How to overcome insecurities?

Postby qqsszz » Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:42 am

Recently I've discoreved I am a socially insecure person. To explain I'll give two examples of this:
My sister was in the next room with her boyfriend and a friend. My phone was in that same room and I didn't want to go for it.
One day I was with two friends. I said goodbye to them and at the moment I turned around I began thinking about whay they could be saying about me (I didn't hear anything).
The first one is more frecuent, the fear of approch someone and say hi is very common.
I belive this issues comes from HS. I remember one day I tried to talk to (at that moment) two friends, when they saw me they stoped talking and look at each other, I really felt rejected. There are more but it is not important
Thanks in advanced
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#1

Postby laureat » Wed Nov 15, 2017 3:27 am

you have to trust oneself that you will not be rejected, and even if it happen you have to trust oneself you can deal with it

So its about "trust oneself"

Success = confidence

The more you see oneself not bring rejected : you will trust oneself more you wont be rejected

The more you see oneself handle rejection good: you will trust oneself thay you can handle it, no big deal

The more you see its not the end of the day because you got rejected from someone you simply go to someone else and there is no reason to panic

This is something that builds gradually: however when you understand the process when you trust the process you fear less
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#2

Postby TheCloud » Wed Nov 15, 2017 4:35 am

What do you find to be most difficult about opening up to others?
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#3

Postby qqsszz » Wed Nov 15, 2017 5:58 pm

TheCloud wrote:What do you find to be most difficult about opening up to others?

I feel like other people don't care about me, at all. I keep most of the thing that are going on in my life like almost secret, I rarely talk and when I do, I try to do it as short as possible.

laureat wrote:you have to trust oneself that you will not be rejected, and even if it happen you have to trust oneself you can deal with it

So its about "trust oneself"

Success = confidence

The more you see oneself not bring rejected : you will trust oneself more you wont be rejected

The more you see oneself handle rejection good: you will trust oneself thay you can handle it, no big deal

The more you see its not the end of the day because you got rejected from someone you simply go to someone else and there is no reason to panic

This is something that builds gradually: however when you understand the process when you trust the process you fear less

Thanks a lot! :mrgreen:
Any suggestion on how to start doing that or reading materials? I am reading the Self Esteem & Confidence subforum
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#4

Postby seeingthelight » Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:58 pm

It all depends on the crowd if you catch my drift
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#5

Postby TheCloud » Wed Nov 15, 2017 7:09 pm

qqsszz wrote:I feel like other people don't care about me, at all. I keep most of the thing that are going on in my life like almost secret, I rarely talk and when I do, I try to do it as short as possible.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety_disorder

What do you think about spending more time around people? For example, doing volunteer work or joining a club. I think the main issue blocking you is that you lack experience, especially if you've been avoiding social situations since high school.

Also, remembering your bad experiences is important, like the one you mentioned in your OP. People with anxiety issues often interpret social situations in an inaccurate way. For example, two people might be having a private conversation about a sensitive issue that they can't continue when a third party arrives. You imagine that your friends stopping the conversation and looking at each other was about you, but maybe they just didn't want to share an embarrassing story about a sexual experience one of them had.

Try writing down all the bad memories you have. Then, mark the ones where you know for sure that someone was saying bad things about you. Not guesses, but certainty, based on something someone actually said or wrote down. I think what you will find is that most, if not all, of the bad memories you have are ones where you made something up. And if that's true, then you have no reason not to go out and find what people really think of you.
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#6

Postby qqsszz » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:18 pm

TheCloud wrote:
qqsszz wrote:I feel like other people don't care about me, at all. I keep most of the thing that are going on in my life like almost secret, I rarely talk and when I do, I try to do it as short as possible.


What do you think about spending more time around people? For example, doing volunteer work or joining a club. I think the main issue blocking you is that you lack experience, especially if you've been avoiding social situations since high school.

Also, remembering your bad experiences is important, like the one you mentioned in your OP. People with anxiety issues often interpret social situations in an inaccurate way. For example, two people might be having a private conversation about a sensitive issue that they can't continue when a third party arrives. You imagine that your friends stopping the conversation and looking at each other was about you, but maybe they just didn't want to share an embarrassing story about a sexual experience one of them had.

