Anger towards girlfriend past

Postby midaz » Mon Sep 11, 2017 4:38 pm

Hi guys,

I came here to seek help for an anger issue management about my girlfriend past. I struggle a lot to accept the fact that she had a lot of sexual experiences in her past. She is 10 years older than me so it is quite normal and I am not somebody who was interested in having these experience so I struggle with that... And I struggle to accept the boyfriends she had. She says that she didnt love her ex but that she was just trying to because of their kid,however on all their pictures she has the biggest smile and seems completly in love so I don't know I dont like seeing that.

I don't want to put any pressure on her because it is totally normal that she had fun and active life, however some times it does affect me and I would like to manage it better so it doesnt become a problem on long term. Some time I put a lot of pressure on myself because of experiences (when I am tired I become easily negative.. and think about it a lot).

Thanks for your help guys!
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#1

Postby laureat » Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:47 pm

when we become posessive/protective someone we feel is part of ourselves: we may overeact with jealosy like you doing

1. try to enjoy a woman more than you possess/protect, at the end of time its her own life and who knows tomorrow she may not even be there with you but all you should focus is to enjoy the time you are together
2. make sure what you need to expect from your partner: write down what are your expectations so that you can also effect what to not expect from to not blame her about and to not worry about
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#2

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:01 am

Hi Midaz

Yes, I understand that you are struggling to accept the facts of your girlfriend’s colorful and racy past (and nowadays, aren’t we all?) but you did not mention actually having a big problem with actual Anger. So I will ask. Have you had ‘scenes’ with your girlfriend in which you threw it in her face that she was morally tainted, or however you would have expressed your judgmental concerns? THAT would be a Real Problem. But if all you have is misgivings, then that is really not such a huge problem. In fact, it is only healthy to let your mind look at a situation without too much Self Interested Filtering. Yes, it would be nice, in a way, to Turn Off any doubts or concerns about our Relationship Partners and instead to Project upon them an Aura of Perfection, so that we could Imagine ourselves Completely Happy and Secure with them. A lot of Guys actually DO That, but then they are Crushed later by Disillusioning Disappointments and what they perceive as Betrayals of their Trust. .

For instance, your Girlfriend had a number of past relationships and she was even Married, BUT, now she says that she was “never in love with any of them”, but she says that she Loves You, which implies that for some inexplicable reason you are different than all other men of your Species. Of course, if you think about that objectively it would seem most implausible. Perhaps she can SAY that she never loved any of those other men because she is of the temperament to EASILY FORGET why she Loves different Men. If you were to think this, well, OF COURSE you could have a very valid concern in wondering just how easily it would be for her to FORGET why she ever loved you. You can imagine her telling her next Romantic Captive that she never loved you.

Of course, then we must consider the Source and Reason for Romantic Love. Mostly “Love” is driven by neuro-bio-chemical processes. We ‘imprint’ on somebody because of Opportunity and Availability and hormones are released which causes a kind of Mating Fixation. It is all rather Primal and Animal. They call it ‘romantic’ but that is really a huge Euphemism for such a Barnyard Process. Now both a lot of Men and Women get accustomed to the High of Falling and Being in Love(what Animal Behaviorists would call Imprinting and Bonding) . But the Pumping Hormones of the Bio-Process don’t pump forever. Today’s Conquest is tomorrow’s Ball and Chain. So often Men will engage in Serial Love Affairs, often being satisfied with One Night Stands and then moving on. Women often seem to require a Full and Unconditional Surrender in their Men, that is, they will take it all the way to the Altar before they finally back off. So it is that a great many more Wives than Husbands initiate Divorce proceedings (69% of Divorces are instigated by Wives, but when it comes to pre-marital breakups, it comes up virtually even. So we can conclude generally that Women want that Ring before they run). But in the case of both these types of Men and types of Women, permanence does not really seem a viable option. They will move on, sooner or later.

So, if you have been making ugly scenes, well, of course here at the Anger Management Page we can help you with that –giving you tips on how to maintain a civilized decorum while you are in your relationship.

But I would wonder at whether we would actually be serving you well if we could imagine some way we could convince you to let down all your guards and settle into your relationship with a perfect peace of mind. Yes, it would be very relaxing. But there would be a strong likelihood that your Mental Turmoil was just being deferred off to some point in the Future, and likely the Near Future. Perhaps the best Compromise would be for you to take all the right precautions, that is to keep your bank accounts and credit lines separate from hers, and postpone any actual legally binding marriage until Forever. That is you should recognize that this Relationship is certainly only temporary and enjoy it while it lasts. But keep your eyes open for a convenient bail out circumstance. For instance, if you meet a another woman who has a steadier History, maybe one who has Loved before but can actually SAY that she was in Love before but it ended in a disappointing manner, and that she is ready to love again. I would toss aside your present Jezebel in a second to get a shot at the better woman. Indeed, here at Anger Management we KNOW of people who have been Sincerely in Love but ruined their Relationships because of their Anger Issues. And if these people can learn how to Live without Anger, then they would be Perfect for a Steady Monogamous Relationships.

