Girl I used to know won't go away

Postby Connor » Tue Oct 31, 2017 7:06 am

I run an aftercare. I've never gotten involved with one of my aftercare kid's mothers, except once and i regret it every single flippen day. We dated for a month or so. Just before I met her, she broke her foot. Her salary is commission based, and because she didn't work, she couldn't earn much money. Her two daughters and her mother lives with her in her apartment. The mother has the same type of job and they don't earn much.

While getting to know each other, we never really talked money. When I took her out to my friend's house, I always bought the food and drinks for me, her and her girls. When i visited her place, she cooked, and it was always good food. Funny thing is, it was too good...

You see my boss is also my best friend and he has a soft heart. So, behind my back, he organised food for her and wiped her debt at the aftercare clean and organised someone to help with the rehabilitation of her foot. This was while we were still seeing each other. They didn't tell me anything, and that really hurt my feelings. Where is the trust?

The thing is I never developed deep feelings for her. When I would take her somewhere she would sit there looking like she just ate a bag full of lemons. Everything out of her mouth was either negative or sounded negative. Even two weeks in I could have told you this was never gonna work. But to end something in a time that might seem too soon, didn't feel right either. So I waited until a month went past. I searched my feelings and found I still didn't feel anything for her. I decided to end it with her.

She went a bit nuts when texting me. Then she would be angry, then sorry, then happy then sad then this then that. It was crazy. I told her that it was over and that we should leave each other alone for a while so that we could get used to our own lives again. She couldn't do that either. I had to block her number later just to get her to leave me alone. Then she started texting my boss. WTF??

The problem now is, that she is still hung up on my boss and his family. I don't know if they like her or just feel sorry for her, but they won't eject her from their lives. The thing is I don't trust her either. When I'm near her my spidersense tells me to run far far away because she is trouble. I'm 33, she is 27. The dude she dated before me was in his late 40's. I wish i could describe it to you. It's just wrong.

I don't have many friends to begin with. Now the friends i had and hung out with regularly sees no problem with the fact that she hangs out with them. These are my extremely close friends. People I see as family. People who i go on holiday with. They know having her around hurts me a lot and it's just seem like its nothing to them.

I might sound like a monster, but trust me, something is very off. She opened up to my boss after we broke up. Told him things that I apparently did but he doesn't want to tell me. And even though he doesn't want to tell me, he still doesn't believe what she said. I wouldn't want to be around someone who talks smack about him, why is he letting into his life?
Because of one stupid mistake, of shitting where I'm suppose to eat, I'm afraid I'm losing my friends.

I have to decide. Either I tell my boss/friend that I can't hang out with them while she is running around in their lives, or I just go on hanging out with them, while the ex is there as well. I don't know what to do. I want her gone from my life for good and now she is still there. hanging around like a bad cold that won't go away. All because of one stupid mistake.
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Oct 31, 2017 10:47 am

Good Evening Connor,

What a situation you got yourself into. Well, you are still just 33. That is still when you are learning all your lessons. Yes, you waited too long to break up. By the time I was in my 40’s I knew that you had only 2 dates to make up your mind – by the 3rd date it would already begin to be too ‘regular’ and a 4th date would be expected. Also, by the 3rd date the little tokens of affection would begin to become too darn meaningful. By the time of a 3rd Date, nothing is ‘casual’ anymore. But Not Calling after a 2nd date would not be considered any Crime Against Humanity. Oh, and since I had to make up my mind in only 2 dates, instead of hiding my flaws and putting ‘my best foot forward’ like most men do while dating, as they want to ‘impress’ their date, I would go the opposite route of just being my normal self. Whether I would decide against them, or they against me, it was IMPORTANT that the Ultimate Decision be made by Somebody and the Sooner the Better. But as the years went out I decided to write more, study mathematics and practice more with my music, and I also got a bunch of cats (which are actually better company than most women, in the social sense of course). Nowadays I simply don’t know how ANY woman could fit into my Life … not without trying to push something or everything out of the way to make more room for herself. So it’s been more than a decade now since I ‘relationship dated’. People think I am Spiritual, but actually it is probably just a matter of my believing women are more trouble than they are worth.

But let’s get back to YOU. Your present situation is puzzling. That woman was sour and grumpy around you, but your Best Friend the Boss was sending caterers to her door and maybe even paying her rent. He’s Keeping her! It makes me wonder whether YOU ever mattered. Is your Boss Friend married, or is he in a serious committed relationship? Maybe you are just his Straw Man – the Elbow that his Secret Girl Friend can lean on at parties when he is supposed to be with his Wife.

