Insecurities and low self esteem

Postby matt889 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 12:47 am

Hey,

I'm Matt and 23 years old. My biggest problem is my insecurity. Since I was a kid I was being compared to others. I was never the popular guy although I had some friends. They may not have been the best friends but at least I had them. I was always the weakest one, the one people made fun of the most and they least successful with girls. I moved to America at the age of 16 and I was struggling with the language barrier. When I finally learned English, I made some friends. I went to parties and made even more friends. My self esteem still sucked. I hooked up with some girls but only because alcohol gave me courage and that drunk confidence. That was only a temporary fix for me. I've had one girlfriend for 3 months and then she broke up with me because she "lost feelings" but I know it was my fault because I was needy and wanted her attention all the time. It took me about 2 years to get over her and it only lasted 3 months. That was when I was 20. Now I'm 23 and still single. I know some girls are attracted to me but I'm not attracted to them (don't think I'm picky, these girls just don't take care of themselves). I think I take good care of myself. I shower everyday, I get a nice haircut every once in a while, I shave my face, I trim my eyebrows, I work out 4-5 days a week. I have a job that I like. Although I do these things, I still feel unattractive, I keep comparing myself to others. I'm only 5'8" which is pretty short for a man. I hang out with guys that are tall and good looking and that makes me feel like a complete loser because I see them with pretty girls and bragging how many girls they slept with. I lost my virginity at the age of 21, and so far that's the only time I had sex. I don't want to be some kind of player, but I wanna find a girl and keep her. When I was with my ex I could not focus on anything because I kept thinking that she's out there talking to other guys/cheating. I was not happy in that relationship because of my insecurities. My close friends know about my problem and they're trying to help me but they don't understand how hard I'm trying to get over it. I even bought some e-books and audio-books that would help me get rid of my insecurities and low self esteem but I only spent money and got nothing out of it. I have no more ideas what to do. I don't know where to start and I don't even know if it's possible to fix my self-esteem. I can't imagine being married and everyday thinking if my wife is cheating on me. If you guys were in my situation and know someone that successfully got rid of their insecurities please tell me how they did it because I've been stuck in the same place for years and I don't what else to try. Every advice will be appreciated! If there is a similar topic I apologize but I just wanted you to look at this post because not everyone has same symptoms and some things may work on other bu not me and the other way around. Thank you!
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#1

Postby Livetowin » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:42 am

I use to have your insecurities and you would be shocked at how basic the process is to turn the page on this issue. Trust me when I say at 53 if I only knew in my 20's what I know today. Geez. There's two rules in life I live by and I encourage you to adopt them. I only control myself and I do not let others define me.

Right now you are chasing people for approval. You may not think you are, but your comments wave the flags, if not set them on fire. First of all, what are you doing going to the gym four or five days a week? Training for the Olympics or shopping for a glance? Please...please don't look for partners in the vanity castle. I have been going to a local gym for 15 years and I go three times a week for about 40 minutes at a stretch. Do your stretching, free weights, and stair-master and hit the showers. Lots of fragile egos in a gym, so abandon that dead-end street if you think the Stallone look will break hearts. You might feel gratification if you catch a look while you're doing a bicep curl, but you're only feeding the wrong emotional cues. Looking for a lasting relationship or a meaningless 30 minutes? There you go.

You say you have a personal preference for women who take care of themselves, which is a broad statement that can imply so many different things. It's also an interesting thought coming from someone with low self esteem who always "finishes last". Is that your value system saying that or is that your insecurities saying you wouldn't "look" special if seen in public with that person or in front of your fake friends? That leads me to your next red flag.

You indicate you're hanging out with others to somehow elevate yourself, which is probably the worst thing you can do for your own self-worth. Is this a dog and pony show or are we a person of substance looking for another person of substance? You're spending all your time and energy on appearances, following this shallow check list of vanity points so you can feel like you're a "better person". Sorry, but you're essentially a dog chasing his own tail. You need to quit being a follower and take a pit stop to evaluate who it is you really are and what it is you really want in life.

Quit looking around for affirmation. That is you saying, " I have no opinion of myself so I have to find it in the looks and words of others." That's your worst enemy because it bleeds into the rest of your thinking. You need to dump the public awareness habit and start becoming aware with yourself. This means you start defining life from the inside-out, not the outside-in as you are right now. Start doing things you like to do and throw out the consideration you give to others when defining them. It has to start with you and ONLY you.

Then you need to get completely honest with yourself. What are your strengths? And more importantly, what are your weaknesses? Who is it you actually are devoid of the public face you wear? THAT person needs to take center stage which means you end this notion that you need to worry what other people think. That right there is the key to your whole life my friend. Quit hanging around phony people and start defining actual friends. Meaning people who will be there for you when it may not be popular to do so.

But here's a little tip I'm going to give you that I wish I could have gotten at your age. It would have saved me years of struggling and making bad decisions. Do you know what makes a relationship work? It's not how you look. It's not saying all the right things. It's not telling the best jokes and wearing the charming attire.And it sure as hell has nothing to do with hanging out with "popular" sheep. All of that is transient and temporary at best.

