Don't know what is happening to me...

Postby igoger » Wed Nov 01, 2017 3:21 pm

Hello everyone, I want to talk about my mental health journey which started 3 months ago, I am twenty years old man, with no previous history of mental health issues. Unfortunately, my life changed completely in a couple of minutes. Now, 3 months later, I don't know what is happening to me, don't know where I am going and what should I do. I do so much research online, and still I barely can relate to any case of mental health issues.

22 of july this year was the day in which my life changed drastically. I woke up. Everything was fine. I was happy with life and had very clear plans what I want to do in life, how to do it, and was already doing it. I got out of my bed, went outside, bought my favorite coffee and logged in my Facebook account to see what is happening. Suddenly the news about Chester's suicide came in.
I suddenly asked myself: "Why he did it, he had 6 kids, he had everything? What kind of force drive him to suicide? What stops me from doing it too?" and then I experienced something strange, something confusing. My vision became blurry, my heart started beating like I just jumped off a plane... At this point. Something in my brain changed. And i noticed it. It felt like a part of my mind went faulty.
I started doing research, why he did it? what was wrong with him?

Then I discovered that he had Major Depressive Disorder, Sexual abuse, and multiple addictions.
But that did not make the things better for me.

The thoughts about suicide were rapid, unstopable. I started researching why these thoughts are happening to me, I was happy with life....but that did not last long.

And here begins my Mental Health Journey:

**August**: The thoughts are still there, everything feels pointless, my apetite is less. There is a feeling which makes everything pointless out of nowhere. I can't concentrate on the things that are important for me. My heart beats faster. My hands are sweating more that the usual. The song "√Źn the end" Is still in my head. I tried to do exersise. It did not help. I have no idea what is happening to my head. But atleast It lasts only for the half of the day. For the rest of the day I feel almost normal.

**September**: The thoughts are still there, still rapid, and feel more real, the pointlessness is still there. nothing changed. But became stronger.

**October**: The thoughts are many(I will list them above.) and still there. It feels like the barrier between suicide and me fell which is so scary. My feelings are really messed up, I can't tell if I am suicidal or just stressed of his suicide anymore. My perception of time and future is really messed up. I can't imagine my future without these thoughts. There are two or three images stuck in my head and 10 years from now feel really close. Life feels long, but at the same time short. I feel like YEARS HAVE PASSED BETWEEN MY OLD LIFE AND NOW. I feel lost. I know my goals in life, but no longer see a point in them. I skip university because of this things. Whenever I try to imagine my future and be happy, there is a strange feeling inside that tells me it is pointless, without any apparent reason. My perception of time is messed up. I really can't tell who I am anymore. I feel stuck in my head, and I have no idea how to get better. The images in my mind seem dark or the oposite, too bright. My apetite is back to normal. I still can't concentrate on things that matter to me. My heart still beats faster than usual. My hands are sweating more that the usual.
The thoughts are many, and **too real**.
I will list them here:

* Why I don't just give up and do it.
* What if life gets hard and I do it. * Feeling that life is already hard and I will do it.
* Feeling that I am becoming/became overwhelmed/bored with life and will do it.
* I don't want kids on this terrible world.(I read this somewhere, and for some reason I think that this means I am suicidal)
* What if I no longer see a meaning and kill myself(accompanied with a dark feeling which I can't describe that makes me think that I am suicidal.)
* What Is the point of working for when I can kill myself.(This scares me the most.)
* Intrusive images of me doing it.
* Life is not worth living.(I never thought of that before I red it somewhere.)
* Whenever I do something which proves I am not suicidal there are thoughts and feelings that makes it feel like I don't wanted to do this. Or that doesn't prove that I am not suicidal.
* It was better to not being born.(Also red it somewhere.)
* Why not die now, when I will die anyway?(Also red it somewhere and became obsession, and feels real. :( )

**Now**: Nothing brings me joy I am constantly over thinking. I feel like i lost myself, I feel that my life has changed tremendously, I feel like something died in me, I feel lost in life, Like I got through a door from my old life to now and now the door is closed and there is no turning back. Everything feels pointless and temporary, I feel like an alien to my self. It feels like something is draining me inside. I feel weird, like I realised that I am human being for the first time. Life feels short but at the same time long. My mind flipped over.
I went to three psychiatrists. Yet, no clear diagnosis.
I don't know what is this. I can't relate to anyone. I don't display clear symptoms of depression.
How my life can change this fast. I don't get it. Any suggestions what is might be?

P.S. I am not contemplating, I worry I will do it.

P.S. One of the doctors suggested Pure-O.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 02, 2017 1:55 am

igoger wrote:Any suggestions what is might be?


Yes Nadosa, I have a suggestion of what it is. Same as your previous thread, too much time on your hands. This thread is more proof.

Happy Birthday btw, as in your previous thread below you said you were 19.

Another note, it is against forum rules to create multiple accounts. That can get you banned.

Last, I will add to my previous advice of getting out of your parents house. GET OFF the Internet! Social media and a digital existence are not your friend.

viewtopic.php?t=106097
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#2

Postby Nadosa » Thu Nov 02, 2017 7:53 am

Excuse me? This isnt my post, Sir.
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#3

Postby igoger » Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:25 am

Wait wait wait. I am not Nadosa?
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 02, 2017 2:53 pm

igoger wrote: Suddenly the news about Chester's suicide came in.


Nadosa wrote: It was the week after Chester Bennington commited suicide which could have triggered those thoughts.


Like I said, way too much time on your hands.

You live with your parents, unemployed, are dropping out of school, so you have plenty of free time to ruminate and troll about. Good luck with that.
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#5

Postby igoger » Thu Nov 02, 2017 3:58 pm

:D we are different, but similar cases. Trust me.
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#6

Postby igoger » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:00 pm

We met on reddit and decided to post here.
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#7

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:08 pm

Whatever. Too much time on your hands. Stop trolling, get off the Internet, go find a job, grow up and get out from under your parents.
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#8

Postby igoger » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:19 pm

Mind your business.
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#9

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Nov 02, 2017 6:20 pm

Or what?

That's right...or nothing.
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