Oh, let me talk directly about sour irritable girls. Often Women decide that they will start to Date Sensibly for Now On and so they will only go out with Guys that Score High Enough on some Checklist they whip up. So if you are the Guy that meets All of their Requirements, then they feel they HAVE TO go out with you, because it is the Sensible and Right Thing to Do. This is all while they REALLY lust for and crave the bad boy parking attendant or guitar player with needle marks on his tongue. But while they are Forcing themselves to Like or even ‘Love’ you, they can’t help but to be snide, negative, and irritable whenever they are around you. You see, most women don’t have enough self-control to consistently play a role. Some do. The Gold-diggers that end up marrying Octogenarian Billionaires wouldn’t be irritable or grouchy even if you woke them up at 3 o’clock in the morning beating a frying pan next to their ear. They have Great Will Power and at some point decided from deep down inside that their Best Career Choice was to be an Absolute Angel for the Big Bucks. You got to admire Women who are that Strong. But most women are shabby amateurs when it comes to pleasing a Good Man. Let them have their Bad Boys. It serves them right.

But, whatever is really going on, if SHE doesn’t seem sour and grumpy to THEM, then somehow YOU are or were being used. Yes, these were Very Special Friends of yours, and they may be again, some day. But you are only 33. You’re whole life is ahead of you. You certainly can’t pall around with this crowd NOW… not when they are insisting on Prioritizing a Girl that gives you the Creeps. (And, yes, whenever you have a Weird Feeling about somebody, it would be the height of Carelessness to ignore such an Animal Instinct – a sense of Impending Danger). It reminds me of a time about 20 years ago when I was good friends with this one person and it turned out that we found we had a disagreement over silly politics – she saw some issue in Morally Absolute Terms, but I myself, as a Historian among other things, saw it as a complex Geo-political phenomena. Her position was that if I could not show sufficient moral outrage, she couldn’t be my friend. “Well, okay”. It surprised me that Moral Outrage meant more to her than our Friendship, but then how important was my Friendship to her anyway, if it was suddenly that Trivial (after all, Moral Outrage is mostly just a Moot Point, isn’t it? She was a guitar player, not a wealthy heiress or a Head of State. How Vain of her to believe that what she Thought mattered in the least). So, I was sad at the loss of a friend… and the memory is still a bit winsome, but today I am getting along fine. And I have a new set of friends. And I have lost cats that have brought more tears to my eyes than she ever did.

OH! But you DO have your choices wrong. You don’t have to SAY anything. That reminds me of a Musician I know. He is the NICEST guy in the World. If you ask him to play a Gig he will say “Yes, Of Course”. But often he just doesn’t show up. This seems VERY unreliable, but when you ask around about the guy you find out he NEVER SAYS “NO”. He doesn’t want to ever disappoint anybody. So you only know you have a real YES if the guy shows up. This is sort of what YOU need to do. You don’t want to give your friends an Ultimatum. What if they decide FOR the Girl and then next week THEY find out they really don’t like her. Then if you had already Burned Your Bridges then you’d both be screwed and out of the picture. So, without saying a word , Just Stop Showing Up. Or you can show up, and if SHE is also there, then you can say “Oh, I ran out of Smokes. A machine is right outside. I’ll be right back”. In most cases it will be 45 minutes before somebody realizes that you split for good. I’ve left parties like that and it seems that NOBODY EVER Noticed. One of the things a lot of Normal People don’t realize is just how Invisible they are to everybody but themselves. The truth is we can never Over Estimate how Little we matter to other people. I suppose your Boss Friend learned this early. You can see how he endeavors to add to his Importance by being Materially Significant to those whom he wishes to impress. I myself can confess that I would rather admire anybody who would pay my Rent. But there are those who win their way Socially by being very amusing or ingratiating – both Good Story Tellers and Good Smiling and Sympathetic Listeners could equally fit into this Category. You may be one of them, and if that is the case, issuing Ultimatums would seem so crass and out of character for yourself.

So don’t SAY anything, but Don’t Hang around while she is there. If she BECOMES your Boss’s New Girlfriend, which seems a possibility, only then do you have to become more and more permanently scarce. Which brings up another Issue! …Now that I think about it. Yes, you are not supposed to “Foul your own nest” (which is the polite way of saying what you said using graphically disgusting terms… which may also be seen as being ‘amusing’), but you are also not supposed to go around being Buddy Buddy with the Boss. Maybe you are learning two things here for the price of one. Maybe he was your friend before you let him hire you. Well, THAT was a mistake, to take a job from a Friend (like lending or borrowing money). Never take a job from a Friend if that means he will be your Boss. That would be unfair to the other Employees. It also makes you look like an apple polishing brown nosing kiss butt. I’ve been a Worker all my life and truly believe that there must be some special circle in Dante’s Hell for Boss-Worker Buddy Buddies. It’s simply not ethical. If you want to go into business with a Friend, well that’s what they call PARTNERS.

But you are still young. You know what they say – “Life begins at 40”. It will be 6 years and ‘change’ before you are even Born.

