One-sided marriage?

Postby BT-7274 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:07 pm

In my house, I do everything besides cooking. I don't mean to sound short, but all house chores are taken care of by me. Everything from dishes to dog poop to laundry, etc. If they weren't, our house would be a wreck. I know this because I used to go on business trips and come back to a disaster. I also feel that I do the majority when it comes to taking care of and meeting our only son's needs. Once again, my spouse takes charge of feeding him, but dressing, bathing, playing at home, taking to parks, etc is all me. It feels to me like I'm doing a lot more than my spouse, but whenever I bring anything up the feedback I get is "you're always grumpy or in a bad mood". I can't even discuss the situation without it backfiring on me. I will also say that I'm not a selfish or needy person, but other than meals none of my needs are met. I've learned to live with this, because at this point, I don't see that I would have time for my needs anyway. Any advice on how to handle?
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:29 pm

This is simply not communicating your expectations of the relationship effectively.

Write up a list of chores. Divide them between you and your spouse. Present her with the written list. Sit down with her and agree to who is responsible for what.

The above is the easy part. Effective communication requires you willing to escalate should she be unwilling to compromise, if she doesn't want to or refuses to sit down and go over the list. Escalation goes from a verbal argument to leaving, taking the child with you as needed (given you say the child is your responsibility), beginning a trial separation, etc. etc.

In other words, -1- it sounds like you don't have your expectations clearly outlined, -2- you have not clearly and with resolve communicated your expectations, and -3- there currently are no consequences for failing to meet your expectations.
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#2

Postby Livetowin » Mon Oct 09, 2017 10:51 am

I would add that you also need to examine how this started. Was this all at once or a gradual process? Were there career schedules that dictated how things got done around the house? Did one person work later than the other which changes availability on some of these issues? And what about your own measure of comfort? Are you a person that needs the house to look like a museum from the time you walk in or are you more relaxed and get to it as the evening progresses? Are you both neat freaks or do the two of you contrast there? I would examine all aspects of how this got to be on auto-pilot. Usually there's an unspoken reason that can be pulled out and reassessed.
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#3

Postby Yugen0611 » Mon Oct 16, 2017 10:48 pm

Well first of all I think your husband needs to not be dismissive and try to understand that the "bad mood" has an origin. I hate to say it but it's really common for some men to act dismissive towards their woman's concerns. I had to go over that alone with my SO a few times but it can bring progress just shed some light in that regard. In America it's common practice for men to act dismissive (totally not saying it's just men either, but typically) so much that it won't even go noticed until you, constructively, bring this up. It's also common I want to say for people to get comfortable and to forget their responsibilities. I think this needs to reiterated to him and that chores should be divided evenly. Takes two to tango, once one lags there's bound to be issues. I would just bring these things up calmly sometime and hopefully he'll get the picture.
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#4

Postby BT-7274 » Tue Oct 17, 2017 2:29 pm

Hi. It's actually the other way around. I'm the husband and I posted this (I didn't clarify that in the post). It's ok though, I get your point. The tough thing I have trouble understanding is how can someone not witness these things, recognize the unfairness or inequality and want to change or at least help out. I ask because that's my personality and I don't see how others can't have just a shred of that. Me, if I see that someone is overwhelmed, I attempt to jump in and help alleviate their stress. How can somebody see someone being stressed or witness another person doing so much and not want to help?
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#5

Postby laureat » Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:18 pm

Start with making her responsible to take care of the kitchen : and do not allow latency

If she doesnt care about : if she rejects that : get ready for divorce with the reasoning that she is not answering the family requests :

simply record it on the video when she rejects you to have as an evidence about in the court
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:18 pm

BT-7274 wrote: How can somebody see someone being stressed or witness another person doing so much and not want to help?


-1- Do you both work?

-2- Did you write up a list, sit down and communicate expectations? If not, why?

