Will this abortion end our relationship?

Postby Sean Carrie » Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:17 pm

Context: My partner (27) and I (32) have been dating for over a year now. S is the love of my life, my family (especially my mom) loves her as well and I even brought her home for Christmas this year.

About a week before Christmas she told me her period was late, but since she does have very irregular periods, we just decided not to panic yet and booked an appointment for the 20th of dec.

She told me the test showed up positive, but there was nothing to see via ultrasound - so we had to fly away for Christmas, without really knowing what was going on.

Christmas was just amazing and so much fun, except for one day when a cousin of mine came over with his wife and nine month old baby. She was all over the kid, playing with her, helping the mother to prepare food for her ... etc - of course everyone else just thought she just being nice and generally good with kids, but that night I noticed a change in her. We talked about our options and I said I‘m not ready for a baby and elaborated on how it doesn’t fit our plans.

Even though it was really dark in the room I could see tears running down her face and when I asked her what was wrong she brushed it off and agreed with me that having an abortion was the right thing to do.

She went in for an appointment on the 29th of dec. to see if there was an actual progression in the pregnancy and when she called me she said everything looked normal and but claimed she had to go in for a second app. a week later to make sure it’s not located in the wrong spot.

So she went to the 2nd follow up appointment and again everything came back normal and they told her she could book an abortion a week later. She also told me she was able to hear the heartbeat. I thought that was an odd & unnecessary thing to share but I didn’t comment on that. I just wanted to make sure she is ok.

The abortion is set to take place next Monday and two days ago she started to act strange. Didn’t really answer my messages like she usually, immediately does and overall she just seemed very tired. Then yesterday she told me to „just give her some space and that she needs to figure some things out for herself“. She also told me that she loves me and that I must not worry, but I am really panicking right now, because I know if she didn’t want to do this (the abortion) she would never tell me herself.

I think because I made my opinion on this topic very clear to her early on, she completely refuses to talk about it now. Of course she keeps telling me everything is „ok“ and how „we don’t need to talk about this“, but I can tell she is faking it. She is one of those people who always smile, always keeps her cool and puts everybody else’s needs before her own. But I know this is different. She is not herself anymore and there is nothing I can do... I try to give her space now but I constantly think about what might happen after Friday...

I can’t imagine a life without her. I definitely want kids with her some day - just not right now.

I‘m really worried that this is the beginning of a break up.
Sean Carrie
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:42 pm
Likes Received: 0


#1

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 11, 2018 8:28 pm

Will it end the relationship? Possibly.

What you wrote makes it pretty clear that she doesn't want an abortion. In other words, you selected memories such as playing with kids, crying in the night, and mentioning a heartbeat to indicate she doesn't want the abortion. If this wasn't the elephant in the room, you would not have posted.

So...in an effort to move your dilemma forward, what do you think would happen if you went to her and reversed your position? What would she say if you told her you were willing to have the child with her? How would she react?

NOTE: I'm not saying actually to do this...I'm asking you the hypothetical.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9406
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 954

#2

Postby Sean Carrie » Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:08 pm

I think if I told her I changed my mind she would have the baby.
She told me she would love to have kids „with the right person“ and a few months ago we even joked about our future with kids and how we would raise them in a house by the beach on the big island of Hawaii. Of course at this Point I thought kids were something we might consider a few years from now - not within the next months!

We both do fairly well financially so money is not an issue but I want to apply for a director position in another town soon (right now I‘m a senior manager) and she works a lot of extra hours as a nurse - so we would have to move cities. Plus I wanted to have more time with JUST HER. She is the woman of my dreams and there are so many things I want to explore and experience with her, before we have to take care of a child 24/7... I know that might seem selfish but I really don’t feel ready for this!

I know it’s not fair to her but in the end to me this is just a lump of cells. It doesn’t have a conscious mind or sense of self. Some people even say embryos are not able to feel pain til week 22 due to the developmental stage of the spinal cord and general nervous system. So I don’t really see why this has to be so difficult...
Sean Carrie
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:42 pm
Likes Received: 0

#3

Postby Richard@DecisionSkills » Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:48 pm

Sean Carrie wrote:.. I know that might seem selfish but I really don’t feel ready for this!...I know it’s not fair to her ...


I know this is not fair to her

That says a lot.

What you feel, that it is just a lump of cells, doesn't necessarily translate into what she feels. What I mean, is even if she agrees 100% with you that it is just a lump of cells, her feelings as you have described them are someone that is crying, upset, and torn over a decision to end a heartbeat. She isn't crying because she needs a medical procedure to remove a lump of cells. She is crying because her beliefs are that a heartbeat will be terminated and that she doesn't want to end that heartbeat. My guess, not that it matters, is that her beliefs are much more leaning to the side that a heartbeat is a clear indication of life.

