Father doesn't talk to me

Postby datia » Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:29 pm

Hello,

I'm a 24 year old woman who lives with her parents. My problem is that sometimes my father doesn't talk to me anymore for two months, then for one month he'll talk to me, then he won't, ... It starts with something that I will say ( with no importance) but he will give it importance and make it look horrible, for instance, yesterday he was talking to me about something happening on tv, I told him that I didn't care about it ( nicely and with a smile, it wasn't mean), so now because of this small phrase he won't talk to me, so now if I salute him he doesn't answer, if I talk to him, he doesn't answer, I can try to talk to him everyday, he won't answer, so now maybe in a month or so I will talk to him and he will answer. Until the next time...

This situation is actually affecting me, I'm really sad about it, I actually cry about it, because he's my father, and I know he's being mean to me on purpose, to affect me, and that's what's making me sad, but also angry and mad, I really want for instance, to hit him, I won't do it, don't worry, but that's what I want to do, because he knows its affecting me, but he still does it all the same, on purpose.

Here's another fact : he hates women, he's always criticizing them, women on the street, women on tv, whatever a woman does, he always find a bad thing on her, on men also, but more on women. And he also like to brag about himself. He feels like he's the best in the world.

When he talks to me it's ok to have him as a father, and I love him, he helps me on some stuff, he's funny, even if he's not perfect it's ok, but when he doesn't talk to me, I just hate him, I really do not have no love for him when he does that and I wish I had another father, sincerely.

If anyone can help me, thanks a lot... If you need anymore details just ask
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#1

Postby federico91 » Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:12 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7geDzCi03l8

this song reflects the situation of many people..

I think your father is jealous, he feels hurt when he thinks you can have a boyfriend, I am not a father, but I imagine that every father must suffer a lot to have a daughter and more when it comes to sexuality, it is really horrible, it is something that maybe even embarrasses to talk, or advise you to take care of, to look for a relationship stable, and maybe he does not tell you anything about those issues because he knows that you will do what you want and not what he says

if he criticizes women, he says so that you do not be that way, every father idealizes his daughter, his son and wants the best for him or her (in the best case)

he also surely feels hurt, and more when you do not talk to him and tell him your thoughts, your feelings, your father would be happy if you were a girl forever, a girl who tells you things inoscentes, different situations lived with your friends, stupid things, and different things that can give your father a good impression of yourself, that you are a good girl
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#2

Postby datia » Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:26 pm

I don't have a boyfriend lol I do talk to me even if I know he won't answer, but he doesn't answer, then i leave him for weeks, sometimes he talks to me, sometimes I need to try to talk to him for days ( after the weeks left) then he will answer. When he doesn't talk to me I feel like he hates me, like I'm nothing to him, and it hurts, and makes me mad.
Thanks for your quick reply frederico
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:10 pm

Datia, don't play his game. For instance, you say you think about, but will never hit your father. Why not? Tell me, at what point would you hit your father? Is there any scenario, any situation in life where you can think that hitting your father would be the right choice?
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#4

Postby HumanB » Sat Sep 09, 2017 11:05 pm

datia wrote:This situation is actually affecting me, I'm really sad about it, I actually cry about it, because he's my father, and I know he's being mean to me on purpose, to affect me, and that's what's making me sad, but also angry and mad, I really want for instance, to hit him, I won't do it, don't worry, but that's what I want to do, because he knows its affecting me, but he still does it all the same, on purpose.

So ask him: Why are you being mean to me? Don't you think you're being very mean to me? Tell me father, what have I done to you to deserve you being mean? I want to know because I love you and I want us to have a happy relationship and this really upsets me very very much.
Confront his childishness in that way. Repeatedly. Sincerely.
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#5

Postby Livetowin » Mon Sep 11, 2017 12:35 pm

There's allot here you want to reassess in terms of how you view him and yourself in this picture. First you measure your father based on his label. Before he's your dad, he is an individual. He has a past, he has emotional scars, he has matters that afflict him that may not always cater to the title in which he is asked to adhere to.

When your father goes quiet, he is reacting to something that affects him on an emotional level.You identified what you felt was the event which inspired this reaction and assumed your flip response ignited the silence. The one mistake you make here is assuming your assessment of matters is the only definition appropriate and that he is the one overreacting. You're only thinking about it from your lens and not considering his. What may seem irrelevant to one could carry enormous weight to others depending on their life experience.

You haven't walked in his shoes nor experienced aspects of his life that perhaps he is still trying to work through. His silence may appear dysfunctional for you, but it could also be a defense mechanism that is instinctive to his inner pain. Maybe he had something traumatic happen to him that serves as the catalyst for this shut down. There definitely appears to be a depression type of shut down going on here, where he has to go in and emotionally rewire himself to continue.

When my dad was frustrated, he would verbally shame me with little to no limit as to what he would say. Your dad is taking an alternate route and choosing to say nothing to work it out for himself. I think before you assume your position is right and his is wrong, you need to remember your dad is an individual with his own needs. You say he's not perfect but still helps you out when you have needs. Sounds like a pretty good man if he's battling through these emotional deficits but never forgets he has a daughter. You seem to be forgetting you have a father who might need understanding rather that scorn when he displays his imperfections.

No one is perfect. And the titles we give people only enhances that irrational belief that they are supposed to rise above anything that afflicts them to cater to what we think is important by our standards. That's wrong. Instead of judging him, maybe a better strategy is to learn to understand him and identify those hot points that shut him down and try to avoid them.

Learn to be more considerate to issues which he has compassion for and avoid hot topics where the two of you are polar opposites. There's a dance you have to develop with certain people in your life that hold these titles like father, mother, sister, brother. To keep them in your life and keep matters productive, you have to learn to respect one another, which means being more proactive about where your differences stand.

