Ridiculousy terrified of TIME? What is wrong with me? :(

Postby Nadosa » Mon Oct 30, 2017 5:06 pm

Hey,

I am 19 years old and after July, in which I experienced low anxiety and depression episodes because my mind was and still is conditioned by Derealisation and Depersonalisation, from which I recovered, apart from the thought problems. After DR I always had thoughts like: Is this really my hometown as I knew it?

Basically, during DR, the world is completely alien to sufferers, you dont have these emotions and feelings to specific places anymore.

However, towards the end of July, something bad happened. It all happened within one week. It was the week after Chester Bennington commited suicide which could have triggered those thoughts. It was after a fun weekend, where suddenly I thought about the future and the question popped up: "How long will you be able to cope with these alienation thoughts? Isnt life pointless? Why not commit suicide? What if I will commit suicide? What if I have already commited suicide by then (When someone talked about future)? I had a terrible, desperate anxiety. I constantly felt like I was destined to suicide in near future, BUT I cleary WAS NOT SUICIDAL.

I remembered one night, the 1st of August, I was in bed, overthinking, suddenly I realized a chemical change in my brain, like a switch, which caused a wave of impending doom rushing through my body. I was terrified. Next days/weeks followed with strange "coincidences/signs" regarding suicide + terrifying fear of future. Since the 1st of August I've felt like something died in me and I havent been able to picture myself in the future anymore (another trigger for the destiny thought). I have been in a complete thought-clouded, dark reality, I constantly felt trapped, stuck in life. I have constant bad belief that something bad happened in me in August and since then Ive been terrified of time and that I wont experience the future, like fear of losing myself in the future...I dont know...

Now my mind tells me I should have killed myself, that I was supposed to commit suicide or that it is my destiny/inevitable! It questions how I even made it through these past painful months, that there was actually no other way... It is like I lost the rational thinking part of my brain/mind. Then when I look at the date, which is the biggest trigger for the thoughts, my mind questions: werent you supposed to commit suicide? This makes me so sick, it actually feels like I shouldnt be here anymore. I think I am one of terrible cases of Pure O OCD.

Guilty about not having acted like the thoughts said? How sick is this?

Now it seems like my mind hit a threshold and slowly calms down by itself...And that's what I am worried about. Why did I suffer, there was actually no rational way to get out of it. I am constantly pondering about how it all happened, what I felt like, what was the hopelessness feeling like and how the hell I managed to calm it. I always had this rumination part in me, its kind of OCD I guess, that I have to rethink everything, like a bad compulsion. Was it anxiety? Depression? OCD? Wwaahh these questions HAVE to be answered, I feel so compelled to answer them. Maybe I was really meant to die? There was NO way out of it. God, I am confused.

Btw: I dont have any plans or so (not suicidal, or I dont really know )! But I am utterly hopeless.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Oct 30, 2017 9:03 pm

It sounds like what is wrong is that you have too much time on your hands.

At 19, what do you do for food, shelter, clothing? Do you work 40+ hours a week? Are you a student? What goals are you working on currently? What hobbies or organizations do you participate in?
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#2

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 2:41 pm

Nadosa

First and foremost, I hope you are well and find your footing. I was happy to hear you were not contemplating suicide.

I think what happened to you was a spiritual awakening! With all due respect, I think your interpretation was wrong. You did not die or supposed to you. You have come alive! The thinking part is dead metaphorically speaking and your feeling part has come to alive!

You are feeling now and you are here now. This is unfamiliar to you but this is you!

I am not a doctor nor therapist but my feeling is this you are super creative person. Having DR is one of the ways nature gives us different senses.

Every single thing that happens to us in terms of psychiatry or defense mechanism has a good purpose in biology and nature.

Why do we need dissociation you may ask? To survive when in danger. If there is an explosion, our brain cannot handle it all at once so we dissociate or leave the body! and yet when we survive, we are back and have to put the body and the mind back again to make sense of the experience...it is painful but you survived the danger cause your body and mind separated.

This sort of things become psychiatric issues when the danger is others (family or sexual abuse etc) and we have hard time understanding why...it is easier to understand nature danger like hurricane or airplane crash etc but it is harder when others cause us to alert our dissociation in order to survive.

But also your condition has creative side...you can see things we cannot as average person. You may see trees having conversation or flying or laughing...(this is an example i read somewhere)....that is a great imagination but for people with your condition, it could be their normal!

