Quitting Marijuana Diary

Postby Dandysam123 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:22 pm

Hi,

So I've recently come to the conclusion that my substance abuse was actually an issue, how surprising (not)! Marijuana is specifically my main issue, considering I have religiously smoked cannabis for 8 years straight with very few breaks in between. After reading a few diaries regarding quitting marijuana I thought posting a diary may help me and possibly other people in the same problem, so I hope you join me on this daunting journey!

First of all I'll start with a bit of my backstory....

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life, even from a young age. Then I found marijuana, the drug helped me coup with my issues without actually solving it. This is something I have only just realised. I have tried to quit before but found I would replace cannabis with other drugs, mainly alcohol. This was obviously worse in a way as day to day smoking cannabis wouldn't hinder me as much, overall I've come to realize I am more addicted to being disassociated/not myself, escapism really.

Weed is still effecting my day to day life, on the drug i'm: not social, not active, a vegetable, basically.
I am also dependent on weed for: Filling in boredom (i.e. restless), eating, happiness, escapism and mostly sleeping.

I use other drugs but intermittently so this of less concern, I deter from uppers such as MDMA and cocaine as they make me feel like sh**. Although I am partial to a psychedelic here and there. Although the use of other drugs I don't think I have a major problem with, for the first month I've decided to take nothing apart from cigarettes, I mean I gotta enjoy something right?

My realization of my marijuana problem hit me when tripping very hard when I was just at a point thinking 'What am I doing with my life? I'm 23 and still so immature/reckless, it is time to change and too change I need to kick this dirty habit/dependency I have on weed'

So yeah I'm 23, in my final year of university and shits gunna get real soon, as I enter the 'real' world. Time to mature! So here we go.....

(Oh yeah I've just started counselling and am doing a drug support thing next week too)
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#1

Postby Dandysam123 » Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:55 pm

Day one:

This day I was incredibly hungover and tired therefore the impacts of not smoking weed for the first day wasn't a huge issue as I was fatigued and just wanted to sleep, the sleep wasn't the best but there were no obvious signs of withdrawal. So i'm going to jump to day two where the withdrawal signs were a lot more evident.


Day two:

I moved back to university today and I hate uni so this defiantly had an impact on my feelings so it was hard to distinguish if how I felt was because of no weed or just being here. So overall I wasn't in the greatest of moods. I did everything I needed to in the day and felt kinda normal.

When I got home and had to find some form of stimulation/entertain is when I really started to struggle, usually I would get home, hit the bong and mong. It was easy, unproductive and a routine I had stuck to for many years. I sat in my room restless and tempted to smoke,. For me access to weed is very easy, infinite and essentially free, this makes the temptation even more so, but i resisted! Luckily a housemate was in and I chilled with him for the evening, this is different for me, I'd usually smoke and just stay in my room droning to youtube or something. Prior to chilling with my friend the idea of going on youtube or watching TV was uninteresting, this was a cannabis thing, sober me was not really interested in that activity. I then went to the gym as I usually do then I got home to an empty house, what was I to do now?

Very mentally awake in the late evening I became restless, even after the gym. I decided to read, something I would never do high, why would I when I had dumb entertainment on my laptop? Reading sober was far more satisfying and I read very late into the night. Then came the struggle. I was dossing off then a housemate came in from a night out and awoke my near sleep state. From there I had a panic attack and freaked out for an hour, crying intensely and having the darkest thoughts of suicide, loneliness and this fear that I have f***ed my brain from smoking weed from such a young age and for so long. This state of mind was honestly horrendous and I'd wish it on no-one, my thoughts were so sporadic and I was incredibly confused. In this crazy state I finally fell asleep, this leads me to day three.


Day three

I woke and instantly started crying, the thoughts I had the previous night were still very prevalent in my head. All I could think is how am I going to do this? and why did I do this too myself? But I am determined to kick this habit so I got myself up and headed to the gym to hopefully clear my mind, all the while I'm still crying, until I hit the gym where people might see me. I got to put the mask on now, god forbid the public seeing a crying man.

