painful experience, shyness, anxiety, emiotional detachment?

Postby ferdinanda » Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:18 pm

I, unfortunately, had a crush on a guy who I think has social anxiety issues...

We used to live in the same dorm.

We saw each other for the first time as we settled in, because destiny made us arrive and check in on the same day, at the same time, but we haven't been introduced.

Since that day, everytime we bumped into each other, we barely exchanged glances.

At the beginning, he used to hang aroung the study room downstairs where I go, too. I noticed him making eye contact with me. I remember that, once, I took the personal challenge to give him a longer glance and I felt incredibly surprised as I realized that He didn't look away at all, but he kept staring at me!

The following time I met him, I was standing down at the corner of the street, waiting for the tram, and I saw him going out of the dorm and moving towards the tram stop, too... We both felt comfortable with staring at each other from afar, but at that moment, he walked right past me. I dropped my gaze down on the floor, while he might have expected me to nod to him...

After some weeks, I was walking down the street and suddenly saw him from a distance, while walking in the opposite direction. He was widely smiling! My eyes lingered at him for few seconds, just to see if he was smiling absent-mindedly or if he was smiling right at me! As I confirmed the second hypothesis, 'cause he was looking straight at me while smiling, I suddenly turned my head away, I started blushing, feeling awkward and embarrassed. I nervously took my phone out of my pocket and pretended to check it... An inner wise voice was loudly telling me: "don't be impolite, like you did last time, nod to him this time! Stop being shy!". That voice ordered me to return his smile.

Then I raised my head, but at the moment I half smiled him back, he flashed me a nervous look and He picked up his phone.

We were closer and I was ready to silently nod to him, because he was about to call somebody, I thought, but I had to hold back from doing it, because he passed me by with his shoulders hunched and his head down (a hermetic posture).

We met other times, but never spoke to each other. After a while, I decided to make the first move, I found the courage to post a letter through his door, in which I wrote that he surely knew me by sight, that I just wanted to make his acquaintance and that, if he wanted to, he could contact me at the number I wrote below. 6 days later, on Sunday, He texted me, telling me that He was willing to meet up in the following week.

We exchanged some text messages and, since we lived in the same dorm, I found it silly to introduce oneself in that way, that’s why I stuck to generalities, waiting for him to ask me out or make a move. On Thursday evening, I replied to one of his texts saying "we could talk about that in person" hoping that he’d get the hint… but didn’t reply at all. After few days I wrote him again, apologizing for not being precise, telling him that I didn’t mean for us to meet that evening! (I thought he may be frightened of that, thus he ignored my text) Finally, He asked me out for a coffee. As we met, I asked him if he already knew that I was the author of the letter, but he answered that he hadn’t the faintest idea of the author’s face. Then I asked him if, at least, he knew me by sight and he nodded. That seemed weird, because I known for sure, that He didn’t know anybody else in the dorm, except from another boy. Furthermore, he never asked me how I got to know the position of his room, even though in the letter I wrote that I would reveal it (I felt awkward to tell him).

To keep my tale brief, I will just tell you that, even if we didn’t have another date after that first one (He postponed without rescheduling the second one, telling me he was busy), I thought I got some mixed signals and I yearned to stop wondering if he was into me or not.

One day, I was alone in the study room. He saw me and came to see me. After a while, I changed the tone of the conversation: I confessed to him the way I found out his room, telling him that I just saw him getting in his room, which is downstairs, one day, when we got in together through the main door. Though he replied that he already guessed that, I explained that I felt the necessity to be honest (I wanted him to trust me more).

After then, I rewound back to the moment when we met along the street. At the beginning, he was acting like a skeptic, pretending not to know what I was talking about. As a reflex, I started feeling confused, I even started doubting, so I said "damn, I feel stupid, I may have confused you with someone else," while scratching my head. He reassured me, asserting that “He might be him, since I often walk down that street… so, chill out, there’s a chance that was me“. I clammed up, not knowing what to say. We were both embarrassed; then, with his head down, he sarcastically said "well… I feel observed!" and he walked away.



I really didn’t know what to think, so after a week, I sent him a text confessing that I started having a crush on him since I bumped into him that day, asking him to let me know his opinion on that. 3 days later I sent him another text, in order to fix this embarrassing situation, telling him that I got the meaning of his silence, that I respected his choice and suggesting him to remain on friendly terms. I desperately got ghosted by him.

I wished He could have openly rejected me, even with some excuse.

After a while, before He left the town, I accidentally bumped into him many times, because he strangely started smoking outside at the entrance. He seemed kind and nice but we never evoked that topic again.

I remember that when I asked him "when are you leaving exactly?" He answered me with his voice shaking, while looking me straight in the eyes.

He even proposed to give me away his last foodstuffs.

I asked him whether he has any social network or Whatsapp, in order to keep in contact, but He said no, so we swapped our e-mail addresses.

I remember that in the moment when I revealed him my complete first name, He blurted out a compliment on it (cute name!) and all of sudden, visibly destabilised and umconfortable, He added something else, which didn't make sense :mrgreen: , just to cover for himself, like saying that it was better than my short name of my e-mail address (which doesn't exist).
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 30, 2017 2:04 am

ferdinanda wrote:I, unfortunately, had a crush on a guy who I think has social anxiety issues...


