Seeking guidance - Social Confidence

Postby ConfusedIntrovert » Wed Sep 20, 2017 6:35 pm

Hello,

Not sure how to start this off so I'll just go right into it -

I'm a 20 year old male, I consider myself a good looking guy, I go the the gym 4-5 times a week, and I enjoy playing online games. I'm still a virgin, never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl and I have been thinkin a lot lately about the possible reasons for that and I have come to the conclusion that it's down to my lack of confidence and lack of experience when flirting with a girl, or even just being playful or funny with a girl.

I can talk to girls just like I talk to anybody, just general conversation and small talk etc but I feel like I want to be playful like other guys are with girls and make girls laugh and all that but I haven't got the slightest clue what to say or do.

But it's not just my situation with the opposite sex it's also things like I struggle to project my voice enough in a loud environment, or something else like for example I work in a shop currently and if for whatever reason a colleague is shouting something to me from the other end of the store I'd just walk over to where they are and talk to them rather than shouting back because I feel like I can't bring myself to project my voice enough to shout.

the thing is when I talk to my close friends I am a completely different person, like the opposite end of the spectrum.

In conclusion I just feel like I have so much potential to be this confident funny guy but I'm just wasting it by putting on this quiet, nice, polite persona which I actually hate... any advice would be massively appreciated as this is has been f***ing my brain for a while now.

Thank you
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#1

Postby laureat » Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:33 am

Well this is simple: face your fears

When someone say face your fears what they mean is: you go there and change how you feel about it and you also give oneself a chance to progress on that

For example there are people around where i live who dont know too much about technology (smartphones, computers, internet) and if you ask that sounds too much to learn for them and their negative thinking makes it look even worse than it is: like mission imppossible

if they simply give themselves a chance to progress: soon it starts to sound easier and easier: and you change how you feel about

Its simple; face the fears, give oneself a chance to progress on what you believe you are not good enough
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:31 pm

You have all the tools to succeed. Confidence comes from demonstrated ability. But you won't know when you're succeeding if you don't first determine what you want for yourself. You have to have context to know where you stand in every situation in life because without it, you end up owning the reactions others give you and that's where most people get in trouble.

Something as common place as seeing people laugh is a bit too subjective for you to hang too much weight to the process. Some people laugh to be polite. Others laugh because they actually think it's funny or they laugh because they think you're funny, but not necessarily what you're saying.

People in public are often not very authentic in their behavior, so it's important that you learn to be authentic in who it is you are and function from the inside -out, not the outside -in. So you might ask, " I'm 20, so I'm not sure who I am yet." That's fine. Most people are not at your age. But I'm sure you have a general idea of certain things you like and don't like. What is VERY important is that you begin to understand how you are different from your friends. Step outside your peer group and look at things as just you standing there. And based on that idea, start developing your own voice.

Finding your own voice has nothing to do with consensus amongst your peers. They don't live your life. You do. The only person who answers for your choices is you. Don't fall into this herd mentality that says if a group of people feel a certain way, you should too. You want to start developing self-awareness. Why? Because until you understand what defines yourself and what truly holds value for you, then how can you possibly define those values outside yourself?

In life, someone is constantly saying, " This is good. This is bad." You are either the person saying it or the person following it. Who are you going to be? People who are outspoken or can speak for themselves only possess one tool that those who don't haven't figured out - Confidence to speak their heart. To speak up is to state your voice has value. It doesn't mean you might always have the facts straight. It just means you're not afraid to put yourself out there to have that conversation. But it also means something more important. It means you can define yourself and not let what others say map out your sense of self worth.

But let me make one big distinction here. I'm not talking about social media like Facebook. I hate that crap. Everyone is a keyboard hero when it comes to shooting off their mouth every time they have a knee jerk reaction to something and say whatever comes to mind without any sense of consequence. My recommendation is you reduce that frame of communication and become more of a face first person to talk with. That's where the rubber meets the road and it will teach you to be more measured and considerate of others even when you're in disagreement. Learning to be a good communicator is key, so always be considerate but expect the same consideration from them. Understand your space and their space are two different worlds.

This is why I say if you're worried about what to say and whether you can make girls laugh, you have placed the cart before the horse. Talk about things you like to talk about. YOU laugh at the things you think are funny and then filter out the people who do not compliment the person you are. When you go out on a date, be you! Whatever that is. Because building the other party up to be some kind of diva you have to impress means you will not be yourself and you will come off looking like someone trying to service the needs of others. Not a good look. You can be yourself, be a gentleman, and still have a good time without having to cuddle the identity of that other person.

When someone doesn't like you or doesn't laugh at your jokes, so what? You found out this person is not for you. Don't wear it like they are right and you have to change who it is you are. Be you ALL THE TIME. What you'll discover is the more clarity you give to yourself, the EASIER it will be to see the motivations and personalities of others. Why is that?
Because you won't be looking at them for guidance on yourself, you'll just be looking at them for who they are. When you have your own backyard in order, it's easier to see how others do not take care of theirs. I wish you all the best.
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