A retrospective into my past, was I a Sociopath?

Postby StrawberryJam » Thu Oct 19, 2017 5:18 am

Let me introduce my story with a better title : Was I growing into a full sociopath? ( but then, something stopped me)
I'm an adult, woman and I'm making this introspective about my past.

Sometimes it crosses my minds, I get these sudden flashbacks and memories of my past. Such a blurry past!
I remember things and I also don't.
My mother kept telling my about these events of my childhood where I would stand alone with my newborn brother and hit him with a doll, or make a mess and blame it on him. I couldn't think of myself as being a creepy kid.
I was trying to forget many things I did back then. They were extremely heavy to remind of. All I heard the most about me was that I used to be a very needy kid, who would cry a lot, get extremely anxious and fearful. I prefer that version of me.
I can recall being about 9-10 and pinching my other baby brother just to see how much he could endure the pain until he starts to express it facially. I remember being the friend who controls everything and did love to disobey and would get very angry if I didn't get what I wanted. But who doesn't? I used to get bullied (verbally and physically ) at school. I had to fight. I started to steal a lot, for fun but it wasn't very bad. I recall stealing even when I was a kid. I also developed a passion for lighting up anything on fire.
I had a rough childhood, living in poverty and with a very narcissistic father who I suspect he might had a few sociopathic traits. I began to get aggressive and not giving a single *bleep* at school anymore. I hated the rules, I hated authority. I was wild and had no discipline. I was in total denial of consequences, of myself and how I was towards other. In my mid teenage years I began to develop weird ideas and psychological mechanisms to not feel anything emotionally. I had this clear idea that I had to act differently in front of certain individuals in order to manipulate them or make them believe I was ''this or that''. I liked the idea of that. I also had this very superficial personality that looked like I was either Cool and open or very eccentric to provoke other students, mildly. I always got into trouble or else life would be boring. I lied all the time.
I wasn't sexually promiscuous, but was very addicted to masturbation, watching pornography, exhibitionism ( early adult years)...
I had a significant lack of remorse and empathy. People could easily detect it. I wasn't at all aggressive anymore but I would use some kind of bully behavior to scare off anyone who wanted to challenge me or bully me. I wouldn't be angry at all, I would just fake everything to look even more mad. But then it got out of hands at 14 when I began believing in my anger towards a few bullies and I wrote a full 10 pages of how I would torture my classmates. I think I got depressed at 15 and went to for a total change at 16. I wanted to be someone else, girly and nice. So I got back into my previous school where I got expelled lol and I got all the fame and appreciation from the students. I was finally happy and kinda normal but still lying and manipulating. Then something happened between a friend and we fought online over some stupid stuff and it didn't got long before I got into this horrible version of myself. I got so angry and every nights I would think, fantasize and plot numerous scenes of murder and torture. I was insane! I couldn't sleep because I wanted to murder an individual so bad, it made me excited emotionally. The only reason I did not do it, was my lack of organisation and lazyness. I got over it but I went to try many ways to get my revenge on the internet. I then became a huge A-hole in my early adult life after high-school. I would just send cruel message to people who haven't done anything to me... good friends, jut because I enjoyed it. When I got caught I stopped, I didn't want to be seen as a horrible person. I've come a long way. I'm not this person anymore and I regret it! Why was I so disgusting? I even remember seeing my reflection in the mirror and saw how dead my eyes were. It felt scary. It was like something was eating my soul. Never in my life I will be like that. I have empathy and remorse now... it might not be very high but it is way better.
Was I growing into a sociopath ?
I'm afraid that one day I will relapse or lose control and do something really bad. I don't even trust myself sometimes...
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Oct 19, 2017 1:18 pm

Doesn't sound at all sociopathic to me. It sounds like a person that had varying struggles with low self-esteem. It sounds like you never learned effective ways to build self-esteem and/or cope with normal, everyday issues such as other kids teasing or making fun of you, etc.

