Relationship with an EX

Postby uilan » Mon Dec 18, 2017 2:40 pm

Hi I met my ex after thirteen years. He was my childhood sweetheart and first love and we broke up due to very silly misunderstandings as we were too immature at that age. Both of us are married and have loving spouses.

We had lunch and spent a few hours together chatting and catching up on things. He went back to his town and we met again after a year. Same thing never had anything physical just had a few hours chatting, eating at a restaurant together etc. Then another year passes by and this time when we met we got a little bit physical but did not have sex. However the next time we met and untill now for the past 4 years we have been meeting 1-2 times a year and we end up making out passionate sex. Both of us are married and have kids. Neither of us is willing to disturb the current marital status. We both love our spouses and kids. On my side I realized have never fell out of love with my ex since the past 20 years. He has a soft corner in my heart that will never go away. However he sends me mixed signals. Whenever we meet he makes passionate sex with me as in he cannot just not touch me or not make out with me. He and I have a great sexual chemistry together. We talk for hours on the phone about all kinds of random non sexual stuff. But lately a few hours before his departure for the trip... he brings up the topic of going back to a more non-physical relationship... as in sleeping on separate beds not getting physical.... sort of like how our first two meeting were... meeting for lunches dinners etc....But he wants to meet me whenever an opportunity arises. The opportunity we have are limited may be once a year or if lucky twice a year for 2-3 days and thats it as we live very far and need to take a flight to meet. I am just heartbroken because for me this is a second chance with him. These few days we get in a year just make me feel like I belong to him. I just love him like I would love no one else. The physical aspect of this is phenomenal and for me it just makes it complete. It is not casual sex for me. I will not be able to maintain a platonic relationship with him, however if I tell this to him I feel we may completely cut this off.Please help
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#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 18, 2017 3:43 pm

uilan wrote: I will not be able to maintain a platonic relationship with him,


There is a difference between want and need. Of course you can maintain a platonic relationship. You just don’t want to. The help you need is in your misguided thinking that you can’t possibly control your base desires, that somehow that is simply not possible.

If this man couldn’t have sex, if he literally was unavailable, unable to perform, or for whatever reason not sexually capable, then what? You wouldn’t be his friend, you wouldn’t fly to go meet him?

So he is chocolate cake and you just are so incapable of controlling yourself, you have such a low ability to manage your emotions, that you can’t possibly not get on the plane? Hogwash. That is an excuse. You are not that incapable of being responsible, rather you just don’t want to be responsible.

The answer you want to hear is some solution that allows you to continue to eat your delicious, sinful chocolate cake, to indulge in this couple of times a year fantasy. Well, you can easily continue that if you wish, but maybe not this particular man. You can find other ways to indulge your base desires.

Or...and the path I would recommend, is you stop pretending that this is something beyond your capacity, outside of your control, that would just be so devastating that you wouldn’t be able to handle it. Bull. You are mature enough, you are an adult, you can use your brain to handle this desire.
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#2

Postby uilan » Tue Dec 19, 2017 2:45 pm

Yes I would still want to meet him and be his friend even if he was sexually incapable. The feelings are so intense because there is a history we both had in the past as well as now in the present. As far as base desires go.... there is no want on my side to fulfill that with an other man. Like I said earlier I am not looking for casual sex. Its this bond I share with him since my teenage years that makes me behave like this.
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#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:01 pm

uilan wrote:.... there is no want on my side to fulfill that with an other man. Like I said earlier I am not looking for casual sex. Its this bond I share with him since my teenage years that makes me behave like this.


It is still a want, not a need. It doesn’t matter if you believe that what you want can only be filled by one other person. It doesn’t change it to a need. It is still a base desire that you want, nothing more. You don’t need it. You can and will live without it, you simply don’t want to.

It is like eating that delicious, baked from scratch, scrumptious apple pie. You had no idea it was something you liked so much. You didn’t need and don’t need apple pie to live. It isn’t a need, it is just something you like a lot. Now the bakery might be shut down and you act as if you can’t possibly function without apple pie. Hogwash. You will be fine without apple pie.

But you say, this is much more than apple pie. No, it isn’t. The feel good chemicals released into your body are similar. Addiction to those chemicals can be rather strong, it can make people confuse want with need, but even the heroine addict doesn’t need more heroin, the sex addict doesn’t need more sex, and you don’t NEED a sexual relationship with this man. You simply want a sexual relationship with this man as to get your fix.

Well tough. Time to grow up. You made a choice to bite into this tasty apple pie, to get your wants, your desires satisfied. Now you have to deal with that being taken away. It’s not a good thing, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just life. You make choices, but you don’t want to deal with the consequences. That’s not the way things work. You might not like that answer, but I’m just the messenger. You don’t have to listen. You can do whatever you like to try to keep this man delivering you a delicious slice of apple pie so you can continue to get your emotional release. Have at it, see how that works out. Fact is, that this man isn’t going to keep feeding you emotionally indefinitely, so your best path is to get used to it. The bakery is closed.
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