What makes two people stay together is when they drop the bullsh*t and see each other for who they actually are. It means caring for the person DESPITE their imperfections. I've been married 25 years with kids and now a grandchild. I've said the wrong things. Been perhaps under-dressed, when I should have thought it out better. At times carried allot more weight than I should and have even been a complete a-hole when I simply was not in the mood to deal on a fair platform.

But what keeps me relevant is my commitment to a standard in that relationship. I am honest and understanding. I am patient and forgiving. But more than anything I don't give up when hard times hit. We have each other's back when the clouds gather and times get stressful. We have each other's backs, no matter what. And " no matter what" has been tested quite a bit. There's your formula. It's not sexy. It didn't come from a book, and it didn't come from a pill bottle. It's something allot of people don't want to do in this life. It's good old fashion work.

it won't always make you feel good and at times it will frustrate the hell out of you. But that's because you're an individual sharing space with other individuals. YOU ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF. But to do these things you absolutely have to know who you are. You have to know when your partner no longer looks perfect, you still love her even more every day because her heart only gets better looking. You know that for the mistakes you have to forgive her for, you have done at least as many. And when you get frustrated with her silly tendencies that make you want to pull your hair out, you just walk away and put in episode of your favorite show (Honeymooners for me) and realize there's no place you would rather be.

Life is a very imperfect race my friend. The people who think they can showboat it are headed towards a bad awakening later in life. Looks fade, fads change, and popularity blows in the wind. Those people chase after a thirst than can never be quenched because it's based on merit-less values.

Sit down and start having an honest conversation with yourself. Start being the person you actually are and quit looking around to see if others agree. Because until you are happy and content inside, you will never find it by seeking out the opinions of others. Life starts inside yourself, not by the number of goofy acquaintances you can gather around you. Start being you and see who hangs around. The first thing you'll notice is the clarity it gives you with other people when you can just be yourself.

When it's real on the inside, it gets even more real on the outside. That's when you shake your head and say, " Why did I waste my time seeking that person's attention?!' You get wise real quick. Understanding the intentions of others becomes easy when you understand your own. It means you can see people for who they are, rather than being distracted by what you think they see in you. Results come from the inside, not the outside. Be true to yourself and the truth of what stands around you will become crystal clear. All my best.
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#2

Postby laureat » Mon Sep 25, 2017 12:32 pm

When you cannot control the mind that doesnt mean you cannot control the body: you can use physical activity to switch from one state of mind to another

If you are insecure and you want to bring confidence you can use a punch-bag just to bring some of that dominant mindset

When you want relaxation you can cook something, you can go for a walk, so that physical activity also effects the mind: leads to relaxation

But the source of problem is from the mind: so you have to make sure about expectations you have from oneself in life so you dont feel guilt, and you dont feel that you didnt do good, it is expectations you have from oneself and you feel proud of oneself of what you did because thats what you expected

Beware that some people may lead you feel inferior/worthless if you allow them: and you may not be aware of that until you find people that see the positive side of yours: and also teach you see your positive side, but we should not expect from others to be confident, just to be asare, we dont want a depended mindset, you want to be independed and manage to feel good, to feel proud, to feel dominant even around the "wrong people"
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#3

Postby Snow_fox » Mon Nov 13, 2017 4:12 pm

There's no point comparing your life with others as it will be an endless race.
Compare your past with the presence and see the difference which area you want to develop more, you can use some of business strategy like SWOT in purpose personal development.
Regarding with your insecurities i know it's hard to drive away from mind but I see you have some effort to taking some work out its really nice decision. There's no use to keep looking your weakness instead just focus on your area which you feel better.

“Every flower has its own blossom time: forsythia, Camellia, and the other flowers. ... but just believe, when the time has came, you will blossom beautifully - Rando Kim

Be yourself and fullfill your destiny because life is too short to comparing with others.
Just two cent of motivation to you. Cheers and enjoy every minute of your life.
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#4

Postby TheCloud » Wed Nov 15, 2017 4:49 am

You have attractive friends who are living lives you admire. You would gain a lot if you'd open yourself up to them more.

Of course, it's not exactly that simple. As you mentioned, you have problems with insecurity, which tends to go together with a lot of guilt. The question, then, is what have you done to feel so guilty for?
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#5

Postby alexmercer » Thu Nov 16, 2017 4:46 am

Believe me when I say that you will outgrow your insecurities eventually. I know that you are old enough for it but set your mind that as long as you are doing something to it, you just don't mind what others will say to you. Just remember the rule, 'you can't please everybody'. Even if you know that you are already perfect, there are still many out there that will say negative things to you. So just have fun and let go of your insecurities.
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#6

Postby seeingthelight » Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:11 am

Good post. You'll never be able to please everyone. There will always be negative people.. People who project issues onto you.. While they're doing serious dirt.. People who'll nitpick you've for stuff that happened 10-20-30 years ago ect. Nothing you can do about it. So just let go of the insecurity
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