Found out about wife's sexual fantasies and now despise her

Postby confusedandsad » Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:30 pm

Hello all, thanks for a great forum. I've been lurking for a while and now finally created an account.

I just want to share what's on my mind and get some feedback from somebody else.

I've been married for 12 years and never really had the sexlife I've wanted. The reason that I just didn't want to have sex with my wife more than a short session once or twice a month is that she was/is not interested in sharing her excitement with me. She will never turn me down if I want to have sex with her (i.e. in reality just put my d*ck in her), but she doesn't allow herself to get excited and will not tell me what turns her on or share any fantasies.

For that reason I've been taking care of business myself for many years, but that's just not doing it for me anymore. Also, this lack of a real intimate sex life, which to me is linked with sharing what turns you on with your partner, has caused a great deal of distance between my wife and I, at least on my part. So I finally confronted my wife and told her that I want to have a real sex life with her, where we both take responsibility for our own orgasm and allow ourselves to be excited and aroused around eachother.

My wife says that her sexuality is shameful for her, and that is the reason she's not interested in telling me what turns her on and about her fantasies. I have no problem telling her about mine, and she has helped me masturbate on many occasions. She just doesn't want to let me in on her own sexuality. She will let me "do her" but I feel humiliated when she's just lying there letting me do my thing. She tells me it's nice and all but her orgasms she wants alone, but to me it's not enough if we're not both excited when we do it.

So now to the big mistake I made: I'm ashamed to admit that I feel that I am entitled to a sex life with my wife and that she should take responsibility for telling me about her turn-ons so that I can help her have nice sex, but she will absolutely not. So I took a look at the Google-stored activity history on our computer, and found out that she looks at pictures of this particular client she once had (she's a medical professional) who is a murderer and psychopath and masturbates (I've caught her and heard her many times) while looking at his images. And I can tell from the time stamps that she does it quite a lot and at times when I'm asleep or away from the house (of course). She also visits porn sites, but mostly masturbates while looking at his images. What she thinks of doing with him I can only imagine. I finally told her I found out but she of course will not talk about it and denies having fantasies about her former client. Of course she does, as I mentioned she has never been willing to tell me about her fantasies and turn-ons. I know it is a betrayal of her when I spy on her internet activity and that is wrong. She sort of forgave me about the spying but naturally doesn't trust me a whole lot now. I gained access to her deepest fantasies without her consent.

Thing is, now I despise her. I feel it's wrong of her to only have orgasms by herself and not make an effort to open up and tell me about what turns her on. I think a husband and wife should have a sex life where they can be free from shame and should be able to talk about what turns each other on. I'm perverted in my sex life in my own way and would love for her to tell me about her fantasies about her client and use that fantasy in our sex lives.

Does any of this make sense? It's a lot of words and I just have to tell someone. I'm feeling sad and alone and angry about the fact that she could go on for the rest of her life with her fantasies and no orgasms with me. I'm at a point where I consider a divorce because I need the intimacy that goes with mutually satisfying sex so bad. We have two kids who would be crushed if we divorced, but I just can't live like this anymore.

Thanks for listening, comments appreciated.
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#1

Postby tokeless » Mon Dec 18, 2017 5:40 pm

Hi,
Fantasies are private things and some people won't share them whilst others will. I get the intimacy issue having been there but I think for that there needs to be a high level of trust because people may worry about being judged or thought negatively of. As for your wife? Perhaps there are other trust issues going on it she just may not want to say and there's not a lot you can do about it. Ending your marriage won't change that either because your next partner may be the same or worse. All I suggest is take the pressure off and build the trust but now she knows you spied that may be difficult. Also, do you really need to know her darkest thoughts because you know about this ex client and say you dislike her for it... why not use it as fantasy play? Or is it that this has threatened you because your jealous? Tell her if so because he's likely to be just a fantasy so the issues may be yours?
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#2

Postby confusedandsad » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:17 pm

Thanks for the reply, tokeless.
I am jealous of the fact that she would rather have real, exciting sex with herself and her fantasies than with me. I totally get the whole fantasy thing and would love for that to come into play. I would just love to "get into her head" so to speak. For her to want to share her thoughts and turnons with me. There's no doubt about she feels ashamed about her fantasies and what turns her on, but I think she needs to work on it. Because sexual intimacy is very important for a healthy marriage. She only needs hugs and kisses and one who will listen to her, the sex/orgasm thing she wants alone. I am absolutely sure that it is just a fantasy for her, what she wants in a romantic partner (husband) is me, she told me many times. But I cannot be a husband for her if she can't share her sexuality with me. And I don't believe in getting my needs fulfilled anywhere else - or even want to do it. I'd rather be alone by my self than alone in a marriage if that makes sense.
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#3

Postby tokeless » Mon Dec 18, 2017 7:57 pm

It does make sense yes but perhaps the way forward is to back off on the need for now. I wanted similar with my ex wife and when It came out she said "Of course I have fantasies but I don't want to share them with you. They're for me". Not the answer I hoped for but an answer none the less. Would she consider sex therapy? However that could make it worse as in trying to cure her when she may feel there's nothing wrong (with her).
Would she talk about this if she knew how it was effecting you? Sounds like a communication issue underneath this..
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#4

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:18 pm

Approach the situation like any other goal that must be resolved in phases or steps. You can't expect her to go from over a decade of not telling you to being completely open and sharing in a month.