If you are afraid of relapse, learn coping skills and build up your self-esteem.
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#2

Postby StrawberryJam » Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:48 pm

hmm.. I might not have been one like you said. However, it still feels scary to know that I enjoyed hurting people, mentally and physically. Like seeing someone crying of pain or being hurt by my words made me disturbingly satisfied. I still like to be an A-hole. I love the appreciation I get when I roast people online lol but it's not harmful. It's more about making people seeing me as ''cool'' and funny. Sometimes, I think I should stop... but yes, I do got very low self-esteem. In my teenage years I was quite confident but more like careless and impulsive. Very teenage-like, I guess.
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#3

Postby laureat » Fri Oct 20, 2017 4:40 am

Based on your post; The reason you asking questions is because you feel guilty: which is the opposite of a person with lack of empathy and feelings of guilt identified as a psychopath:

The desire to tease someone is mostly a playful state of the mind: which is the opposite with a sociopath, psychopath which has no interest to play


Based on your comment i dont see You have something to do with those : your problems are all different from what you believe:

you feeling guilt, you are unsure about oneself, you believe you must have a psychological problem, you are convinced about it


And this belief has been created by those who told you to feel guilt about how felt when you were as a kid: cry

Babies and kids cry because parents are ignorants and dont know how to fulfill their needs: not because something wrong with them


Or how about this one? Why dont the parents try something else before they say there is something wrong about the kid,

something like the parent is stupid : and sure it is more possible instead
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#4

Postby StrawberryJam » Fri Oct 20, 2017 5:09 pm

Yes, it is only when I got 23-24 that I started to feel guilt. It took me a long time to develop empathy and remorse. I might just had troubles with my emotional development. I used to only superficially regret something I did if it would break my image. I think I started to be like my father, maybe. I think I just got ''infected'' by his character. I was a good kid until I unconsciously learned his behavior to survive my environment.

On the other side my dad has some serious issues, he's uncurable!
I remember going on a french forum asking what my father has in a list which contained a very precise description of him.
Someone told me he was the perfect example of a '' Pervers Narcissique '' a term only recognized in French psychology.
It's a ''devious narcissist '' or someone who gets a feeling of superiority by belittling people.
And these people cannot change unless they want to but they usually never. They don't acknowledge their issue and they hate when someone wants to get into their head.
But I still suspect he has other devious traits such as :
'' He mentioned many times he had fun exploding frogs, dismantling butterfly wings or wanting to stomp on a mouse for no reason ( he might've lied, thinking we would believe he has a great heart for not doing it).''
He always gets in trouble with the law or money.
He used to gamble a lot!! To the point of getting my mom in trouble.
He always tried to make her do things in bed she wouldn't comfortable with or cheat on her.
He used a lot of his ''friends'' for personal gain (he still does).
His friends are just business, nothing more.
Doesn't have a past or just a very confusing past.
His family does not talk to him...
He engaged in very perverted activities with his friends and brother while married.
Use pity to manipulate, manipulates all the time.
Lies all the time.
Denies everything he did wrong as if it disappeared in his memory.
Has MANY faces.
No remorse, no empathy. Fake guilt demonstrated in public ( another way to use pity).
Very, very superficially charming.

Since we all know the way he manipulates and the way he is, he has lost his game. He feels out of control and has totally gone crazy. He isolates from us a lot or tries other ways to gain our trust. He's not a master mind but he needs to go away and give my mother some peace of mind.
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#5

Postby laureat » Fri Oct 20, 2017 10:16 pm

It is insecure people
It is people with no confidence: those who enjoy do stupid things

A confident personality may correct the others when are wrong but they dont do it for pleasure
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#6

Postby Infinite » Sat Oct 21, 2017 3:28 pm

To me it sounds like you grew up in a very hostile environment and you felt neglected or maybe were abused (and do not recall or did not register or dissociated or something)...but at the end, your core self is not sociopath or anything.
I hope you find a great therapist to help you integrate.

You sound wise and caring and extremely self reflective and introspective...all qualities not found in sociopath/psychopathy.

good luck
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#7

Postby StrawberryJam » Sat Oct 21, 2017 5:17 pm

Thank you. '' Infinite''
I can officially say that I was not a sociopath. (i'm relieved I'm not just lying to myself and became actually insane lol :lol: )
I just thought I was growing or transforming into one. But, now I feel better knowing I got some humanity in me left. It's as if all of what I switch off got out years later and I felt all of this guilt coming out. Something I wasn't used to. I still have to work on my character and understand people a little more. I'm a natural analyzer and I can decode people's behaviors and reactions clearly but yes I can't always understand why would someone be angry or crying in my perspective because according to me I wouldn't feel the same if I was in their situation. That's the one thing I should work on a bit. I reeeaaaally do not want to be like my dad. He is one person you do not want to be around for too long!
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