I think my fiancée is Depressed

Postby rabsaque » Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:32 pm

Hi everyone, i hope you can help me with a dilemma i'm having, i'm getting married in like 15 days and this wedding craziness, and payments and getting the things done is taking a toll from us all but mostly for my fiancée, she never has been a particularly strong woman i must say and she has a very short temper, i believe it has something to do with her father being a alcoholic most part of her childhood,(he has been sober for 20 years kow thanks A.A) but i'm getting really worried about it since yesterday.

She and him got into a huge fight over the color of our wedding cake (i really don't care about it as long as is tasty) but i believe this has something to do with the pressure we are having in conjunction with the relationship with her father, even doe i talked to her and she recognized that the fight was stupid she refuses to call him and ask for an apology, she says her heart beats like a pump just by hearing his voice, i talked to him today and he is very sad to but they won talk, i feel that there is nothing i can do about it, i told my future wife she needs to snap out of it now she knows were those emotions come but she refuses, i can't help her if she refuses to help herself i can't change her mood, i can't do other thing than listen to her and help her to realize whats happening but i when i talk to her is like talking to a wall, she understands but stays the same.

I don't know in my case every time i'm worried or depressed i talk to myself and work it out once i discover the origin of my feelings, but really i don't know how to help her or even if i can do it, she and her dad will never be into a psychologist like ever my fiancée hates talking to herself and digging into her feelings and whats inside her, and as far as i know digging inside oneself no matter how awful your inside may be is the only way to get over things being myself a sex abuse recovered victim i can't comprehend how people live their lives without talking to themselves.

Well i'm rambling too much, what i really want to know is how can i help her to learn to lose the fear for whats inside her and come to terms with what she feels and repair her relationship with her father because i know that will be a problem for our coming marriage, please help me.
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:28 am

rabsaque wrote:...what i really want to know is how can i help her to learn...


You can’t. It is best that you stay out of it.

That is the thing with marriage. You are not suppose to play the role of teacher while she plays the role of student. That is what eventually erodes and destroys many marital relationships, trying to teach the other as to change them, to make them better, to shape them into someone you think they need to be.

Your role is that of husband, not teacher. You have already correctly stated, you can’t do this or that, and that all you can do is listen and show support. That is the role of the husband, to support.

You are correct. Her relationship with her father will be an issue in the future. It is also a clear indicator of how she will handle problems when you and her come to some intractable issue. This is how she handles problems. You know it going into this marriage, and all you can do is manage your side of the coin. Your role is not to try and change her to your understanding of how she needs to cope with problems.

Moving forward, always treat both with respect. Stay out of their dynamic, don’t take sides, let their relationship take its natural course without your involvement. She has been dealing with her father her entire life, and it is best to keep it that way. While you are the future husband, it will prove counterproductive to try and actively insert yourself into their relationship and try to alter their dynamic. That will get you bitten in more ways than one, and it won’t be helping her.
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#2

Postby rabsaque » Wed Nov 15, 2017 12:48 am

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
You can’t. It is best that you stay out of it.



Thank you so much Richard, you are the man, this really took a heavy weight out of my shoulders i was starting to feel bad for not helping her with this problem but i know i can't but i feel terrible watching her act like that and i'm afraid she may do the same things to our children, she is a magnificent woman when she is happy but she has problems controlling her emotions mostly the bad ones they always take over her, with time i learned to step up and call her on her bad behavior when she tries to yell or fight me i use to say to her "you may yell and insult your parents but i'm not them in demand the same respect i give to you" i suppose i will have to keep her in check for the rest of my life, well nobody is perfect is'n it? and i love her still.


Thank you sr seriously.
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