All I know is I need some sort of help

[macncheese1]

I've joined this site as a little bit of a cry for help, as I'm sure most of you may have too. I like the anonymity of this forum. And I've been reading the replies and everyone's so supportive with their advice.
Im 18. And recently my parents split up due to my abusive dad. Mainly physical violence, however there was one weird time that I never really talk about where he kind of touched me... I've never told anyone about that apart from my boyfriend. And don't plan to. At least, no one I know personally. I don't think I will ever get over how my dad treat me for several years, the manipulative and controlling behaviour behind his actions. He's threatened to burn our house down, screaming he will get a gun and that there's "Going to be a blood bath". We used to be bestfriends, when I was younger, but now I constantly have anxiety when I go out that he's behind me. Or following me. Or going to attack me. I still have constant nightmares where I wake up in the middle of the night screaming. I suffer from nose bleeds constantly when my anxiety is really high. And often have breakdowns and have to leave my friends and go home if someone brings up their dad for whatever reason. For the first few years I held no emotion regarding this. I never cried, never felt anything. But in the past or so year, since my boyfriend found out, I've felt less pressure I feel to keep it bottled up and so by having his support I've felt a little better to be able to cry on him. It's comforting but I can't keep going on like this. I'm hoping that by writing about it and connecting with people through sites and maybe reaching out to the doctors about this I will become a little stronger again. Because, part of me worries i'm becoming like him. Me and my mum swore for years that we thought he had undiagnosed Scrizophrenia. His mum has it bad, and now I'm starting to worry, with how I act sometimes, or the paranoia he had - I feel I carry that too, that I may have it a little. I just want help. I want some sort of comfort. I'm sorry this is long. And really appreciate anyone who's actually read it all. Even if not everyone does, I'm hoping that even by posting it I will feel some sort of relief.

[Leah09]

Hi there,
Feel like it was a sign for me to see your post today as I just posted an update on one of my own threads about my relationship anxiety,
I rememberd something a member of my family did that wasn’t nice and very intrusive,
I have never told anyone not even my boyfriend I’m afraid with all that’s been going on with me lately Iv leaned on him too much and telling him this I feel like it could be too much and I don’t want to pile all my problems on him and bring him down.
Iv never told anyone not even my therapist but I saw that member of my family recently and I couldn’t even look him in the eyes I felt so ashamed.
I think you would really benefit from seeing a therapist. It’s started to really help me.
Just a quick explanation about my story,
My anxiety the past 2 months has targeted my boyfriend. Thoughts like you don’t love him you need to breakup with him and them thoughts leading I me feeling numb towards him.
I’m getting better though with medication and therapy.
I think this is something you could benefit from.
Sorry this is a bit all over the place haha
I hope you see the light at the end of this and your worries go away, everything is always going to be okay and that’s something I struggle to believe when I’m at my worst but it’s true my boyfriend always reminds me of that x

[macncheese1]

Hi, wow.. thank you so much for replying. It means so much, especially since we can so closely relate to each other.
I've had the same thoughts, where often I will break down and say to him that I need to break up with him, obviously not meaning it deep inside, but luckily he senses the pain I'm going through and forgives me every time, But it's unfair to him, even though he knows I don't mean it, and I apologise profusely after it still really hurts and upsets him when I say it.
But yeah, I do think that it's time I got some help and I feel therapy would be the best option, but how do I go about to get the help I need? I'm completely clueless.

[Leah09]

Hi again,
Such a relief to know I’m not the only one who is going through this it’s really horrible! One piece of advice I will give you is don’t give up because your worth it and your boyfriend is too!
I literally had a breakdown to my mum one morning and had a meltdown I had so many questions like why me? Why him? Why can’t I enjoy the one good thing I have going for me? How can you have these thoughts about someone you love so much? Basically there’s only so much my mum could have told me so I started to google therapists in my area and I rang a few and picked the one I liked most and to be fair I picked the cheapest because I don’t have much money being a student and all..... Iv had 2 sessions so far and she thinks I did the best thing coming to her and that I need a few more sessions but I will be okay ..... thing is my anxieties are worse when I’m not with my boyfriend causing me to me to be that clingy omg I need you all the time girlfriend.... anyway I really hope it gets better for you, do you have any more questions? I’m more than happy to answer them for you seeing as Iv been going through this the past 2 months! X

[macncheese1]