Anyway, Connor, good luck. If you think I forgot anything, let me know. I’m more than willing to help.
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#2

Postby quietvoice » Tue Oct 31, 2017 10:49 am

Connor wrote:All because of one stupid mistake.

It wasn't one stupid mistake. It was the "one stupid mistake" over and over again.

That said, you invited her into your life, and the people in your life took to her. Or she to them, and they either are accepting her, or don't have the heart to say "No" to her.

Again, that said, it is the nature of life to change. Nothing ever stays the same. You have no control over another person's life. They make their own decision as to with whom they want to hang.

In any situation that is of bother to you:
-1- you can change what you can,
-2- you can leave the situation,
-3- or you can accept the situation.

There's no need to beat yourself up over spending time with someone who you end up wanting out of your life. Life is nothing, if it's not a learning experience from which you can grow. So, you learned something. Now, grow from that, and learn something else.

Connor wrote:I have to decide.

So, decide. Or don't decide. Did you want us to make the decision for you?

Or, maybe, you're just ranting.
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#3

Postby Connor » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:03 am

Thanks for the replies. Ya I think sometimes i just need to put my thoughts into words to help met figure things out. The things that went right, and the things that went wrong. I really did learn some valuable stuff out of this ordeal. One of which is to trust my gut earlier rather than later and not to let my emotions govern over my logic. Do what is right rather to put things off and wait for it to get worse. Thanks again for the replies.
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#4

Postby quietvoice » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:07 am

Leo Volont wrote:[ Never take a job from a Friend if that means he will be your Boss. ] That would be unfair to the other Employees.

Where, pray tell, have you ever found life to be fair?
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#5

Postby Connor » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:17 am

Having your friend as your boss has its pros and cons. The cons as you said is that you look like a brown nose kiss donkey. But the other side of the coin is that I feel i can approach him easier on issues when we differ in opinion. If I just blindly followed everything he said because he was my friend and boss, that would be wrong as well. If a decision is made and I don't agree, we talk it out. If one of the employees working under me have a problem, they bring it to me and speak on their behalf. I care about the people whom I work for and with. the Vertical and horizontal relationships are important.
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#6

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Oct 31, 2017 2:17 pm

quietvoice wrote:
Leo Volont wrote:[ Never take a job from a Friend if that means he will be your Boss. ] That would be unfair to the other Employees.

Where, pray tell, have you ever found life to be fair?


Point taken. Yes, Life for the Miserable is mostly unfair, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't complain about it. To complain about Unethical Behavior at least keeps the Notion of Ethics alive. What happens to a Society were even the notion of Ethical Behavior becomes forgotten? It reminds me of horror stories Anthropologists would tell about some secluded valleys in America's Appalachian Mountains where it was found that language was nearly lost and no culture or traditions had been passed down. Even primitive societies develop Cultural Norms and Traditions which provide some guidance for social living. But what they found in Appalachia was a complete moral and ethical vacuum. What was so horrifying to the Anthropologists was that they really did not see these Human Beings as 'Human Beings' any longer. Man had reverted to Ape, and particularly nasty ones. So thank God that at least we still remember enough to complain about how bad it is. So when the Anthropologists come to visit us someday, somebody can say, "yes, I find it all quite appalling too" and we won't all look so bad.

Oh, and then there was the first Moral Religion. I believe it was born out of complaining about Unfairness. If you look at many Ancient Religions you will see that they have not a shred Morality. In some there are Laws and Rules but nothing that says that Men must seek for Goodness within themselves. Good and Evil were in fact not yet defined. For instance, Judaism under the Judges was Pre-Moral. Early Hinduism has no discussion of Good and Evil. Greek Polytheism which was rather like all forms of Polytheism at the time had no discussion of Good and Evil. It seems that the Persians who were cousins to the Aryan Hindus (linguistically almost identical) had LOST a Major Battle and had to Retreat and Regroup. Their Disappointment found expression in the First Organized COMPLAINT ABOUT UNFAIRNESS. they Developed a fairly Coherent Idea for Goodness -- Social Cooperation, and Evil was identified as Theft, Greed, Rapine, Cheating -- everything they accused their cousins the Aryan Hindus of. Compare this to the Stories of Jacob that the Hebrews consider Religious Stories. Jacob was a Cheat and he was proud of it as a Skill. Many Cultures celebrated anything that lead to Success -- Warriors are after all just glorified Thieves and Bandits, aren't they? The Persians were the first to Assert Moral and Ethical Standards. And their Governments were quite revolutionary for their time. For instance the first Messiah that the Jewish Prophets ever spoke of was Cyrus the King of Persia (he liberated the Jews from Babylon and then funded their journey, en masse, back to Judea, and he did the same for other Peoples). anyway, Persian Zoroastrianism gave the World its first Religious, Philosophical and even Political look at Morality and Ethics. I would like to say that it was a Winning Idea and swept all before it. But I guess the Struggle between Left and Right goes back 2500 years.
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