Hidden Intentions ?

Postby StevOne29 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 2:43 pm

Hey guys,

My ex-gf and me broke up a couple of months ago. Two or three weeks ago, i told her that i want to stop our contact because i need space to get my head sorted as i wasn't able before, being busy with finishing college and still have feelings for her. Mayen i should add that she told me she doesn't Love me anymore.
The day i graduated she send me a very emotional message, in which she said how happy she is that i made it and so on.
I recently got another e-mail from my ex and ask myself if it is possible to recognize a lie or a hidden intention relating to the type of formulation used in the following message:

"I know i shouldn't say things like that and i don't want to cause a "comeback", but i'm missing the conversations with you. The people surrounding me don't really unterstand me sometimes. Especially when it comes to movies or music. No one is as precise and detailed, when we're describing things from the past.
[..personal stuff..], and again, i can neither share the happiness about it nor the dreams about it with anyone.
[..personal stuff..], and again, of course nobody can understand our experiences.
Well, i just want to tell you that you are missed. It is said that i can't share the things with you especially after your 'change of mind'."

I'm not sure about the intentions behind this. It may be a game, like trying to stay in my head or getting intention. It may be a try for a 'comeback'.
I have no clue and i'd be glad about your thoughts on this!
(If some things sound weird, it is because i'm not a native speaker:))
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:03 pm

There is no hidden intention or games. This is a message about her, not you.

It is very normal for people to get lonely and miss a previous relationship. All the message means, is that she is still single, so sometimes she thinks about this past relationship. And when she does think about it, she only thinks about the good memories and she ignores the fact you and her split up for a reason.

In English, in the U.S. there is a concept called “drunk dialing”. This is when a person gets drunk and telephones an ex lover. They are drunk and feeling emotional. They are thinking and missing the past, they are lonely, so they don’t remember the bad times and call the ex to talk. It is about them and what they are feeling.

So, there are no hidden intentions. She is just being human.
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#2

Postby StevOne29 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:57 pm

Thanks for your thoughts on this Richard. I agree with you on most of it, but what i think is, that when you communicate with a person, you always take effect in some way and you always, wittingly or unwittingly, have an intention. This intention is depending on the person you're dealing with. So if she tells her best friend, she might want to be consoled. If she tells her diary, she wants to express her thoughts.
My point is, that there is a reason she chose to tell me, as she knows this will have an effect on me. She told me, that she prepared the message a day before. She's that kind of person, so it was not something like 'drunk dialing'.
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#3

Postby seeingthelight » Sat Nov 18, 2017 5:03 pm

I wouldn’t play into too much or put too much stock in it. She’s feeling emotional and missing the old relationship. That emotion could change very quickly. Especially if you try and rekindle things. Take it for what’s its worth
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 18, 2017 5:19 pm

StevOne29 wrote:...you always take effect in some way and you always, wittingly or unwittingly, have an intention.


Wittingly or unwittingly. Yes. That covers 100% of all effects.

She's that kind of person, so it was not something like 'drunk dialing'.


And you are that kind of person, the kind of person that dismisses that it is simply an emotional message and looks for some hidden intention rather than to take a message for exactly what it says. She wittingly sent you an emotional message that says she misses you. Why are you wanting to read into this message some hidden intention? You think she wants to rob you, kill you, hurt you, humiliate you? What possible hidden intention do you fear? When I read the message it sounds like she wants the relationship to start again. It didn’t seem hidden at all.

It was an emotional message, nothing more, with no hidden intention.
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#5

Postby StevOne29 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 5:32 pm

Thanks again Richard for the quick answer. You just said it sounds like wants the relationship to start again. For me this would be a hidden message as she said the opposite:"..I don't want to cause a 'comeback', but.."
Excuse me if i seem ignorant, it's just that I'm emotionally involved and it is great to hear some objective thoughts.
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#6

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 18, 2017 7:12 pm

StevOne29 wrote:Thanks again Richard for the quick answer. You just said it sounds like wants the relationship to start again. For me this would be a hidden message as she said the opposite:"..I don't want to cause a 'comeback', but.."


I don’t want to eat this chocolate cake, but...
I don’t want to cause an argument, but...
I don’t want you to miss me, but...

There are no hidden messages in any of the above. The chocolate cake will be eaten. Anything before a “but” provides clear intent.

... I'm emotionally involved and it is great to hear some objective thoughts.


And so is she. She is emotionally involved and she sent an emotional message. She doesn’t think it is a good idea to eat the chocolate cake, to engage in a relationship, but...

She knows it is not a good idea and so do you. Regardless, we are not computers. Emotion affects our decisions.

The question to ask yourself, what do you want out of this relationship? If it didn’t work, if it was a relationship that failed, why are you emotionally attached?
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#7

Postby StevOne29 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:25 pm

Wow, never thought about the meaning of the word 'but'.
What I do not get is, why not just being honest about her feelings and telling me she loves me and wants me back. For me this would be a logical thing to do.

Well, for the other part of your statement, you're definetely right. There is definetely a reason for the situation and i am surely considering these thoughts. For now, i'm in a state of mixed feelings but this will change sooner or later. I'm glad that i have allready experienced similar things in my life.
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#8

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Sat Nov 18, 2017 8:49 pm

StevOne29 wrote:Wow, never thought about the meaning of the word 'but'.
What I do not get is, why not just being honest about her feelings and telling me she loves me and wants me back. For me this would be a logical thing to do.


She is being honest. She doesn’t want you back, but....

It is like the chocolate cake. You don’t really want it, you know it is not good for you, you know you want to lose some weight but....BUT....get me a fork. You eat the cake and then you regret.

You seem to be holding her to a higher standard than to that which you are holding yourself. You claim you are not being objective, that you are emotionally involved, but you expect her to be logical? How is that fair? She can’t be emotionally involved, she must be logical and if not it means she is being dishonest? Why can’t she be credited with not being objective, with being emotionally involved rather being considered dishonest with hidden intentions?

On a side note, your English is very good.

Anyway, I recommend you take a step back and:

-1- Figure out what you want. Write down what you want out of a partner. There is a reason you guys are no longer together. Write down why you are no longer together.

-2- Don’t set a double standard, where you can be emotional, but she must be logical.
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