I flip so easily

Postby George7 » Sun Dec 03, 2017 10:35 pm

Hi, my first time using a forum so not really sure how it works but thought I’d seek online help seeing as I have no one else to talk to about my problems. I’ve always had anger problems but over the years it has got a lot worse, I don’t know whether that is because I’ve got older and started to see people for how they really are or whether it’s a inside problem I have. I’m so easily annoyed by pretty much everything. It can be as little as someone cutting me up in the car or someone close to me saying something mean to me. It’s starting to get to the point where I feel like I need something to stop me from feeling this way like an alcoholic drink or even weed, even though I know it would probably make it worse. I’ve had many physical fights over things that could have been resolved by just talking but I get so easily wound up and I don’t know what to do that I just lash out, and it’s usually at the people close to me. It’s like I can feel the anger taking over me but the voice saying calm down is always overpowered by the voice saying lash out. I’m at my end now and I just don’t know what to do. My parents are having problems which is making me more angry and I can’t turn to them for help without my mum saying I’m making it all about me. If anyone has any advice or just a reply it would be much appreciated.
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#1

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Dec 04, 2017 6:19 am

Hi George,
Oh, with you being George the VII, I could suppose that your problem is that insanity runs in your family… no, sorry, that was a history joke which next to no one will understand. But yes, I understand your problem. It would be nice if we knew about how old you are. But in any case having increasing levels of Anger can be expected with increased levels of stress, and the stress is increased because of the Life Problems that are exacerbated by increased occurrences of angry outbursts. It is a self-reinforcing positive feedback loop. So, yes, typically Anger Problems tend to ratchet up over time. Some angry people get to the point where they have some significant anger episode every other day or more. That is not something you would want. You see, anger episodes are very emotionally troubling and stressful. You know the feeling. After an anger episode, it is the only thing that one can think about, and that is not a pleasant feeling. We obsess over what we could have done differently. We flip back and forth between shaming ourselves and regretting we had not been even more outrageous. It screws up our appetite, makes us want to get drunk, and interrupts a good night’s sleep. The second day afterward is better than the first as the obsessive thinking begins to subside and we can sleep that night. On the 3rd day we are grateful that the worst is over but our emotions are still a bit raw. So, there it is – 1, 2 , 3. Imagine what happens if you never allow for any recovery time between Anger Episodes. A person who is angry more than every other day will experience an inevitable nervous and physical decline.

George, there is something you can do immediately to help with your situation. You can become aware that Adrenaline makes anger far worse than it needs to be. Adrenaline is the Fight Flight adrenal hormone. Evolution intended Adrenaline for helping us fight off bears or to help us jump six feet in the air at the sight of snapping and hissing poisonous snakes. But it tends to kick in also during instances of Social Stress. I suppose even Cave Men had the same problem with Adrenaline turning on for unjustifiable reasons but they learned how to Stop the Flow… something that Modern Man has forgotten how to do… until now. To stop the flow of Adrenaline you only need to catch it at its first sign, and that first sign is a Tightening of the Jaw Muscles. You may experience that as a clenching of the teeth, or even the sudden urge to just firmly close your mouth. The way the brain works is that this Adrenaline Reflex will occur up to about 3 seconds before your Conscious Thinking Mind begins to tell you that you are pissed off about something. So it is important not to wait until you KNOW you are pissed off, but to recognize the message being sent by the Clenching of the Jaw… the setting of your teeth.

Immediately when you feel your jaw muscles tighten, relax and open your mouth and take a deep breath. For whatever reason this shuts off the Adrenaline Rush. You have to act immediately because adrenaline stays in the blood for a while. Every second that you let the adrenaline flow is another second that Stress Juice is being pumped into your veins.

I’ve shared this advice to a lot of Members and many Members report back that the advice really works. If you follow this advice it will keep you from the most extreme embarrassments – yelling and cussing at your friends, family, loved ones or just mouthing off at all your prick bosses and co-workers where it would be politically wise to not let them know just how much you hate their guts.

But the next step in addressing chronic anger is a lot more tough. Luckily, you are not a severe rage case. Your behavior is embarrassing but you have not been crazy violent with people or destroyed a fortune’s worth of property. But you can’t continue on as is. Even moderate anger will create undue tension in a family and ruin hopes of a having a stellar career.

