Being Called Bored

Postby Barewithmepls » Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:44 pm

Hey Everyone! i never write in a forum before and i dont know if is this really work or does anyone ever read my post. i dont really mind, i just need to share my overload thoughts that really bother me and recently it getting more intense.

so here we go :)

a story to begin with, i am a girl and i am 20 years old. i am from Asian family (not that here talking about racist or stuff, its just has a part with my story). Currently i'm staying in Franceh for my studies and will stay here for another 2 years. Here's a thing i just being called bored by a guy that i saw him as an attractive guy.

shockingly i felt hurt, really hurt. i'm not catching feelings with this guy but the fact that he said i bored him and he felt i'm not likeable really shoot me to the heart. Just to be clear i do searching for a relationship and he was one of guy that i hope would be in relationship with me, but i guess we could just crossed him from the list.

i have been single for about 5 years now, not that i wasnt meet any boy between those years. But it's been a long time ago when i'm in a relationship where i could love him hard and he do the same. At first, it was fun went for dates without catching feelings, having my phone blasted with textes but as years goes by that i could feel is loneliness. i need one guy who could understand me and bear with me in any of conditions.

i thought i'm not attractive enough to get boys attention since i'm kinda look different here, the fact that i live in France now. but There's been one or two guys that approached me and i thought we were fine until they left suddenly, honestly i dont really know why. I start questioning my self, is that beacause of my principes? i do have principes for dating and i agree it has something to do from where i come from. it's about sex (of course it is), nobody teach me or tell me is it really different about dating rules in France. but for me i do have sex but not on our frist date, and obviously not in our first conversation. i just feel so turned off when getting to know a guy for the first time they talk about sex already, like i do having sex with you after we are in relationship because for me sex only happens or for 2 persons exclusively. or when we chat and they send you some privates photos and ask your for do it too, if you are my boyfriend i would happily give you one.

guess what?! i just being called boring because of that. so my questions are
1. is it my fault? that i create this principes?
2. is it because of different background the fact that i'm not from around?
3. should i lower my expectations and do like what the others do?
4. should i have to know the importants points of dating in real life?

i hope that someone eventually read and respond me. because my self esteem just drop because of this and i think i'm boring and not approachable.

thank you from the deepest of my heart for your time :)
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 30, 2017 1:19 am

It sounds to me like the guy was using a tactic called “negging.” This is where a guy intentionally insults a girl in order to see how she responds. The guy hopes she is hurt by the comment and tries to prove him wrong.

In your case, “Boring! You called me boring! I will show you! I will drink alcohol and dance and strip naked and teach you that I am not boring!”

It is a really crappy way to try reverse psychology on a girl. The hope is that her self esteem is so low that she will sacrifice her principles in order to prove the guy is wrong.

“Negging” is not a new concept, but unfortunately with the age of the Internet it has grown rapidly in popularity. Before the Internet a man lived in a town with 500 potential girls he could date. If he began insulting girls, word quickly spread and he was labeled a jerk. But, with apps like Tinder, TanTan, and Internet dating given every person access to thousands of people, a guy will use the tactic over and over and over until he finds a girl with low self esteem. In the process he may hurt the feelings of a few girls, but it doesn’t hurt him as all he wants is to find the girl to have sex with.
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#2

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:03 pm

Wow!!!!!! Richard's response was so right on!!!!!!

Now about your questions:
1. is it my fault? that i create this principes?

how is this your fault. you do not think you are boring and even if you are boring so what? why would you believe a guy you may never see again and think he knows you more than you know yourself. He was a loser as Richard said...truly a loser
2. is it because of different background the fact that i'm not from around?
the fact you are asian living in france should make you an exotic not as deficit. I think this one your thinking is at fault. you will never be white so the way you are thinking about this is deeply embedded and sad...I do not know where it is coming from or why...but to me it sounds like you have low self esteem so rather focus on that you focus on race/culture...I am non-white and married a french guy...trust me differences make it hot not cold
3. should i lower my expectations and do like what the others do?
there is nothing to lower here ...you already have low expectation if you are breaking down this much by a guy who says you are boring....there is nothing to lower here. there is a lot to enhance such as stop where you are meeting this guys...start having hobbies rock climbing, other indoor activities meeting new friends (who can confirm your boredom level or not ) friends who bring up your other sides...it sounds like you are searching for a guy to fulfil your life in France...that is why you are coming off desperate and they are asking you to send pictures. Let me tell you something about men asking pictures...they do not even see you as human. they do not know you well or at all and think cute asisan girl...you are a caricature to them . YOU NEED FRIENDS. women friends to fill your life laughter and learning the culture....you cannot date appropriately without knowing the culture and the only way to learn the culture is to make friends with the people living there not just search for a boy. ,

4. should i have to know the importants points of dating in real life?
See above.

You are lonely,. they can smell it and want to take advantage of. You are not living fully...it sounds no friends...this is a huge deficit in your life and the reasons you are suffering, If you cannot make friends with women in a new culture, you cannot have healthy relationships.

These boy men see you using them to kill time in between classes, and they want to use you for sex. Why are you surprised at that?

BTW, you were not single the last 5yrs (another faulty and cultural misunderstanding), you were a child growing up.



My advise to you beside above:

FIND HOBBIES
FIND NEW FRIENDS
FIND NEW MALE FRIENDS (even gay guys) if that is more safe for you
IMMERSE YOURSELF IN THE CULTURE
STOP READING ASIAN WEBSITE THAT ARE PLAYING WITH YOUR HEAD (I am assuming this)
and START TO READ THE NEWS, THE LIFESTYLE IN FRENCH SO you are informed and know what is going on.
STOP (OR AT LEAST BECOME CONSCIOUS ) HOW MUCH YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR ETHNICITY...WHY?

I think you are young, smart and you do not need to have sex to feel sexy or to find love. A good guy, trust me, he will want to be with you, want to know you, and just happy to with you without having sex Until you are ready. and even then only when you are ready. Anyone who asks for sex when you are not ready (or pushes for sex), it is called transactional. They want sex and you get something else and there is no relationship.
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#3

Postby gaestraidr » Sun Nov 05, 2017 7:01 am

Richard and Infinite point it out with me could only nod in aggrement numerously...

Remind me again why the need for me to reply?... Oh well, just want to convince you both Richard and Infinite reply are the sollution to your current problem.
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#4

Postby Theorease » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:58 pm

Well they say only boring people feel bored; so I'd say his calling you boring was basically simple Freudian projection.
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#5

Postby JuliusFawcett » Tue Nov 14, 2017 11:04 am

when he says he finds you boring, that is merely information about who he is, and nothing personal
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