Chalk's Weed Struggle-fest Journal

Postby InkChalk » Fri Jan 19, 2018 7:51 am

So i've been on the forum for a while, mostly reading the threads and journals people post. And they've been really really helpful.

I'm about 56 Days in (Closing in on 60 days!) I have felt some big changes in the last few days.

I have been wanting to start my own thread, but I haven't been able to submit posts i've written... I seem to back out.
However, I believe i need a thread for myself to be able to post things that are going on with me. And this will help me stay honest with myself. And a place to place ideas. Writing helps.
Lately i've been coming to the forum a lot more to because, i feel i've been hitting a rut. I know it's my responsibility, and I haven't been treating my life, and being as active as i should be. So I feel i'm mostly aware why i'm at an unbalance and experiencing situational depression. Tomorrow i will drive south a few hours to visit friends, this i hope will bring some much needed positivity.

Background longtime toker.

Feb 2017 - I quit, with the presence of a new roommate, i decided i would use it as a test to myself to be honest to myself and stop smoking. It worked... it was a real struggle with big withdrawals, energy crashes, etc etc...

July 2017 - I relapsed, relationship got rocky, and i hitting the green again... hard

Nov 22, 2017 - I Managed to build up the courage and quit again, with the help of my bro.
This quit was a lot easier, due to my 6 month break earlier this year, The encouraging words from users on this forum said me that i shouldn't give up, and it's better to quit again. A relapse doesn't mean it's over.

Jan 2, 2017- Decided to stop drinking beer; i've noticed it makes me feel depressed for the following days

Today - Lately It's been real tough, i just want to go back and smoke up a bit... but i know it'll turn to an all day thing.

Positives: I've started reading a lot more, and i LOVE it. I've been reading book on philosophy, and it has been absolutely encouraging and eye-opening.
Fitness has bene so so, my name is 'Ink Chalk' cause i draw and i rock climb lots.
I've been taking Vitamin D, and Magnesium, and it seem to be really helping. I've stopped drinking beer, and it's made a huge difference to my health.
I have been productive compared to my stoner times, and sent resumes. Also my mental clarity has given me ability to see further into the future, and set goals and a path for myself in the long run.
Constant dehydration has stopped, and my sleep pattern has improved (6 weeks clean)
Also a new thing... is that i've had a stash available this whole time. This has stopped the need for a hunt when i'm feeling down (this i think is something i do when i hit a hard point, and i'm desperate for an activity... which leads to me smoking again. contemplating to toss the stash soon, the availability is not helping me much lately.

Recent Weaknesses:
The things that make me depressed and relapse more i think is Youtube, and internet, and watching movies. Lately i've been spending hours, wasting my time on the computer... it's been pushing me back into wanting to go back to my old habits. - I think i'm going to change my desk setup to discourage this habit. I would rather read on the couch... but i haven't been able to shake the computer habit.
Lately i've been going to bed later, i think i've been cooped up inside the same place for too long.
Not having a consistent diet, (I have not gotten around to making a meal plan/grocery list... i think this may help)


I hope to update this thread in the future, to help myself keep track of my progress and realizations i come across.
Sorry if this post seems rushed, but I need to post something now.

Thank you to all people on this forum (all types of addiction fighter out there) I've found a lot of support in your words, and you will continue to do so.

Cheers.
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#1

Postby InkChalk » Tue Jan 23, 2018 5:40 pm

Day 62
Last few days since I went down south to visit friends has been great.
It added a much needed boost.

Last while I've been refocusing/observing lifestyle changes, and how they affect me.

Diet/Nutrition
I've started taking Omega 3's and I have noticed an improvement in my concentration, and emotional control. I also take Vitamin D's w/ Magnesium, It feels like taking a bit of summer-time.
Diet has been improved too, eating more veggies, and 3 meals a day.
My thoughts have been more present, and i've been able to prioritized what needs to get done.

Reading
I finished the book 'Meditations' by Marcus Aurelius
"When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love."
"Nothing has such power to broaden the mind as the ability to investigate systematically and truly all that comes under thy observation in life."
I read for an hour before bed for the last few weeks, I seem to sleep better, and my dreams and thoughts have felt... just better. I feel the mental stimulation different vs watching tv before bed.

