Is he mentally ill? TRIGGER

Postby dlr87 » Sun Nov 12, 2017 9:27 pm

My husband completed suicide recently. He planned every detail, using a method he KNEW would work, be painless and leave no time to change his mind. He controlled his death, doing things like wiping his GPS and phone (which he knew would make my OCD peak and I'd obsess)

He blamed me for his death but I wonder if he was mentally ill, depressed maybe.... these are the only "red flags" I can think of.

1. About 10 years ago during an argument (we'd been together a year maybe less) he got out of the car and sat in the middle of a 70mph road. I don't remember if he'd been drinking.
2. He was violent towards me for a couple of years (usually in retaliation to my OCD interrogation of him, or an argument)
3. He was violent towards the house on several occasions after the violence to me stopped
4. He was a very angry and quiet person
5. Last year he told me he "used to think I was poisoning his food" and would feed a bit to our toddler to make sure "I didn't risk poisoning it again"
6. For years he told me I didn't love him, he refused to believe it
7. He started to think I hated him and wanted him dead
8. He was paranoid about people he'd never met (people I knew) would attack him
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#1

Postby quietvoice » Sun Nov 12, 2017 10:04 pm

Is he? No. Was he?

It depends on how you define mental illness, and from whom that definition comes. A medical professional may say that yes he [is], so that they may sell to him psychiatric services and pharmaceuticals. Of course, they can't do that now, as how does one diagnose someone no longer alive and able to buy into their programs?

If you're asking this to let yourself off of the hook as to causing his death, take heart. You did not cause his death in any way. His own thinking caused his death.

I wonder what thinking of your own caused you to stay with a person so obviously violent and/or not happy with his world for so many years.
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#2

Postby HumanB » Mon Nov 13, 2017 2:23 am

What does it matter to you now whether his mental condition (during the 11 years you were together or at the end when he decided to end his own life) might be labelled as mentally ill? What significance does it have to you either way? Not sure what you are trying to gain by it? It was what is was.

Are you looking to apportion responsibilty/blame differently somehow by this re-examination of his mental status? In what way?

I guess you shared happy moments together along the way and maybe even something beautiful (kids?) came out of the relationship. But I think we could all agree that he wasn't in good mental health whichever way you look at it. And that was clearly something that he struggled with. Ultimately the choices in his mind that he could make to end his struggle narrowed down to just one. Which is very sad.
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#3

Postby laureat » Mon Nov 13, 2017 3:02 am

You dont need to overthink about it
He is gone: he is no more alive
And he doesnt need you to think about him
And he doesnt need you feel sorry/guilty
All he needs you do is take care of yourself

Move forwards with your life: dont live the past

Trust oneself you can do good, you can be happy
Allow oneself to enjoy life, allow to be happy/proud
Give oneself the freedom to shine
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#4

Postby JuliusFawcett » Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:26 pm

yes, there is no way he had excellent mental health
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#5

Postby Theorease » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:20 pm

Anybody who makes a serious attempt to commit suicide in England is sent to the loony bin - at least for a time.
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