MY ADVISE TO YOU: start writing stories or something. Use it as creative source, juice than an issue and as disorder or as something bad. you are different. You are able to find this website and write a coherent story...you are normal and actually lucky to have that sense enhanced. You can work with children whom their imagination is not blunted or conformed yet.

You have a gift. We call it disorder cause it is minority and also we do not like those who can see things we cannot.

If you are interested in reading further there is a great author who has this and she uses in her writing...it is fascinating. She does not believe this is disorder but a gift.

There is a great article on Harper Magazine called:

The Trees Step Out of the Forest! What a great title right?

By Barbara Ehrenreich

She uses her extra senses to write beautifully.

You will only suffer deeply if you resit and fight your gift.
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#3

Postby Nadosa » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:07 pm

Hi,

I still live at my parents, go to university occasionally, but am about to quit it. Before university, I worked for 8 weeks 40+ hours which worsened everything and I spiralled into painful feelings and thoughts.

I dont think DR is spiritual awakening, I dont have it anymore, it is totally gone... But it left my mind crazy and severely conditioned. It freaks me out, my mind wants me dead and I dont know what to do, I completely lost my feelings of living and just feel cornered in this thinking/feeling box in which I fear my only way out is suicide. I cant imagine myself experiencing 2018...it is just crazy.
Last edited by Nadosa on Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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#4

Postby Infinite » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:10 pm

I will never know what is going on with you and your life. I can only give you my thoughts and feelings about these things.

If I was completely wrong, I am sorry and I hope my thoughts do not do harm to you.

I am truly wishing you find your footing, health and easy life.
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#5

Postby Nadosa » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:12 pm

Thank you.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 01, 2017 4:39 pm

Nadosa wrote:Hi,

I still live at my parents, go to university occasionally, but am about to quit it. Before university, I worked for 8 weeks 40+ hours which worsened everything and I spiralled into painful feelings and thoughts.


Okay, so there are two things you need to address:

-1- As I said, you have the luxury of too much free time on your hands. As the age old wisdom goes, if you are sitting around with nothing to contribute, the mind will find something to think about. The mind doesn’t just blank out as you stare at white walls. The mind, with nothing productive to focus on will find less than productive thoughts to occupy your time. While written in many forms, a well known proverb that sums up the above is, “Idle hands are the devils workshop”.

The previous paragraph is wisdom that has been known for thousands of years. Unfortunately, in the age of helicopter parents and adults living off their parents for much longer these days, that wisdom is often times lost.

In your first post you said your situation is “utterly hopeless”. I understand how you wish to believe this, but consider how absolutely laughable and in some sense demeaning such a statement is to the millions of refugees fleeing war torn areas, or millions displaced and trying to rebuild their lives as a result of a natural disaster.

You have food, water, shelter, and basically no responsibilities in your life and have the audacity to claim your life is utterly hopeless? I think you need to gain some perspective in life. I understand that you don’t care that you are basically demeaning millions of people that are facing situations that truly are horrific. I understand in your mind, having food, shelter, clothing, no responsibilities and all the time in the world to think is such a horrible thing in life.

That brings us to a question. How, how on earth does a person with food, shelter, water, and no responsibilities find their situation utterly hopeless? How is that even possible? Well, that person has too much idle time as discussed in this first point and then;

-2- You have low self esteem and are therefore unable to effectively negotiate the world outside the sheltered existence your parents have and continue to provide. Your parents may have talked a big game, but basically you were raised in such a way that work is “too hard” or university classes are just too much for you to handle. Hence your retreat into the physical shelter your parents provide. The problem, is that shelter can’t protect your mind.

With low self esteem it might very well be true that university level classes are currently beyond your abilities. Depending on the type of work, 40 hours might be a challenge to someone with your low self esteem.

***

Moving Forward: you need to find activities outside the home that you can handle. You need to engage with finding groups, a job, education that challenges you to build your self esteem, but are not so challenging as to send you back to the physical shelter of your parents. This means taking a job you know you can handle, with hours you can handle and build from this foundation. It means taking a community college course instead of university level. As you begin to engage and your hands are no longer idle, you will not have time to feel sorry for yourself. In time your thoughts will shift from “woe is me” to a sense of accomplishment as you earn a paycheck and stay busy. The bottom line, you may not want to, but your only path out of this is to get off your a$$ and get busy.

Failure to follow the above advice will result in the exact opposite. The more you allow yourself retreat into the shelter of your parents home, the more idle time you have to ruminate, the lower your self esteem will go and the deeper hole you will dig for yourself.
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