It is easy to not help if the person doesn't communicate effectively. The age old phrase, "I'm not a mind reader," comes to mind. You use the term "see" as in she should simply be able to observe your stress, be able to visually see that you are doing so much and based on that should be asking how she can help you. That is not effective communication.
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#7

Postby BT-7274 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 2:14 pm

Thanks Richard. Quick question as I see you reply a lot on here and, based on your fantastic advice, you seem to know what you're talking about! Do you ever see incidences where people do recognize inequality and step in to help/resolve? Because that is me to-a-t! I guess I just struggle to see why others don't have that mode of thinking but that's just me I guess.

Also, someone asked if I work. I was laid off a few months back and now I'm going back to school full time. It's like a job; 6-4 everyday, with homework on weekends. My actual job before this allowed me even less time. I will sit down and make a list and see what comes out of it. Just my barrier is every time I sit down with the Mrs and try to have a conversation like this, it turns into an attack "there's something wrong with you" (meaning me) retort and we get nowhere. I'm not good at arguments and thinking on the fly, so I have trouble defending my position. Why do some folks on here think that's grounds for divorce. Why?
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:38 pm

BT-7274 wrote: Do you ever see incidences where people do recognize inequality and step in to help/resolve? Because that is me to-a-t! I guess I just struggle to see why others don't have that mode of thinking but that's just me I guess.


That is how you see yourself. It is your belief system, your worldview. Others (1) probably don't see you the same way that you see yourself, I don't, and (2) how you see yourself is irrelevant, other than it can sometimes cause conflict with those around you that don't have a similar belief system.

For instance, I believe there is absolutely nothing wrong with inequality. And, I believe strongly that there is something wrong with injustice. In today's world people are trying to equate the two, making inequality to be synonymous with injustice. That is bull. People should have equal rights, that is just. That doesn't equate to equal outcomes. Anyway, this paragraph is not really substantive to your issue. It just demonstrates that there are different modes of thinking and that you not being able to understand why people don't all embrace your particular mode is your problem rather than the problem of someone else. Your mode of thinking is not necessarily the correct mode.

Also, someone asked if I work. I was laid off a few months back and now I'm going back to school full time. It's like a job; 6-4 everyday, with homework on weekends. My actual job before this allowed me even less time. I will sit down and make a list and see what comes out of it. Just my barrier is every time I sit down with the Mrs and try to have a conversation like this, it turns into an attack "there's something wrong with you" (meaning me) retort and we get nowhere. I'm not good at arguments and thinking on the fly, so I have trouble defending my position. Why do some folks on here think that's grounds for divorce. Why?


Folks say this, because your barrier is that you want to avoid and are uncomfortable with conflict. But, marriage is a contractual relationship, and it is very, very normal for relationships to sometimes have conflict, and it is also above 50% that these conflicts eventually lead to divorce. The other 50% of marriages are also probably not conflict free, including issues such as infidelity, various forms of abuse, dependency, etc. I'm not trying paint a dark picture here, but why folks mention divorce, is because it is a potential result of conflict, and conflict is where this thread is going.

You are avoiding conflict! That is the bottom line here. You are uncomfortable with conflict, it is a barrier, so you simply wish she could "see" or recognize your mode of thinking and step in to help with chores without the need for conflict. Good luck. That isn't going to happen.

Conflict can be healthy. Conflict is natural and has benefits. It doesn't have to hurt or destroy a marriage, it can actually strengthen and benefit a relationship. Stop fearing conflict. I wish I had a good resource or two that would help you learn about and understand conflict in a positive light.

Good luck with the list. Let us know how it goes.
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#9

Postby laureat » Fri Oct 20, 2017 3:23 am

The topic has a perfect name:

One sided relationship/marriage

There are moments when two persons agree to have such a relationship: a rich old guy with a hot woman: and pays for everything and the lady doesnt even have to care about how she looks, because someone else take care of her, from the nails, the hair, to take care of her vagina

But not all men we can afford to pay as much: and some women have to take care of her own vagina:

Im just saying
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