Advice Please

Postby ThatNerdyMom » Mon Oct 16, 2017 3:43 am

Sorry for the rather lengthy post to come. Just for notes, I am a 21 year old married female.

When my parents met, my father was an addict. My mother came from a better home life but upon meeting my father, they fed off of one another and both became addicted to meth and prescription drugs to the point where they were homeless. When my mother became pregnant with me, the two of them got clean and started living a better life. They were doing good until I was 2 and my mother had my sister. She is special needs and was supposed to die within a couple years of her birth, so her diagnosis was pretty serious. I think that her condition was so serious that it scared my father and he ended up using drugs again. He wandered in and out of jail until I was about 6 and that is when my mother and father begun their divorce.

With an absent father, my mother relied pretty heavily on me to take care of my sister (feeding, changing, medication, etc.) and I didn’t mind. However, it did cause me to miss out on my childhood as I didn’t hang out with friends or such. When I was 7, my mother and father decided to take us to Texas and that night, my father molested me. He claimed to be asleep as I told my mother right after it happened because I had pretended to be asleep and was scared. She chose not to call the cops so it never went reported. My father came back to live with us a couple years later and nothing ever happened again. He was in and out of jail and prison though. Up until I was about 9, I endured sexual abuse from 2 of my older cousins as well.

When I was 12, my mother met a man online and within 6 months he came to live with us. They had a daughter who was 7 at the time. She never had a mother in the picture because she was a drug addict as well. Well, my mother and this man decided to get married and did so within another year. After they got together, they went out a lot. Every weekend, I watched my sister and new step sister. I fed them and put them to bed so my mom and step dad could go out. We lived in a rougher area so my mom never wanted me to have friends over but I had a cousin that lived nearby and came over. So, I spent most of my time taking care of kids. There were times when they would leave and we wouldn’t have food to feed the kids. I would try to get ahold of them and they would never call back or answer me.

Within the next couple years, my mom had another child. However, they quickly begun partying again and I watched my sisters. My mother and stepfather started becoming addicted to Xanax, norco, and ambien. There was one time in particular where I woke up to my baby sister (maybe 1 at the time) puking and asperating on her vomit in her crib which was in my parent’s room. I got her up and cleaner her up but my mom and stepdad were so messed up from drugs that they wouldn’t wake up. I was only about 16 at the time and was calling the doctor and holding her all night. This was how it was for quite some time. I started working when I was 15 and I gave a lot of my money to my family.

It was terrible. My mother would play head games, telling me she was going to kill herself just to make me cry. My mom and step dad weren’t too physical abusive. My mom would slap me across the place and pull hear. She hit me a couple times with closed fists and he only picked me up and threw me down. They would just tell me that I was going to amount to nothing and be just like my father. I was really depressed and said I wanted to kill myself and they told me to do it. My grandmother is just like they are and she told me to kill myself too and even offered to buy me the razors. I of course, did not follow through as I made a promise to myself that my sisters needed me.

When I was 17, I moved out with my now husband. Even though I moved out, my family still puts me through the same psychological torture and head games. My mother keeps my son so I can go to college and she threatens me with not keeping him if I don’t watch my sisters or do certain things for her. It’s always a problem that she keeps him. She also doesn’t even really watch him as I have rushed home from him eating sanitizer and even letting him eat frozen chicken. My mother and grandmother tell me that I am a bad mom because I work and go to school. Although, I am doing it for him to make a better life for him. They believe that working and going to college is a break compared to her being a stay at home mom with my sisters. However, my now 16-year-old step sister has taken over for me. She is now watching my special needs sister, my once baby sister who is 6, and my mom had another child who is now 3. So, my step sister cares for them while my mom goes out all the time and gambles their house payments away. My sister’s disability checks don’t go to her and she has a terrible life. They send her to school and she comes home and sits in the same spot every day, all day. They don’t take her shoes off until bed and don’t change her clothes until the next day so she sleeps in jeans. They also only give her pop to drink so her teeth have rot. They only give her an enema once a week or two so she poops. Other than that, she can’t go alone because she has severe constipation so then she is in a ton of pain.

Despite all of this, my grandmother gives her pain pills away to my mom to support her addiction. My step sister is severely depressed and suicidal however my mom and step dad won’t put her in therapy because they don’t want her to tell what goes on in the house. They won’t even put her on antidepressants or anything because they said depression is an excuse. Anyways, my grandmother and I talked today and she thinks that I should go and take care of my mom’s house and help her but I have a life of my own. I go to school and work. I don’t have time as it is. She then proceeded to tell me that I asked for what happened to me as a child and that it is my fault that I had a bad childhood. She also implied that I lied about being sexually abused because “the likelihood that 3 people would abuse you is slim”. However, my therapists in the past told me that after the first time, you become an easy target.

My mother still doesn’t want me in therapy because of her fear of me telling what goes on. Honestly, that is why I am here. I am afraid to talk to a therapist about all of this. Because I am afraid they will take my sisters away and split them up. Plus, my special needs sister can’t talk and I am so scared that she will be hurt and she can’t tell us. Despite everything, I love my family and I know they would never have anything to do with me again. In the past, I only talked about the sexual abuse and bullying I went through. I never talked about all of the home stuff. So, my question is what should I do? Can I talk to a therapist about this and not affect my sisters? I am so confused about everything. I am sorry for the lengthy post. If any additional information is needed, let me know.
ThatNerdyMom
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Mon Oct 16, 2017 8:25 am

ThatNerdyMom wrote:My mother keeps my son so I can go to college . . .

For the life of me, I don't understand why, after your experiences at this household, you would place your own son into that environment on a regular basis . . . college or no college.

ThatNerdyMom wrote:She then proceeded to tell me that I asked for what happened to me as a child and that it is my fault that I had a bad childhood.

Certainly, you are not. Consider the source of that comment.

Besides your concern for your underage siblings, is there anything else keeping you attached to this hellhole of a place?

ThatNerdyMom wrote:My mother still doesn’t want me in therapy because of her fear of me telling what goes on.

It's none of her business whether or not you are in therapy. Don't make it her business by telling her.

Ideally, you'd cut her out of your life, for the sake of bringing some sanity to your life. I once had a friend who mentioned something about 'collateral damage' . . . I don't know if you can handle that, but that's how life is at times.
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#2

Postby Translucent » Tue Oct 17, 2017 7:48 am

I say talk to your husband about all of this, and focus on your close family: your husband and child. It sounds like your mom has had a lot of enablers in her life, such as a mother who gave her her own medication, and a daughter who looked after her children. That's what enabled her lifestyle of getting messed up.

Another option is to stand up and tell your mom that if she doesn't get her life in check, then she's gonna lose all her support from you. You can even stage an intervention with the whole family.
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