What you meant to write, is that you have social anxiety issues and had a crush on a guy. Whether or not he has any issues is irrelevant. The way you went about pursuing a relationship would eventually turn pretty much any guy off.
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#2

Postby ferdinanda » Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:08 am

So, do you think He was far from being into me? Or do you think I simply turned him off?
Yes, I admit that I probably was wrong by mading the first move with the letter that I stuck on his door...

Why didn't He frankly rejected me?
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Oct 31, 2017 1:37 am

ferdinanda wrote:So, do you think He was far from being into me? Or do you think I simply turned him off?
Yes, I admit that I probably was wrong by mading the first move with the letter that I stuck on his door...

Why didn't He frankly rejected me?


He did reject you. You went on a single date, then he postponed and never rescheduled, right? That is rejection. The fact he was not a jerk about it means he was being polite. You lived in the same dorm.

He accepted the first date, because he didn’t know you. You stuck a letter on his door. He was curious.
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#4

Postby laureat » Tue Oct 31, 2017 2:26 am

Never obses with someone who did not agree to be on relationship with you: and this should be taught on the fifth grade at schools

You can fantasize a man there is no problem about it: but never get too emotional about it if there is no agreement Why? The expectations we have from others have to be reasonable: it doesnt lead to painful experiences

You asked something like: why didnt he excused himself better for rejection? I dont think he is responsible to excuse himself to someone who did not agree to be with: he did not made himself lawful responsible neither morally responsible : to excuse himself
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#5

Postby ferdinanda » Thu Nov 02, 2017 1:44 am

He HAD THE RIGHT to reject me. But if only He would tell me a reason, I could easier get over it! I felt overwhelmed by his radio silence after I confessed my crush, it was so cruel.

Furthermore I can't still figure out his last behavior.
Every time we accidentally met, after the ghosting period, He seemed embarassed and acted shyly... and He finally wanted to come accross as a generous guy...
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:17 am

ferdinanda wrote: I felt overwhelmed by his radio silence after I confessed my crush, it was so cruel.


Being so cruel is your perception, not his. I doubt his intent was cruelty. A person intent on being cruel has a lot more options. He could have said you are ugly or annoying if he was trying to be cruel.

There is general wisdom out there that I’m sure you have heard at some point in life. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.”

My guess is he simply didn’t want to hurt your feelings and thought silence is his best option. He didn’t want to lie to you, making up some excuse, but he also didn’t want to tell you the truth.

Now, I agree with you there are better ways to reject someone. There is the, “It’s not you, it’s me” line that is a common technique. But, not everyone is skilled and rejecting another person and that is what you really want.

You may want the truth to why he rejected you, but you should understand that rejecting someone is hard enough. It is not easy to be truthful, pouring salt in the would as they tell you that they did not find your personality attractive.

You are accusing someone of cruelty, without appreciating the difficult position he was in. His silence meant he didn’t want to tell you the truth. It doesn’t mean he was being cruel

Furthermore I can't still figure out his last behavior.
Every time we accidentally met, after the ghosting period, He seemed embarassed and acted shyly... and He finally wanted to come accross as a generous guy...


Reread the above again. He felt bad rejecting you. He knows it is not fun to be rejected. He knows silence is not fun, but the truth would be hard to deliver. It is awkward, resulting in those embarrassed, awkward moments. He was trying to be as nice as possible given the circumstances.
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#7

Postby Chiqi44 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:43 pm

You remind me of myself at that age.. well even still now sometimes. I wish the world worked in that way, where people told each other truthfully how they felt, but it doesnt. Few people care to have a real open conversation. about how they are feeling and asking them to can be an immediate turn off. It becomes important to read social cues. Basically if a guy is into you, he will let you know.

Save yourself time and effort by not worrying if or why people are attracted or unattracted to you, and explaining yourself to anyone. Just be yourself, and people will come to their own conclusions. Many people are socially awkward and perhaps you will meet someone who understands and appreciates you for you.
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#8

Postby emyaj » Wed Dec 13, 2017 9:16 pm

Hi,

First off I want to say that I think you have a gift with writing. You explained your situation very clearly and it was easy to follow along, so nice job!

As hard as it is to not dwell on this situation because it's really affecting you, try to chalk it up to experience.
I had a situation with a guy named Peter. When I was trying to get over him, I would joke to myself and say, Peter who?? Obviously only time will let you heal from this guy, but try reminding yourself "name of the guy, who??" as he was just a blink of a period in your life.

I agree with the other posters. When you and the" who" guy lol had that initial meeting, that was the opportunity to see if there was any potential there. The fact that the guy bailed on that second meeting and didn't bother to reschedule, says everything you need to know, as that is an answer in itself. He basically enjoyed the attention that you gave him and nothing more. At that point, he's doesn't value you and thus is not worth YOUR time. You need to focus YOUR ENERGY on other things, keep yourself busy with your hobbies. When the time is right, you will meet someone BETTER for you, stay strong!
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