But above all that, don't let this issue to define who it is you are. My dad said horrible things to me as a child and teenager. I would have much preferred the silent treatment over the deliveries I got. We also locked horns over a great many philosophical differences. But he also provided a good home and always kept food on the table and tried to help me as long as my situations were not unethical or out of bounds with his beliefs. When I found my identity, I began to respect his identity instead of asking him to rise to a standard of being a father that quite honestly no one ever reaches.

So the next time you say you hate your dad and want a different one even though he provides for you and helps you out, I would look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're not being a bit unfair in that assessment. I get the emotional origins of that feeling. But you will eventually come to understand allot of it comes from you not being comfortable with yourself. You can't wear his problems in life. Those are his.to sort through just like you have your own. You only control yourself. And don't let other people define you. When you learn to own what it is you do and define the person you want to be, you will learn that seeing others in all their imperfections does not carry so much weight.

Love your dad and don't be so judgmental of him when he shuts down. Let him own that event and just continue to be a good daughter to him and not wear that weight like its rejection. Learn to navigate away from moments that can create this conflict and maybe in time he will learn that you are trying to understand him too. Relationships in all their various forms are a two way dialogue. Open your eyes to him as an individual and not someone who is supposed to be something other than human. We all place high expectations on people whom have titles in our lives. But we fare better in not being disappointed when we realize they are people just like us trying to make it work as best as they can each and every day, but walking in a different pair of shoes that we have not worn. I wish you all the best.
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#6

Postby datia » Mon Sep 11, 2017 3:43 pm

Thanks a lot for you answers. I know I'm being mean and not fair when saying I wish I had a different father, it's just that it's hard being rejected, by your own father. Maybe I'm too young to understand him.
I talked with him and he told me that his problem with me was that I didn"t respect him, because I was always on my mom's side when they would argue, half true, half false, sometimes I just leave the room when they have an argument, but when HE puts me in the middle, i tend to take my mom's place most of the time( which means sometimes i'm on HIS side) because she's a woman just like me, and I understand more her position. For instance, the other day he told me he didn't have to pay for my mom's death insurance, but my mom has never worked and has no earning, no bank account, nothing. I told him that, as her husband, he HAS to pay for her, because she has nothing, and this created an argument between me and him. The thing is that my father, as I told you, he doesn't like women, and I'm a woman, so I feel like he's always attacking me when saying something against my mom or women. So if he thinks he doesn't have to pay for my mom, then that means, that if one day, I get married, without having any money or job, he would be ok if my husband wasn't paying my death insurance... which is not normal. And it's not about money for him, he has no money problems, he just doesn't like women.
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#7

Postby Livetowin » Mon Sep 11, 2017 7:37 pm

datia wrote:Thanks a lot for you answers. I know I'm being mean and not fair when saying I wish I had a different father, it's just that it's hard being rejected, by your own father. Maybe I'm too young to understand him.
I talked with him and he told me that his problem with me was that I didn"t respect him, because I was always on my mom's side when they would argue, half true, half false, sometimes I just leave the room when they have an argument, but when HE puts me in the middle, i tend to take my mom's place most of the time( which means sometimes i'm on HIS side) because she's a woman just like me, and I understand more her position. For instance, the other day he told me he didn't have to pay for my mom's death insurance, but my mom has never worked and has no earning, no bank account, nothing. I told him that, as her husband, he HAS to pay for her, because she has nothing, and this created an argument between me and him. The thing is that my father, as I told you, he doesn't like women, and I'm a woman, so I feel like he's always attacking me when saying something against my mom or women. So if he thinks he doesn't have to pay for my mom, then that means, that if one day, I get married, without having any money or job, he would be ok if my husband wasn't paying my death insurance... which is not normal. And it's not about money for him, he has no money problems, he just doesn't like women.


If he has said he does not feel like you respect him then you have something you can address right away. First, you need to stay out of their arguments. My parents use to argue too, but my father was the head of the house, so my mother was not one to give much push back. She was still a kid in 1950 when they got married, so her ability to mature and learn to think for herself took a big detour when she chose that path in life. Ultimately though that was between the two of them. That was her journey, not mine.

You're 24 now so you are developing your own ideas about life and what choices you would make. Living under the same roof with someone of a different generation can create allot of strain when philosophical differences lock horns. When you find yourself in those circumstances, you need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you there to have a philosophical debate or are you living there out of financial needs? You need to be practical because this is not an environment you would otherwise be in except for life needs. I could not live under the same roof with my parents by the time I was your age, so I had made a plan to get my own place and left home to make my own choices.

I honestly think when the time comes and you can be on your own, some of this stress will subside because you'll have shoulder room to do what you want and your parents can live the life they have. That's the natural progression of life, not personal deficits. But until you're able to to stand on your own and make your own way, it's going to be difficult for you to take positions against your dad in their home. You only control yourself. So control what you control and make plans to get yourself to a place where you can be better equipped to do that.

When I got out of my parents house, I found allot of clarity. I immediately appreciated all the things they did that I never considered as well as the sacrifices they never talked about that I found out after the fact. So I would quit playing moderator in their arguments and allow them to work things out between the two of them. If they ask why you can't, just tell them this is not your argument and you're not taking sides because you love them both. They're adults. You are too. Let them flush out their differences in a heated moment on their own. Right now you're in no position to fix or contribute in an impactful way to any issues they have.

Start focusing on yourself and build yourself a life that is not defined by whatever is going in theirs. You need to stand in your own space and be your own person. Like most things, there are growing pains, but that is the point of why we do it. This all might feel so cumbersome right now, but one day you'll see the wisdom in staying out of the politics of your parents communications. Once you are in a position to care for yourself, then if you choose to help one of your parents, you'll be a position to do something about that.
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