BlueLight Effect: Screens emit blue wavelengths which affects your Melatonin. I read some articles and they suggest 2 hours before bed no screen. Your sleep becomes less effective (losing equivalent of 2-3 ours of sleep time)

ShoutOuts
SoulFull's thread he mentioned an technique he learned on the anger management forum from another use. When experiencing stress clench jaw, opening your mouth wide for 30 secs or so. I've been trying it out, and it really works! Thanks for the good tips dude.

Anyways, thats the update for now.
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#2

Postby SoulFull » Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:33 pm

Hey InkChalk,
It's good to hear from you. So happy that you're still fighting the good fight being weed free. I'm here fighting the same fight. Although I'm glad to say that I think I'm starting to win now. I gets easier every single day. Loved the quotes from Marcus Aurelius. Showing gratitude for the life itself is something that I often forget. It raises the question, if I'm not living my life and life ceases for me, where would I be?

No matter how much II think of it, I will never get the answer, so as long as I'm here, alive, I want to be alive. Clear headed. Full of vitality. And I wish I remember to show gratitude everyday, for this one life that was given to me. That way, I would think twice, maybe hundreds of times, before ever attempting to waste the days away by smoking again, ever.

On another note, the anger management technique does work. Relaxing the jaw and all. It is also important to be mindful of what you're thinking when you feel any emotion that will cause the anger response. Being alert/aware of whatever stimulus causing the emotion, will help the mind to think differently thus changing the emotion and stopping the anger response. Hope this helps. Credit to Leo Volont, I find his writings awesome and filled with humor. Another way to counter angry outburst that might surface during this quit weed process; looking at things at a comical sort of way. Not taking things too seriously =)

All the best InkChalk. Good job on staying clean =)
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#3

Postby InkChalk » Sun Jan 28, 2018 3:56 am

Thanks for the kind words Soulfull

Day 66

Today's been really difficult. I've been on the forum a lot today reading (for two reasons)
The Good reason: as we all do, is for support and wisdom that the users of this forum hold.
The Bad reason: Looking for an excuse to smoke 'weekly', or in a regimented way (i searched the forum... and luckily from unanimous peoples experience, the habit will just pick up again)
And i really don't want to go through any of the paws again (The longterm night-time dehydration is my last favourite)

Clenched jaw all day, a friend offered me weed; I rejected; but it wasn't easy.

It snowed today, so i wasn't very productive, and stayed cooped up inside which didn't help.
I've been reading lots of posts on the forum today.. maybe overly much.
I know i'm responsible for how i feel today, and it's all on me (not the lack of weed).
Weekends are tough, I give myself a break from work; when really i think i'd be happier doing projects.

IrishStonerGirl really said something in another thread (link below) that really touched on how perspective can change everything.
"sometimes when I'm reading these forums and what everyone else is going through I'm wondering if I really had a problem - I mean although I'd love a joint, I made a decision not to smoke anymore and I feel if I keep saying how depressed I am without it it will make me depressed if you know what I mean!!! "
-IrishStonerGirl
http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=106404

That's it for today
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#4

Postby imondayXX » Thu Feb 08, 2018 2:55 am

how are you doing brother?
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#5

Postby InkChalk » Wed Feb 14, 2018 1:27 am

Hey, Kinda been out of the internet realm.

The last weeks have been very stressful. And i ended up having a few bowls.
I didn't really know how else to deal with it, during a bought of anxiety during a night.
Everything went out of wack because of family, and tremendous amount of work.

It didn't feel like it was worth it though, i woke up feeling like sh**, but i don't feel powerless. Tiny bit of PAWS, but nothing like last year.
I've decided to take a vacation (blaze free) to reset myself.
Lately i've been feeling like i've forgotten all the cool paces i can go see, makes me bit depressed of my lifestyle, and how much more i want to do.

Thanks for the checkin imonday.
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#6

Postby SoulFull » Wed Feb 14, 2018 4:02 pm

Hey InkChalk,
Don't give up dude. I read that it gets easier the next quit. Record and remember what happened before you lapsed so that next time, you'd be more ready to handle it. And keep on taking those supplements. I find that I get anxious too if I skip taking them.

Hope things get better on your side bro.

Good luck.
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#7

Postby imondayXX » Fri Feb 16, 2018 12:01 am

The important thing is to not be hard on yourself.. Every day we get a little better. I had one toke after 116 days and totally regretted it. It's amazing how powerful that drug is and how it effects me. My withdrawal type symptoms came back with vengeance.. Did you notice the same thing? After that I'm even more convinced that I never want to smoke again.
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