Try writing down all the bad memories you have. Then, mark the ones where you know for sure that someone was saying bad things about you. Not guesses, but certainty, based on something someone actually said or wrote down. I think what you will find is that most, if not all, of the bad memories you have are ones where you made something up. And if that's true, then you have no reason not to go out and find what people really think of you.

I think volunteering and clubs would be the same experience I have in university and my english classes
I don't know if lack of experience is the problem
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#7

Postby qqsszz » Wed Nov 15, 2017 9:34 pm

I think that I feel like no one cares about me is because that same friends I mention in the previous post stoped inviting me to hang out with. Another friend of mine (this was a good friend from primary school) didn't want to sit with me in the classroom (the teacher make him to do it), he said to the teacher (right in front of me) to sit him with someone else, I don't remeber how I felt but I remeber that I left the classroom and came back when the break was over.
One or two years later I made another friend with whom I spent very good time, he is the only person I've considered a friend since then
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#8

Postby TheCloud » Wed Nov 15, 2017 11:44 pm

qqsszz wrote:I think that I feel like no one cares about me is because that same friends I mention in the previous post stoped inviting me to hang out with. Another friend of mine (this was a good friend from primary school) didn't want to sit with me in the classroom (the teacher make him to do it), he said to the teacher (right in front of me) to sit him with someone else, I don't remeber how I felt but I remeber that I left the classroom and came back when the break was over.
One or two years later I made another friend with whom I spent very good time, he is the only person I've considered a friend since then


What explanation do you have for these people's behavior?
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#9

Postby quietvoice » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:15 am

qqsszz wrote:I feel like other people don't care about me, at all.

Do you care about other people?

Show that you are interested in another person. Be with that person in the here and now, smile, pay attention to them, have a happy attitude about whatever that person is about in that moment.

Do this as a matter of habit, and you won't be back here with this concern again.
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#10

Postby qqsszz » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:33 am

TheCloud wrote:
qqsszz wrote:I think that I feel like no one cares about me is because that same friends I mention in the previous post stoped inviting me to hang out with. Another friend of mine (this was a good friend from primary school) didn't want to sit with me in the classroom (the teacher make him to do it), he said to the teacher (right in front of me) to sit him with someone else, I don't remeber how I felt but I remeber that I left the classroom and came back when the break was over.
One or two years later I made another friend with whom I spent very good time, he is the only person I've considered a friend since then


What explanation do you have for these people's behavior?

I am very quiet, I bored them
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#11

Postby quietvoice » Thu Nov 16, 2017 12:58 am

qqsszz wrote:I am very quiet, I bored them

Learn that people are generally interested in themselves. By knowing that, you can interest people (i.e., not be boring) by being (sincerely) interested in them also.
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#12

Postby TheCloud » Thu Nov 16, 2017 1:25 am

What is your goal in overcoming your insecurities? What kinds of things do you want to do that you can't do right now?
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#13

Postby qqsszz » Thu Nov 16, 2017 1:38 am

TheCloud wrote:What is your goal in overcoming your insecurities? What kinds of things do you want to do that you can't do right now?

I want to be able to socialize like a normal person, I want to feel I have friends and I want to belive that I can have a girlfriend and will not die alone.
I think that if I don't fix my problems with socializing, I will end up living alone (and dying alone)

quietvoice wrote:
qqsszz wrote:I am very quiet, I bored them

Learn that people are generally interested in themselves. By knowing that, you can interest people (i.e., not be boring) by being (sincerely) interested in them also.

I do that, in almost every conversation I have the other person talks the 80% of the time
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#14

Postby quietvoice » Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:15 am

qqsszz wrote:
quietvoice wrote:Learn that people are generally interested in themselves. By knowing that, you can interest people (i.e., not be boring) by being (sincerely) interested in them also.

I do that, in almost every conversation I have the other person talks the 80% of the time

You have stated that you are quiet, so it doesn't surprise me that the other person talks most of the time. However, are you sincerely interested in what they say, and do you show that interest by your speech and body language? Or are you too wrapped up in self-consciousness to even notice what they are talking about? If you are not sincerely interested, and don't want to become interested, that's okay. You may need to find someone who is of interest to you. Nothing wrong with that.
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