25 years daily with weed - I want out.

Postby FindingMe » Sat Oct 14, 2017 8:57 am

My name is “Determined”.

I’m 48. Married, working in an executive job, paid well, with a 3 year old boy and a 5 month old baby (I got a late start but better late than never!). I’ve smoked daily for almost 25 years. I imagine that I’ve spent maybe $200,000 on weed over my life. It makes me sick writing that.

The only times I’ve not smoked have been when I was activated in the army for about 1.5 years and when I travel for business a few times a year. My wife has never done any drugs but she is sympathetic to me - I tell her that weed helps me regulate my anxious feelings, stress, etc. I told her about my habit on our 2nd date. She never, ever has given me a hard time about it and I am indebted to her for allowing me that pass.

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why I use weed. It’s definitely a habit, but I don’t know what makes me vape so much every day. I smoked in college, but not a ton. When I was 24, I went through a bad breakup and I think that’s when I became a daily user. I go through 1oz every two weeks. I come home from work and immediately sequester myself away for 45 min to get high, or to get ‘normal’, since I feel like I’ve been more high than not high for most of my life. It hurts writing that, too. I’ve never written anything about this until today. I usually spend the same 45 minutes getting baked before bed. Sometimes I get high before work. It doesn’t seem to affect my job performance, but I always feel paranoid...because I feel like I ‘look high’, however in my job no one would say anything about it. But I know how I look when I’m not high - my eyes aren’t as closed, and I look ‘fresher’. I get high for everything. Of the near 100 skydives I’ve done, all but 3 were done high - and the only reason those others weren’t were because they were out of the country. I never sleep well without being high - I get nightmares and vivid dreams, yet when I use weed I sleep like a rock for 8 hours. When I am angry or stressed, smoking weed immeditaely relaxes me and makes the stress disappear.

Today is my second day into a 2 week trip overseas. I’m fine, as I always am when I am traveling and simply can’t smoke. It hurts my sleep, and I get a bout of depression the first 2-3 days, but I expect it and deal with it. I actually somewhat look forward to these respites - it’s like I get to reset myself and live with ‘clarity’ for 14 days. However, inevitably, when I return home from my trips, I usually go right to my weed within an hour of getting home.

But....

I want to stop. I want to stop using weed now. For a number of reasons. One, I don’t want my children growing up with their dad as a pothead who needs his ‘chill out’ time with weed a few times a day. I don’t want to spend $1000/month on this when I need that money for my family’s future (the company I work for is not doing well and I may be starting over shortly). I don’t want to worry about losing cognitive functions when I’m older, and I already feel like my vocabulary has suffered in recent years - the ability to come up with ‘the right word’ when I need it makes me wonder if it’s the weed causing that. And probably the number one reason - I’ve never been good socially, and weed makes that 10 times worse. I feel self-conscious when trying to chit chat with people at a charity barbecue. I don’t know how to start friendships with parents at my kids’ daycare.

I have read this forum all morning. I’m inspired by you all, whether you’ve quit or or simply looking for advice on how to do so.

After reading all the advice, I know there’s no magic bullet. It all depends on the person and their situation. But I felt compelled to write this so that I - Determined - can look at it and remind myself where my head is today.

I am not religious so not sure that a 12-step program where one calls on a higher power will work for me. But I’ve made notes. I’m going to eat an apple when I get home from work. I’m going to practice coding, which I’ve just taken up as a hobby. I’m going to try SO HARD to leave weed. I’m determined to do it.
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#1

Postby JoeBloggs » Sat Oct 14, 2017 2:42 pm

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#2

Postby FindingMe » Sun Oct 15, 2017 3:54 am

Thank you so much for that, Joe - I read it word by word and it’s quite possibly the most comprehensive tool I’ve found to accompany me on this mission.
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#3

Postby Rikagain » Sun Oct 15, 2017 8:34 am

Hey Determined,
Congratulations on your decision to quit, that alone is a huge step, you sound like you really have had enough, I know the feeling and believe me, you absolutely can do this.

I smoked weed/cannabis for 30 years, chronic/daily for most of that time. I'm now almost at 7 months since my quit day! Yes it's difficult at the beginning but it gets easier as time passes.

Go for it! You'll feel liberated, inspired and you'll start feeling benefits of being weed free sooner than you think. Post your experience on here, writing things down helps greatly and you can always ask for advice or just a bit of encouragement if you're struggling.
We're here for you, you've got this, you can do it!
Good luck, much peace,
Rik
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#4

Postby FindingMe » Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:04 am

Thank you, Rik! I’m grateful for the support brother. Congratulations on your 7 months and don’t ever look back. I’ve got another 10 days away until I get home. It’s a blessing in that it gives me some detox time. I’m feeling so good right now - usually I’m down for the first couple of days but I feel optimistic about this. I need to stop.
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#5

Postby Rikagain » Mon Oct 16, 2017 6:32 pm

You're welcome my friend. That's great that you'll have some time off under your belt before you get home, think about this, if you can get to ten days when you're back home you'll be well on your way.
I know it won't be easy but just take it one day at a time and the benefits will start to show, and that will spur you on further.
You won't regret it, think of it as getting your life back and being you again.
Good luck, keep posting and above all, don't be too hard on yourself. Myself and others are here if you need any advice or encouragement.
Much peace to you,
Rik
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#6

Postby FindingMe » Tue Nov 14, 2017 2:09 am

Tomorrow marks one month since I posted this - and exactly 33 days without weed. I’ve had my challenges - getting to sleep/staying asleep isn’t as easy and I have had some bad dreams here and there, but I feel really good overall. I feel like I have much more clarity of thought and am more confident when I talk to people. I can look them in the eyes and not have to wonder if they can tell if I’m high. My motivation is much higher and so is my output. I find myself having to control my anxiety and emotions more, which requires effort but the benefits outweigh the difficulty. I am going to stay the course! I don’t know if this is permanent - I’m not anti-weed all of the sudden, but I am looking to improve myself and it seems like I’m on a good track. Thank you for the support and I am here to help anyone else who needs it.
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#7

Postby seeingthelight » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:32 pm

Great job FindingMe! I'm exactly 10 days behind you. With all the positives you have going on in life, it's great you decided to give it up
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#8

Postby Rikagain » Tue Nov 14, 2017 11:14 pm

Hey Findingme, I'm so glad you've kept going! 33 days is amazing, a massive achievement.
And Seeingthelight....great going and a big well done. I'm proud of you both and I'm with you all the way.
Much peace,
Rik.
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#9

Postby seeingthelight » Tue Nov 14, 2017 11:45 pm

It's great you've decided to make a change in your life! Take the first step, put it down and perceiver through the ups and downs. You have a lot going for you and can make a fresh start in your life. I use to love smoking.. But it's not worth the trouble it brings at all, period. From legal troubles to money spent to time lost to mental/physical health issues.. It's just bad news. On the flip side, your life will improve drastically. Go for it!!
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