Grief, Truama and Family issues

Postby Infinite » Sun Oct 29, 2017 3:14 pm

I was abused by my mother physically, emotionally and mentally until I was 19. I am 46 now.
She was brutal in biting, spitting, (tying us up when we become too tall and big so we did not fight back), using electrical cords and woods to beat me and my siblings.

I stopped talking to my mother in 2014 for the last time due to her extreme mouth abuse, manipulation, and being critical...writing this is making me shake cause that is how much I am still dealing with that PTSD I got from all this abuse.

Now, yesterday my father died. My parents and most of my siblings live in different city.
I do not want to talk to my mother but I want to visit my family this time BUT some of my siblings who are in denial about our trauma are pushing me to talk to my mother. I am not comfortable. I have been in intensive therapy since in July to start the process of grieving my lost childhood and I am not open to jump back to my mother and pretend anymore. I do not think in all fairness I can be normal around her anymore...my feelings are raw since the therapy and I am not willing to fall back that sick family dynamics again!

I am at cross road and feel like skipping to go there and take the consequences of losing twosiblings maybe more over this.

Did you guys ever have similar experience?

I have had few violent dreams in the past few days to indicate I need to face something right on....on my face sort of...and feel this is it.

thank you for sharing your experiences and how you dealt with this kind of family dilemma.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sun Oct 29, 2017 10:52 pm

There is nothing wrong with staying away from a person you consider toxic, i.e. your mother.

As for your siblings. When you talk to them, tell them very directly and firmly not to discuss your mother. If they discuss her, let them know that you will immediately end the conversation. If you visit and they mention her, you will leave. Establish these rules upfront with your siblings.

If your siblings do not respect your request, then you do not contact them. You let them know you care about them, wish them the best in life, but if they will not respect you not wanting to discuss the topic of your mother, then you have nothing more to say.

This makes it very clear. You can happily discuss any other topic with them. You can discuss whatever else is going on in life without issue.

As for going to a funeral or any location where you might see your mother. Don’t. You can show your respect another time. DO NOT allow your siblings to use the funeral as leverage.
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#2

Postby Infinite » Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:19 pm

Thanks Richard.

It is amazing how you mentioned saying any topic but our mother....I did that with a sister and she broke the rule and we stopped talking for a year!

They do not respect boundaries and you are right they are using the funeral (my father died in another country so this is just really family gathering ...only one other siblings with many children is not coming).

I already decided not to go this time and will visit when I can have more control over my whereabouts to visit my other siblings who are open and caring to keep a relationship.

Thank you for the great, in depth response. You confirmed what I was thinking so I do not feel so alone.

thank you so much
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#3

Postby laureat » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:28 am

the reasoning of forgiveness idea: is to simply let go frustration or at least to not call importance over the person so we can move forwards with our lives

The symptoms you mentioned ( shaking because of the comment ) tells there is lots of frustration about the topic which you didnt address

I dont think its a good idea to use the funeral to solve personal problems: so better not go : but i dont think ignoring helps you feel better, i think its best for you one day: to see your mother and have little chat

I had really bad experiences with my x : she was cheating, she was/is doing drugs, she was fighting all the time, she abandoned me and my 2 yo daughter : i hated her so bad : but all that hate was doing me and my daughter bi good i cannot live with that: so my only option was forgiveness: so i can find peace for myself
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#4

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 1:57 pm

Hi Laureat,

Thank you for taking the time to read, understand and respond to my comment. I truly appreciate this.

I want to say few things:
Forgiveness is a personal journey and matter and never has anything to do with the person who inflicted us pain...sometimes that person is even dead. So my comment was not about forgiveness. It was about family dynamics and societal/group pressure to do something one would not do otherwise...or different circumstances. This time funeral was being used to railroad me into facing my mother...as you said, not the best time...so yes you are right about that.

The little chat! I want to say to you that the damage your ex did to your children will not be something a little chat will fix. You are a man who met this woman and no longer with her but those two little girls will be paying that price when they are your age or mine (I can say this with certainty)...they may lead (and hope they do) a great life but that implicit memory of being abandoned will be something they will deal with forever until they process it in conscious way.

As a little chat with my mother, same thing, I am 46!!!!! do you honestly think I never had a chat wtih my mother about anything? LOL sorry ...I am in a better mood today. The reasons I broke up with my mother many times are not what happened then but what comes out her mouth now! I had many talks with her...just like you had many talks with your ex...did that change anything NO! Some relationships chats do not make a dent....
My mother beat the hell out of me all my life? Do you think if you beat your child, she should have a little chat with you in 40yrs?My mother pinched, bit, spit, whipped and threw shoes and stuff at me and my siblings. We were terrorized all our lives. She did not stop until we came to North America (cause she could have gone to jail)....we were taller, stronger, and bigger and could beat her back in our teen years, but you can understand the impact of abuse after so many years, we were submitted, subdued physially sometimes, and generally became prisoner and I forgave her and stayed in relationship with her over the years...albeit broke up many years too due to the severity of her mouth and emotional abuse!

Chat is good for a happy couple! there is no chat in abuse.

some of us are driven by life and some are driven by destruction, my mother and you ex are those...unless they change and want to have a chat about that, nothing changes...we just move on.

I do not hate my mother. I have processed a lot of my issues. I am very happily married and have a great friends.

I was shaking writing because I was recognizing that I may lose two siblings (that were always on the fence about me and our mom) in this situation.

They do not want to deal with their trauma so it is easier (in my opinion) to focus on me. Why am I not talking to mom? oooh it is not about this or that...it is because Infinite is a bad person...that is easier to deal with than deal with what could mom do to deserve a cut off? even though they also experience the same thing, they want to follow the rules of the society, always have a little chat, put everything under the carpet, if it is too painful, there are pills for that and just keep moving until you die!

I am choosing another route. face it. Accept it. and take my contribution out of it.

PS. If you want to give a fake life situation to your daughters about their mother or your real reactions, they will pay that price with their own dating and marriages and life in general. I hope you take a different route of dealing with yours than average person does which just keeps the trauma in families.
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#5

Postby laureat » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:01 pm

When i say " forgiveness " it is the idea of letting the frustration and hate out and not live with it: which not necessary you need to talk to your mother but you get my point

I dont talk to my x: i just dont live with any hate about her
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