Regardless, you do need to set a reasonable expectation for the relationship moving forward. You do need to make it clear that the current state of the relationship is unacceptable. As you correctly observed sex is an important part of a healthy relationship and...

confusedandsad wrote: And I don't believe in getting my needs fulfilled anywhere else - or even want to do it. I'd rather be alone by my self than alone in a marriage if that makes sense.


This then requires you have some time frame in mind. You need to determine what you believe is reasonable for moving the relationship forward. You need to determine the steps you want to see in opening up communication. You also need to determine if that opening up of communication fails to take place, what consequences, what actions will then be taken.

Currently she has no motive, no reason to modify the relationship. Why should she? It has been over a decade so there is no incentive.

I would let her know your thoughts about divorce, but not as some sort of negative consequence, but rather a potential reality that you have been considering. I would then ask her to work with you and to simply start small, to communicate one small fantasy, a mild wish she has. If she is unwilling to take this small first step, then you have a real problem on your hands and you must be very firm that while you care about her, while you love her, you will be taking some time to yourself to consider the relationship.

You obviously can't nor should you want to force her, blackmail her, or control her behavior, but at the same time it doesn't mean you have to sit there doing nothing. You can slowly escalate, taking steps to distance yourself from the relationship if she is unwilling to engage in that first small step.

Again, I want to reinforce not to take a negative or punitive approach, but rather a realistic approach that something must change. Have a time frame in mind. If after 3 months or 6 months she hasn't even taken the slightest step towards working with you to resolve the issue, then you need to seriously consider your options. This could be a few days to yourself, a trial separation, or possibly divorce.

If on the other hand she does share a small fantasy, you need to relish and enjoy, you need to make her feel very comfortable. Don't push too hard. Give it some time and only then take the next step, once again working towards a more sexually open relationship.
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#5

Postby confusedandsad » Mon Dec 18, 2017 8:56 pm

tokeless wrote:It does make sense yes but perhaps the way forward is to back off on the need for now. I wanted similar with my ex wife and when It came out she said "Of course I have fantasies but I don't want to share them with you. They're for me". Not the answer I hoped for but an answer none the less. Would she consider sex therapy? However that could make it worse as in trying to cure her when she may feel there's nothing wrong (with her).
Would she talk about this if she knew how it was effecting you? Sounds like a communication issue underneath this..


Sorry to hear that your (ex) wife also didn't want to share her fantasies. Did she tell you why she felt they were only for her? Mine says that she's sure I wouldn't understand or could accept them. I on the other hand would love nothing more and could accept anything as long as she stays faithful to me. In a way I think of it now as if she's kind of cheating. Not kind of to be honest. I really feel cheated on. There, I said it.
She once, several years ago, told me that she considered seeing a sex therapist because she thought her sexuality was weird. Nothing came of it though, and I never pushed for it. I did nothing as it didn't bother me much then. I should have done something in retrospect.
She knows exactly how it affects me as I've told her directly. She just don't think it's a problem and that I should relax and just go on with my life. And it indeed ISN'T a problem for her, she seems to prefer it like this evidently. At the same time she says she loves me and doesn't want a divorce.
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#6

Postby tokeless » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:06 pm

I just don't think we were sexually compatible after the initial lust years. This imo is when you have to work at keeping it fresh or at least satisfying. I have explained to my current partner, who is my soul mate that if we are each others sex life for the rest of our lives we have to have that deeper connection where anything in your head is okay. I've told her some filth about my fantasies of her and she gets off on it because she knows and I know it'll never come true because we don't want it to... it's just for us. I'm sure you can resolve this for the best as she sounds open to working on it but as Richard says there has to be movement.
Best wishes
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#7

Postby confusedandsad » Mon Dec 18, 2017 9:17 pm

To Richard:
Thanks for your thoughts. You seem right on the money. Of course I'm being too impatient expecting things to change quickly after this much time. It's difficult not to be impatient since I'm also quite angry with her and I guess also myself for letting it get to this. I will have to get through the holiday season and have a serious talk with her again. And before that decide what I am willing to accept. I really, really love her, but at the same time, if it's not ever going to change drastically I don't think I could ever be happy. At the moment it's making me depressed and anxious.
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