To address chronic anger you have to dedicate yourself to daily practice at being a New You. First, start reading Anger Management Books – the good ones written by Career Professionals – not any of that New Age crap. My preferred author is Ronald Potter-Efron who has a number of titles available. Maybe you should start with “Letting Go of Anger” and “Angry All the Time” but you can go on line and look at the product descriptions and read the reviews and come to your own decision on what to buy. Reading at least a chapter everyday will help you stay focused on your anger. What happens a lot is that Angry People will be able to refrain from anger for a while, or get lucky and have a long patch between big stressors in their life and they will forget that they are Chronically Angry and need to work some on their Anger every day. So they find themselves suddenly blowing up. So you need to have some Daily Anger Management Practice, like practicing the Violin, or shooting hoops, or running a few racks on the pool table. To get GOOD you have to Practice, Practice, Practice. You may ask about when is it that enough is enough and you can discontinue with all that. Well, I’ll let you know when I find out, but so far, even after years, I still find that the Daily Practice of Mindfulness about Anger Management is very likely still keeping me out of trouble. Also, when I found out how effective it was to change my life in that regards, it encouraged me to proceed forward with working on other aspects of my life. So your Anger Problem may actually be something of an opportunity for you, if you treat it that way.

The books will make you familiar with the Methodology of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. CBT does not care about childhood causes and all of that. CBT only looks at unwanted habitual behaviors and unwanted habitual thought patterns. What you have to do is learn to REVIEW and REVISE any of your Behaviors or Thoughts that you find troublesome for you. For instance, you say it is bothersome when you flip out at other drivers who cut you off (oh dear me, you had to tap your break! What a friggen Nightmare!) Well, simply learn to take it in your stride. Think about times when you were in a really big hurry… late for work… and you had also cut in and out of traffic and caused other drivers to tap their breaks or move over a foot or two to let you dash by. This may surprise you but a lot of the stuff we get excited about depends on our initial reaction – mostly cussing about it. If we can stifle the usual initial reaction then in most cases after a minute goes by it is like nothing even happened. If you ignore the Bait, you won’t get hooked into the Drama. It works the same way for all our Habitual Anger Triggers. You need to learn to Identify your Triggers – that is the Review Part --- Reviewing your Thoughts and Behaviors for problem areas. The REVISE part is to figure out in advance an Alternative Thought or Behavior. You can’t just tell yourself to NOT to Get Angry. You have to do or have to think something, right? So preplan what to do or think in that kind of situation. That is another reason to read the Books. The books have plenty of stories about angry Episodes. This will give you plenty of opportunities to think about what you would think or do in similar situations.

Lastly, to start yourself off, practice not ever swearing or even thinking about a swear word. That can get tough if you ever watch HBO. They’re all a bunch of foul mouths and they make it look fun. But cussing and swearing is the way your body has of stirring you up – it gets you all excited. Oh, and yesterday, I read about Tryptophan and how it maintains the brains serotonin levels. It seems when the brains serotonin levels drop people get more touchy about perceived slights and insults… they become less easy going and more irritable and judgmental. So you might think of either making sure you are eating healthy every day, or get yourself a jar of tryptophan supplement pills (a little goes a long way. If you take enough to make yourself feel drowsy then that is about 4 times as much as you need to simply stay mellow. For a lot of my supplements, I use a wire cutter to snip them into fractions).

Well, George, that should be enough to hold you for today. Let me know what you think.
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#2

Postby laureat » Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:39 am

You have to learn to be comfortable;

Financial life can lead to discomfort ( studies, job, career) if something doesnt go the way you wanted

And so does the social life: can lead to discomfort; if you are not happy with your family, your friends, your love relationships and so on : exercises play

That is how you get the depth of the happiness ; and minor things dont bother as much

V
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#3

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:56 am

laureat wrote:You have to learn to be comfortable;

Financial life can lead to discomfort ( studies, job, career) if something doesnt go the way you wanted

And so does the social life: can lead to discomfort; if you are not happy with your family, your friends, your love relationships and so on : exercises play

That is how you get the depth of the happiness ; and minor things dont bother as much

V


Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly with Laureat. Work, unless you are your own Boss, is just slave labor and you would have to be crazy to take it to heart. A Job is just a Job. It reminds me of a story about how a Mob Boss in New York got all his 'good guys' jobs at a Cement Plant in Hoboken where they just had to show up. Well, one of the 'good guys' didn't fully understand the situation and said "Boss! A Job at a Cement Plant! What am I supposed to do in a Cement Plant?" and the Mob Boss said "You're supposed to get paid on Friday". Well, that is all any Job should mean to any dignified Human Being -- its the paycheck you get on Friday, and it shouldn't be anything more than that. Especially you should not invest yourself in it emotionally. Or treat anything territorially or think anybody should work harder or better. That is what the Exploiters have to worry about. If you rag on any fellow employee about the quality of their work, then you are just as bad as the predators who are exploiting you both... and silly at the same time.