So, make the most of what you have now, but keep your eyes open. Now you are having Fun, but you would trade all that in a heartbeat for a Real Happy Committed Relationship, wouldn’t you?

But I am still concerned that you thought this an Anger Problem. Remember, that while we can make Decisions based on maximizing our own Happiness and minimizing our own risks for Misery, whether economic or social-emotional, we still must maintain an aspect of civility and decorum. While you are in this Relationship with you present Girlfriend, even while suspecting it of being very temporary because of her propensity for wandering away to greener pastures, you should be uniformly pleasant. Even on the day that she tells you that “It is not your fault. It’s just that we have grown apart”, or whatever the kids say nowadays, have the emotional presence of mind to say “Oh, my. This comes as a surprise (you can say that, but, yeah, not really, huh?). I suppose I will have to find a way to carry on. But, yes, I wish you the best of luck, and I do hope we can be friends. Every once in a while drop me a line and let me know how you’re doing. I wish you the best of luck”. If you can do that, you don’t have an Anger Problem.
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#3

Postby midaz » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:59 am

First of all, thanks for your replies it is much appreciated :) and sorry english is not my first language so I mistypped. She was never maried , in fact it is the first time she actually thinks about mariage. I am talking about anger management because in a certain way when I overthink and amplify stuff by saying "yah but it makes no sense, if you didnt love him, why did you try a relationship with him?" Or "you say you never like this guy but you slept with him ?" Like I dont know.. Since I would never do these actions if I was in the same situation as she was.it is hard for me to understand why... And then I accumulate anger/insecurity inside of me. I would not describe myself as possessive or jealous because I never tried to stop her from doing something etc or I dont envy any of the previous men she had. It is more insecurities... But yeah , her having plenty of experience quite makes me mad.. I dont see rational thoughts linked with her actions... + im someone who associate a lot ; moments + emotions. So if I see pictures of her super happy with a ex, well i struggle to imagine that she didnt love him etc... She is super transparent and tells me everything but yeah I struggle to believe some stuff base on my way of process information.
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:02 pm

midaz wrote: She is super transparent and tells me everything . . .

No romantic partner needs to know the details of what went on in any previous romantic relationship of their current partner. You are experiencing the effect of having that information.

If you are uncomfortable hearing these stories on a regular basis, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your relationship status.
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#5

Postby midaz » Tue Sep 12, 2017 5:21 pm

she doesnt tell me ohh I did that with that guy, by the fact that she is transparent is that I am not worried about the fact that she lies to me. if she was lying she would not tell me anything when I ask her. so I mean I am not angry because I can't trust her. I think I might just have an issue with control and by trying to control my life I try to control her past which is not controllable and that might be the problem. Maybe it is just the fact that to be safe, I try to have control which makes me wonder on stuff I cant control.
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#6

Postby quietvoice » Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:39 pm

*
There's only one way to control your past. Re-create it in your mind.

There's only one way to control her past. Re-create it in your mind.

Perhaps by telling yourself good stories about her past, you can feel more relaxed about her.
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#7

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Sep 12, 2017 11:50 pm

Dear Midas,

What is you attraction to this woman? I once read an opinion-piece that made a lot of sense to me, and it said that Relationships are supposed to make us happy, but often they do just the opposite, creating stress, conflict, anxiety. But people stay in the relationships because they don’t want to give up hope. So they waste away their lives in miserable relationships. That Opinion Piece suggested doing 30 day written reviews of your relationship that evaluate whether you are happy or not. If the Reviews pile up on the negative side then you should stop waiting and just end what are demonstrably bad relations.

So why do you stay with this woman? Yes, there is sex. But young men think about sex with the minds of adolescents. Young men will put themselves through anything for sex, just like a tomcat. Only as men mature toward middle age do they realize that sex is often a heck of a lot more trouble than it is worth. Especially when there is all sorts of pressure to ‘please your partner’. After we get what we need from sex, which often doesn’t take more than a few minutes, then we are supposed to continue the frolic indefinitely. That results in Fatigue, loss of sleep, and it develops a disgust for the female anatomy – being compelled to continue sex after our own needs are met makes us ‘sick’ of sex. Yes, young men can hardly fathom the possibility, but there is such a thing as too much sex. You know, there are easier ways to achieve sexual release without forming these complicated and demanding partnerships with women, where in many instances the benefits go mostly ‘Her’ way.

Oh, and have you noticed that keeping a woman is expensive? Think about what else you could be doing with all that money.

