I can't let go of him

#30

Postby Chicagogirly91 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:35 pm

Heres how I feel, I KNOW I should let him go because he's not good for me if I have these thoughts of self harming. But then there are times when he's loving to me that its hard for me to let go, I'm back at square 1. I also think about the times I felt like he was cheating because of the WAY he treated ME, he would be around the ex. It's clear to me that I know he still loves her but I also feel that with her being out of the picture and him blocking her, we may have a chance. I'm not blaming her per se , but I am saying that she was a distraction for HIM. Is this a reflection on me? No. I just know that maybe he's trying? We do things as a couple. We don't have sex much and when we do, I can't help but to wonder if he's thinking of her and not me.

There was a day that he told me that he wanted the ex around and if I didn't like it, we weren't going to work out. So I said I was going to move out. That day was a mess. I contacted the ex to see if she wanted him back. She told me she was open to them being friends. That gave me more of a reason to try and work things out with him, only for him to tell me that night that I don't turn him on and the things he wanted to do with the ex, sexually. Typing down all these things helps me wonder why I even am still around!

When we first got together, I moved in to his house and I remember the time when I didnt have my couch and loveseat sold, he asked me what I was going to do with it. I told him that I was going to either sell it or take it to the Goodwill. He told me a "friend" would like it and is looking for couches. I asked who the friend was and it was HER. It's almost as if he has a way of throwing her in my face all the time and I sit there and tell him I don't like that they are friends only for him to turn around and see her behind my back. This was just last year.

So now that he has her on blocked and isn't in touch with her, tells me that he's at least trying. Which makes it even harder for me to let go right now.
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#31

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:52 pm

Chicagogirly91 wrote:Not much of anything. Only the fact that she doesn't have him and I do.


You don’t actually have him. You have cut yourself and threatened suicide as a way to manipulate him. You pay for things to try and buy him. Extortion is not a basis for having anyone.

All you are doing is trying to avoid, trying to delay the inevitable of one day of having to confront yourself. You are investing so much time and energy trying to manipulate others in an effort to postpone the day when you must face yourself.

The thing is, facing yourself is not really as tough as you might imagine. Dealing with your low self worth is not an insurmountable hurdle by any means. Sure, it is not fun at first, it is not fun to acknowledge the way you think of yourself and the ways you try and manipulate others so that you can avoid confronting yourself. But, once you start the process, once you start seeing your self worth begin to build, it quickly can build your confidence and you will find yourself in a much better place.
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#32

Postby Chicagogirly91 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:05 pm

Thank you all for being honest with me. I guess that's why he stays with me because he doesn't want to see me hurt nyself. I guess he does care
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#33

Postby Chicagogirly91 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:09 pm

Quick question to you all ...does anyone believe that he'll try and get back in touch with that ex?
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#34

Postby laureat » Wed Nov 01, 2017 12:29 pm

He has already proven not to be a trustworthy guy and he is doing you no good: and that is all we need to know
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#35

Postby quietvoice » Wed Nov 01, 2017 1:47 pm

Chicagogirly91 wrote:Thank you all for being honest with me. I guess that's why he stays with me because he doesn't want to see me hurt nyself. I guess he does care

You GUESS that he does. That doesn't make it true. He's not staying with you. You are staying with him, for God-knows-what reason. He lets you stay with him so that you can pay his bills, both for the household and for his real girlfriend, which he covers up by caller her the ex.

If you need repetition to get the point, here it is:

He likes that you are paying his bills.
He likes that you are paying his bills.
He likes that you are paying his bills.
He likes that you are paying his bills.
He likes that you are paying his bills.
He likes that you are paying his bills.
He likes that you are paying his bills.
Etc.

Chicagogirly91 wrote:Quick question to you all ...does anyone believe that he'll try and get back in touch with that ex?

Yes. He's currently in touch with her, and telling you that he is not. That's my belief. What are you going to do about knowing my belief? Ignore it? Why bother asking?
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#36

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:21 pm

Chicagogirly91 wrote: I guess that's why he stays with me because he doesn't want to see me hurt nyself. I guess he does care


Wrong. Why should he care about you when you don’t care about yourself, when you don’t respect yourself? Why she he care about you when all you try to do is manipulate him?

You TRY to manipulate others by hurting yourself. That doesn’t make him care about you. It does the exact opposite. You end up being used by a person that doesn’t care about you and will gladly take your money while having sex with other women.

His decisions of whether or not to continue cheating, seeing other women, etc. are only reinforced when you do things that demonstrate you do not care for yourself, that you don’t respect yourself.

Anyway, I’m beginning to think you are either an advanced troll, posting for some sort of laugh, or you just crave attention so much that you keep repeating the same questions as to get a response. So, I am going to politely bow out of this thread with one final comment.

HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOU. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even respect you and he never will as long as you continue to prove to him time and again that you have no respect for yourself. He will continue to use you and cheat on you.
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#37

Postby Chicagogirly91 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 6:39 pm

I do apologize if my posts come off as if I am trolling but I am not. My problem is I am looking for a response that I am not receiving and that is that he cares about me somewhat.

Please know that the comments that I've received will not be a waste. I want to believe SO BAD that he could and does love me. I saw a slight change in his behavior towards the way he was handling things involving the ex. But I guess it truly wasn't for my benefit. I came in to a situation where it was not good for me.

He loves HER, not me. And I have to accept that. When they broke up, he tattooed the word "DAMAGED" down his left arm because thats how he felt after they broke up. I should have known better. I'm too busy trying to win his heart when I don't have it nor have I ever. Loving him hurts me physically, emotionally and mentally. I guess I want justifications on staying with him. But I can't continue living and feeling this way.
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#38

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 01, 2017 7:17 pm

Chicagogirly91 wrote: My problem is I am looking for a response that I am not receiving and that is that he cares about me somewhat.


You are not receiving the response you want, because to provide such a response would be a lie, a disservice.

Based on what you posted he does not care for you in any way, shape or form outside whatever way he can benefit off you from your low self esteem. Him getting a tattoo “damaged” shows that he is just as bad at manipulation as you are. That is a manipulation tactic to make another person feel sorry our guilty, to manipulate other people. “Look at me, feel sorry for me, I’m damaged, boo hoo.” And he will use that tattoo in future pursuits of more women, trying to manipulate and prey on them by playing victim of a broken heart.

It is IMO a pathetic state of affairs. All of us experience broken hearts in life. We all experience various forms of grief. To then use that grief as a way to try and manipulate other people shows an individual that has no respect for themselves and no respect for others.

You are both trying to manipulate others using grief as a weapon. He doesn’t care about you past how he can manipulate you out of more money.
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#39

Postby quietvoice » Wed Nov 01, 2017 9:32 pm

Chicagogirly91 wrote:I dI want to believe SO BAD that he could and does love me.

Why? What is your motive for wanting this boy's attention?

And I ask this question again—what makes HIM so special that you'll do anything for him? I know that the answer is "Nothing." And until you believe THAT, you will suffer in your miserable state of mind.

Chicagogirly91 wrote:I dI want to believe SO BAD that he could and does love me.

As he currently stands, he is not even capable of loving you. Chasing after an impossible dream, you are.

Chicagogirly91 wrote:I dI want to believe SO BAD that he could and does love me.

So long as you look outward/outside of you for your answers, your happiness will continue to be non-existent.
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#40

Postby Chicagogirly91 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:50 pm

These comments have been VERY hard to read but I'm taking them all in. I have absolutely no idea why I love this man. Something I need to evaluate alone. He defi nitely doesn't deserve my love. Thank you all for taking the time out to respond. My heart has been so broken. It's true I AM delaying the inevitable. He's worth losing. I was holding on to him blocking someone that means/meant so much to him ...thinking it was FINALLY out of respect for our relationship for once. I know that's ridiculous but that's what I held on to.
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#41

Postby gaestraidr » Sun Nov 05, 2017 11:54 pm

Is this still open? Man I want to say something, you can ignore it if you had gotten your resolution.

Chica, somehow, Richard and quietvoice is telling you to break the root source of your current burden, don't be confused whether your boyfriend care for you or not.

If you can't decide, it's better for you tobe alone for while, isolate yourself from him, and you did said that he has a kids with him right?

This some of my question, did you have attached feeling toward their kids? If so, how much attachment you had with his kids?

While that question just something you could ignore, I want to remind you,

Don't harm yourself, even if you can't bear the pain.

Self-worth is indeed a common things you need to remember for all your past action, if you thought that will put his line, that just gonna make him more wary of you.

You demand affection, and he didn't gave you, then you're confused whether he's deemed tobe with you or not, and all you could think of was that girl he's cheating with.

Then once again, isolate yourself for while. Find a courage to separate from him, I know it's hard to do that as you did have attachment toward the person, but it could show you how to choose if you really think this is in a bring of working or not.

You could stay around your family, for how long you want to decide, or maybe your friends place.

Once you preserve a peace in mind, then decide your option. Don't let your feeling be blinded this time. So choose with your utmost thought.
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#42

Postby Chicagogirly91 » Fri Nov 17, 2017 5:09 pm

I do appreciate everyone's feedback, advice , and opinions.....you all were right. I don't know how long they've been back in contact but I saw a text he sent her in his phone that said "I'm overwhelmed with work. I need some of your lovings". I'm so upset with him and myself that I don't know what to think..
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#43

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Fri Nov 17, 2017 6:19 pm

Chicagogirly91 wrote: I'm so upset with him and myself that I don't know what to think..


It’s not about thinking anymore. It is about doing, It is about taking action. You leave!
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#44

Postby seeingthelight » Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:33 pm

If it isn't a good healthy match, you need to just let go
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