While at the gym I pushed harder than I ever had, this sounds good, but to me it was a form self infliction. After the session I was fatigued and f***ed, but the thoughts I had when I woke had suppressed and I was thinking more clearly. That being said I was still very emotional and really struggled to do any work, the day was unproductive to say the least. All I did was have my first counselling session in probably 4 years, it was something of nothing, but it is early days so I must stay positive.

I continue to keep myself busy when in the evening with my friends as the thought of being alone scares me, especially considering the night i had yesterday. To be honest I was all good, towards the end of the evening I leave my friends as they continue to get pissed and smoke dope. As I leave they tease me for being a wetty but I felt proud, I was around all this and wasn't really tempted and I knew even if I get sh** sleep I'm not gunna be hung/stoned - over like them and I want to have a productive today.

The struggle to sleep is real, especially considering I live with noisy bastards and I had this fear of a another panic attack. I just read for an hour or two then attempted to sleep, I surprisingly did! It wasn't the best of sleeps but I would say at least 4.5 hours of solid sleep was there and I woke up for the first time in ages with a clear head! No fog/daze as I would normally feel from the cannabis This leads me to today, day four.... (which i'll write tomorrow)

To anyone that reads this, thanks for listening to me rambling on and joining me on this journey!
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#2

Postby Dandysam123 » Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:48 pm

Day four

What a day... I'm snappy and so on edge. I seem to be taking it out on my friends which isn't fair and is even worse when you are aware, but are so wrapped up in your weird bubble at the time it doesn't matter. I take the smallest comment towards myself as the largest issue and blow it out of proportion. Feel so nonfunctional in such normal manners of social life right now. I tried keeping busy and seeing friends at the pub, was there for half an hour max and just walked out without saying goodbye. Everything seems so stressful and confusing. Also being sober around drunk people is a rarity for me and it was not fun, then again not much is fun for me right now. I get home to an empty house, restless and sad, i'm very tempted to smoke but I really know I won't. These feelings help me acknowledge that weed has been distracting me from a lot and I am ready to face the problems, this is why I won't take anything, specifically cannabis. But it didn't stop me from burning a cigarette on myself to distract myself from my sadness.

What is surprising to me is that I had no struggle with sleep, and to be honest it was a good sleep, which is defiantly a good aspect to realize. Aside from all this mental sh** going on in my head and my lack of social skills right now I have started to get aches in my lower back. This pain happened last time I quit and it may be a symptom or just something I had not realised as I was always high and the drug numbed it. Going to give it some time to see if the pain passes before seeing a doctor.

Overall - I'm very depressed which makes me unmotivated and disinterested. My appetite is still very poor, well I'm hungry but I just struggle to eat. I feel so alone and want to be with people but I'm a snappy c*** and not very enjoyable to be around, so that's a battle. My lower back is aching. Buuuuut least I slept okay.

I have to just focus on the future. This is hard but realistic.
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#3

Postby Dandysam123 » Sun Jan 14, 2018 12:08 pm

Day five

Still struggling with the same things...

On edge and incredibly depressed. Being at home is the hardest when I have nothing to do in terms of mental health and temptation. I sit and there thinking about smoking weed, drinking my large bottle of southern comfort or swallowing a load of pills. I don't! I just go for walks instead and think about EVERYTHING. Found my self stood by a motorway watching traffic for hours, just thinking about suicide, not to be done there but just contemplating.

I continue to push away the closest people who are helping me through the struggle. I'm not being a friend at all, I'm too self absorbed at the moment. I have also noticed I'm getting an incredibly dry mouth a lot of the time.

It is odd that sleep hasn't really been that much of an issue for me. As I wait for the day to end, sleep is all I can look forward to.