Now, you should wonder why she is attracted to you. What attracted her to all those other guys? Are you better looking? Well, good looks ‘normalize’ after a while, and soon any new face will look better. Do you have a lot of money? Well, other guys have money and more than a few have more than you. She might only be with you because after her last break up she was lonely and latched onto the first guy that came along – you. It was just good old fashioned opportunity and availability – you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught in her seductive web. Well, that brought you together, but what will hold you together? I don’t see anything. Do you?

I mentioned this before. You are worried. Have you considered that maybe you are just displaying good instincts. You know, if you really loved her way down deep then your Mind would just dismiss all these little doubts. But these Doubts and Concerns are dominating your thinking. Why do you keep ignoring all these Second Thoughts? Your mind is trying its best to Warn you, and you are doing your best to try to find some way be become mentally insensible to your danger. It is like your Life Ambition is to be some mindless love-slave to some woman. Well, again, many young men cannot even imagine that there is any life beyond their loins.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Sep 13, 2017 9:43 am

midaz wrote:... I overthink and amplify stuff by saying "yah but it makes no sense, if you didnt love him, why did you try a relationship with him?" Or "you say you never like this guy but you slept with him ?"


It makes no sense? Because you would not do it, you can't understand it? Really? You can't understand that there are people other than you in this world that do not believe that love is required for sex, that sex can be only to feel physical pleasure?

You don't see and know about the oldest profession in the world, prostitution? It makes no sense to you? None? You can't wrap your head around a person paying another person to have sex?

You honestly are going to tell me that you can't understand the idea that two people meet at a bar, dance, have a few drinks, find each other attractive and then have recreational sex? That makes no sense to you?

It makes no sense to you that a man and woman meet, find each other physically attractive, start a casual sexual relationship and then over a few weeks figure out they don't like each other very much? You can't grasp that this happens all the friggin time all over the world???

NO!!! It makes sense to you. I do not believe you are so utterly ignorant not to grasp the reality of the above. You are 100% fully aware that all of the above is very common around the world.

What DOESN'T MAKE SENSE to you is why YOU are violating your own moral code, your personal values? You were raised to meet a virgin, right? A good woman is suppose to save herself for marriage, right? People are only suppose to have sex with one person, their loving soulmate, right? So what doesn't make sense is how you are with a woman that doesn't fit your worldview, that doesn't meet your moral standards, based on how you originally pictured finding and falling in love with a virgin.

I recommend you start checking and reflecting on your beliefs about how you think the world is suppose to work. If you believe the world is flat, but it is actually round it can have a significant impact on your life. You may be too scared to sail to the edge, because you fear you will fall off. What is limiting you? It is your inaccurate view, your inaccurate beliefs about the shape of the world.

With sex, your beliefs can have a similar significant impact. Throughout history the variations of sexual acceptance in communities has varied tremendously. It is absolutely amazing as you will see hedonistic to the most puritan of beliefs about sex. You fear sex the same as you might fear a flat world. It makes no sense? Then LEARN!!! EDUCATE YOURSELF! Read books, watch documentaries, explore the history of various sexual cultures different than your own. Don't close off your mind and simply say it doesn't make sense. Challenge what you believe.
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#9

Postby Leo Volont » Thu Sep 14, 2017 12:42 am

Wow! What Richard wrote was absolutely brilliant!

So, taking Richard's lead on this, I would now suppose that M. Midas has two choices: 1) he can choose to be consistent with his deeply held views regarding the moral qualities of Monogamy and the reprehensibility of promiscuity and therefore dump his "been around the block a few times" girlfriend, or, 2) concentrate on working out a new Moral World View as regards to Sexuality. Indeed, I myself am only a moral stickler when it comes to matters of harming or exploiting people or animals. If I found a woman who seemed really cool, smart, funny, wise and prudent, who really liked me for many of those same reasons, well, I would certainly like her back, and not particularly care much about the Life Experiences that, although they could raise some Traditional Red Flags, served to make her the Person that now seems to be on top of the World. some of the Best Characters come out of the School of Hard Knocks. people can learn a lot from their mistakes. But that is me and I live in a Culture where most other people don't much care about digging into People's Sexual Past's either. I could have a Relationship with an Experienced Woman and nobody I know would think the less of me for it. But M. Midas's views were not created from out of a Vacuum. I would suppose the M. Midas lives in a Culture that still greatly appreciates a Strict Moral Code in regards to Sexuality, Monogamy and Marriage. If he chooses to marry imprudently, as I would suppose many people in his Culture would see it, then he might have to suffer for that choice for the entire rest of his life, as the Society around him rejects close contact with him because they couldn't possibly 'rub elbows' with such a wife as he had selected. From Outside another Culture, we may have our adverse opinions regarding it, however, we must admit that those who live in such cultures must deal with the consequences of violating its mores (accepted standards of conduct).

Either way, it will be interesting to see what M. Midas does. Or he may do nothing and simply drift along as is -- stuck in a relationship that makes his skin creep.
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