How to work with a colleague after a row

Postby mmacc2011 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:05 pm

Hi,

So yesterday, I had an argument with a colleague at work. We are both website developers, but working in different languages. Neither of us knows the others' language at the moment.

I say an argument, not screaming and shouting or swearing but a crossed word, and we just both got in a bad mood. Previously we socialized outside of work, but after this, I felt I had seen his true colors, and asked that contact outside of work stopped, going forward.

The argument stated after I asked my manager something, and my colleague jumped in telling me "not to ask that to a manager". It was a fair question about some new H&S paperwork and the conversation did not involve him, he overheard.

In the past he was telling me that we should do X together outside of work, or that together, or do this project together outside of work, or learn this skill to get myself further up the ladder at work.

After I asked to keep it professional, he was clearly annoyed by that, and so I asked to just keep it professional going forward; friendly, but professional. He is the exception, everyone else I keep professional with and don't really meet outside of work unless its an organised social.

A day later, things are calmer but not back to normal. I still feel I was right, I felt he was rude, and although we both apologised, he has said he will no longer input on projects/socialising/skills building, outside of work.

I feel annoyed that I have someone at the same level as me, trying to force upon me, these new skills, for which I won't be able to use in my job and isn't of the same interest to me, as what I currently do.

Was I fair, to ask for no contact outside of office, and am I justified to feel annoyed that he is trying to force things upon me that I don't want to learn right now? I feel that my self-esteem is low, because I'm letting someone tell me whats best for me and my career?

Am I right to maintain no contact outside of work, as I do with my other colleagues? It helps me focus on my job and my role, and helps me switch off in the evening.

Thanks in advance.
mmacc2011
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:16 pm

mmacc2011 wrote:Was I fair, to ask for no contact outside of office, and am I justified to feel annoyed that he is trying to force things upon me that I don't want to learn right now? I feel that my self-esteem is low, because I'm letting someone tell me whats best for me and my career?


It is fair to keep work and your personal life separate if you want. Overall, I think you are on the right track. Just remember, no one can make you feel annoyed, force things on you, or lower your self-esteem without your consent. You play an active role in managing relationships.
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#2

Postby mmacc2011 » Wed Nov 29, 2017 1:24 pm

Richard@DecisionSkills wrote:
mmacc2011 wrote:Was I fair, to ask for no contact outside of office, and am I justified to feel annoyed that he is trying to force things upon me that I don't want to learn right now? I feel that my self-esteem is low, because I'm letting someone tell me whats best for me and my career?


It is fair to keep work and your personal life separate if you want. Overall, I think you are on the right track. Just remember, no one can make you feel annoyed, force things on you, or lower your self-esteem without your consent. You play an active role in managing relationships.


Thanks Richard. I mean don't get me wrong, I value advice, or opportunities, but this was heading towards spending all my time doing what my colleague wanted, outside of work, for when my colleague leaves. He is on his final weeks of notice, and my colleague had the intention of me learning what he does, to be able to take over when he leaves. Personally, I'd rather let my company find someone who really can and does enjoy writing that code, and that's not me.

I'd still see him at organised parties, such as the Christmas do, but I feel that texting outside of work, and my colleague asking me what progress I made at home last night is unfair. My evenings and weekends are to spend as I want.

I suppose, my colleagues view of not offering advice on my career is fair, but I feel that that advice should come through my manager, not my colleagues.

Thanks.
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