This mentality is the worse symptom and I really hope it ends soon, worried I'm going to lose some close friends. Something I've realised though... this 5 days sober is the first time in around 8 years. This is an achievement and I have to be proud of that and try my best to focus on the positive aspects of life.
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#4

Postby Just_existing » Sun Jan 14, 2018 4:37 pm

Hi Dandysam123,
Thank you so much for posting this. I have 2 sons who are addicted to weed, but are in complete denial. I'm waiting for the day when they see how sh****y theirs lives are because of it. It has completely robbed me of my two beautiful boys. Please, hang in there!!! Your brain needs time to heal now. I would maybe look into nutrition, as food is medicine, well the right foods anyway. Take it from a very sad and scared mom, you are doing amazing and I wish there was something I could do to help you. Have you been honest with your friends about what you are going through, because you say yo sure going to lose them soon. If they are really your friends, they will stick with you, support you and be happy for you that you see something that needed to change and you're changing it. Good luck and if you ever just want to chat with someone, I'm available.
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#5

Postby Dandysam123 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 2:53 pm

Hello Just_existing

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear that about your children, how old are they if you don't mind me asking? My mum always highlighted how I had an issue and all I did was scoff at how she didn't understand, although now I've come to realise how ignorant I was and I'm sure she was/is going through the same struggle as yourself.

That is what I keep telling myself 'my brain just needs time to heal', sometimes it gets foggy and it is hard to see that though. In regards to nutrition I eat very healthily, rarely have takeaways and always aim for 7 a day. As well as regular excersise, this is what frustrates me a lot. Despite all I do I am still in this head space.

I have been very honest with my friends and maybe they do understand. I just can't help but fixate on how much I'm pushing some of my closest and most supportive friends away, almost as if I don't deserve their friendship. Being self aware of it and yet I still do it is CRAZY.

I really appreciate the support from this forum and yourself though. I would love to help in anyway regarding your children though. Considering how I let myself slip into this substance issue from a young age it is very relatable and hopefully insightful to them.
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#6

Postby Dandysam123 » Mon Jan 15, 2018 3:17 pm

Day six, a better day....

I wake up, attempt to work on coursework and procrastinate as I'm too entangled in my own head. 6 hours in the library and minimal work has actually been done. I have to look at this from a positive aspect though, I got out of bed, I still attempted to work and I didn't take drugs.

The day was grey (in my head), gym was good though! Coming back to a house full of people was nice too, when you are so in your head being surrounded by people can really distract you. I find it hard to actively meet and talk to people but when you are almost 'forced' as there are people in the house its good. It is like you are being fake happy at first but then you actually start to feel happy and distracted, the mask starts to become the face. If no one was home I would definitely be worse off.

In conclusion.... Head space is still bad - occasionally up but mainly down, people help but the people trying to help I'm pushing away, appetite is ok, sleep is ok.

I have a drug counselling session Thursday and normal counselling as well, I'm looking forward to these and wish they were sooner as all I want is a safe environment to break down in. But being on here is a sufficient outlet for now, I'm sorry to the people that only have this though as I don't know how I'd manage.

Stay strong lovely people
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#7

Postby Dandysam123 » Tue Jan 16, 2018 3:37 pm

Day seven, first week sober in 8 years....

So I'm really proud of this achievement and try to grasp onto this to carry me through the day. Unfortunately it's another day of looking at a screen and getting nothing done. The stress is building now as deadlines come closer and closer and i'm no where near feeling better. Sometimes I feel this was the worst time to become sober but I'm in the right mind set to do so, I must continue!

My best friend who I said I've been pushing away. Well we spoke extensively and it really did help. She has my back hard and even though I don't feel it is fair to have her putting up with me like this she reminded me how she is always there and I will get through this. She did admit she hasn't been the best lately because she wasn't sure what to do, that is fair enough. At least she is here now and after the conversation I just have to remind myself she is always there. University can be hard because you can feel very lonely purely because you just aren't as close with these people in comparison to your hometown friends who you've known for years. But me and her are tight and losing her would be dumb, must remind myself to not self loath and not feel like I don't deserve her, I also have counselling and this forum to help me. Of course I have other friends who are helping but how I was impacting our friendship was definitely f***ing me in the head.