At school you are not being exploited, and it should be a joy to go to school. But you need to keep in mind that all of the fellow students are not even remotely supposed to be your friends. Friends are friends. Acquiesces are just acquaintances. Be congenial and respectful to them and hope they are congenial and respectful back, but if they aren't, there is no reason in the world why you should care half of a rat's butt fig about it.

So if you can keep from letting all the stuff that doesn't matter keep you from stressing out, maybe the real stressors won't get to you so much. yes, you have to care about your actual friends and family, and if you are still angry with them, then you need to work on it, as I detailed above in my post to you above.

And about what Laureat said about Play and Exercise is profoundly true... play and exercise is powerfully effective and most people don't know about it. Some of the happiest moments of my life was when I spent a few years training for marathons. Long distance running, up and down mountain trails and such as that is what they call a 'Flow' activity. After the first mile or so, running becomes in a way effortless, and even when you push hard, then instead of fatiguing, it becomes exhilarating (even if you do have to slow down eventually despite yourself, as the energy drain must take its toll). I got the same feeling from sport touring motorcycles. You can't swoop through canyons without an intense focus and concentration. The Sport of it brings out a Quintessential Basic Core Personality. In such Flow Activities there can be no phoniness or pretense. You find Yourself looking back from a clean mirror, so to speak. When I became more and more lame as I got older, I focused more on my Music, and recently on Math. anything is a Flow Activity that makes the Time Fly. A lot of people do Video Gaming. Well, okay, but a person who spend 3 hours a day for two years playing video games could just as well have bought a violin for the same money and learned how to play by ear to all of his favorite pop songs... indeed, you could develop a better sense of feel and expression than people who take actual official lessons and who play off of music sheet. It is the difference between being a True Artist and painting by numbers. But at least video games can take one's mind off of all of one's unessential stresses. Oh, if you are young and healthy, you should think of taking up Dance, even if you are not gay. Music enhances any Flow Activity and nothing is more challenging than to be able to dance well and expressively. and your health and physical endurance will be top notch after awhile. You see, the Flow Activity aspect makes you continue on and on at a level of exertion that would kill a horse. It is very exhilarating. But if you put the same time into video gaming, you only develop good thumb eye coordination, but otherwise become flabby and pale.

Well, time to get back to my Math Table.
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#4

Postby George7 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:11 am

Thank you all for your replies. I’m a young mother so at the moment I’m not working. Maybe that could be affecting me. I think it’s just lots of little things daily that get to me that shouldn’t so you are right, if I can stop stressing about those small things then maybe when something big actually happens I won’t get so angry
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#5

Postby Leo Volont » Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:29 pm

George7 wrote:Thank you all for your replies. I’m a young mother so at the moment I’m not working. Maybe that could be affecting me. I think it’s just lots of little things daily that get to me that shouldn’t so you are right, if I can stop stressing about those small things then maybe when something big actually happens I won’t get so angry


Oh my God! I was lead to believe you were a guy just because of the name. That is a terrible indicator regarding my power of discernment. that is something else I will have to work on.

but yes, young mothers are definitely going through a lot and almost everybody expects that young mothers will inevitably show signs of being stressed out every now and then.

Oh! Don't be embarrassed about asking for help. Perhaps you know very mature teenage girls in the neighborhood or older mothers whose children have grown up and left him... those are the kind of people who love babies. You could arrange for them to watch Baby for perhaps only 45 minutes after school so that you could catch a cat nap or even just go for a walk. Hillary Clinton's most interesting and least politically self serving book was "It Takes a Village a Raise a Child" ... but the compelling title of the book was worth the money. Yes, do indeed reach out socially. Babies are huge stressful burden if you must carry it unrelieved. So look around your community for people who would absolutely love to spell you for breaks every now an then. For short spells babies are really no trouble at all. You just have to remember to someday return the favor. Such people will necessarily be on your Forever Christmas Card List.

