New Dad confidence

Postby Andyr » Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:08 pm

Feel a bit stupid writing this but I need to write something down.

I am going to be a dad for the first time. I have always suffered from depression and specifically confidence problems. I have not had any serious relationships and even now I have only been with this girl for 6 months and we are living together but basically broken up.

Hormones or not what she has been saying to me is bringing back my confidence issues and then some. I have been doing everything wrong and it has been hard to just simply say sorry. I feel I have to defend myself on occasions to which I get abuse for.

On the odd occasion when I do something wrong I have been 'harming' the baby. The latest one she said that she doesn't trust to leave me alone with the baby at all. This came from clothes smelling funny after a wash. There was also mention that if child services smelt clothes on a child they would take him away from the parents.

All I have done today is have one question going over in my head 'what if she is right' and I harm the baby or even worse.

I really don't know how to get the question and worry out of my mind. Since we found out I have been scared which is normal but this latest barrage has rocked me.

I am going to see if I can get professional help but I am living in a non English speaking country and obviously is going to be difficult to find somebody with a good enough level of English.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 01, 2017 3:38 pm

You are not going to be a good role model if all the child sees growing up is a man being abused in various ways. That won't be good for you or the child. It also won't be good for the mother of your child.

Leave the relationship.

Note, this doesn't mean abandoning the child. This means not being around as a punching bag, feeling as if you are trapped in a loveless, abusive relationship. You can be a better father and role model by not playing the role of victim.

As the child grows older, possibly the mother meets a man that won't let her walk all over him. Ideally it is a balanced relationship, with neither party allowing the other to be an abuser.

A second option is for you to stop playing victim and start standing up for yourself. Understandably this is easier for me to say than someone use to playing the victim to do. It is not easy to be in your position, but the degree to which it is easy doesn't change the reality, stop playing the victim and stand up for yourself or leave the relationship.
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#2

Postby laureat » Tue Oct 10, 2017 3:42 am

There is not too much to do with a baby but simple things that are extreme important to the baby ( milk, food, water, diapers, toys, sleeping ) and the problem i see on many people are not good enough to identify the needs of a baby and even if they say i do these but they make a bad timing ,

Just because your a male that doesnt mean you cannot take care the baby however mothers are naturaly more focused and protective over the baby and its unusual to see the opposite happening however that doesnt mean you shouldnt be trusted
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#3

Postby Andyr » Sun Oct 15, 2017 4:02 pm

I hate the phrase but I suppose I do need to 'snap out if it'.

Cheers guys, it is a fight I am having with myself. I think half the issue is that I have ups and downs like any normal person but the downs really do get me down.

It is hard for me to explain myself without feeling self pity which is something that I do not want to do. I think it is time to see if there are any good English speaking psychiatrists here where I live and go from there.

Cheers again guys.
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 15, 2017 9:00 pm

Andyr wrote: I think it is time to see if there are any good English speaking psychiatrists here where I live and go from there.


You really believe that is the solution? What do you think "new dad's" that lacked self confidence did prior to the invention of psychiatrists? What other options are available?
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#5

Postby Andyr » Mon Oct 16, 2017 6:08 am

No not the solution at all but a step to the solution.

I am also looking at self help, confident speak, etc.

I am not stupid enough to think that just talking to somebody is going to make everything rosy.

Got to do it myself as well.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 16, 2017 2:49 pm

Andyr wrote:No not the solution at all but a step to the solution.

I am also looking at self help, confident speak, etc.

I am not stupid enough to think that just talking to somebody is going to make everything rosy.

Got to do it myself as well.


I think you are on the right track. I'm asking, before psychiatrists and self help books, what do you think people did to become more confident?
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