Talking to her turned me from a depressed zombie to a normal person I have to say! I must not become dependent on her help though!



Day 8....

The people I live with are good people but the mess has really been getting to me. Now I'm not the cleanest person in the world and it has always been an issue in the house, sober or not. But as everything in my life feels like I have a lack of control over, I at least thought having a clean house I could control and it would help my mentality. A few examples of how bad the house is....

My parents refuse to enter the house

If you have white socks on and walk in communal areas those socks are not going to look white anymore

I have found broken glass in my feet numerous times

So yeah its bad and I spoke to everyone about it, all but one were on board and agreed the house needs to be maintained to a better standard. This one person who disagreed is unsurprisingly the main culprit of the issue. He is so in denial about it all and I'm losing the plot over his ignorance! He tells me to get off my high horse and sh** like this, and I'm confused because I'm asking him to clean up after himself rather than me cleaning after him, it is ridiculous! So yeah I'm really struggling with this today, I was shaking with anger as we discussed this over messenger, if it were in person I would've hit him! Because of weed I forgot how much of an angry person I can be and it is something I am working on, but for this person to say all this to me and not follow the census of everyone else is incredibly selfish! I'm worried if I see him and speak to him it will escalate quickly, I'll get incredibly emotional (like i have been this entire week) and resort to violence. Of course there are two pros to the violence because it means I'll be hit which in my current self harming way I've been urging for and secondly I get to hit this dude who is infuriating me! Although I am very aware of the cons, which for the purpose of venting and to remind myself I should really list.... I don't consider him a friend right now but he has been so yes I may lose a friend, the house may become toxic, we have a similar social group so that will be effected, I will probably regret what I've done either as soon as I've done it or later in life, if it were really bad the police could be involved. There are probably more but I already feel calmer writing about it more rationally.

So yeah overall my main struggle today (and the day isn't over) is this anger which has consumed me, I don't feel depressed just stressed and reckless. Angry I want to use more than depressed. Need to just work out coping mechanisms for this anger issue I've been ignoring for years.
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#8

Postby Irishweedfreeguy » Tue Jan 16, 2018 8:20 pm

Hey dandy Sam,
Thought I left a message here earlier but must have sent it sorry, been reading through your journal, your doing so well dude keep it up!! I'm assuming your a dude but I don't know lol

I'm on a similar journey myself, I cracked at the weekend after a couple of crazy days and I'm sorry now I did but back on track for the week ahead and can't wait to get to the end of the week without smoking!!

Your journal seems very honest and seems to me you have amazing mental strength and things of the good times ahead and feeling better etc

Will read back over your jour Al again and keep a check on it, always here to talk to if you need support or anything I'm here dude!! :)

Hope your day is going well
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#9

Postby Dandysam123 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:38 pm

Hi Irishweedfreeguy.

Thanks for the support. I'm sorry to hear you cracked at the weekend, those can be the hardest days when you may not have as much structure in your days and boredom can lead to you becoming restless physically and mentally. Keeping busy is key to controlling your thoughts and temptation. But it is comforting to know someone is going through a similar journey.

Being positive is hard but another important aspect of recovery. sh** is hard now but got to take it day by day, and even when there is a bad day you can always find positives, as little as they may be, there are still positives to be found.

Thanks man I appreciate that! I too will continue following your journal and like you will be here if you need to talk.