Add to it, that if you know it is not fair, then she probably realizes it is not fair as well. That is a lot for her to handle. It is much easier for you to handle it, because you have successfully dehumanized the act of getting an abortion. It doesn't sound like she has dehumanized it, quite the opposite.

You will move on, because to you it is a lump of cells. The burden she will carry is forever, she ended a heartbeat. How will she explain it? I'm not saying she has to say a single word to anyone the rest of her life. I'm asking, in a conversation with another person or in her own mind, how would she justify the abortion? Will she have the justification of being unemployed, in poverty, without food and shelter, single and without any support, sick and trying to recover from some addiction or trauma? No. Instead, she will have to say that she was ready to have a baby, that she heard the heartbeat, but that man in her life wanted a promotion.

The bottom line, it is extremely hard, relative to you, for her to dehumanize and justify. It is much easier for you, given your beliefs. And besides life long regret, it has to be very scary. It opens her eyes to who you really are, the extent to which you are selfish and willing to be unfair in order to have your life the way you want it. NOTE: I'm not accusing you of selfish and unfair, I'm using your own admission. This is a very powerful learning experience for her as she discovers the lengths that you will go to in order to protect your perfect future. This has to shake the foundation of her beliefs on multiple levels.

Will this abortion end our relationship?

There is no way to tell, but it definitely seems like it will put a significant strain on the relationship. Like I said, this is a very tough decision for her and in facing this decision it has opened her eyes as to who you really are. Prior to her getting pregnant, she may have not known exactly how selfish or unfair, she may not have known the lengths you will go to have things the way you want them. Now she knows. Now she knows that you are willing to be so unfair, so unselfish as to have her end a heartbeat inside of her.

Please understand, my response is trying to get inside her head and thereby answer the question about the relationship. I don't have an opinion one way or the other about what she should ultimately do. All I'm trying to do is to see things through her eyes and obviously that is very difficult given all I have to go on is what you have written about her willingness to have the baby.
User avatar
Richard@DecisionSkills
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 9406
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2012 2:25 am
Likes Received: 954

#4

Postby quietvoice » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:40 pm

You're old enough to know that if you play around, you take your chances in getting pregnant. If you were so dead set against having a child until your other ambitions are met, you know what needs to be done.

So, now what? You are indicating that she is wanting to have her baby, in so many words.

Life will always have a lurking surprise ready to pop into your life at the most inconvenient time. If you love this woman that much that you planned on having a family anyway . . .

Bring It On, Baby!!

Change your perspective and roll with it. Taking on this responsibility may be the best thing ever to have happened yet in your life.

If you're not ready, and you talk her into doing what she doesn't really want to do, I'm afraid you will pay for it sooner or later. Your relationship is on another level now and there's no turning back.

Be well.
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1905
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 195

#5

Postby bob7777777 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 5:38 am

If she ends up feeling that you forced her to go through with an unwanted abortion, she may never forgive you and that could put immense pressure on the relationship. It's possible, but I think wishful thinking, that she might put it all behind her for a few years until the next pregnancy comes.

It's worth thinking about this in other ways. There are disadvantages to being an old father, and there are rarely advantages to postponing something that is inevitable.

Nearly all of my male friends have said to me words to the effect of:

"Having a child is something I never would have chosen, but now that we have one I am so happy about it that it is something I would never put back."

My point is that it seems standard that most men are extremely daunted about fatherhood, sometimes because they want to be perfect fathers and fear not living up to their own expectations. When the child comes, they tend to muddle through, and by the time the are blissfully playing soccer with the child five years later, they wonder what all their fuss had been about. At that stage, sometimes they become even more involved and committed than the mother, by choice.

My vote: if you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman, and if you want to have a child with her one day anyway, ask her to keep the child. Handling your worry about it is your personal matter, a task for you to achieve just as you would in the workplace or any other battlefield. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life with her, and won't ever want to have a child anyway, that's another matter.
bob7777777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2017 5:13 am
Likes Received: 0

#6

Postby quietvoice » Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:15 pm

Sean Carrie wrote:She is one of those people who always smile, always keeps her cool and puts everybody else’s needs before her own.

This is a great character trait for a master-slave relationship, is it not? What is your attraction to a woman who is not being herself, one who won't express and obtain what she feels that she needs for herself?
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1905
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 195

#7

Postby laureat » Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:41 pm

When there is an agreement there is no problem but as you said : she doesnt seem to fully agree about it

Abortion may not be a problem for somebody else that both fully agree about it, but you guys are unsure about it and you cannot guess where does this lead to

We dont know what she believes

And we dont know what she will decide later

Hurt = hate

She may hate you, she may revenge you
But i dont have the crystal ball here
She may forgive you

We dont know the future all we know is that she does not fully agree about it
laureat
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1418
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:45 pm
Location: Kosovo
Likes Received: 108

#8

Postby Sean Carrie » Sun Jan 14, 2018 9:46 pm

Update:

First of all - thank you for your comments. Especially for those who opened my eyes to a few things:

1. Yes she mentioned the heartbeat. And I guess for any woman to stop a beating heart within herself is hard. I didn’t see it that way. I still have this lump stuck in my mind and maybe that’s my way of denial or „dehumanizing“ the situation. I don’t know. And at the moment I don’t want to.

