day - I think I just get very attached to things. I got blazed a had a good time, but the morning after I realised what I had done, and felt depressed for another two weeks.

2 months: I was still going through major depressive episodes, but managed to convince myself everything was fine. I was very stressed after a tough week at school, and just said **** it I'm getting weed. I waited around for about ten hours until I found someone that was around. It was shitty but powerful weed, as I went home, some guy from my school was sitting on a bench with a gangster-esque friend, and I came over knowing he wanted a bit. At first I was fine, but he took more than I was happy when I told him to stop. Then his friend was threatening me and I just didn't care anymore. I came home with a third of my 2g bag gone, rolled up a huge joint and blasted away. I smoked the rest across the next two days. I was hit with an extreme depression on my last comedown, and it lasted about two weeks.

3 months: here's where I am now really, recently I have felt much more myself, much funnier, a bit smarter and confident. I went to a festival with some old friends. The first night I drank 2 litres of cider just because it was there, nobody else was drinking. The second night came and it went well at first, but I sprained my ankle while drunk, and then found some stoners. Some girl came over to me and started making out with me while I was in pain on the ground, absolutely f***ed off my head and in no way could I have felt anything sexual. She thought I didn't like her, so went to my other friend and they went off. I was left alone with some stoners that eventually left me too. The next day a guy gave us some weed for letting him borrow some of our plates. Me and my mates got blazed, and later got hammered again. My friend couldn't finish his bottle of vodka, so I drank about two pints of vodka and blacked out for hours. I woke up with piss everywhere in a field, feeling like sh**. I then smoked the rest of the weed and really enjoyed it. On the way back I started thinking about the old times, before I started smoking a lot of weed. I thought about how much I used to enjoy playing minecraft when I was like 10-11, how creative my mind used to be. I put on some music that used to play in the background of the game, and I started crying. I thought about memories from long ago, I thought about when my parents still loved each other, I thought about when I used to have close, genuine friends, I thought about how much things had changed. This was the most severe depression I had ever experienced, and it lasted two weeks. I started to feel better again, but relapsed because those shitty "friends" came over and wanted to smoke up. We drank (which I'm also supposed to be stopping) and then got some weed. I got blitzed again and the depression has started again. I feel much better than I did during the first and even second month, and many of the problems are getting better. Even with all my fails and relapses, there has still been progress, and maybe, just maybe there's some hope for me. My memory is still horrible and I'm working on stuff, but there are improvements even if I am in a depressive episode right now.

I'll give an update soon if anything happens

-Flucktoo
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#1

Postby ScottMoore » Tue Sep 05, 2017 10:25 pm

Please keep posting. I'm in my second month and have relapsed a few times. I understand how it's made it harder for us in the long run.

SM
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#2

Postby Onward and upward » Wed Sep 06, 2017 1:16 am

Hey man I understand where you are coming from. I'm in week 3 without weed currently and I feel terrible. I don't feel like myself anymore and the depression is awful. Yet I know this is for the best. Optimism is key, knowing that you will eventually feel better is what will get you through it. I've read dozens of posts about how amazing people feel after they have finally conquered their addictions. You can do it! Life is a wonderful thing. Often times I feel empty and sad and all I can do is smile. You will be okay. Your brain is resetting itself in a way. Everyday is progress whether it feels like it or not. Feel free to message me.
Peace and love
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#3

Postby Lightman » Thu Sep 07, 2017 6:09 am

Thank you for sharing, Flucktoo. It sounds like a lot of your "friends" are nothing more than toxic people in your life. My recommendation is to google this term: "toxic people". Decide then whether you will need to cut them out of your life, delete them from any social media and engage with them only if absolutely necessary.

I would also seriously suggest that you throw away anything weed related in your house and delete the numbers and contacts of anyone who you know can get you pot. Otherwise you will be dealing with constant temptation.
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#4

Postby Deff » Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:43 pm

Lightman - the depression, binge drinking, weird thoughts back to a kid and how innocent things used to be - I couldn't relate more. It sounds like we have a lot of similar issues here. Please keep us updated on your progress - can't wait to hear!

deff
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#5

Postby Deff » Thu Sep 07, 2017 5:46 pm

correction my post was in response to *Flucktoo
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#6

Postby Flucktoo » Sat Sep 23, 2017 10:37 am

Deff wrote:Lightman - the depression, binge drinking, weird thoughts back to a kid and how innocent things used to be - I couldn't relate more. It sounds like we have a lot of similar issues here. Please keep us updated on your progress - can't wait to hear!

deff

Yeah man and I'm still suffering. I went out with friends yesterday night and I realised how little progress I've made. I still get my sentences jumbled and can't hold a one to one conversation. This is much worse than it seems, because how am I going to make close friends or even have a romantic relationship if things don't change. I miss my old life, and at this point, I would do pretty much everything to get it back. My old life had hope, and I had friends, but now I'm just a lonely soul bound to his bed by depression. If you don't mind me asking, what's your story?
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#7

Postby Rmarbueno » Sun Sep 24, 2017 8:47 pm

Flucktoo-
I've been on this forum for about 3 days and reading others stories and sharing mine really does help out. I'm 26 raised in Los Angeles and Seattle so I have pretty much been around the stuff my whole life. I stared at the age of 15 and the last 2 years have been mainly concentrates and dabs. About a gram of high quality oil a day so I really built up a tolerance. I quit because one night after smoking I had a huge panic attack and freaked out the first I've ever had. That alone was enough to make me wanna quit. I'm on day 21 and things do seem to get better but the anxiety depression racing and bad thoughts are still there some days are better then others but for the most part i do see a little different. I definitely get what your saying about not being social anymore as I also have had the same problem. But I hope to keep strong and not relapse. I was never a big drinker or into any other drugs but I just hate the feeling I've been having lately. Sleep and anxiety depression racing thoughts and bad thoughts are my biggest problem but I have been seeing a therapist and hope to go to a buddist temple to try and mediate. I hope you stay strong and keep the faith brother just know things do get better from what I've read just hoping to make it there myself.
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#8

Postby Flucktoo » Thu Sep 28, 2017 3:16 pm

Thanks for the reply, I would highly recommend meditation too, and I wish your journey goes a little smoother than mine. Good luck :)
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