Take care
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#10

Postby Dandysam123 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:59 pm

Day ten.... Getting there

So from eight when I was fuming over my roommate and the cleanliness of the house. I spoke with a friend about it prior to coming home and wrote on this forum, both of which really calmed me down and my anger/stress had really dropped. I get home and everyone takes part in cleaning. The house has never been this clean! it has really helped me with everything that's going on and it was nice everyone worked together and cleaned. The person I was arguing with took what I said really hard and wouldn't speak to him, even after I tried to apologize and thank him. I'm not going to overthink it though, him doing the cleaning means he's acknowledge what I said and hopefully he will get over our argument. One of my friends reminded me that he is rather immature for his age and there is no point being angry over him, the fact he is ignoring me is another example of how immature he is. It is a shame he hasn't been home much since the argument, obviously avoiding me, but like I said I'm sure this will blow over, fingers crossed.

Since the house has been cleaned I've been more positive and happy to be honest. Yesterday I even managed to write a couple of hundred of words for my essay, considering I have been in the library for 6 hours and that's all I've done isn't the greatest achievement but it certainly is better than the past few days where I written nothing! So keeping positive.

I had my first drug counselling session today, it was just an introduction but it is great to see what support I can get. I've been offered the potential of having CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and the counselor seemed very positive and helpful. I'm looking forward to support I will get from them for sure!

Tonight I'm going to a drum and bass event (town). This will be an interesting test, last time I was at a pub around f***ed people it annoyed me. Fingers crossed as I'm less aggy I'l enjoy it more and not be tempted to take anything. It will be just interesting to see if I even enjoy the event, my usual routine for this specific event is get black out drunk, so its going to be a huge contrast. On the other hand though, now I'm not using and have spare money I want to do more stuff. Not massively on town and events like that but certainly more interested in just going out in the day and seeing more 'beneficial' things, like art etc. I also want to go to more gigs although this will likely be another test as I can't remember ever going to a gig sober apart from once when I was coming down HARD. I am almost certain that I'll enjoy a gig far more than town while sober though. STAYING POSITIVE.

In Conclusion I still have been sleeping and eating okay. Although the past few days I have struggled to get out of bed which kinda sucks and I'm wasting time and aware of it. Feel kind of sluggish. But overall I'm working on my sh** and slowly I'll start to see more positive aspects of what I'm doing.
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#11

Postby Dandysam123 » Thu Jan 18, 2018 1:33 pm

Typos my bad....

So from day eight*

Took what I said really hard and wouldn't speak to me*
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#12

Postby Dandysam123 » Sun Jan 21, 2018 5:56 pm

Day 12....

It has been an interesting few days. Friday I had a coursework deadline and Thursday afternoon is when I finally snapped out of this head space and cracked on. So from 5 pm to 6.30 am I grinded! with the help of 8 coffees and some modafinil I smashed it and feel it was a good piece of work. Get home and sleep three hours. Feel awful for the rest of the day but not really depressed just tired, but can't sleep! Then I've got that event tonight, time to hit town!

I was not feeling the event that night, mainly because I was tired and I wasn't up for being around loads of f***ed people. At first it was kinda sh** but the f***ed people around me kinda gave me this placebo high where I had this energy and happiness. It was nice and the night was fun, I probably stayed later that night than I usually do at those events! Then came the 'after-sesh'. Everyone is on md, K, Coke and 2cb. They were f***ed and the conversation was dead as they were brain dead. It was interesting to see this from a different perspective, it made me reflect, I was just thinking 'am i like this?!'. It was so bizarre to see their confused faces, people freaking out and the general confusion. It wasn't awful to chill with them as a lot of them appreciated my sobriety in order to keep their mental stability together. It was nice to help people that night and i felt good I didn't partake. It also put me off a tad considering how f***ed up these people were. I ended up staying up late again, probably 7am. Then was up at 11 -.-.

I do not do well with little sleep and two days of little sleep is even worse. But as I promised to go back to my home town and see his band play I had to get out and about. Despite being tired as **** I met up with friends, went to the gig (which was nice) and stayed up with everyone who was drinking. This sobriety while everyone is getting f***ed up is becoming easier and more enjoyable. I got home with a friend who highlighted how weird and obvious it was I wasn't drinking. That kinda annoyed me but I'm sure it wasn't meant in an offensive manor, so I didn't take it personally.