2. I know that sex leads to babies. I’m not 15 anymore. But at the same time with modern contraception I though it was 100% save. From the research I‘ve done I learned it’s not. I guess in the beginning I even blamed her for it... I can’t remember if I said it out loud, but I definitely know something along the lines of „how is that possible!?“ came out of my mouth. It’s her body but it takes two to get pregnant. I stopped holding a grudge against her. I know it’s not fair anyway but I am a person who‘s always looking for patterns and causation. It’s a big part of my job as well. So I thought „this has got to be somebody’s fault“. And if it’s not hers than it’s the embryo‘s fault.

3. This way of thinking pared with my generalized idea of child rearing and how it takes away all of you freedom led to an instant search for „a solution“. And given my perspective there was only one.

4. My girlfriend is not a „submissive“ coward but she is very considerate of others. She grew up with 4 younger siblings in a „troubled family“ and I guess that shaped her character a lot. But at the same time she is really intelligent, funny, ambitious and has an open mind.

5. If 4 wasn’t true, she wouldn’t have written me a letter - which unfortunately lays out my future without her.

Though she wrote „this isn’t me resenting you. This is me respecting your choices and setting you free“ I feel dumped. I called her every other hour over the weekend and even came to her house but she won’t talk to me.
Not even for 3 minutes!
I feel horrible... I hate myself...
She wrote about things that I had no clue about... because it never came up! I can understand her point of view completely and it hurts me so much to imagine what she must feel, but at the same time I feel as though I had no chance. No opportunity to talk to her about this!!!

For example I told her that I believe we were „meant to be“ because I really do and I never loved anyone as much as her. Now she is using that against me by saying / writing „That’s not true. Because I was never meant to be. I was unplanned, unwanted (...)“ How am I supposed to know that she herself was an out of wedlock pregnancy?!

I feel so sorry for everything that she’s been through and for my part in re-awakening those memories, but I had no idea!

She didn’t accuse me of anything and wrote that he loves me but doesn’t want to force anything on me. I am so shattered... I just want her to hear me out and let me take care of her.... I really think if she would have talked to me earlier and in person the situation would be different but now she doesn’t even answer any of my texts.

What can I do?
Sean Carrie
New Member
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 6:42 pm
Likes Received: 0

#9

Postby quietvoice » Sun Jan 14, 2018 10:30 pm

Sean Carrie wrote:. . . she [has] written me a letter - which . . . lays out my future without her.

. . . she won’t talk to me.

What can I do?

Maybe, she will come around given some time. Give her and you some space.**


** If she ever tells you not to contact her, take heed. The laws (at least in many jurisdictions in the U.S.) give one who finds themselves harassed by another person a legal remedy colloquially called a Restraining Order. You don't want that on your record.
User avatar
quietvoice
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1905
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2014 8:14 pm
Likes Received: 195

#10

Postby bob7777777 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 4:52 am

What can I do?


Make a decision, today. In order to salvage the relationship are you willing to encourage her to go through with the pregnancy, or not?

By the way, a Google search shows that 40-45% of pregnancies in the US and UK are unplanned. You might have been unplanned. It's not especially relevant to this situation whether or not she was.

This is a personal emergency. Take a day off work to deal with it.

Write her a letter. Handwritten, not printed. She's going to keep it forever. Hand post it or courier it for immediate delivery.

You have the option to ask her for understanding and forgiveness. You are within your rights to be shocked by the situation, and to have panicked. You can explain, if it's true, that you panicked because you want to be the perfect father and husband, and so you wanted to do things according to a plan. And that now you see that you are not perfect (and yet still you know you can do your best, especially for her), life isn't perfect, and you see that it's how you respond and adapt to the unexpected that counts. You want to love and protect and fight for your child and your woman. You want to be as giving and as selfless as she has been to you, and that she is your inspiration. I suspect that this is exactly what she wants to hear from you.

Going forward, couples counselling might help you heal the incident. So might a walk in the park together.

That's just one option of several, like I say. Think about it.

But either way, take immediate action.
bob7777777
Junior Member
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2017 5:13 am
Likes Received: 0

#11

Postby laureat » Mon Jan 15, 2018 1:17 pm

You should try to contact her but if she rejects/ignores? All you can do about that is wait

After all, you cant just make a woman pregnant and tell her i dont care about it; there are some rules about it, she can sue you if she wants, and force you to pay for child support

Now it is all a matter of what she wants to do
laureat
Senior Member
 
Posts: 1418
Joined: Fri Aug 24, 2012 10:45 pm
Location: Kosovo
Likes Received: 108



  • Similar Topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Return to Psychology