That's the thing. I'm at Uni now, so I don't see my boyfriend very often as I have moved 4 hours away. He just came to visit me the weekend just gone and it was so nice, but one night I ruined it by anxiety and I was so annoyed at myself! Plus, I don't have any money, at the moment anyway, that I can spend on therapy. I have absolutely nothing. Just money for the bare food. Plus because I'm in a new place, I don't quite know the area as well as I do back at home. It's all still new.
And ah I'm so glad things seem to be getting better for you! And so happy you've managed to get help and support sorted so quickly. I can't think of any other questions at the moment. The main issue I have is finding somewhere or someone to talk to to just ease the situation and take a bit of pressure of me so I hopefully don't feel as rundown and stressed and anxious all the time. X

[Leah09]

Does your uni offer free counseling services? I know mine does but they were so busy and hard to get an appointment! Seems like we’re not the only ones with issues lol it is always busy in my college! I had a lovely night with my boyfriend too last night but when I was with him I suddenly remeberd what my family member did and I felt the urge to tell him but I was so scared and nervous the words wouldn’t come out .... I had the worst sleep too after that tossed and turned all night and woke up feeling really frustrated and irritated.. not nice
May I ask how your boyfriend reacted when you told him About the touching? Sorry if that’s too personal I’m just curious
I’m always here to talk, I haven’t managed to find someone going through the same things either to chat to so this is quite nice x

[macncheese1]

I would guess so but I have no idea at all about how to find out without making a big deal out of it and I don't fancy drawing attention to myself about it. And when I told my boyfriend he just cried for me and hugged me and kept telling me he loved me. He didn't let go of me and we cried together in each other's arms. It was so comforting, and honestly in a way felt a huge weight lift off my chest. So now I think he understands why sometimes my nightmares are so bad because I think he gets that a lot of the time they are flashbacks to that event. He was so helpful, I honestly suggest telling your boyfriend, not only so he can be there to support you. But it just takes less pressure off yourself to constantly have to deal with it alone. He's stood by you with the other things, and he will just want to protect you and look after you. I can't even describe how much better I felt telling him. Someone I trust. He didn't even judge me, just wept and apologized. But obviously that's up to you whether you want to or not, but it was the best decision I've ever made and I don't regret telling him at all.
And yeah, same. I've never found anyone to chat with who have gone through similar events as me, it's really lovely to talk to you about it and hear what you have to say. X

[Leah09]

Aw that’s lovely I’m so glad you have someone who cares for you so much it’s really lovely to hear. I think I will tell him it will be hard but worth it and I think it will show him how much I love him that I can tell him this. Because I know I really do love him I would be lost without him. I hate that I feel this way at the minute I feel like my world is crashing when I have those thoughts about him and I wang to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him like we have talked about on many occasions we have even named our first child haha it gives me something to look forward to when all this is over its like my boyfriend is my prize at the end of it all I get my life back. Thanks so much for chatting to me it really means a lot to talk to someone in the same boat as me.

[macncheese1]

Ah that's so sweet to hear. I honestly think it will bring you both even closer and benefit you both in different ways! Really hope it goes well, I have no doubt it will. So nice to speak to you.

[Leah09]

Thank you so much!
I hope everything goes well for you too! Was lovely to chat
Please keep me updated on your journey x

[macncheese1]

Will do, please keep me updated too! Would love to hear how things work out for you X

[macncheese1]

Will do, please keep me updated too! Would love to hear how things work out for you X

[Leah09]

Hey!
My therapist texted me this morning and asked me to start keeping a though journal. Basically something to write your thoughts in when you feel frustrated and like the weight of the world is on you.
I thought you might like to try it too!
Hope your having a good day today! I’m not having the best day feel really anxious and nervous about seeing my boyfriend this evening because I’m going to take your advice and tell him
Hope your doing well!

[macncheese1]

Hi! Ah thankyou so much for sharing, will definitely give that a go! My day for once surprisingly hasn't been too bad, got a facetime call with my boyfriend in half an hour when I get back home so that's something to look forward to.
And ah I'm so proud of you! Hope that doesn't sound patronizing, but I'm sure everything will work out fine for you this evening. Sorry for late reply been at Uni all day. I'll be thinking of you, just stay strong. You can do this. It's like ripping off a band aid. And remember he loves you, for who you are. He loves you for your past, your present, and of course the future you've already planned together. Let me know how you get on! X

[JuliusFawcett]

everything changes, you have a 100% record of coping so far, you can believe in yourself more, you are powerful. you are amazing, you are strong, you are gentle, you are loving, you are kind, you are unique.