Overall life is becoming clearer and I've overcome many hurdles in the past few days, I can go out and have fun at events i thought I needed to be 'pissed' for, and I can do work if I put my mind to it. I'm even currently working on my CV and looking at jobs! The future is less blurred. Obviously there are still issues with my mental health but I can't fixate on that, it is an unhealthy thought loop. Must focus on positivity and the future.
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#13

Postby jayc93 » Sun Jan 21, 2018 7:44 pm

Keep it up pal your doing amazingly well and it’s good you can see the other side of being so out of it . It’s hard admitting problems but that’s always the first step and your beyond that in many ways keep it up. I’ll keep checking in from time to time as I know exactly what your going through stay strong
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#14

Postby Dandysam123 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 1:26 pm

16 days sober....

Wow wee! Getting to this stage is such an achievement, definite pat on the back! Like all other days there have been ups and downs. Following from the gig I woke up and finally had a good sleep. Although I didn't have the most productive day, but i'm not gunna kick myself for that, it was a Sunday and I'd been out a lot, I deserved a rest. Although I still get restless. Just struggling to occupy the brain. It was especially harder as I was at my hometown , in my parents house.

I've come to realise being at home is when I'm most tempted to use, seeing my parents drone to TV, having nothing to do and this is where my addiction all started. So yeah the temptation was real home, it doesn't help with my parents not understanding how I feel at the moment (in terms of depression). I've told them how I am but they just don't understand it and I'm down, unchatty and sh**. This frustrates my mum which is just her not understanding but it annoys me and makes me feel worse as I've highlighted what's going on! So the temptation to use even more is there. Its late though so I think to myself, use or sleep? I opt for sleep. An easy option when I think about it rationally the next day, but that night it was a difficult decision. It was good to realise how much I can't handle home though because all I have to do is avoid it, easy. While I'm at University anyway, the future daunts me in the fact I may have to move back for a bit. Although this does inspire me to look for more jobs and to sort my life so I don't have to be there.

Monday was another unproductive day, after handing in that large piece of Coursework I can't be arsed, mixed with my mental health I just don't care about university. It's funny how I can see jobs a bit more clearly now but I find Uni a load of bs so this is harder to do. I did speak with my lecturer and explained my issues, not recovering addiction as unfortunately that does look bad. Going to extenuate some of my Coursework while I get over this 'hump'. As the days go by I really am improving, I'm just trying my best to better myself in all aspects (well maybe not uni too much haha). So I really feel by the end of Feb I'll be a 'new man', fingers crossed.

I have to admit though, I have no improved memory or cognitive ability at the moment, it honestly feels worse. I also haven't experienced any trippy/vivid dreams, although saying that I have started to dream again, just basic unimaginative sh** really. My motivation is poor because of depression but I do get restless and this makes me actually do sh**! My sex drive is increasing as well as my social skills which is a huge plus. Not getting ladies or anything but speaking more confidently which is nice.

Overall I'm feeling more positive and just good about myself. I aimed on not doing all drugs (bare tobacco) for this month which has a daunting effect because it is like what do I do after this month? and it is something a lot of friends ask me. I need to have some kind of plan because I want to take drugs again, just not in the state I was taking them before, escaping and abusing. I want to take them in a recreational and intermittent way! So this has been on my mind a lot. I just feel I should drink once a week and maybe take drugs twice a month, it's not like I have to stick to it, as in if I haven't drunk that week I have to and same goes for drugs, but I think it'll be healthy to limit and control myself in order to not allow myself slip. I do not think it would be a good idea to smoke weed again though, but who knows! If I have control maybe I could once a month or something, but no weed for a long time at least! Who knows though after this month my opinion may change and I might not want to do anything, like I've said being sober out and about is not a bad thing and I can have equal/more fun, that is something I need to remember, oh yeah and I save a sh** load of money haha!

Best advice I've stuck to though, take it day by day. It is all we can all do :)
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