Oh, Merry Christmas!
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#6

Postby Jonok1 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 2:05 pm

Leo, really enjoyed reading your post, I too am going through a lot of anger, really don't know what is behind it all. Found what you said very helpful Thanks.
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#7

Postby George7 » Tue Dec 05, 2017 5:02 pm

Haha no I am female. It’s definately a struggle being young and having a child but I’m lucky to have my family around to help me. They do help me a lot but I feel like once they’ve been at work all day I don’t really want to just hand over my little one to them so I can have a break, if that makes sense.
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#8

Postby Leo Volont » Tue Dec 05, 2017 10:16 pm

George7 wrote:Haha no I am female. It’s definately a struggle being young and having a child but I’m lucky to have my family around to help me. They do help me a lot but I feel like once they’ve been at work all day I don’t really want to just hand over my little one to them so I can have a break, if that makes sense.


I'm so glad you answered back, because I knew you would feel that way, about not "wishing to impose" on your friends and family, but I did not want to anticipate your reserve by mentioning it before you yourself would bring up the subject. But here again I should mention that in small doses certain people LOVE babies, even when they must take charge of them when they are waling and spewing nastiness from both ends -- vomiting and pooping at the same time. For many people babies are adorable and cute no matter what they do. Of course, I would guess that most men aren't terribly predisposed to an effortlessly euphoric attitude toward infant care, but many young women, many teenage girls, and many 'empty nest' mothers actually look forward to taking on little Baby Care Shifts. Its an instinctual Social Trait that has assured the survival of the human species. While we may all wonder what men are good for (Oh, but look at how good Men are at giving easy advice!), it is certainly clear that Women are predisposed toward nurturing Life.

but, yes, I am very glad you have family support. As I said about people understanding about postnatal mood swings in new mothers. Of course your family will understand that you will seem like a vicious snarling barking dog at times, but they know the REAL You and that you will return to normal soon enough (well, they will all hope it more sooner than later... but you know what I mean).

But, yes, God Bless You. Mothers are great. I am an old man and I can tell you some of the best experiences in my life were with my mother growing up. the Love and Confidence between a mother and a child creates the preconditions for a lot of wonderful moments. One of my best memories was when my family had just moved to the suburbs and we had a temporary mailbox off on the main road down the hill a bit. I was 3 or 4 and old enough to walk and so she took me by the hand and we went to get the mail. It was springtime and it was sunny and blue, and when we left our residential street the road ran next to a large undeveloped field that was a yellow explosion of wild daisies, or whatever such wild flowers are. Well, I had not seen anything so beautiful in my life, up till then, and perhaps, now that I think about it, there hasn't been anything that has effected me on the aesthetic level quite so deeply ever since. I remember that my mouth dropped open and I just kind of lost myself in that compelling vision of yellow splendor. But then my mother's voice broke the trance and I heard her say, Well, Little Leo, what is your favorite color?" "Yellow, Mommy". It meant so much to me at the time that she knew what I was thinking and feeling. but, anyway, Mothers are Great and you're a Mother. Everyone else thinks Mothers are Great too (it is really no joke about how men will fight even against great odds when there is any negative mention of their Mothers, that may represent to them the only thing in their dismal lives that they ever cherished) and so people are greatly predisposed to come to the aid of Mothers... they WANT to help.

But, your reserve does you credit and it is wonderful that you are so considerate. In any case, the baby will not be so troublesome, given a few more Christmases. It might seem like a long time, but just look at how many mothers, once they get past this so troublesome period decide to have a 'little brother or sister' for the first baby. It is one of those things where people seem to remember only the Good Times (which is surely a psychological mechanism designed to make us more hopeful for the Future then actual facts could reasonably warrant. For instance, recently I finally got a hip operation that I had needed for years. Well, it seems I can only remember the pain and the severe inconveniences of being crippled somewhat inferentially, telling myself how bad it must have been for myself, because, psychologically I snapped into the All's Well that Ends Well mode of thinking and remembering. I would suggest you keep a historical record of your posts here so you can surprise yourself in about 5 years with evidence that you weren't always radiant and smiling the whole time.
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